Won’t you be hot in that? Aibu to think don’t ask someone this?

[beenoutontheopenroad]

I’m overweight (I’m doing something about it but regardless) and I hate showing parts of my body which is difficult when the suns out.

Yesterday I met up with friends and had a t-shirt on that was a 3 quarter length sleeve. Straight away I got asked “won’t you be hot in that”.

If you’re that person please just don’t comment this, it personally makes me feel shit as it’s taken me ages to get ready and I already feel so far out of my comfort zone . It’s also irrelevant to you if I’m hot as I’m the one who has to deal with it.

But OP wasn't inappropriately dressed - she was wearing a T-shirt, not an overcoat.

OP, I do think it was odd to comment on a T-shirt, as a slightly longer sleeve doesn't instantly turn you from cool to sweltering. If anything, you'd be the cooler one, given that forearms would not get so burnt by the sun's direct rays. Not even sure why that would even be noticed, TBH.

However, I do think you need to project a bit of confidence in your clothing choices - having been in your shoes, I found it helps to own your outfit then no-one notices your size, large or small.

Well, in that particular scenario, I guess I just wouldn't feel the need to make any kind of comment in the first place.

I assume an adult is more than capable of picking their own clothes and deciding for themselves what they feel comfortable in. If they get too hot, well, they can take their jumper off or roll up their jeans - they don't need my input

If an overweight person covers up in hot weather it's actually common sense to me to think it might be a body image issue and not ask this question. Yanbu.

I agree OP, it's an unnecessary comment that makes you feel rubbish because yes, of course I am hot in this outfit but I'm far too self conscious to get my arms/legs/belly out but thanks for bringing it to the forefront of my mind!

Get ready for all the social media posts soon as well about wear those shorts, don't worry about what you look like. Posts usually made by slim, toned women that look amazing 🙄😂

I feel your pain

I'm fat. Comment wouldn't bother me.

Id hope if I turned up to an event/acitivty dressed wrong then someone would raise it with me so I didn’t realise half way through I was going to die of heatstroke/freeze and could either change activity or clothes depending on situation. I wouldn’t see it any different to being told my shoes weren’t hardcore enough for the planned hike which has happened a few times.

I’ve also found with older people you sometimes need to prompt them because they will just melt and eventually faint rather than think to take their jumper off. I’ve always presumed they don’t feel the heat so much or it could just be my that’s my awkward family!

it doesn't need to be spite. Thoughtlessness and stupidity can still be offensive.

YANBU at ALL! This kind of shite does my head in. People who always have to say something.

With me - it's 'aren't you COLD?!' I very rarely get cold, and have bare arms even in Autumn and winter (unless it's less than 5 degrees C.) I just don't get cold very often. At LEAST once or twice a month, someone (usually another woman,) feels the need to say 'aren't you cold?!' 'You must be freezing!' 'ooooh you need a cardy on!' etc etc etc.... And one woman about 20 years older than me said last year 'you are a very silly girl not wrapping up properly in this cold weather!' I'm in my fucking 50s. I am NOT a silly little girl! I just said 'I'm fine thanks!'

I also go for walks - even when it's a bit cooler - or raining, and wear open toed sandals as they keep my feet cool - and if they get wet, they dry quickly. Last October, a woman I had never seen before (about 10 years YOUNGER than me,) felt the need to point at me randomly, and say 'what on earth have you got on your feet? Put some sensible shoes on that suit the weather!' I just looked at her like >>> and said 'I'm fine thank you. I'm a big girl, I can look after myself, and my shoes are fine.' She shook her head and said 'for goodness sake!' I was gobsmacked. I thought 'who the actual fucking hell do you think you are?'

Same story when me and DH were at a tourist attraction last summer. It was 19 degrees C, but a bit overcast and I was warm and was wearing knee-length shorts and a vest top. A woman (around 20 years older again,) stopped right in front of me, and said 'YOU NEED TO WRAP UP! Why are you dressed in skimpy clothes in this weather?' I was actually quite angry, and just ignored her and walked past her. She said 'er hello, I'm speaking to you!' DH said 'oh she doesn't really feel the cold.' I said 'don't fucking explain anything to this random woman. I don't even know who she is!' She looked disgusted - like I'd shat in her mouth. Again, I thought who the fuck does she think she is?!

This isn't just 'making conversation!' It's fucking nosey and intrusive, and I WILL tell you to mind your own business, or ignore you, or tell you to FUCK OFF. Depending on what mood you catch me in.

Why would you need to ask or comment at all? They likely looked in the mirror before stepping out the door. Why not trust they know themselves better than you? If they don’t, that is their problem and they will know for next time.

However, if they are the type that will moan either say something or don’t invite them at all.

