Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

That is messed up thinking.

Basically you want to destroy dd's relationship with gf. But you're being nasty and destructive.

The problem is the bad relationship you have with dd.

So what are you going to do to fix it?

What do you, or might you, enjoy doing with dd?
How does other daughter fit into your dynamic?
You need to work out how to create meaningful 1:1 time with your daughters.
Maybe pay lots of money to go join a conservation project for a few weeks each year? Or a holiday based around a sport of activity you can all participate in.

Once you devise a plan to rebuild your relationship with dd - get ex on board and gf - to help support and encourage dd.

But removing your dd from all the friends, her dad, the gf and putting her in a new strange environment - she'll just hate you even more.

I like to think X and I have been on the same page the vast majority of the time but if anything, X is far more black and white about rules and disciplined as a person whereas I’m more easy going albeit highly strung so overall I’d say X is probably the ‘stricter’ but we’ve never clashed as parents.

I have regrets about how I handled things during the worst of our divorce as I discussed earlier and d and I have gone to therapy and I’ve apologized to her. I can handle d being angry at me because I feel it’s possible in time to resolve that but it’s her growing antipathy that frightens me

I think you need one on one time with her and to do something with her that you're both going to really enjoy. It will be much easier to build a bond if there are just the two of you. I'm not sure why you're resistant to doing it, the other girls will be fine for one day without her, this is much more important IMO.

If the one day is a success then it could turn into one day a month.....and then slowly you build it up. At the moment your relationship is going nowhere and if she ends up in a different country to you then there is no way that is going to help things.

Im not resistant to it at all but spending one on one time with me doing anything is the last thing she wants and she’s told me so

Don’t assume she doesn’t need you or love you just because she treats you badly , children act out where they feel safe. Your ex’s partner is her friend, you are her mother. Teenagers treat their friends much better than their parents. You need to grind on - be available, give her lifts , put yourself out, fill in doing the jobs no one else wants , just be there no matter what. Take the contempt, take the anger, give her love. It is early days, there is no substitute for a mother, she will come round.
I was in a similar position, my children moved countries twice while my marriage fell apart, I cannot tell you how angry my children were with me, I was their punch bag for years. My daughter is now 18 and we have come good. Hang in there.

@Buffs Thanks

OP, how old is your daughter? there’s a huge difference between ability to guide or force a 12 year old, to a 15 year old. you could benefit from discussing some of the changes and best ways to provide stability with a specialist.

You mentioned wanting pov from people with divorce / teenage experience. Bit of a different one but I am a child of divorce. somewhat similar to your daughter, i also ‘picked a parent’ and pushed away the other (the one i saw as responsible for the divorce). it took a long time to repair the relationship and to be honest, it came down to reaching a point of maturity to understand humans are flawed, and parents are living for the first time too. it’s just impossible for a child in the throes of adolescent idealism to see that.

separately, as an expat, we don’t get to choose what nationality we identify as. sending her to boarding school and family ties in England will not necessarily make her identify as anything. her identity will form based on where she felt home, even if she’s only spent couple years in Spain. while you’re right that a boarding school could give her constancy, the stability she needs likely revolves around feeling like she belongs, is wanted, by both parents. with no stability in your own lives and not knowing when you may return to the UK, it’s very risky to force her to move, and hard for her not to see this as unfair. based on the info you shared it doesn’t sound like it would help her.

@peacockshrimp thanks for that perspective. She’s 11 and at times seems like a very immature 11 year old but other times seems like she’s leaped straight to being a teenager

I think you are misguided.
Let the child be, for now.
I think she will just hate you if she finds you are behind the move to a school where she knows nobody and separates her from her dad and girlfriend.
There are other ways you can try to reconnect
with your girl meanwhile.
Your ex and even perhaps his gf might be able to help. Talk to them.

Different situation: we moved abroad when dd was 12. She never forgave us. Horrid time for her- puberty, friend group, etc., and the school abroad was very harsh; UK school had been supportive and lovely.

It sounds so painful what you are going through. Have you thought about allowing her to bring a friend to your house for a sleepover night/weekend? It could diffuse the tension. Also: given that she's been brought up at least partially abroad, PLEASE consider a boarding school that offers IB!! It is much more suitable to international experiences and outlooks, and much more compatible to raising an independent, critical thinking person. Some schools begin at (Britsh) Year 8, more at year 10, and MANY at year 12, instead of A-Levels. The education is infinitely superior, lots of options for language--so well suited to your dd. And will give her many more options in the future

My husband same and he really doesn't have anything like the close relationship with his parents that I have with mine. His parents have been trying to play catch up ever since......

