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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Holiday with parents

451 replies

Lastdayblues · 11/05/2024 11:28

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

OP posts:
Sunnnybunny72 · 11/05/2024 11:35

I kind of get it. All sounds a bit enmeshed. However he's happy to take the free childcare and renovations so unfortunately you are both going to be so beholden, particularly as your parents age).
This is just the beginning.

Lastdayblues · 11/05/2024 11:37

Sorry should have said;

YABU: that’s too much time to spend with GPs and it will affect your relationship with DS

YANBU: it’s normal to see GPs every day whilst on holiday and the few hours described is not damaging

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 11/05/2024 11:39

So why isn't your DP proactive in spending time with your son. Take him out in the morning, take him somewhere after lunch?

Octavia64 · 11/05/2024 11:40

It is a lot of time with grandparents.

However if they are giving you free childcare because you can't afford nursery, and your DF is helping renovate your house

Then beggars can't be choosers.

Your DH may be feeling upset he can't provide for his family but that is on him.

Maybe he would prefer to be a stay at home dad?

Lastdayblues · 11/05/2024 11:43

Sunnnybunny72 · 11/05/2024 11:35

I kind of get it. All sounds a bit enmeshed. However he's happy to take the free childcare and renovations so unfortunately you are both going to be so beholden, particularly as your parents age).
This is just the beginning.

we are super close and I get that might be odd for him, but they are the kindest people and really try not to get too involved (although obsessed with their grandson). To be honest I expected them to want to be with us most of the day but they have not come to us at all until we go see them about 2pm for half hour to an hour.

They desperately don’t want us to be beholden to us and say that all the time. They only want us to see them on our terms and they have kept to that on holiday.

I honestly don’t know how we could see them less when we’re literally in the same resort? Am I supposed to walk past them to go to the pool or blank them at dinner? (Genuinely asking what am I supposed to do).

OP posts:
Usernamewassavedsuccessfully · 11/05/2024 11:43

I'm on the fence. Your parents sound very involved and you see them a huge amount, which clearly you love but he does not (I'm with him in this one). I can see why he would get a bit pissed off with them being part of his every day life and his holidays. I suggest your next holiday is you 3 only.

TheMuskratOfDestiny · 11/05/2024 11:43

Your partner is being really weird op.

thanKyouaIMee · 11/05/2024 11:44

It's a lot of time with them - but it seems like they're providing lots of free childcare and labour, so it seems to be because of this that they're around a lot rather than anything else. Also paying for the full holiday!

If they're not seeing you until 2pm each day that's half the day your DP can spend with your child bonding.

Your DP needs to reframe and work on his jealousy. He can be involved and playing with his child, it sounds like he's off sulking and pouting about it. Why on earth would he think his son won't love him as much because he doesn't have grandparents on his side? That's not normal thinking and such a manipulative thing to say.

Ponoka7 · 11/05/2024 11:45

I think that you should have both carved out more time together, or as a three. I say that as someone who is my DD's five-day-a-week childcare. We've always done family holidays, but have time away from each other. It doesn't matter what posters think, you need to listen to him and talk about it.

Randomlygeneratedname · 11/05/2024 11:45

I don't get this, we holiday with my parents and of course see them everyday when there! Why can't dp play in the pool with his son with your parents around? That's weirder to me. Yanbu.

Lastdayblues · 11/05/2024 11:47

Usernamewassavedsuccessfully · 11/05/2024 11:43

I'm on the fence. Your parents sound very involved and you see them a huge amount, which clearly you love but he does not (I'm with him in this one). I can see why he would get a bit pissed off with them being part of his every day life and his holidays. I suggest your next holiday is you 3 only.

Ye definitely very involved. What upsets me so much is he actually really loves them too, he used to be the one to say “shall we stop to see your parents” on way back from work. But since having DS he is just so jealous. Last night he was really enjoying but he has woken up this morning furious that I let my parents hold him for about twenty minutes before it was time for his food.