I know how it feels. I used to spend summer in leggings and thin cardigans because of a really bad, shocking to look at, skin condition. The school run in summer was miserable with everyone looking gorgeous in their summer clothes and me sweating 😅

Yanbu I have sh scars and I hate it when people make comments like this and then on the odd occasion I don't cover them people comment on them. You literally can't win. Nobody should be commenting on people's bodies and clothes choices. It's awkward and makes me feel uncomfortable anybody disagreeing with you doesn't get it.

Who are you to decide whether someone else is "dressed wrong", though?

Inappropriate footwear is different as it can be a clear safety hazard - but also, pretty much nobody picks their footwear to cover up a health or medical issue that they don't want to be asked about.

Jeans instead of shorts or a t-shirt instead of a jumper is just personal preference - and last time I checked, you can always take a jumper off, or roll jeans up if you're feeling the heat.

Im thin and pale, i get cold super easily and burn at the mere sight of sun. I almost always wear long sleeves even when it’s very hot. No one has ever said this to me, so yes think it’s a dig at size which is just horrible.

@Differentstarts

Agree. With my skin everyone would tell me “No, don’t cover up, no-one will say anything! No-one’s looking at you!”

People did look, people did ask. Random shop keepers, people we bumped into. It’s not as easy as it sounds to not worry about it.

I think the people who get upset about the comments are probably just sick to death of them and have had a lifetime of ‘defending’ their clothing choices, whatever those may be. There is no need to make tedious observations like this about others.

And slightly OT but what’s wrong with a 3/4 length t shirt anyway? Sounds summery enough!

Agree so much with this. When I'm feeling self conscious anyway I have people saying won't you be hot in that. If it's a close friend who I know well I can crack a joke about them wanting me to take my clothes off so they can look at me but if it's an acquaintance I don't know what to say and feel like shit

I personally get annoyed if people say this as it sounds like something my mum would say when I was much younger. I am not overweight and don't have any body issues but a comment like that makes me sound like I don't know how to dress appropriately. However it wouldn't bother me enough to comment but I would just shut it down with a "No I am fine thanks"

"They’re not being a dick. They’re making conversation.

You have your own body issues which you have chosen not to do anything about in your lifetime.

Therefore you have to deal with what you think are insensitive, rude comments (they’re not, you’re just insecure and instead of reflecting on yourself you’re trying to make it someone else’s problem)."

Really? in what way is this not excusing the commenter and blaming the person who is anniyed by the comment?

Exactly this it isn't just friends and family it's also random strangers and when your hearing it 5 times a day its hard.

For me, I’m not self-conscious, more annoyed about the questions and comments asked that follow my reason.

I have brown skin and people who ask such questions make it out as if I can’t suffer from the heat or the sun, say never heard such a thing happening, question why I wear spf, how can I not like the sun, etc. Just accept I know my own body and skin better than you.

All that needs to be said is, “that’s unfortunate” and leave it at that or not comment at all.

Op, YANBU!! Most people are not doing this maliciously but for some people the subtext is “won’t you be hot in that chubby? If you were slimmer you’d feel happier in shorts/short sleeves etc”.

Anyone who has never been heavier than a size 10 won’t get the nuance of this.

I don’t comment on appearance. I might say “I love your shoes” but I don’t comment on body size/shape or whether anyone has lost/gained weight etc.

I am also careful that if I’m with more than one person, saying “wow you look amazing” to one person makes it very obvious that you’re not complimenting the second person.

I have spent years and years listening to people praising the appearance of people I’m with and not saying anything to me (or, worse, a sympathy “and you look nice too”).

no-one had to tell teenage me that I wasn’t very pretty - the absence of compliments from friends parents, adults generally said it loud and clear.

I feel so strongly about this. I know several friends who are conventionally beautiful but have a sister who isn’t (or the other way around). It’s so hard. “The pretty one and the funny/clever one” eurgh. And not fair on either sister.

OP, I hear you. It is a thing. “Aren’t you hot in that” is so annoying and insensitive.

To everyone who thinks the OP has a massive chip on her shoulder, just don’t say it to someone who’s a bit bigger. Assuming their adults, they’ve dressed themselves the way they have for a reason

Too touchy.
They are only concerned. I'm sure we have all said to someone, won't you be hot in that. Will you be warm enough without a coat etc?
Chill out.
You should wear shorts if you want anyway.
Nobody's staring at you or judging. Who cares anyway?
Why should you be boiling hot and uncomfortable?

@PassingStranger lovely in theory. I’d feel about as comfortable in shorts as I would topless tbh. Oh, and people do stare and judge. All. The. Time.

And I don’t want to wear shorts. Because people stare. I want to wear jeans that I feel
comfortable in and no-one stares (that I’ve noticed). But I also don’t want to answer “aren’t you hot in that” because I don’t want to honestly say “yes? Boiling actually, but I’m too fat for shorts. Yes, I know I should feel comfortable and shorts come in my size but I feel like an elephant with huge calves and cankles. But thanks for asking.”

you are not my mother. I am not your child. I have never in my life made such a comment and "I an sure we have all said xxx" is self excusing.....and if no one is judging then why make the comment in the first place?