To be upset by suggestion I am neurodiverse?

[RaggyDollsFan]

I went to see a psychologist privately (proper BACP-registered one before anyone asks) about birth trauma.

About 10 mins into the appointment she suddenly asked, ‘Are you neurodiverse? Has anyone ever asked you that before?’

They have not. I know she meant to be helpful as I gather there are lots of women out there for whom a late discovery of neurodiversity has been extremely positive. Suddenly their whole lives have started to make sense to them and they’ve been able to ‘connect to their tribe.’

The question came up because she’d asked whether I had a good support network and I’d said no, not really. Although I have some good friends I’ve collected over the years, they’re now very geographically scattered and at different life stages. Through having a baby I’d hoped to create a new social network locally but I’ve found this a lot harder than I expected. I’ve been disappointed with baby groups and have struggled to find others I really connect with.

Since the neurodiversity suggestion, I’ve become a bit paranoid, wondering whether it’s obvious to everyone that I’m somehow strange and different. I’m much less likely to take social risks now than I was before and overall it’s just made me more unhappy. I’m not sure where to go with this now and am genuinely confused as to whether I am ND or not. My OH asks, ‘Does it matter? Regardless, you are you and have come this far.’ Yet having a professional raise this has brought up a lot of self-doubt and upset.

IME the free online tests give a pretty good indication and will lead you to other resources for more information. I'd definitely do this before paying a lot of money for a formal diagnosis.

Also IME those getting diagnosed late in life have already worked it out for themselves - the actual diagnosis is confirmation of what they already know. Often it comes after their children are diagnosed.

It's more often the other way around and the experience of neurodivergence leads to victimisation and trauma. There's a school of thought that this includes endemic microtraumas from living in an environment which is profoundly uncomfortable.

I mean yes it's a vicious cycle obviously, nobody is denying that

In terms of trauma originally causing/leading to ND (eg affecting early brain development) I was referring to ACEs though

@5475878237NC do you have to pay for this one? I've done one before, got right to the end and it wanted me to pay for my results.

I don't mind paying if they are upfront about it but I didn't like the fact they didn't say anything until the very end!

10min into appointment she asks if you are neurodiverse?! I’d ignore anything she says - she does not sound professional nor competent.

Think you have to be really careful here as ACEs get chucked around in a very unscientific and problematic way which can be stigmatising for families.

If we are talking autism, environmental factors usually refer to epigenetic influences on the expression of multiple genes rather than the way a person is brought up.

You have consulted a psychologist to help, and she gave you a possible explanation for some of your issues.
Surely that's her job?

NEURODIVERGENT!!!

Oh great, another thread where an OP feels insulted at being asked if they're ND. It's been a minute 🙄

I would have thought asking someone if they were neurodivergent in a psychology session is like asking a mental patient for their past medical history?
Anxiety is common in autistic people and additionally the treatment approach is different.
I would have taken it as thorough history taking and definitely not been offended. Lots of adults are undiagnosed and a diagnosis can help many.

*medical not mental, stupid phone!

The same thing happened to me, I went to my therapist for OCD in January and last month she gently suggested I might be neurodivergent and we did some assessments together, where I scored quite highly. Having done a lot of research, it's not only clear that I'm autistic, my unmasking was triggered by perimenopausal symptoms that began last year. Hormonal fluctuations and imbalance in women is a HUGE factor in exacerbating autistic symptoms, causing the ability to mask (some people do this completely subconsciously) more challenging. I wonder if your pregnancy/birth had a similar effect with Oestrogen levels dropping? Neurodivergent people often have several comorbidities, such as trauma, PMDD, OCD, social anxiety etc and is much easier to miss in females. Your therapist could be wrong and may have misdiagnosed you, but it's probably worth exploring more. Feel free to DM me, happy to chat more x

OP I struggled with baby groups too. I, probably naively) thought it would be a lovely supportive place to go where I could chat about how much love I feel for my baby but how hard things are too, turn up with wet hair, not care how I look. I was completely wrong! I ended up mainly taking my kids to activity groups as I didn't find the supportive side of groups at all for me. I don't think it's essential to engage in baby groups. The baby, for a start, will not mind.

Without wanting to upset you when you're feeling low OP, these are very damaging stereotypes.

She’s taken them directly from the ASQ questionnaire linked upthread. She isn’t just pulling stereotypes out of thin air.

