WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

[CoCoaButter85]

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

He does take medication but I think at the moment given the extreme alcohol he has stopped taking it. Unless he stops drinking, there's no way to help him

What's he been diagnosed with? Or what type of medication is he on?

This. He’s an abusive asshole OP. Sorry. Millions of people with cancer diagnoses do not choose to behave this way. It is not an excuse. Get yourself out of his orbit, to safety. You’re not his emotional punchbag.

please be very careful and don’t take any risks with your own safety

Can't sleep now. I feel physically calm but my head just wouldn't switch off. I suppose no surprise. At least I'm comfortable and don't need to listen to every sound and be terrified x

I don't think you'll manage it this time but use what you can to shore up your defences for the future.

OP, try to get some rest, you need a clear head tomorrow. I am post-surgical and have serious insomnia as a result so I’m up for a bit if you want to continue a chat on here xx

@YaMuvva - what was the surgery for? Hopefully you are not in pain.

I do listen to Get Sleepy on YouTube. It usually helps me to switch off eventually. They just read stories for adults. I don't think it will help me tonight but will give it a go

I’ve had a hysterectomy, I’m in more pain than I thought I was going to be but I’ve been prescribed some very strong painkillers, they somehow keep me awake though!

I may try that channel, I hate not being able to sleep.

don’t think about a plan or anything tonight, just think about sleep and then make a plan.

How are you for support? You said you’re DH’s only family but is he your only support?

Have a long bath and a warm cup of tea. Focus on your breathing when the lights are out.

You need to stop focusing on him and save yourself instead.

Get a therapist who will help you disengage, end your codependency, and carve out a life for yourself away from him.

Don't call his psychiatrist.

That's not your responsibility.

He isn't asking for help, he is abusing you. You might love him because he's your husband, but you need to stop doing nice and caring things for someone who is not nice and caring to you, even if they're having a shit time of it.

He is a grown man. He needs to call his own psychiatrist. You need to call women's aid and IDAS.

Hi @CoCoaButter85 You are not responsible for his physical or mental health. He is.
He is also currently affecting your own physical and mental safety at the moment and you ARE responsible for this.
From what you have described, this man has a history of using stressors as an excuse to drown himself in drink and act out in an aggressive/violent fashion. He also takes no responsibility for his behaviour or it’s affects on others. The only likely way this will change is if you leave him to deal with the consequences himself.
To reiterate, his cancer is bad, but it’s an excuse he is using to behave like an aggressive toddler at the moment.
He will not change.
You can’t fix this.
Save yourself.

Someone needs to call his psychiatrist if he's possibly having a mental breakdown though.

Leaving the abusive behaviour out of it for a second because even the most sane people are capable of abuse, this man is out emptying the contents of their veggie bin onto the neighbours cars, that's completely bizarre behaviour, which could escalate further. He's deliberately trying to provoke them.

You can't just not report stuff like that to the mental health professionals. I'm in Ireland and in recent years there's been several incidents of people killing neighbours while in psychosis etc, some were cannabis induced. I believe there can be an alcohol induced psychosis too.

Ideally the police would take responsibility for the OPs/neighbours and this mans welfare but I would imagine they won't bother unless they are called again, presumably they think it's all fine now seeing as he was asleep when they got there. But someone will need to report his escalating behaviour.

Unfortunately in one of the Irish cases the husband phoned his wifes psychiatric clinic the day before she had an appointment about her escalating behaviour and they agreed to wait until the planned appointment before they saw her and she went out and killed a man in her estate the next morning.

I am afraid you are still minimising this- ‘if only he wasn’t drinking’- he is drinking, because this is who he is. He doesn’t really want to change. as others have said, he’s seen the cancer diagnosis a a great reason- ha, I can drink, I can do and say whatever the fuck I want. I always want to be like this, I sort of know other people won’t accept it. But I want to, so as soon as I can find a good enough reason i will.’ You cannot have children with him, and you cannot be in a relationship with him. Do not be there for his cancer recovery. It’s a low severity cancer many people have and get through fine, he will have to find a way to manage without you. You don’t owe him. You owe yourself to stay away. You owe your chance at a family to move on not stay enmeshed with him.

My mum has had cancer twice and my dad has terminal cancer. They have been upset, angry and a whole mix of emotions but not once have they been abusive. His behaviour is a choice. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Thank you. My DH is facing the same thing as OP's NVDH. He has not behaved like OP's NVDH at all. His surgery will be at the end of the month and he knows I have his back, no matter what. It is scary as heck and I hope this operation is the end of the cancer. DH is my best friend and sidekick in shenanigans.

I hope your long term treatment is helping you and to me, you sound incredibly brave. Cancer sucks, and I've lost too many family members from it. 😭

Poor man. It’s not death or nothing. The side affects of treating or operating on that area and the effects created have psychological ramifications. It’s not talked about for men though.

But yes agree violence and verbal abuse uncalled for.

@Nanaof1 - good luck to you guys as well. It's really difficult place to be. And the prospect of post operation recovery is scary. I can see how he came to feeling the way he does. But cannot excuse his behavior for it.

@Tulipj - surprisingly there is very little information out there about ED problems. Which naturally is his major concern. He feels that clock is ticking for him. Which is true in a way. We should now be stronger than ever to help him get through this. It's horrible situation to be in.

@CoCoaButter85 it might also be useful to update your GP about what's been happening with your partner so that when/if he is either arrested or detained under the MHA the information is readily available to other professionals who may become involved

Tho' any assessment of his underlying mental state won't be possible whilst he's intoxicated

Honestly you cannot have a child with this man. If he is going to drink and smash things up whenever he's stressed, you're going to have one fucked up kid. You can do so much better. Make plans to leave him, you deserve so.much better.

^ this.

By the way, I know a couple of men, both diagnosed with prostate cancer (and one an aggressive variant on pathology), who lived well into their 90s.

ED is his primary concern?

Don't get stuck with this wanker!

Many apologies, just read through all your posts.

Blimey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well done for getting out. Please be careful about further exposure to this stupidly dangerous man. Try to switch off the bits of you that agonise over his welfare. He is an adult, he can look after himself better than this... or choose not to.

Hope you find a more tranquil settled life soon

I'm so glad you got out and don't go back alone under any circumstances! I had a previous relationship years ago like this only this guy was using pills I didn't know anything about. Got into a fight over it one morning once I started to suspect. He started breaking things so I left and went to a hotel. He sent dozens of texts apologizing asking me to come home. I refused. Later that night a friend text me and said the guy was posting pictures on social media with a shotgun to his face saying how he was going to kill himself. His mother called the police and he was checked into a MH facility. I took that time to collect my belongings and move hundreds of miles away and never looked back. I've always wondered what would have happened if I had gone back home that night. He didn't own a gun and had gone out and bought it that same day with money he'd stolen from my purse before I had left. I'm sharing this because I just don't want something similar to happen with you. People do crazy things when they're desperate and under the influence. I'd also be pretty furious that the police didn't show up when he's drunk breaking things and starting fights with neighbors. Good luck op we're all worried for you!