Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

Perhaps you need to speak to ex about his plans to return to the U.K. If he’s thinking of moving imminently with his gf, you both look at schools (not boarding schools) near your families. If he has no plans to move back in the next year or two, keep her at the school she’s at or enrol her in an international school to make the transition easier if you all ever do move back.

In the meantime, let her stay with her dad and put all your efforts into building a relationship with your daughter. I had a v distant relationship with my mother from puberty onwards. For me, what might have made the difference was if she’d told me she loved me and made me believe the door was always open to me. Ask her regularly if she’d like to go out for lunch or dinner, go shopping, stay with you, go away for a weekend together. Keep letting her know that you’re there.

Yeah, honestly if I were your daughter this would appear like you just want to disrupt some stability and are upset about fractured parental relationship. It surely would not help me get closer to you. Quite the opposite.

And OP, be wary of all the advice from family. They might hate your ex and be clouded by that, they probably would love to have you both home etc. But while well intentioned, it might not be in your daughter's best interests. So take all advice with a pinch of salt, consider people 's motivations etc. and centre your daughter's well being at the end of the day.

Well it's not hard to see why she doesn't like you. Who is the 'us' that live with you? Have you already moved a new partner in? Why did you split up from her father if your relationship was amicable and he is a good parent? She is 11 and you seem to have abdicated all responsibility for parentung her. You've uprooted her to a different country that speaks a different language, and now she's somewhat settled you want to uproot her again? To live by herself in an institution? Why would you do that? Parenting is not a job you can outsource. If you aren't willing or don't have what it takes, get out of the way and let her dad do it. Some people are so incredibly selfish.

Really? You know that? I know quite a few adults that went to boarding school and 99% of them hated it and resent the fact they were sent there. I would never send a child to boarding school but each to their own. However, I think it’s just plain wrong to do it early for the reasons you are suggesting.

The OP is asking for help fgs. There is no call for this sort of kicking. Try a bit of helpful advice.

The place may be fine - but that's not the whole story.

Your DD has been through some tough, life changing and disturbing events in her life. Moving, living with others will not have added to her security.
And now this......

My DW, and siblings, were Forces children in the 60s + 70s. They were sent away. My DW and brother were 9 and 8 respectively when they were sent away. (Her DS followed later)

The school seemed ideal - activities, co-ed, suitable area etc. Just lacked one thing....... love + attention.

It's what Forces families did then, expenses were paid for it. Many of the children of her parents' friends and colleagues did the same.

'Don't let your mother see you cry'

We never considered it for our own children. If I'd have suggested it I think her second word would have been OFF.

Some may thrive on it - but I suspect many are changed, scarred, feel rejected. Some may tell brave stories - but also carry a degree of baggage.

You daughter may well feel a bit unstable, you may feel she has problems, worries etc but I'm sorry but I don't think this is the answer.

I've not read all the posts, but all I can say is that if you need to ask strangers on a forum about something so difficult, then there really is a problem.

This is a massive issue which you need to talk to family about or seek professional advice - counselling, psychologist, teachers involved in your daughter's education now.

Your daughter appears to be happy, working hard, and doing well. In your shoes the conversation I would be having is ‘how can we make sure she continues to be happy, working hard, and doing well?’ I’d probably also ask for your ex’s support to help you integrate better into her life. If weekends aren’t working think about what will work - some weekdays or evenings, a shared hobby, an evening swim, a road trip to see your family…whatever works. She’s 11 now and should be part of these conversations. Once they hit teens they tend to pull away a bit anyway, so the cosy weekends you were anticipating probably wouldn’t have happened anyway. That’s no reflection on you, but they do become quite independent very quickly.

Speak to her about it. Is there anyway that you could move back to England, close to family, and she could move in with you? I'd be doing anything I could to salvage that relationship, even if it means giving up a job, moving country etc.

If she wasn't so friendly with your ex's new gf would you still think now is the right time to send her away? If the answer to that isn't a resounding yes then you need to give your head a wobble and seriously think about what your real motivation is here.

