Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

I think you see this almost purely as a divorce problem but this is to a very very large extent (also) an TCK/expat problem.

Please consider reading up on Third Culture Kids and growing up like that if you haven't yet.

Boarding school is possibly a solution for divorced parents when both parents are warring, the atmosphere is awful and school can provide some sort of stability. But your daughter has a safe and loving place to live, with a parent. Why would you uproot her to an institution in another country? It could be the best boarding school in the world but nobody there will actually love your child! Let your DD decide. Will her father remain in Spain and be able to provide a long-term home for her? If you send her away she's going to feel rejected and not good enough to be kept by either parent.

It is difficult, the relationship issues, being hurt by your dd not wanting to come to you, all of it:
But all I can say is that we are therapists and we see SO MANY people damaged by being sent away to school: They feel regected, abandoned, have to disasociate so that they don't show fear, upset, loss etc etc: Not eveyone but truly way more pople than you think are effected negatively: Really think about your reasons for it and maybe consider talking to a therapist about how you are feeling, what you are going through and deal with that before making any decisions about your daughter?
Sorry but my full stop doesn't work on this site for come reason it always does this : !

I was just thinking it sounds like the plot of Wild Child with Emma Roberts 😂😂😂

I’m not going to go over all the different issues OP but I wonder if DD1 has found with your ex and his GF what she doesn’t get from you – undivided attention ? Not your fault but you have two other DDs so she has to share you when she’s with you.

Family relationships ebb and flow through the years so I’d try not to push and she’ll probably ease back to you.

I really dont understand this.
Your daughter has chosen to live with her father and new partner, shes happy and cared for by family.
Your solution to trying to repair YOUR relationship with her is to remove her from that to boarding school in a different country because its near your family? Not you? Where the hell will you be?

Honestly op just WTF?
hopefully I've misunderstood?

But surely you can see how illogical your plan to ‘rescue her from becoming a total stranger to you’ is to send her away to a boarding school in a different country to that of her mother and father? You want to be CLOSER, so you’re sending her AWAY???!

I know, I know you have family nearby, but do your family (I’m guessing your parents or siblings) want to have responsibility for a teenage girl? One that you said went off the rails when her family split. If there is a problem at the boarding school, her guardian will need to pick her up? Who will that be? Granny? An uncle?

Poor girl.

You've had lots of advice on the immediate steps so nothing new to add here other than I agree, it's quite young for boarding school and she's had a lot to go through recently. Even more if the new relationship between your Ex and Gf doesn't stick. It would be different if either of you were relocating but you're not? So this is an active plan for a set of possible passive activities at some point in the future? Would you realistically move away if she remained in Spain? Where would she go if your Ex relocated?

I would bide your time, your oldest will be heading for the local equivalent of GCSEs in about 2 years time. That's the time to make decisions on whether relocation / boarding school is the answer.

You don't say if they were born in Spain but that she picks up languages easily [lucky girl], and if she is fluent in Spanish and Catalan you must be there for quite some time.

If she wants to go to Uni in England, or anywhere in the EU she will need to pick a region and live there for 3 years to avoid being treated as an international student in either location. It may be useful for you and your DH to look at rules within the UK and the EU. The EU may give her cheaper and vastly bigger options for Uni and with two kids it may be in both your interests to stay EU based as a family.

For now, perhaps the answer is holidays near your family just you and the DD's. Non negotiable. Visit your old uni, see some galleries etc. Spend some time in the UK, let her start to consider her life. She's only 11, there's no mad panic.

Be thankful there is another lovely woman in her life who loves her. It could be so different.

So your reaction is to send her to boarding school in another country?
I can’t believe that you don’t realise just how awful this sounds let alone how destructive it would be to your DD’s life.
My mother regularly used boarding school as a threat to me, it successfully pushed me further and further away from her and our relationship never recovered.
This is what happens when you think you can control someone.
Very sad.

This.

It's the most illogical thread I've ever read. I hope it's not real.

OP I think your daughter is at a critical age, pushing boundaries, hormonal etc and it's natural to take all of that out on those closest to you. The new girlfriend as you have said yourself is more like an older sister so try to view their relationship that way. You are still mum, you will always be mum, your relationship may wax and wane over the years as it tends to in complicated family situations but your job is always to be there for her guiding her. Dont panic and try to fix this by creating more of a problem. Ask your daughter what would make her happy and be led by that and she'll always appreciate that. She is fast becoming a young adult, this is just another stage of life for you both. Talk to a professional to help you work through your feelings about it.

You should consider your daughter's needs and desires, but your post is mainly about you.

I will say this from the POV as a step-mum with an 11 yo DSD and also someone who had a step-mum from the age of 10.

Surely it is a good thing that she gets on so well with your ex's girlfriend and feels she can talk to and confide in her??? You read all the time (on here especially) about awful step-parents and horrible household dynamics but it seems your ex's gf actually cares about her, loves her and treats her well. That's the best outcome any exes can wish for, surely?!

