To be upset by suggestion I am neurodiverse?

[RaggyDollsFan]

I went to see a psychologist privately (proper BACP-registered one before anyone asks) about birth trauma.

About 10 mins into the appointment she suddenly asked, ‘Are you neurodiverse? Has anyone ever asked you that before?’

They have not. I know she meant to be helpful as I gather there are lots of women out there for whom a late discovery of neurodiversity has been extremely positive. Suddenly their whole lives have started to make sense to them and they’ve been able to ‘connect to their tribe.’

The question came up because she’d asked whether I had a good support network and I’d said no, not really. Although I have some good friends I’ve collected over the years, they’re now very geographically scattered and at different life stages. Through having a baby I’d hoped to create a new social network locally but I’ve found this a lot harder than I expected. I’ve been disappointed with baby groups and have struggled to find others I really connect with.

Since the neurodiversity suggestion, I’ve become a bit paranoid, wondering whether it’s obvious to everyone that I’m somehow strange and different. I’m much less likely to take social risks now than I was before and overall it’s just made me more unhappy. I’m not sure where to go with this now and am genuinely confused as to whether I am ND or not. My OH asks, ‘Does it matter? Regardless, you are you and have come this far.’ Yet having a professional raise this has brought up a lot of self-doubt and upset.

I don't think she would have asked out of thin air.

If you don't think you are then you don't need to change anything, but if you do think there's a possibility, then you could always do some more research and pursue a diagnosis if you want.

I'm autistic and my diagnosis changed my life.

It's not an insult so I don't know why it would upset you.

If you are (and it's impossible to know based on anything you have said), it doesn't change anything about who you are and what you've done.

You are still the same person. And honestly, some of the most amazing people I know are neuro diverse - it's not a negative or a positive. It just is. It's not strange, just like having red hair isn't strange - it's just less common.

You seen to think that it would make you somehow 'worse'. But it doesn't. It changed nothing, other than possibly how your understand your own experience.

Have you done the AQ psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient There's an interesting thread on here about the scoring but I can elaborate later.

I completely understand this must be a shock. My thoughts are in order to work best with you and your individual needs, it's a reasonable question to ask. Most therapy goals involve building a relationship and that's the vehicle for change. So I'm assuming the therapist was asking because something wasn't quite making sense.

Surely that is a psychologist's job though?! To diagnose and treat if needed.

Your husband's response does suggest perhaps he thinks she may be correct

A lot of people hear the suggestion of ND as a criticism. I'm ND myself, I get it - it's like being told I'm visibly off, I'm not pretending to be normal adequately enough. The thing is though, I am a bit different to most people and I can't help that. I can feel better perhaps by owning it.

Up to you if you take it any further. It sounds like your OH is trying to leave next steps firmly in your hands, which is nice. Its not like they said "Well durr" (like mine did)!

I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to be upset by that in that context.

To be honest OP, your response is confusing to me. It might be upsetting to know that you have a health condition that you were unaware of, that is understandable, but presumably by seeking the services of a psychologist, you were wanting medical help and part of that is exploring diagnoses. A psychiatrist is trained in neurodivergent conditions so it’s not a question designed to upset you, but to see what support you may need to help you move forward. You seem to be in denial that this could be an accurate potential diagnosis. No one thinks you are “strange” but you might have a different way of thinking that can be supported, but to access that support is it not worth listening and seeing if it applies to you?

Self doubt is normal if you have a new diagnosis but it doesn’t mean it’s the end of your life, in fact it could be the start of you understanding yourself more? And what works for you? And what does not work for you?

I think it's completely normal to feel upset when someone suggests this to you. I say this as someone with ND kids and starting to wonder if I am myself.

Presumably you were already feeling a bit out of sorts if you were visiting a psychologist so to have a professional suddenly identify something about you that seems different from the 'normal' would make anyone paranoid! Of course she couldn't diagnose you after ten minutes anyway.

OP you can do what you like with the info. You can ignore it if it's not helpful to you. You can think about what it might mean if it is the case that you have a neurodiversity and if it might help you to know it. You can squirrel the thought away and come back to it later. It is not a case of an all knowing person categorising you as one thing or another and you've just got to accept that now you are this thing. You're an adult and you are in charge of yourself, and nobody can classify you as anything that you don't agree with!

I know it’s probably a shock if you’ve never considered it before, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of if you are. Do some research and see whether it resonates. I suspect there are many ND people walking around with absolutely no clue - ie - it is nowhere near as ‘divergent’ as currently thought.

@fieldsofbutterflies She did give me details of a psychiatrist I could see for a diagnosis. It’s £1300 though. This feels quite drastic. It was not what I was consulting her about.

