WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

[CoCoaButter85]

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

Not read the whole thread but I have stage 3 grade 3 cancer...it's scary,. I got angry, terrified, grieved the loss of the life I had, depressed etc. I'm not saying you have to accept the behaviour but you do have to understand that this has dramatically changed his life. If you walked away (not saying you're going to) then effectively you don't have to deal with it. He can't walk away. The treatment may cure the cancer, it won't cure the mental impact. You need to get him to seek an oncopsychologist. They specialise in this. Also the cancer survivors handbook is good.
The rage and stuff he is doing is clearly a mental breakdown, you're not safe he's not safe and you both need help. You to protect yourself and him to become stable. You can also call for a psych hold for him. He will get treatment for both his mental health and his cancer treatment.

@CoCoaButter85 I’ve just read the whole thread and to be honest I’m shocked at your lack of self-preservation despite saying at 3.15pm

I am afraid to speak on the phone now so he doesn't come into my office (he's currently running around downstairs with a baseball bat)

I don't think it would be safe for me to go downstairs nor to talk on the phone at the moment. In our house you can hear everything (it's not even that I can go to the bathroom easily because he will hear it and will come after me

You decided to ignore all the recommendations to get help, saying
I take into consideration everything that has been said but I really prefer to leave at night/early hours in the morning when he cannot hear me. And if comes to worst will simply call police to help me get out of here.

Riight. You’d rather take a huge risk than contact the very people whose role it is to protect and serve the public? And you think they could get to you in time should he suddenly kick off and aim his aggression at you rather than just furniture and cars?! With the best will in the world, how long do you think it would take help to arrive in an emergency situation where he really loses it and comes at you with a baseball bat for daring to leave him?

Finally, at 5pm you decide to do something. But not because of your safety, but because of the fucking car?! But even then, instead of getting help you take a huge risk, potentially putting you in harm’s way and make your escape

I'm few blocks away but still terrified he can come and find me.
And go on to say “
He switched off our indoor cameras so I even can't tell when the safe time to come in get my things is. It might have to be police helping me after all”
You were still considering going back for your stuff!

You’d asked earlier if you called ambulance/police would they actually do anything at all? Yes of course they fucking would! If you called 999 and explained the situation (or text a friend so they could) they would be with you ASAP and would likely take him away and get him the MH treatment he needed. Hopefully it would’ve served as a wake-up call to him that he has to sort himself out and that his behaviour is unacceptable. It would also have meant you were safe and could carefully pack your things and go. This could all have happened before 4pm, and not involved sitting in the car shitting yourself and considering making some very poor choices. Missed opportunity for him and huge risks from you.
And yes, I know people will tell me I'm unreasonable to say all this and that it takes abused women x number of attempts to leave etc, but I just want to give OP's head a wobble

Hell now be angry at you. Don’t underestimate what he’ll be capable of.

OP he is a very, very dangerous man. Imagine if you have a child and he goes off like this, smashing up thing around your child/ren, and the poor kids are huddled in a wardrobe, shaking and hiding from their dad.

You CAN'T have children with him. He is NOT father material. You need to get a divorce. He will not change. Don't accept that from him when he snaps out of this, 'I'll change' bs. He WONT. And you know it. There will be something again. A relapse of cancer. Stress. Something. Anything. And it will start again. It would be morally abhorrent and irresponsible of you to bring an innocent child into this.

You need to divorce. He will not ever change. And, you can't take that risk.

Yes, in Australia where I am, if someone is a danger to themselves and/or others during a mental health crisis, ambulance will come and take them straight to hospital. It may be different in the UK or where the OP is. But if someone is walking around with a baseball bat and threatening to smash up cars, ambulance and police are called to contain the situation and have the person admitted.

It is, but the key difference is that it's never turned into abuse of me or anyone else and I have never for one moment felt unsafe in my own home. The baseball bat scenario is terrifying and he does sound a serious danger to you.

This man needs help and support, but you are not the one under obligation to provide it. Keep yourself safe.

It's the same here, the emergency services can take someone to a place of safety and hold them for different lengths of time depending on which part if the mental health act they use. It was silly to go back to the house alone if this is what happened.

Nothing excuses his behaviour. But some posters are very dismissive of the effect of this surgery on a man especially only in his 40s.
if the cancer is confined to the prostate then by all accounts it can be removed and the chances are high that it won’t come back.
But : no more sperm produced. Very likely to have problems with erections and possibility of not coming back. Incontinence in some form.
The surgeon is always over the moon that they have removed the cancer and yes he will live a normal life span. But the side effects you are left with can be serious.
he will also have a catheter for at least a week after op.

But none of this excuses his behaviour

Emergency services will indeed take people to a place of safety but they won't be assessed if they are drunk as intoxication with alcohol has such a marked impact on MSE

They'll likely be sent away to sober up - generally in police custody - and then assessed

Yes, so what happens now, he just gets drunk and smashes up the house and no one is there to witness it or call the emergency services, can he get a welfare check. Its a shame the police weren't called when it all kicked off.

