To be upset by suggestion I am neurodiverse?

[RaggyDollsFan]

I went to see a psychologist privately (proper BACP-registered one before anyone asks) about birth trauma.

About 10 mins into the appointment she suddenly asked, ‘Are you neurodiverse? Has anyone ever asked you that before?’

They have not. I know she meant to be helpful as I gather there are lots of women out there for whom a late discovery of neurodiversity has been extremely positive. Suddenly their whole lives have started to make sense to them and they’ve been able to ‘connect to their tribe.’

The question came up because she’d asked whether I had a good support network and I’d said no, not really. Although I have some good friends I’ve collected over the years, they’re now very geographically scattered and at different life stages. Through having a baby I’d hoped to create a new social network locally but I’ve found this a lot harder than I expected. I’ve been disappointed with baby groups and have struggled to find others I really connect with.

Since the neurodiversity suggestion, I’ve become a bit paranoid, wondering whether it’s obvious to everyone that I’m somehow strange and different. I’m much less likely to take social risks now than I was before and overall it’s just made me more unhappy. I’m not sure where to go with this now and am genuinely confused as to whether I am ND or not. My OH asks, ‘Does it matter? Regardless, you are you and have come this far.’ Yet having a professional raise this has brought up a lot of self-doubt and upset.

@Playinwithfire again I'd love to see the evidence for label culture as you call it. This is not the same as misdiagnosis, that can happen in any area of health. In what way do you think getting diagnosed is not getting due care, that's a separate issue (and definitely a thing). Getting a diagnosis for many people is often the first step in actually getting appropriate care.
People going on about label culture trivialises others experiences.

@Jobsharenightmare I think you misunderstand me. To me, there was no more stigma to me being asked if I was neurodivergent than if I had high blood pressure. A factual question about my brain/body.

@Eieiom So read up on it? 🤔

"People going on about label culture trivialises others experiences." 👍🏻

You clearly don’t think you are ND OP, so I’m not sure why you started this thread

I think it’s fairly obvious as to the reason OP started this thread, and they’ve got exactly what they wanted from some posters. 🙄

Square peg podcast is excellent.

Perhaps you were able to converse easily and fluently in your proffesjon because you were an expert in the field /subject? Whereas a baby group and the chit chat about I don’t know, kitchens, holidays, nurseries is incredibly bland to you? What is/was your profession? Is your sense of humour quirky?

I was diagnosed autistic and ADHD age 50
Have read odd girl out and various other books , looking for a light bulb moment..
There was none
A lot of the questions on the assesment didn't relate to me ,and i sent the assessors a huge book Id spent weeks writing ,about how autism had effected my life ,so everything was covered.
I've not found a single other autistic person I can relate to ,not even my own children who are diagnosed also .
It just goes to show ..when you have met once autistic person ...you have met ,one autistic person..
Look up Samantha craft ,the autism in women checklist ..I ticked every box and also sent my assessors a copy of Samantha craft checklist ,explaining I met every criteria on it

No, I’d say it’s that I find the topics painfully emotive rather than bland. I feel rubbish that I didn’t have a better experience of birth and that I’ve found breastfeeding so hard. Also that my baby doesn’t sleep better and often seems unsettled when in company (perhaps she picks up on my discomfort). I usually end up feeling like everyone else is having a better time than I am and it just reinforces my negative feelings further. I don’t want to out myself as I work in quite a niche profession but it usually produces plenty of things to talk about which don’t have such a personal focus if that makes sense.

I started the thread because I was genuinely curious to hear how appropriate people felt the psychologist’s suggestion was. The term I used is ‘upset’ rather than ‘offended’ or ‘insulted.’ Honestly yes, I am quite upset that a professional would suggest I could benefit from social skills training as this was an area I’d thought I was reasonably competent in.

Thanks for the podcast recommendation.

OP I think it you go to talk about one issue (whether a relationship, PND or birth trauma) it might be reasonable for the person who is helping you to flag up other potential issues once they have spent some time supporting you.
That's not what has happened here, and you are right to feel let down by it. (I remember that "everyone is coping with this better than me" feeling at baby groups - it is such a hard time for many women). In particular the suggestion of a paid-for test seems entirely inappropriate.

It sounds quite unprofessional of the psychologist to throw out that comment so casually. It reminds me of some MN threads where "Could you be ND?" is the answer to everything!

I think it is not uncommon for women to find it difficult to switch from their professional working life to life as a mother. Not all women enjoy talking about babies and going to baby groups. I tried my best but to be honest I was bored out of my mind talking about how each baby was feeding, putting on weight, and listening to other mothers moaning about their useless partners.

I also had a traumatic birth experience (at least in my head, on paper it wasn't as bad as what other women experience) but for me it was not something I wanted to discuss or for that matter hear other people talking about their experiences. Same with breast feeding. For me it was an upsetting topic as it didn't go as easily as I had expected.

I am neurodiverse and it doesn't bother me.
But I would seriously question the professionalism of someone who has spoken to you for 10mins and asks such a thing.
They should have gotten to know you and suggested you look into it - not ask such a stupid question after 10mins

No, I’d say it’s that I find the topics painfully emotive rather than bland. I feel rubbish that I didn’t have a better experience of birth and that I’ve found breastfeeding so hard. Also that my baby doesn’t sleep better and often seems unsettled when in company (perhaps she picks up on my discomfort). I usually end up feeling like everyone else is having a better time than I am and it just reinforces my negative feelings further. I don’t want to out myself as I work in quite a niche profession but it usually produces plenty of things to talk about which don’t have such a personal focus if that makes sense.

OP - back in the second wave of feminism we considered this through the lenses of consciousness-raising and the personal being political. We compared experiences, looked for commonalities and considered aspects that were emblematic of women's oppression such as the way birthing mothers are treated, or false narratives we were given of birth, breastfeeding (nursing I think it was called) or unrealistic and highly gendered expectations of new mothers. We encouraged feminist health professionals to consider these issues with women who visited them.

Now it is all individualised and, dare I say, medicalised.

Honestly yes, I am quite upset that a professional would suggest I could benefit from social skills training as this was an area I’d thought I was reasonably competent in.

It does seem a bit of a leap from having a difficult birth and not a great support network to this. Lots of women have babies at points where their lives are diverging from their friends for career or personal reasons.

Baby groups can be unbearably cliquey, which makes it a whole lot harder.

It's worth trying a few to find if there's a more friendly one.

Don't let her comment stop you taking social risks, life rarely gets better in isolation.

I'm not great socially, just bad at keeping in touch and not good at group dynamics. In my experience most people are just trying to get by and have the same insecurities.

I think there's an easy ND test. Have you struggled your whole life with things that everyone else finds easy? Y or N? There's your answer.

how does anyone really know what things other people find easy?

Perhaps...her query was based on your response not being" neuro typical."
(Personally I'd be more offended if that was suggested bout me!)