Son has changed his mind about class party - doesn't want to go

[VeryBusyDoingNothing]

Wwyd. Came out with an invitation weeks ago and he said he wanted to. Announced now he doesn't know the child very well and he doesn't want to go. Turns out none of his close friends are going either. Feel rude not going but feel I can't force him?

I don't guilt trip my kids, what I do is:

Make sure they are sure before I RSVP. Sometimes I might check with their friends parents first.

And then TBH I don't really treat it as an optional thing that's up for discussion, it's just what we are doing that day because that's what we agreed we were doing.

"I don't want to" "ah well, get your shoes on"

Same as I would if my kids were being a pain about getting out the door for a family event or school or the playground

People who take the attitude that they (or their children) can welch on the day if they feel like it should make this clear in their acceptance of the invitation.

So rather than saying "yes, we'd love to come" to the invitation, they should really say "yes, we'd love to come unless we get a better offer or I/my child can't be bothered on the day" or "we might turn up, we might not. Hope that's ok".

At least then the host is prepared for the fact that they view the invitation as optional and can invite other people or withdraw the invitation.

My DD was a child who occasionally bailed on social events. As a young teen she was diagnosed with OCD, social anxiety and separation anxiety. ASD also suspected but not diagnosed. She really tries very hard to be sociable but it's not easy for her. So I have always cut her slack on this kind of thing.
There's a world of difference between a child struggling socially and one who just can't be bothered. But at 6 it might look exactly the same as they might not be able to fully articulate why they don't want to go.
So DD (and me by extension) might look flaky yet miraculously she has not become a social pariah. She's popular and well liked and has an active social life (on her own terms).

I mean, of course you can force a 6yo, don't be silly!

I wouldn't entertain a discussion about it tbh, I'd expect him to go. At that age I wouldn't expect too much push back. He's likely to have fun when there and widen his friendship circle.

Yes, that's why he doesn't get to call the shots.

Same day, I'd make my kid go.

@SoreAndTired1
He's 6. Not 3. Although some posters are talking about his comprehension levels as though he is 3! 6 is old enough to understand that you don't let people down. If a dc is always unsure, don't accept or talk to host about what his "terms" are for attending. Usually a single dc like this won't matter but half a dozen doing it just isn't right.

This

Its a party, it’ll still be fun.

I agree he should go. X

The Venn diagram of posters who think it’s absolutely fine to renege on a social commitment because you can’t be arsed and those who complain they don’t have friends because they only let you down is a circle.

you get back what you put in, if you can’t be arsed with people don’t expect them to be arsed with you.

Yeah age six would be going. Kindness and all that.
⬆️ This

DS's birthday is in May. We invited the children in his "class" at nursery, most of whom were already 3 because of the way the room split worked. Most other children had already had a similar type of birthday, with similar number of children. Many had orgnaised "by head" activities that would have cost more than a flat fee for hiring a hall and bringing our own toys and food. Very few people had parties at home because very few people had big enough houses.

But yes, I suspect the fact that no one turned up was down to our unrealistic expectations, and nothing to do with the fact that we had an unexpectedly sunny day after a long period of rain and people wanted to go out for the day.

SN aside I want to bring up a decent caliber of person. I wouldn’t want to send a selfish flake out into the world who bails on other people and hurts their feelings on a whim.

Dh has a lovely friend who had been single for ages got an invite to a school friends wedding which she accepted. Then got an invite same day to another friends wedding which was nearer and a closer friend which she would far rather have attended. Being a decent well brought up girl she stuck by her first acceptance travelled miles to the school friends wedding - and met her lovely Dh there.

Why do parents think it’s ok to compel & cajole children to attend parties? A misplaced strangled notion of manners and oh it’s rude( not to attend (The English are obsessed by manners). If he doesn’t want to go, don’t go. Simple as that
Be prepared the other parent will justifiably be annoyed at last minute cancellation and cost incurred

This is exactly the scenario I’m talking about.
I’m really sorry you had that happen.
I just think that cancelling after you’ve agreed to come is a very shitty, selfish and unkind thing to do to small child.
Illness is the only acceptable excuse.
If you don’t want to go just say no in the first place.

If he doesn’t want to go, don’t go. Simple as that

I totally disagree with that approach. I’m not saying I’m right and you’re wrong - just shows people are different in how they approach things. I’d make mine go because in my view they are too small to understand social niceties and need guidance to develop that understanding and to appreciate fairness, commitment etc. I don’t think that would come later on unless they’ve been taught it consistently. I really hate flakiness so is something I enforce.

Sorry I would make them go - I tell the kids we don’t flake on commitments

Can’t believe it’s even a question, you committed to go and the parent will have accounted for that. Extra food, extra party bag… depending on entertainment they might even be paying per head. What sort of etiquette does it teach your son. I would tell him he has to go and you’re willing to stay with him the whole time plus he might make new friends there. No wonder they call us snowflake parents.

Yes I was very much like this. I had really bad separation anxiety and severe social anxiety. With all the best will in the world I would be determined to go but on the day, couldn't go through with it. Being made to feel bad for it made it far worse for me. When I felt like I had the ability to change my mind, I felt I had more control, and ironically was actually to go. People who think it's just flaking out really, really don't understand.

Why Force,drag,cajole an unhappy child to a party they don’t want to go to?
Signalling to your child they have no agency and must do what the adult forces them to
No I wouldn’t force it

Would you allow your child to say yes, cost a place and then decide they don't want to to go?

Are you flaky?

Yes, of course they do. We had a bouncy castle party in the local leisure centre for my DD’s 3rd birthday and about 15 of her nursery friends came along with her grandparents, cousins, and sibling.

Pretending not to understand my post and Provocative comment to elicit a response….tiresome. Try harder

@Zone2NorthLondon I understand your post perfectly, you're flaky and think it's ok!

It's not!

If you commit, you commit!

Or you grow up as one of those irritating flaky adults.....

He has to go, think of the other child, He needs to learn that