Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

Well done OP, for getting it all out on the table - and I have to say, that although you felt unprepared, well done to your ex for bringing your dd into the conversation too. She will feel that she’s being properly considered in a loving way by you both as before, and that she has a say in what happens to her in the future. I hope there are more times like that when she can be with you together for family discussions and chats; it’s much needed reassurance for her. Maybe try and make that happen if you possibly can, for the sake of all the children.

It’s easy to lose your way as a child involved in a sudden divorce or any major change of circumstance. Easy for the parents to lose their way a little bit too, even though they instigated it all. I think the shock of your DD’s reaction to you has been an unexpected and a difficult feeling for you to cope with and you panicked a bit and sought solutions elsewhere, rather than looking to yourself and your ex.
But for your dd, the massive change was inflicted on her unawares, and she probably had all sorts of hurtful feelings and worries swirling round her head.

Continue to be patient with her, continue to love her in every way you can, and I very much hope the family isn’t separated any more by sending her away to boarding school. Keep the family together as much as you can, while you can. And by the way, your husband is right that it’s a good thing for DD to have formed a good relationship with his gf. Try to normalise that in your thinking, hard as it is.
Have faith that your sweet little girl will recover and feel happy again in your company. She still needs you very much indeed.
Good luck OP.

That sounds really productive @Kira4 . Great that you involved your DD in the conversation too.

Is your DH foreign service? There is an expectation of boarding in secondary among foreign service families for obvious reasons. It is a bit of a gilded cage lifestyle for family though.

Her vulnerability may be hidden by pre teen behaviour but she still really needs her Mum, even if she can’t share that with you. Don’t give up or become disheartened. Stand quietly by her, love and look after her and it will get better. I have teen girls and it can be bumpy but unconditional love goes a very long way on the inside

Sounds like a positive conversation.

Did you go to boarding school @Kira4 ?

It sounds like you’re panicking, parenting is sometimes a slog. It must be very hard and hurtful that your daughter has chosen to live with her dad over you, but try not to take it personally, she is exploring taking some control over her life.
You knew your marriage was coming unstuck possibly for years before you finally split, but your children didn’t know until you told them. This is your daughter trying to make sense of her life. She’s angry with you right now, but that is unlikely to last forever, she’s very young.
Carry on doing what you’re doing, ferry her around, invite her out to things she’ll enjoy, don’t engage when she refuses, don’t make a big deal if she accepts. What she craves is everything to return to normal, which it can’t, ever.
But you can be the face of normal mum and she will forgive you eventually. Hang in there.
Put the boarding school thing on the back burner for now, new gf shine will wear off eventually when daughter isn’t on best behaviour.

Not sure how constructive it really was but it certainly could have gone worse.

Every other weekend x takes not just d1 but her sisters too. Think for the moment it’s everyone’s preference that x gets that time and they with x without gf staying there too

It could have gone a lot worse.

I went to boarding school at 16. Have family who went younger. X didn’t but his mum taught at one.

Well done on having that conversation OP. You’ve taken a lot of stick on here but you’ve managed to take something productive from all of this. I do hope your relationship with your DD improves in time.

When you move to England is the time to consider putting your children in English schools. And when you live near enough to the school for them to be day boarders is the time to consider putting them in that school.

OK, but your preferences matter too. It is important for you to get quality time with your daughter. Don't be afraid to say this to everybody involved.

That's your perspective, mike is different. Don't come on me for having a different view.

My preference would be that d1 would be with x only every weekend too but that’s not possible at the moment

He could tell her that she spends EOW with you. He isnt because he doesnt want to lose the preferred parent status.
All he has to say, is that both her parents love & want time with her, & all siblings together.
She is 11 FGS, not 15.

Conversation may have been positive but did result in nothing, not even any plans to take baby steps to change. It sounds like your ex wants your kids to build a relationship with gf.
Saying you dint want a row. Your relationship with DD is lot more than a difficult conversation with X. Tell him it's not acceptable that DD is not spending time with you and her sister.

Why do you care that gf does not make efforts with D2. I maybe wrong but sounds like gf is straight out of Instagram - taking photos with DD them pulling faces, she travels a lot. No wonder your dd is besotted with her.
Noone is worried about relationship between two siblings. They are growing up in 2 different households.

People saying your poor dd for older one, should parents not have divorce? How can a child decides at 10, they don't want to live with mother unless there was an abuse, in that case authorities would have been involved.

It is possible for her to be with you EOW. You tell her that’s what’s happening. She is only 11, and a young 11 by your reckoning. You are giving her far too much responsibility which over and above the issue itself you s not fair or good on/for her. You clearly want to avoid conflict with her/X but you are postponing it not avoiding it.

