Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

I agree you are being far too passive. You are just expecting things to get better but they won't without a lot of hard work and change.

Can you not pick DD1 up from school on a Friday and take her back to your house? Do it on the weekend gf is not there and her sisters are with their dad, then she won't have fomo with gf and you can focus on her. It doesn't have to work like that in the long run, but you need to do this in the short term to get your relationship back on track. At the end of the day you are saying you can't do this because you want her to have time with just dad all the while her not having time with you! It is more important she sees you sometimes than see dad alone all the time.

@Kira4

What kind of school does she attend at the moment, OP?

Thanks. That was astute of you. This age is new to me as she’s my eldest and I wish now I’d prepared better for it because I feel I’ve probably misunderstood her and miscommunicated with her but very hard to gauge as she’s bright and like I said like a teenager in attitude at time but also babyish at the same time. It’s quite a combination!

Until she’s back with us during the week I’d really like the girls to spend time together at the weekend whether they’re with me or x. Gf had always largely stayed away on the weekends girls were with x, possibly because she just doesn’t relish the idea of spending her free time with kids I don’t know. Doing what you propose would mean splitting the girls at weekends and neither x or I ever having a child free weekend but its worth considering.

Shes in a British curriculum international school. She’s done British curriculum everywhere we’ve lived.

Hi OP. I appreciate it’s hard to navigate a new normal after divorce, especially when new partners are in the picture and you’re trying to meet everyone’s needs and preferences. You and your ex need to take a step back and reevaluate what’s in the best interest of both your daughters, not only your eldest and most vocal one. Both your daughters deserve to have a strong relationship with both their parents and with each other. The current arrangements don’t allow for that. The gf is completely irrelevant here. Speak with your ex, insist that your eldest gets time at home with you and her sister (sisters?), and insist he backs you up. It doesn’t need to be abrupt, can be gradual, but really needs to be done for the sake of both your daughters.

Why are people quoting a whole post to reply!!

Because the quote function is shit on MN.

@HelloIAmNew i don’t disagree but practically what should we do when she refuses? Encouragement/incentives haven’t worked. I don’t want to make things worse by having her see it as a punishment

@Kira4 you keep on saying what if she refuses but it doesn’t look like you’re trying to do very much outside of the ‘assigned’ weekend. And when people suggest trying to have one on one time with her you’re more concerned about not getting a child free weekend…

None of this is accurate. Until recently she was living with me full-time and I still see her during the week but she doesn’t want to spend one on one time with me.

I’d happily have my children 365 days a year as I did before my separation. When I referred to child free weekends I was talking about the arrangement whereby x’s gf stayed away on the weekends girls are with x knowing that they’d have the following weekend free, an arrangement that was working until d decided it wasn’t for her.

I disagree with some PPs about forcing contact on the weekends. She isn't a toddler you can tuck under your arm, and dragging her kicking and screaming will do nothing to improve your relationship. Since you do see her frequently throughout the week, I would just keep the lines of communication open, continue to invite her to spend weekends with you but I wouldn't insist. It's a difficult situation for all of you, but I would focus on rebuilding your relationship with your DD but on terms she is comfortable with. Call her, text her, send her funny videos, make the most of the time you are together. And always let her know that you are there for her. It sounds as though this child is craving stability and also figuring out her identity. Give her the time and space to do that.

Boarding school should be off the table at this point IMO. Sending her away could irreparably damage your relationship. In general, I'm not in favour of boarding school for children under 14 or so, and then only when they themselves are the driving force.

@Kira4

Could she continue attending that school until she has completed her A Levels, if she wished to and liked it there?

Sorry I wasn't trying to be glib on the dentist point. I do understand it's more emotionally charged than that.
I'm not suggesting she's a toddler either but the point is simply that Ex is offering an alternative ie stay with him and that alternative needs to be off the table.
For example he says no I'm going to stay with my gf tonight you have to go to mum.
She is still young and she is testing boundaries as all kids do, at all ages. You need to decide if this is an acceptable boundary for you. But ultimately you would step in an intervene and insist if she was doing something unacceptable or going somewhere unacceptable so you need to decide if this is worth a fight. IMHO it is, she may be grumpy or disagree but ultimately in the long term it's good for her to have the relationship with you

@TheSquareMile its always been unlikely we’d be living in the same place all the way through dds education and the reason we always had school in England under consideration eventually is so that dd could have stability and not have to potentially move during any crucial years etc. We don’t have family in Spain so I personally wouldn’t consider leaving her here to board if/when x and I have to move.

The child is 11, and does not know what is best for herself, she is too young to understand that years of not having her mother’s presence will be detrimental to her well being. It sounds like she is blaming op on some level for the family unit breaking down - which seems unfair.

As the parent the onus is on us to take responsibility for our children, to continue the relationship, support and care. Soon she will be entering her teen years and will need her mother more than ever.

So I wholeheartedly agree with the advice that that the arrangements stay in place and op changes her approach. Arrange weekends you know she will enjoy, sleepovers with her friends, shared sport and adventures. Make it special and lovely for her. Keep trying. It will be worth it in the end. Your dd needs you much more than she realises.

Give her stability by STOPPING MOVING.

So my hat off to her for having learnt Catalan. Not easy when you attend British school.

You didn't reply to my earlier question. Why have you not learnt Catalan yourself (as it seems you have been there for some time).

I've lived among expats on and off all my life, and one son lives in French speaking Switzerland. Expats who bother to learn the local language have a totally different experience, and make local friends. Others live in expat ghettos.

@Kira4

Do have a rough idea as to how long you need to remain in Spain yourself?

Is it the case that you will be back in the UK yourself by the time she begins her GCSEs and is that why you are thinking of transferring her now?

Do you have the option of moving with your children to the UK sooner rather later, so that she can attend a nice day school and come home to you in the evening?

I can see that it's something of a quandary for you.

I chose to live with my gran for a few months when I was 11. Not because I didn't love my mum but because we were between houses and had to rent miles away from home. My focus right at that moment was my social life and not missing out.

However - I'll tell you this. Girls at that age find ANY hint of their mums being in a sexual relationship with someone else impossible to deal with. It's a key point for that 'split' between mums and daughters. Prioritise her.

@fungipie Dd has learned Catalan easily because she’s a natural sponge for languages but also because socially it’s the language she uses a lot with her pals. I speak Spanish and have pigeon Catalan, enough to understand the essentials but not enough to have a natural easy conversation with a native speaker, as I just don’t use it for work or socially as much we probably should.

Soonest I can move back is realistically two years but I’m now actively working towards ensuring that if I can move back then I will be able to stay there permanently. Before our divorce I/we didn’t envision returning full time that soon.

Thanks for reply.

As said, good on her. Many expat children who go to British schools barely speak the local language and have little contact with the local population, which I find very sad. And if the stay turns out to be longer than expected, causes real issues with further education.

How about not moving instead...

Why on earth would your choose to live in a different country from your daughter? Because if you move, she's unlikely to be coming with you (and shouldn't frankly!).

Leave her where she's happy and settled rather than destroying the stability she now has.

Dd has loads of local friends both from school and from all her sports and activities. We don’t live in a British expat bubble either and have lots of Spanish and international friends but everyone speaks Spanish whereas only the locals speak Catalan so it’s Spanish that’s used.

@Kira4

As she is 11 now, does that mean that admission to a suitable school in the UK would only be possible this coming autumn, or would entry in the autumn of 2025 or even 2026 be feasible?

If it were possible, that would mean that she could be near you and able to stay when she wanted to for the time being, which might make all the difference.

She could then transfer to the UK when you do.