This is incredibly sad.

I'm getting about 60% jealousy from you, 40% sadness at the relationship, and frankly 0% concern over your daughter's happiness and wellbeing.

For a start, a child should only go to boarding school if that is what THEY want to do. It may be 'expected' of her and your 'plan' but what would she prefer?

Most children would not prefer to go to boarding school. The trauma of you and your dad separating means it's an even worse idea.

Just to be clear, I don't mean it's bad now but okay in a year, I think it's a bad idea for her to go to boarding school now or the future, unless she expresses excitement and enthusiasm for going.

Sending her to boarding school will not repair your relationship. It will likely damage it beyond repair. All you will be doing is deliberately sabotaging other relationships she has, which is frankly vindictive and cruel.

Completely agree with all of this. You moved her out to Spain and now you get to decide whether she should identify as British or Spanish?

Would it be possible for you to talk to his girlfriend about this? It's so hard on you and she is enabling your daughter's distance from you.

I’d leave her with her dad for now and give her the option to go if she wants at a later stage .

She may be seeing your ex's GF as a fun "older sister" figure rather than a replacement mother. I would try letting go the thoughts of her choosing an unrelated woman as a mother as that can't be a credible base for choosing her schooling.
Teenagers often "dislike" one /both parents for not entirely clear reasons. I was one of those, disliked my mom around the same age (still loved her though) but she seemed always not satisfied with whatever we/ our dad did and judgemental (think unhappy about straight As because these were not A*s). It has changes as I have grown up.

Your DD is only 11, I understand she has had a lot to unpick regarding her change in circumstance but regardless you ( and her Dad) are the parents, and need to be in charge. Not her.

if you think she needs to spend more time with you and her sister ( and I agree) then you need to make it happen. Make plans for at least one or two weekends and stick to them. It won’t be helpful to her in the long term to simply give in to her .She won’t always get her own way in life and this is as good a time as any to learn it. Not doing it to avoid conflict with your XH is an opt out too. It’s possible that she and he are similar, but your acquiescence to their wants might be a factor here.

The issue with the girlfriend is not the key one in my opinion. The key is you and your XH finding a way to parent your DC effectively. Even if you were together you wouldn’t always agree but you need to find a way to move forward to ensure you do what your DD needs, not necessarily what she always wants even though that’s maybe the easiest option!

I think you need to start a new thread. 🙏

I'm new and thought I had! Sorry.

From what I can tell from your post, your idea of moving her to a British boarding school is entirely a selfish one… she is clearly happy/more settled - why on earth would you move her now? You would likely damage your relationship even more. You sound quite busy- I wonder if she feels you don’t put her first/have time for her. Best of luck with your relationship with her; I think you should ask her what she would like and not do it for yourself..

You need to find out when exams are for the boarding school because I suspect that they are held months (even years) before starting (pre tests etc )

I think that your motivations are unfair on your dd. It sounds like you are doing this because you want to sabotage her relationship with the gf and to stop her identifying more with her Spanish side.

I don’t think that boarding school would be bad for your dd because I don’t know her personality but if you’re going to send her then you need to organise your life so you’re available for exeats etc. Can you organise living in the UK permanently in the near future ? It would be unfair to send her to boarding school before you are able to make the necessary adjustments to your life and have your extended family fill that gap.

My parents have been expats and I’ve been to international schools and boarding school so I won’t judge on those choices but the older she gets the harder it will be to move - especially if the school that you’re considering does GCSEs and A-levels rather than IB.

the older she gets the harder it will be to move

This is what I had thought too.

Im now making active moves to begin the transition back to England and hope to be resettled there within two years. It’s possible X will also be back in UK then but far from certain and not sure that’s even what he wants in the short term anymore.

The only issue we would have with gaining admission for her if we did decide to send her would be time to get all paperwork sorted

If your ex is committed with his Spanish girlfriend will he want to return to the UK?