To be upset by suggestion I am neurodiverse?

[RaggyDollsFan]

I went to see a psychologist privately (proper BACP-registered one before anyone asks) about birth trauma.

About 10 mins into the appointment she suddenly asked, ‘Are you neurodiverse? Has anyone ever asked you that before?’

They have not. I know she meant to be helpful as I gather there are lots of women out there for whom a late discovery of neurodiversity has been extremely positive. Suddenly their whole lives have started to make sense to them and they’ve been able to ‘connect to their tribe.’

The question came up because she’d asked whether I had a good support network and I’d said no, not really. Although I have some good friends I’ve collected over the years, they’re now very geographically scattered and at different life stages. Through having a baby I’d hoped to create a new social network locally but I’ve found this a lot harder than I expected. I’ve been disappointed with baby groups and have struggled to find others I really connect with.

Since the neurodiversity suggestion, I’ve become a bit paranoid, wondering whether it’s obvious to everyone that I’m somehow strange and different. I’m much less likely to take social risks now than I was before and overall it’s just made me more unhappy. I’m not sure where to go with this now and am genuinely confused as to whether I am ND or not. My OH asks, ‘Does it matter? Regardless, you are you and have come this far.’ Yet having a professional raise this has brought up a lot of self-doubt and upset.

No actually.

Good question.

Don't underestimate the impact of trauma and indeed hormonal changes. Often people jump to ADHD for example when in reality there can be another explanation. Especially in women of a certain age.

Dc have ADHD. I have some textbook traits so I wondered. However I didn't even consider that some particularly tragic bereavements, an abusive marriage (SA/DV survivor) and becoming menopausal would have impacted me in such a way. Turns out I am neurotypical but have PTSD. It absolutely fits as I had none of the traits when I was younger before the events happened.

I would suggest anyone exploring this route consider if there was a history at a younger age or have certain things only become noticeable after a triggering event. I think we are only just beginning to appreciate the effect personal trauma can have on the brain.

It sounds like an initial assessment and in that context asking about any diagnosis or consideration of a diagnosis is quite appropriate. Perhaps she thought about it when you mentioned that you didn't have much of a support network but she might have asked it at some point in the initial assessment anyway.

Your confusion might suggest that you do have some traits but many people do without it affecting their lives or they manage fine until something happens and they are overwhelmed. Like @TheDefiant I have traits but generally my lifestyle and friends mean that I manage fine in everyday life, I don't need adaptations from others, but my awareness of the traits help me sometimes to think 'ah that might explain it'.

They simply want money.

It's likely they give the same script to everyone.

Imagine if they see 10 people a day and say the same thing they told you.

Imagine 2 actually go along with the offer. That's £2600 a day.

Given you're seeing her about birth trauma I think she was a bit clumsy but asking as part of the initial assessment is really the best time.

The AQ seems to be an interesting one in that the people who think it's poorly worded and not specific enough or want to be able to respond in this precise context my answer is X, in this it would be y tend to have neurodiversity in common.

I suggest you ignore her and her comment OP. Personally I think it was entirely inappropriate given that she had barely met you.

Find someone who will actually help you process and resolve your birth trauma.

Yeah, not bad is it? My DH has said this too.

Thank you. Yes I am now seeing another psychologist and we’re doing EMDR. It’s just that the first one’s comments are still bothering me.

What is with all the ND bashing threads lately. Thanks for insulting my DC by implying it's an insult

Many of not most of the most talented, interesting and high achieving people who have lived are ND so I don't interpret it as any kind of insult. Most people recognised as geniuses would be, whether in tech development these days or the great composers and artists.
Along with their achievements they may have had struggles in life. So if someone is struggling socially it is definitely a wise question to ask.

Maybe a lot of the outdated and negative stereotypes and tropes about ND people are colouring this experience?

My husband's line of the family are mainly ND and both my daughters are. One is an artist and one is a writer.

I am not ND but have childhood PTSD which presents very similarly in many ways and makes us all understand each other. So that is definitely another good avenue to explore. Pete Walker has a great book about childhood PTSD.

“that I’m somehow strange and different”

As the mother of a child who is ND, I find this description offensive!!

I think statements like this are really naive to be honest.

Autism can be horrendous, both for the individual who has it and those who care about them. In no way does this personally insult your children.

Sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone here.

I suppose it’s reading about traits like impoliteness, not being able to tell when you’re boring others, talking so much that nobody else can get a word in edge ways, that have made me upset and paranoid. I feel really awful that maybe I have done these things without meaning to and cringe at not even been aware of it.