I believe there is a label culture happening. An that everyone who does not behave within the norm are somehow "strange, different or weird". And therefore condition or disorders are handed out like sweets and depending which one you get, usually depends on the treatment you receive i.e. judgement or support.
Society portrays kindness (I say this lightly) to those who are Autistic in comparison to those experiencing depression or PTSD. Consequently we carry shame or guilt for our bodies natural response to unnatural events.

What we are not educated on is our natural response to trauma. We are taught to get up and get on with it and not give our bodies and mind time to heal or understand what has actually happened.

Your traumatic birth is a trauma. Something you need to understand NOT be labelled. I would seriously revisit and research a counselor/psychologist who are trauma informed.

Thank you for responding. It’s interesting to hear a professional’s viewpoint. This is how I feel too overall. It was brought up much too soon and too casually, only considering one particular context (i.e. me not having the social network I would like right now as a relatively new mother). As you say, it really did feel like she’d got a bit carried away. The effect was that I did not go back to her as she’d made me feel uncomfortable and so I did not get the help I wanted with birth trauma. I am now seeing another psychologist although it took me several more months to pluck up the courage to do so.

I do appreciate though that professionals are sometimes criticized for not mentioning these things, so it must feel like a no-win situation at times. On reflection I suppose I wish she’d asked some more questions looking at the bigger picture before jumping in with that. Reading back over my own posts, I sound like someone who has maybe just had a rough transition to motherhood and bad luck with baby groups. I am genuinely unsure and confused as to whether there may be more going on and £1300 really does feel like a lot to spend to find out.

Also apologies, I meant the BPS not BACP. This was a chartered clinical psychologist. However she definitely used the term ‘neurodiverse’ rather than ‘neurodivergent.’

I wasn’t meaning to imply all ND people do this.

Yes private psychologist, not qualified to diagnose. She never claimed that she was. That would require a further three appointments with her specialist psychiatrist friend in Harley Street.

I’ve tried reading the book ‘Odd Girl Out’ but did not really identify with it. I’ve also joined a FB group for autistic women in the UK but not got much from that either and definitely not a sense of, ‘Hallelujah, I’ve found my tribe at last.’

Any other suggestions welcome.

You do not need to pay for a private diagnosis OP. i suggest talk to your GP about a referral and say a mental health professional has advised you to look into this. There are waiting lists but they're not endless.

@Playinwithfire I have to say this "diagnoses are handed out like sweets" opinion is so offensive and hurtful to people who have gone through some seriously tough times before receiving a diagnosis.
I just hate it! I don't know how this commentary is meant to be taken by autistic people, so maybe you could think about that.

Also society isn't super kind to autistic people, yes it's better than it was, but there's still a lot of misconceptions and bias around, some of which is evident in this thread, especially where the OP was shaken to her foundations that she could be. I was asked recently if I was neurodivergent, thought about it, said no (don't meet any criteria ) and it didn't bother me for one second, any more than if someone asked me if I had high blood pressure.

If a suggestion of ND doesn't 'click' with you then you're probably not very ND. For most of the ND women I know it was more of a 'well now it all makes sense' kind of moment!

I think feeling out of your comfort zone, (post birth trauma, hormone havok & suddenly dropped into a new social group where all you actually have in common is recently having given birth in the same town) can produce feelings of not fitting in that might be a bit similar to how a ND person feels, but yours is due to a specific set of circumstances, not how your entire life has felt!

You clearly don’t think you are ND OP, so I’m not sure why you started this thread, other than to have everyone say ‘don’t worry, you’re not like those weirdos’. I think there are many, many ND people around who are actively being harmed by stereotypes - both those who are diagnosed (because people make assumptions, as evidenced by attitudes on this thread) and also those who are walking around assuming they couldn’t possibly be ND, because they don’t tick certain boxes and so they just carry on struggling.

Also, I haven’t personally found books written by ND people particularly useful - it’s usually only a memoir relating to that person and their experiences and really that is not much different to expecting all NT people to relate to every memoir written by an NT person.

ND people are as varied as NT people - remember NT people share a number of characteristics too, but they are still incredibly varied in personality and so are ND people.

The most useful book I’ve read is Watching the English by Kate Fox - it made me realise that I don’t partake in a lot of ‘standard’ conventions.

@Eieiom Clearly misread my post. This is a label culture! Misdiagnoses happen! Handing out like sweets because there is no due care to the persons welfare. Which leads to a lot of issues.
What makes you think I don't know what it is like?

any more than if someone asked me if I had high blood pressure.

^ neurodiversity means your brain is literally wired up differently. It's in no way comparable to living with a long term health condition that can be treated.