Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

"I don't"
"I think"
"I want"

Says it all.

Not read thread but you are asking for trouble moving a happy child. Your daughter's happiness comes above everything. Boarding school is absolutely not the answer.

Your post is all about what you want. What about what your daughter wants? You will destroy any bond you have left if you do this.

I’d be very surprised if x was actively trying to make things worse. Life would be easier for all of us if things were smoother

Have unpicked this in therapy. X and d definitely became slightly enmeshed in an unhealthy way during the divorce, for me but I also think partly for x. I’ve worked a lot on this and also now check the constant comparisons others make between them

Thanks for this advice

You want to believe she isn’t really happy, and that her current situation is somehow harmful to her, but that doesn’t mean that she is, or it is.

You can’t force her to feel British. Her life experience isn’t yours - she’s an individual in her own right that will be formed by her own experiences. You also can’t force her to become closer to you, and taking her away from where she is currently could backfire entirely. It may cement resentments that permanently damage your relationship, or even break it.

My parents moved countries when I was a child, and as such I was exposed to different cultural experiences, and I don’t consider myself to be ‘X’ or ‘Y’ the ways they do. That doesn’t mean I was unaware of my heritage, it means I didn’t define myself as being solely of it. Thankfully they allowed me that, and didn’t try to force connections I didn’t feel. If they had done that I can well believe I would have rejected it entirely in protest, creating negative lasting negative connotations.

Your proposal reads as a panic reaction tbh. You’re looking at it as a fix, when in fact it could very easily worsen the situation significantly.

Thanks for this. Trying to be patient but it feels like it’s deteriorating.

We have a lovely dog who moves with the kids to mine/x’s now. Ofc the gf also has a very cute dog who even our dog loves

No child should be sent to boarding school. You need to work on your relationship with her, not send her to an institution.

Answer to your question is a resounding NO. How can sending her to boarding school help this situation ? You mention bonding. She won't be bonding with any of her family least of all her mum when she's at boarding school will she ?

Yes and he was just the best dog ever 😍i think it showed me, even though I didn’t realise it consciously at the time, how much my dad wanted to work things out too.

That's why I suggest incentivising her rather than forcing her - planning activities that she likes at the weekends, even if it's just something like going swimming or visiting a place or shop she likes. If you could combine that with your ex occasionally planning to be away for the weekend and telling her that she has to go to yours, you might start to pull this round.

Yes it’s definitely not easy, I hope it gets better it’s just so hard to feel rejected and not know what to do but potentially sending her away from the current situation could just cause more resentment if it’s instigated by you. I’m sure the novelty will wear off the gf eventually too. I guess patience is the key, good luck!

Spot on

No. Your daughter seems happy now.
Why destroy that?
Leave her where she is and make sure she is making the most of her current school, doing her home work etc.
She will be better off going to the boarding school at a time that she expected and when she can see her father, sibling or yourself on her weekends out.

Wow this is a very sad read. I really feel for you daughter.

You seem to be putting an awful lot of blame on her. The fault is solely yours in the relationship breakdown with your child. You need to find a way to connect with her and nurture your relationship.

I'm glad you've seen sense that sending your daughter away right now would be a terrible idea - I'm genuinely suprised you even considered it.

When my first marriage broke up my eldest child was 12, it was difficult and he gradually spent more and more time with his father. I felt a lot was to do with father letting him do what he wanted with little or no effort to make him do homework but it was also because his father lived very close to our old home so it meant he was close to his friends. Eventually he moved completely to his fathers. It hurt but I accepted he was happier and over a period of time he visited more and more but then he was an adult and there was uni and girlfriends and he drifted away as I suppose many people do at that age.

I played the long game, he was always welcome in my house, when he graduated and had no job or money he moved in with us. When he needed help buying his first home we helped. When babies came along I changed my work hours to provide childcare. Now as a mature adult he is close to me and the rest of the family.

Don't risk your future relationship with her by trying to sabotage her relationship with her father and his girlfriend, I don't think that will end well.

@Sugarcoatedalmonds sometimes it’s just desperation, looking for a fix.

@Kira4 this will take time and more emotional investment. So glad you’ve re-thought it, also it took courage to post on here and seek out stranger’s opinions, we can only know so much about how difficult it’s been for you all.

There must be reasons why your dd doesn’t seem to like you very much and going by your train of thought it doesn’t seem hard to believe.

What a rotten thing to want to do.

I haven’t read full thread but seems you are reconsidering (what was a dreadful idea in the first place). So that at least is good.

That's true, but I'm sure her daughter is picking up on it though which won't be helping things!

She needs a mum. That's what she's trying to get with the gf (though this is not safe as there's a good chance your ex will split with this lady at some point - her only true mum is you). You need to find ways to be her mum more, not send her away. You need to see the good in her - the implied criticism in this thread is heavy. She's 11 years old. She's a little girl and she needs you to think she's amazing and make her feel special and valued. Don't send her away. Boarding schools aren't good for anyone but in this situation it would be a complete disaster.

Be mindful that even if you have stuck to previously made decisions, minds and circumstances can change. She’s at an age where she can have an opinion and it be considered. She may not want to go, and/or her father may change his mind. If you try and force it she would absolutely get a say in where she resides.

You feel threatened by the girlfriend. That doesn’t mean the girlfriend has done anything wrong though, or that your daughter being close to her is a negative. If your daughter has been struggling then having a stable and positive relationship with an adult in her life is only going to be benefit and stabilise her. That it isn’t you she’s looking at to provide this may hurt you, but don’t hurt your daughter in order to assuage your own feelings. It won’t work.

Agree @Sugarcoatedalmonds

@Kira4 out of interest did you board? I say that because you said your daughter ‘will eventually love it’. I don’t think Boarding is good for anyone but at 11 it’s definitely not good. Work on that connection with her, don’t blame her, she’s 11.

Quite!

I’m not reading all of this because it’s triggering to me. Your poor daughter.

As someone who was sent to boarding school (allegedly one of the best boarding schools in Europe), please don’t.