BACP are counsellors and Psychotherapists. They’re not qualified psychologists (although some may also be) and shouldn’t be asking you questions about neurodiversity. You should be looking for a Chartered Clinical Psychologist registered with the BPS and HCP.

Thank you. Yes I am now seeing another psychologist and we’re doing EMDR. It’s just that the first one’s comments are still bothering me.

I think I understand why. I have experienced trauma and someone qualified (but with whom I was in a personal and not professional social relationship with) suggested the same of me. My symptoms are trauma related and it felt so dismissive of this experience. Plus, it was totally out of line. The individual you saw, in my view, was also totally out of line in asking you based on your response to one question and especially when your reason for seeing them (trauma-related) was ignored.

An issue too is that any form of denial is seen an an insult so you are kind of trapped into accepting the 'diagnosis' for fear of insulting others.

And then you get paranoid - which exacerbates the effects of the trauma.

Honestly - let it go. After you have health with your BT try and see old friends or colleagues where you can remember your old self and you will know you are fine.

This worked for me.

I understand why the idea might be unsettling, OP. It's not easy to think that you are noticeably different. However for those of us who are ND that is our daily experience and finding out why and having self awareness and understanding can be life changing.

If you are ND, it is relevant to everything in your life: your birth trauma, the way you process difficulties, your relationships, your inner life, everything. So she was absolutely right to explore that if she thought it was a possibility.

I'm autistic and I am very pro-diagnosis. You don't need to go private unless you need the answer urgently. You could ask for a referral and take it from there. And meanwhile read more about autism - specifically women and autism - and see if anything speaks to you.

I am a psychologist: I think it’s a bit inappropriate to raise the issue of neurodiversity until you have got to know someone properly and even then it doesn’t always go well and should be done with caution.
I think therapists / psychologists have been learning more about ND issues over the last few years. Maybe some can get carried away. I do think there is a sense that ND clients feel let down if they have seen several professionals over the years and no one has ever mentioned their neurodivergence. So in a sense therapists can easily get it wrong by not saying something as well as by saying something.
A first meeting though, is definitely not the right moment, unless the client themselves have raised it.

No, I wouldn’t be offended. It’s strong in my father’s side of the family - I’m likely ND myself, undiagnosed. Brother was adhd, but being a quiet, introverted girl I was overlooked. Dh’s side are ND too, neice is diagnosed with ASD, other neice, ADHD.

I was on the cusp on that test too.

I did eventually seek out an autism diagnosis. I was seen by 2 psychologists, one of whom also works for the Lorna Wing Centre (place owned by National Autistic Society where you can be diagnosed).

They said it was obvious to them I was autistic. For most of my friends and family and work colleagues it came as a surprise.

I'm so glad I went through with this. It has explained a lot.

That's not true of all Neurodiverse people. Mainly because a lot of us have eventually learned Social skills and we worked on it ( even before I knew I was ND)
I am interested in whether this was a private psychologist. Psychologists/ Counsellors aren't qualified to diagnose ND. It was an NHS Psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ADHD. Sounds as if they were trying to get money from you.
It gave me answers to things that I struggled with throughout my life, but I'm still the same person.
Am glad you are working on your trauma.

I scored 41/50 on the AQ test so presume I am practically Rain man but I never suspected I was autistic which is all the more ridiculous given I am a registered learning disabilities nurse.
In my defence autism in my clients (and everyone bar one person I ever worked with who was diagnosed autistic was male) presented much more overtly.

But it’s still relevant. You can surely see that if you were neurodivergent that would have a bearing on how you think and feel about things? Your therapist absolutely did the right thing to ask you about it.

Seeking help from a therapist about an emotional/mental health issue isn’t like seeing a doctor about a sprained ankle. The things we see therapists for can’t be compartmentalised like that.

@RaggyDollsFan And the prob with being neurodiverse is....?

God someone else who's unconsciously bias, but now knows it and wants to share it with MNrs.

What the F has the world come to?

BTW yoyr choice of name suggests you may be ND but why are you bothered? Noone who knows you cares!

I’ll read this thread further in a mo, first thought was “do you feel nd people to be strange?” If not why would anyone think this of you? Therapist probably noticed something that is fairly typical of nd people and asked for this reason. Have you since looked up most common lists of attributes of nd people, to see if you yourself feel you tick a good portion of the boxes.

even if you suspect you may be, there is no need for diagnosis if you do not want one.

I’ve not heard neurospicy before, I love it though, fits my daughter and partner to a T