Well the term should be neurodivergent so I am doubting her credibility unless she did say neurodivergent and you remembered incorrectly.

Apart from that once you've got over your shock maybe think about if you are maybe neurodivergent and whether a diagnosis might be helpful to your mental health. I have had mental health problems since early 20s and recently have been wondering whether I am neurodivergent.

I remember being similarly outraged to you, when the doctor suggested that I had a problem with anxiety relating to my health. In later years I realised he was probably right and I've tried to get a hold on my health anxiety.

I also didn't make any friends at baby/toddler groups or school playground. I made some amazing friends ,however , later at new job where we all shared similar values personality types and interests and interestingly many of them feel they may have a neuro difference too, undiagnosed.

Well the term should be neurodivergent so I am doubting her credibility unless she did say neurodivergent and you remembered incorrectly.

Apart from that once you've got over your shock maybe think about if you are maybe neurodivergent and whether a diagnosis might be helpful to your mental health. I have had mental health problems since early 20s and recently have been wondering whether I am neurodivergent.

I remember being similarly outraged to you, when the doctor suggested that I had a problem with anxiety relating to my health. In later years I realised he was probably right and I've tried to get a hold on my health anxiety.

I also didn't make any friends at baby/toddler groups or school playground. I made some amazing friends ,however , later at new job where we all shared similar values personality types and interests and interestingly many of them feel they may have a neuro difference too, undiagnosed.

Interesting!

I have diagnosed ASD and ADHD and scored 34 out of 50, with scores above 33 indicating significant autistic traits. I am VERY obviously neurospicey to appropriately qualified people, but not to non-professionals on initial/ early interactions.

God I hate threads about ND on AIBU - I’m going to have to hide this already.

I suspect you are attempting to be PC with your wording, but it’s not a ‘health condition’.

I don't think she would have mentioned it if she didn't feel as though it was relevant to you and your situation.

I understand it's shocking if it's never been mentioned before but neurodiversity is chronically un-diagnosed in women and it is part of her job to identify these things and help patients pursue a diagnosis or access support if needed.

However if you don't want to then you don't have to.

I am recently diagnosed with hf autism at the age of 56 and whilst it does indeed help me make sense of many things throughout my life I felt a bit worried that my friends had always thought I had autism but not felt able to suggest it.
Those I asked said that autism hadn’t occurred to them as they thought my ocd and anxiety explained my ways. Which I understand as I thought this too. Now they know everyone is fine with it, as am I.

If I relied on that test I would think I was NT - it doesn’t ask the right questions for me.

It’s worth doing a few of the tests on that site - they have lots, all with good explanations about limitations and so on.

"@weareallcats If I relied on that test I would think I was NT - it doesn’t ask the right questions for me.

It’s worth doing a few of the tests on that site - they have lots, all with good explanations about limitations and so on."

Same.

I scored 16/50.

Diagnosed ADHD and likely ASD.

Doesn't mean I'm unsocial or have a superb memory for numbers though!

Wrong questions for sure.

I also think a life of being female means we're forced to learn how to override a lot of the things it's asking.

Agree. There was a lot of focus on implied introversion/ not enjoying the company of people. Which I do not relate to at all as quite an extroverted person.

I hear you. Rationally I know it’s not an insult.

I suppose I had a lot of social anxiety already. I’d come to really hate going to baby groups but have been pushing myself to keep going anyway as I know it’s not good to be isolated at home. I so often feel like I don’t fit in that well, that there are cliques I am not a part of and fear the others judging me - for my baby being unsettled, for the disaster that was her birth, for not having managed to wash my hair as often as I’d like and generally looking a mess, etc.

This has just made it so much worse by adding the worry of, ‘Oh heavens, do I also just come across as weird? Am I missing social cues in the way that autistic people do? Are they all thinking I’m massively lacking in social skills and pitying and/or laughing at me behind my back?! I just want to go home.’

She may have asked because being ND might change how they approach things.

I guess my issue is that it wasn’t what I was consulting her about.

I feel you are conflating things here - the £1300 is not relevant, you can contact the NHS for support for a diagnosis for free, it may just take longer than a private practitioner.

Plus it doesn’t matter if this diagnosis is not what you were consulting her about. If you went to your GP about a problem with your leg and their assessment was there may be a problem with your foot, would you be upset?

There was something in how you presented that showed possible symptoms of neurodivergence alongside your trauma. I studied psychology at university and was taught about neurodivergence as part of my course - there are specific modules students must take for an accredited course to join the board you mention in your OP. So do you not think part of her duty of care towards you to use her medical knowledge of these conditions to ensure you are signposted to the right support? Or do you expect her not to explore any other conditions even if her medical opinion is that the other condition is relevant?