I can’t add much, as have got a bit triggered by this.

All I can add is dont consider any sperm freezing - he is under 50, so there might possibly be a genetic aspect to it.

Oh dear, OP. Hope you had a descent sleep and wish you all the strenghht to come out of this situation. I am sure you have got lots of advice from this thread that will help you. Will be thinking of you and wish you come safely on the other end.

LaBorde makes a good point. It’s unfashionable to mention genetic factors and behaviour, but think very carefully about having children with this man. You might be better off going to a sperm bank, I know that sounds stark and might be seen as less socially desirable, but he really isn’t father material.

You can't think of having a child while your own situation is so difficult - you need a safe place to live. It's not clear how you could ever feel quite safe living with this man. See previous advice posted on here.

I’m glad you are safe OP & I hope that he has calmed today. He behaved dreadfully and I wouldn’t be able to move on from it.

The misconceptions around prostate cancer though are so frustrating and I believe limit younger men from getting the support they need. Not to mention the overwhelming amount of support is aimed towards older men.
My late DH died from prostate cancer in his 50’s & apart from the actual trauma of having cancer & the treatment side affects, the dismissive attitude of some people around him & assumption that it was nothing only added to his distress as he felt he silenced. I’ve often felt like screaming at the injustice of being a widow in my 40’s when all around had been saying ‘it’s just prostate cancer’. Infuriating!
Saying that he never behaved as your H has done, when DH raged about the unfairness of his diagnosis I never once felt unsafe, unloved or alone & neither should you.
Do take care of yourself.

Wow OP just wow, you need to get out of there permanently. None of this is normal or acceptable, including your reaction to it.
Swinging a baseball bat and throwing shit on neighbours cars. He is a danger to himself and others. Imagine if you has kids present when this was happening.

@Diangled am so sorry to hear that.

I hope your husband gets the help he needs soon. It sounds very scary and I would also be petrified, yet feel sad for him.

You need to protect yourself right now and it looks like you are doing just that. I'm glad you are safe.

Your NVDH does not have the right to hurt others just because he feels hurt.

I hope both of our husbands get through all of this and end up completely cancer free after the surgery. I'll keep you and your husband in my thoughts and wish you the best.

Edited off after reading full thread properly - all the very best and I hope you'll find peace away from him.

In addition there are the concerns about genetic material, it is thought that alcoholism may have genetic links and mental health issues also seem to.
This is not the gene selection I would pick for a child.

Please don't have a child with this man.
He's violent, unstable, verbally abusive, destructive, scornful of you, threatening others, destructive of neighbours property.

Yes, he's terrified right now.
But plenty of people manage to navigate their way through this without becoming a danger to their partners.

And imagine - he'd be in his fifties if you did have a child. The stress of a pregnancy and birth, screaming baby, sleepless nights, demanding toddler, stroppy teen. Quite apart from the possible genetic issue, he hasn't developed the emotional intelligence or resilience to cope. He's not father material.

You're so enmeshed in this ghastly situation you stayed, as so many women do. It was awful reading your descriptions of what he was doing to you. Please get help for yourself. And don't inflict that decision on a helpless child.

ED used to be almost inevitable after prostate surgery, but the techniques are much better now and the chances are good that he could be fine afterwards, although the surgeons will not promise anything, it's a very delicate operation. The alternative is he could have radiation treatment that just zaps the cancer but there are other problems with that and it means you probably can't use radiation therapy again if the cancer comes back. If he's really that terrified of ED he might want to consider radiation therapy instead.

I’ve just received a breast cancer diagnosis. It’s a shock and the world doesn’t look the same any more. To most people, cancer is something that happens to somebody else and it’s very difficult to accept the diagnosis and come to terms with it - it’s an absolute roller coaster of different feelings and emotions. But that does not give him the right to treat you the way he is - he’s seeing it as a reason to dish out abuse, My only advice is to try to get him when he’s sober and explain to him that you’re willing to stand by him through this, but you’re not taking abuse, and if it doesn’t stop you’re leaving. And mean it.

My dad has just been diagnosed with this, although he is 88. I was talking about this in a private room in my wax salon on Wednesday and the beautician told me that her dad had it but it was discovered a bit later He is in his 70s and has to take female hormones to lower his testosterone. I didnt ask (after all its her dad) but its not hard to work out his sex life is likely over.

@CoCoaButter85 my theory is he is also scared you will do what a lot of MEN do when their wives/girlfriends have cancer which is leave. Its well known that more men leave in this situation than women do when its vice versa. Especially when love life is affected. Ironically his violent behaviour which there is no excuse for may well make this a self fulfilling prophecy

It really sounds as if you are in denial. Honestly it would be better all round if he were sectioned. You'd be safe, he'd get the professional help he needs