Park the longer term issues re school and deal with improving the situation with you and your DD now. You need to be spending weekends with her atm. You also need to stop any preference shown to her by the girlfriend. It’s bad for her and your other DD. Both now and going forward.

You seem to be very passive in the situation, is this what you were like in the marriage? It’s common for the dynamic to stay the same even after the relationship ends. I understand you enjoy and prefer an amicable approach but, and it’s a big one, not the expense of your DC’s best interests.

I think you need to think it all through yourself ( or talking to someone neutral/objective and work out what you want/think is best. Then act upon that now not simply drift hoping things will change. Take control, you are the parent. It’s not the easiest solution but it’s probably the correct one.

Save physically dragging her by her arms and legs I can’t make her come to me at the weekend. We’ve tried encouraging etc and making it a row or making it feel like some kind of punishment feels like it’ll backfire because ultimately I want her to want to come

Sorry @Kira4 you want to take your DD from a loving environment and put her in boarding school? Honestly? You are so very jealous but don't want to put time into your relationship with DD, you want to put her in boarding school to remove her from your Xs house???? WTF.

By all means find a private school where she is a day student or a boarding school where she is a day boarder, but don't make her stay overnight. She might never talk to you again.

This !

She has shown you she's still just a kid. 11 year olds don't get to decide what they do all the time. She needs to spend time with both parents and that's that. Your ex needs to just put his foot down and say you are going to mums today and that's that

Of course you can. If she didn't want to go to the dentist what would you do or say? If she didn't want to go to school what would you do or say?
She gets into the car and that's that. She is not the adult and she has to do just obey her parents. Right now she's been given a choice, would you like to go to mums? No, ok no problem.
Your Ex needs to be the one who says, no you are going to mums this weekend and that's important and you cannot stay here

She can be made. You and her Dad need to explain( in advance) this will be happening on ( date). Pick her up from school if it’s easier ( let them know too). He can go away/ let her know he is unavailable if it helps. She simply needs to know there is no choice. How will she ever get to enjoy spending time with you and her sister if she doesn’t ever do it?

Look at strategies in books/online. Ask for advice from her school or whatever. Otherwise you are storing up a whole lot of trouble for her, and your other DD . She cannot always get things her own way. That’s life, but as I said you need to take control. It’s scary and not easy , I know that but you’ll feel so much better, as will she in the longer term.

Your X has to tell her that no way she is staying the weekend at his place and get her ready.

If that does not happen, then go to the court. There are kids who did not listen to their parents at this age and at times had to do things they didn't want which were reasonable but they didn't see it that way but in the long run they have better relationships as they understand when they grow a bit mature.

Get her to spend time with you on weekend and then do things with her she likes and also include other siblings. She will eventually start enjoying your company.

Being passive is not good and it will impact your relationship with her. When at 30 she will ask you, why you gave up on her, what would you say avoided conflict with her father and his gf?

Tell father your daughter's relationship with you is far more important than with his gf. How can he not understand that? Your daughter is not settled, she is coping with lack of relationship with you or parents with all the fun things kids enjoy at that age.

What kind things gf does to her other than fun photos and outings? Does she help her with studies, pick ups and drops, in sickness. Gf may change when they all live together if relationship gets more serious with your x. This is a Disney aunt and once they all live together they may start grating each other. Noone has thought through anything.

Boarding school will never heal your relationship with her.

X is far from a soft touch but this is a lot more emotionally charged than a trip to the dentist!

Of course it's possible.

She's a child. You're her parents.

You tell her that this is what is happening. Weekend 1 she's with her dad. Weekend 2 she's with you. Rinse and repeat.

If she wants to hang out with the new girlfriend she does that during her dad's time, not yours.

To be fair I don’t they’ve ever done anything that could be considered a big treat or anything with her on the days she’s meant to be with me. It sounds like she mostly tags along on errands, walks her dog with her etc. We are all sporty so cycles and hikes but she’d do them with me too- but both gf and d1 are into football so I think they watch that on tv together. D just seems to like hanging out in the apartment with gf doing nothing much. Gf doesn’t collect d or take her to anything but when d has had competitions recently she has come.

I have been reading the thread and have to say I felt all along you were seeing your DD as much older than she is. You were seeing her as a teen. But she's not she's just a 11 yo tween. My DD has recently turned 12 and yes, while in some ways she acts a bit like a,teenager in general terms she is still very young and sweet. And from my experience with my older DC I'm not really expecting that to change til nearer 14.

Do you have any time when it is just you and DD1 without her sisters? I really think you need a really fun day just the 2 of you. Spoil her a bit. Also if she wants to see her dad's gf - can you have her on the week she is not there? Take some funny photos and do silly dances with her too! Good luck.