Im not perfect by any means and I take my share of responsibility for the break up and how things were handled but I’m not such a terrible mother either- my youngest daughter is my shadow
So what happened exactly that led to you thinking you both needed therapy and ultimately led her to want to move with her dad?

It sounds like this is the stem of the issue.

@vivainsomnia there wasn’t one dramatic incident. We both coped in different ways post divorce- she acted out while I tried to control things more and that was a toxic combo and cycle. I just wasn’t patient or understanding enough with her.

Because not all phone apps let you do otherwise. Like I can't see all ops posts either....yes I know some have the button....I'm guessing iPhone.

You sound like you're doing a lot of self reflection, so well done you ❤️ it's a tough situation.

I honestly think the most important thing to rebuild your relationship with her is just to be there.

Be there to ferry her around to her friends/drop her off at dads after. With a smile. Go and get a mcondalds after as a treat, or go to the beach in the dark to paddle or grab an icecream when its normally home time.

Be there to take her to activities.

Be there to suprise her with her favourite snack, just because. Would you're ex mind you joining for dinner once a week?

Be there, constantly. Send her funny tiktoks you see, funny memes. Watch shows she likes to watch, read books she likes to read. Talk to her.

Tell her you love her ar least three times a day. Call her before bed to say goodnight wvery night. Leave her voice notes in the middle of the night to say you love her.

Acknowledge what you've done and explain how you're going to fix it. And do it.

You say she's stubborn- be stubborn too. Be there.

Are you insane?! This would be an utterly outrageous selfish thing to do

@Kira4

I would second the suggestion to let her be. You are her mum and that will never change. She might be besties with the gf but that is no prediction of tomorrow. You are the constant , if you want to be , everyone else comes and goes. Give her support when she needs it.... rein in your jealousy- bite your tongue if you have to. It will pass. Remember she is a child. If she is happy in Spain, and you are happy to stay, stay.

See a therapist so you can have an adult conversation about it. Mumsnetters are not experts or therapists - cue some responses here...

Always play the long game... and keep the big picture.. You are her mum. Hope it gets manageable for you.

I wonder why your relationship has deteriorated…

I am definitely not against boarding schools, but sending her to one now would be disastrous for your relationship. Allow her some stability where she is. Then when the time comes in a couple of years it will be a joint decision and she will be more stable. Read back your posts and you will see it’s all about what you want ‘I want her with her family’ (she is, she’s with her dad!) ‘I want her to associate as English’ (she’s growing up in Spain, what does she want?)
Honestly, send her as planned in a couple of years and use the time to work on yourself. I really hope it all works out for you all.

That would be the final nail in the coffin.

You sound like the wicked step-mum.

Don't do it. Your daughter is already happy - Why would you want to change that? If it's not broken, don't fix it. You appear to be the problem here.

Deep down I think you know why you want to send her away and that's using your child as a weapon to suit your own jealousy. Sometimes if you really love someone - You have to let them go.

Exactly this

Is it possible for you to collect her from school on the Friday of EOW and drive straight to your house for the weekend? So she doesn’t have the chance to refuse to leave your ex’s apartment? She surely won’t refuse to leave school to go with you?

My daughter is a day student at a boarding school and my close friend who lives overseas her daughter boards… she js totally miserable to the extent I’ve really been considering having her come to stay with us, the boarders are in the main unhappy, she has friends who are boarders and they miss home terribly I would look at her going to a uk school when you live in the uk if she wants to I think you could irreparably damage your relationship doing this

I think it’s a dreadful idea. She has already been through the trauma of the separation and now she is finding a degree of stability with her dad and the new GF, you want to destabilize that? My DH went to boarding school and the emotional damage it has caused is awful. Leave your DD where she is and make efforts to rebuild your relationship with her before it is too late. She obviously gets something from the GF she doesn’t get from you.

It seems like DD1 really wants to be like your ex's gf. You say she is a lot like your ex and that they're close. I can imagine it must have been hard on some level to see her dad move on and have another important woman in his life. It could be the reason why she is trying to be like the gf.

Do you think there is a chance that your DD is worried about missing out? It seems like DD might want to stick around on the weekends that she is meant to be with you to ensure her place in her dad's life and this new hierarchy isn't lost as that is when the gf visits. Perhaps she thinks about the fun times she might be missing out on with her dad and his gf while being with you. Have you tried inviting her over on a weekend the gf isn't visiting your ex?