Would love a holiday just us three, but we can’t afford it. My parents offered us to come with them as we haven’t been for many years.

OP posts:
Brainded · 11/05/2024 11:47

I can see your dp’s point to be honest @Lastdayblues although they sound lovely and they are your parents and you love them, you gave to remember they are not his parents and he won’t love them like you do and he married YOU not them. It’s too much…listen to what he is trying to say.

Remagirl · 11/05/2024 11:47

Your little one won't have his grandparents forever and as he gets older he'll want to spend less time with them. Is your hubby incapable of joining in and acting like part of the family. He sounds like a spoiled child tbh x

mynameiscalypso · 11/05/2024 11:48

We go on holiday every year to my family's holiday home. My parents are usually there (as sometimes are by brother and his family). They do loads with DS. DH spends a lot of time lying on a deckchair reading and napping (mainly the latter). Everyone's happy! We have gone on holiday by ourselves but much prefer to go with my parents.

Ponoka7 · 11/05/2024 11:48

@Lastdayblues would they not have taken your DS so you two could eat together?

Ponoka7 · 11/05/2024 11:49

Lastdayblues · 11/05/2024 11:47

Ye definitely very involved. What upsets me so much is he actually really loves them too, he used to be the one to say “shall we stop to see your parents” on way back from work. But since having DS he is just so jealous. Last night he was really enjoying but he has woken up this morning furious that I let my parents hold him for about twenty minutes before it was time for his food.

Would love a holiday just us three, but we can’t afford it. My parents offered us to come with them as we haven’t been for many years.

Did he want to hold him, instead?

Lastdayblues · 11/05/2024 11:49

Randomlygeneratedname · 11/05/2024 11:45

I don't get this, we holiday with my parents and of course see them everyday when there! Why can't dp play in the pool with his son with your parents around? That's weirder to me. Yanbu.

yes DP is there as well and is getting involved playing but he sees my parents also being there as “not normal” and taking away his time.

OP posts:
OnehundredStars · 11/05/2024 11:49

You wouldn’t have a holiday or hold down your jobs only for them but it’s very very emershed. it’s quite sad really that he feels trapped but your parents do sound nice.

milesmachine · 11/05/2024 11:51

Randomlygeneratedname · 11/05/2024 11:45

I don't get this, we holiday with my parents and of course see them everyday when there! Why can't dp play in the pool with his son with your parents around? That's weirder to me. Yanbu.

Agree with this

I actually disagree with most posters and think your DP is being very unreasonable

It sounds like they are supportive, both in their time and financially but are also conscious of giving you all space as a family

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/05/2024 11:53

So he has your son from 6.30 am until 2 pm.

Why can’t he play with him in the pool then? Routines can slide on holiday.

Searchingforthelight · 11/05/2024 11:53

It sure sounds like there are 5 of you in the family, rather than you guys being a family of 3. Would you be happy seeing your husbands parents every day and then holidaying with them too?
I’d run a mile from such a situation.
your husband sounds very unhappy with the set up, so something has to change.

UneTasse · 11/05/2024 11:55

I would be ashamed of myself if I went on a free holiday with my partner’s family and then told my partner that it was “fucking weird” to interact with said family for one hour in the afternoon and then a quick early dinner in the evenings. Especially when these people are providing me with free childcare and renovating my house for me.

Christ almighty.

If your partner didn’t want any financial or practical help from anyone in life, maybe he should have made different life choices. He wants a lifestyle he can’t afford, and is then obnoxious to the people bending over backwards to help him have it.

Leave him and let him enjoy what life without your lovely family at his beck and call feels like. It sounds like your parents would absolutely have your back.

pinkyredrose · 11/05/2024 11:55

Your 'D'P is a twat. Sounds like you've got 2 children.

pinkyredrose · 11/05/2024 11:57

Does your partner work? Just wondering why money is so tight if you both work and have free childcare.

bogbabe · 11/05/2024 11:58

Your parents sound generous and sensitive.
Is he stressed about other things too? this is a serious overreaction.

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