She's found stability and happiness in the home with your ex and his gf - please do not uproot that purely for your own selfish reasons. Yes I understand you would rather she was happy with you and maybe in time that will come. But it certainly won't if you send her away to boarding school. Let her live and have a life where she is happy.

@Kira4 - except England is not technically her home, in her eyes. She is aged 11 and you say 'We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years'. So, almost certainly, to her, Spain, IS home

And since you and her Dad are now separated, can you be so sure that he will also move back to England as was planned when you were together? You and he will BOTH need to agree on whatever is decided for your daughter

On the "identifying as British" angle, I would suggest to the OP that she asks herself, honestly, why she doesn't currently live in the UK.

OP, if I've read the timeline correctly, you moved to Spain with your DH, then split up/got divorced, but you decided to stay in Spain anyway. What message does this send to your DD about how great the UK is, how she should identify as British, etc?

(I appreciate that this sounds a bit like pro-Brexit people who say "hur hur if the EU is so good why don't you go and live there" to Remainers, or racists who say "If you don't like our country you can fuck off home" to immigrants who point out any problem in the UK. That's not my intention. I'm not suggesting you move back. But I think you need to be honest with yourself about your own relationship with a country that you want your daughter to embrace, yet you aren't prepared to live in yourself. She will probably see handwaving claims about "moving back eventually" as a bit of a cop-out.)

OP i think you need to put the effort in getting closer to her.

If she won't come to you, go to her. take her for lunch or pick her up after school one day a week and have some quality time building your relationship back up.

Sending her abroad to board at 11 really isn't the solution especially if you think she is struggling with so many changes another one such big one, which you are the instigator might be the nail in the coffin.

I don’t understand this, why don’t you want your daughter to live with you?

As someone who went to boarding school, I'd suggest that sending her not just to boarding school but to another country is going to achieve the opposite of what you want. She will not become closer to you. She will probably be angry with you because she doesn't want to leave everything she knows, and therefore even less keen on spending time with you when she's "home". Even if she ends up liking the school (and I wouldn't be too confident that she will), when you go home from boarding school, you want to be in the place you feel most comfortable - for her that is her dad's home.

It sounds as though she's spent most of her life in Spain. What's wrong with the education system in Spain? Why can't she complete her education there?

Quite.

You are abdicating parenting. Step up rather than shipping her off somewhere.

Considering this, is giving her the message that you don't love her or the break up was her fault.

You'd be letting her down by doing this.

Lots and lots has been said here, but I would just say tht I think your daughter’s behaviour is screaming that she has been really unsettled by all the change. She has just found a friend she has clicked with in the gf and really really needs a settled period. I really think another huge change of uprooting to school here would be a mistake at present

Not a great idea OP

I cried for weeks on end at the beginning.
I have no relationship with my sibling beyond polite chat because we didn't grow up together in any meaningful way.
The reason I went, in hindsight was fine (military family) and I made close friends. But it disturbs my mum even now and she often apologizes for it (no need)

I'm over 60.

Having read all.your responses op, not once have i seen you say that your daughter should go to boarding school now because of a benefit to her. You sound like you want to spit her for having a good relationship with X's girlfriend. I would love to hear your daughter's perspective on this as I suspect she will have a lot to say. The fact that you are actively trying to push her further away / punish her is telling

Why doesn't she want to be mothered by you any more though? This is what is missing from this whole conversation so far. WHY has your daughter disconnected from you? You have to be completely honest with yourself about why this has happened in order to fix it. It goes without saying that sending her to boarding school is not the answer. In fact it's so far from being the answer that it's actually ridiculous - it sounds like you're actually sending her there to punish her for not loving you in the way that you feel like she should.

If you want to rebuild your relationship with your daughter, forget about boarding school (which by the way seems totally out of step with this century - my own kids can't quite believe they still exist) and focus on where you went wrong in the first place.

Hi @Kira4, my heart goes out to you, reading your posts. Your pain is clear for all to see.

First of all, I would echo everyone else who has said don't send your daughter to boarding school. If you send her against her will then you will be the bad guy and not only will you spend less time with her than you do now, she will most likely resent you for the decision.

Secondly, I think I would wear your heart on your sleeve a bit more with your daughter. Talk to her directly and say something like, "I know the last few years haven't been easy for any of us but I want you to know that I love you so much and I really want us to have a good relationship. It's lovely that you are getting on so well with your dad and his girlfriend at the moment, but I miss you. It's important for us to spend time together as well. Can you think of something you'd like to do, which we could do together?"

Even if it doesn't work the first time, or the second time, or the third time, just keep letting her know that you love her and miss her and want to spend time with her.

Thirdly, parenthood is a marathon, not a sprint. Although we can make some big mistakes which have a lasting impact on the relationship (and I think sending your daughter to boarding school at the present time could be one of those mistakes), usually we just keep plodding on, working on the relationship as we must work on all relationships, even when we feel we're not getting much back. Just because things are difficult with your daughter at the moment doesn't mean it will always be that way. But you must make sure she knows that you love her and want her.