WWYD - husband loosing his grip on things after cancer diagnosis

[CoCoaButter85]

So husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer and having an operation in a month's time. He is late 40's I'm late 30's. As unfortunate as it is, I thought we discussed, we cried and I thought we were at the place where things were fine.

However, he completely started loosing his mind. Drinking himself into coma, smashed the chair around the house breaking it as well as damaging the floor and just making mess all over While all this time shouting and swearing. He's not engaging with me, responds in swear words. He had similar things happened to him in the past, went and found help and was coping really well until now.

To make matters even worse. He was supposed to do sperm freezing and we are due to have egg collection late next week. I have no idea if any of this is going to happen. I'm certainly going ahead with the treatment and freeze my own eggs if hr doesn't get a grip by then.

I just don't know what to do. Trying to talk to him is pointless. I just keep on carrying on with work and having some sort of normality as all he does just drinks and screams abuse after (not at me, just to the world in general)

Him hitting the bed with a bat is very disturbing - it's a proxy for your relationship / you. It's like men who punch the wall by their partner's head, and then one day it's her. Please do not later minimise what he has done today, however awful it is to face it (I am not saying you are minimising it now, but it sometimes happens afterwards if/when they calm down and apologise). And WELL DONE for leaving the house and looking after yourself. I am sending you all my best wishes.

How awful. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I echo wait for the police.

It has been detected early, he will be treated. My poor Dad was diagnosed too late, it had spread to stage 4 cancer and he didn't act like this. He embraced life, pushed himself to be a part of all family activities. Of course your DP will be scared and angry but does need to realise he's actually very lucky to have surgery and go back to a normal life. Xx

Please PLEASE do not go back.

There is nothing you need that cannot be replaced, except your life. And that would seriously be at risk. He is mad as hell that you took the car, go back and you will be the next thing he attacks.

Your life is worth more than clothes or stuff or money.

You say that there are a lot of hotels locally, go to one and check in. FFS woman, keep yourself alive first, nothing else is as important as that. How much use will a work laptop be at your funeral?

Sorry to sound dramatic but that really is the level of danger you would be in if you go back to a hateful drunk violent man who thinks nothing of brandishing a baseball bat.

I suggest you read the whole thread.

@CoCoaButter85 Whereabours in the country are you? Maybe some of us are in the same area and we can help you with clothes, somewhere to wait until the police come etc

It sounds like he is in crisis and needs mental health crisis intervention.

If he was doing well pre the cancer diagnosis with his alcoholism then seemingly the diagnoses has increased his anxiety / mental health issues which are now being exacerbated further by the drinking.

Everyone is right about not going in there alone OP, he does need professional help and support at this point.

This.

My DM who is a very frail woman now had a severe mental health crisis that I believe was caused by alcohol or at least worsened it became very strong and very dangerous during her breakdown. Don't go back alone.

You say he has mental health issues, it sounds like whatever is going on whether it's alcohol, mental health issues or whatever, he is dangerous. He needs professional help so please don't go back alone.

@CoCoaButter85 Did you give the police your home address?

I cant help wonder if one of the emergencies may be that your neighbours called them too about him.

Lets hope so.

Keep safe xx

Edited

Have you actually read the OP's posts about his violent and threatening behaviour today? And how she's waiting for the police to escort her back to the house so she can safely get her belongings?

Hope you’re ok OP.

Don't go back to the house. He may be waiting for you.

Wait until tomorrow.
Call police again tomorrow
Hotel tonight.

I really hope you are in a hotel right now.

I am in the hotel right now. I was waiting for police for ages and decided to go and see what is going on. Managed to get in, pack essentials, work laptop. Enough to get me through next week at least. He was asleep all that time. Police came to the house. I chatted to them and then went together with them to the local hotel.

That was really dangerous and foolish. Your posts come across as strangely blasé, if this is genuine.

Good to know you’re safe and don’t have to go back any time soon.

@Dymaxion - he is very much afraid of all the possible side effects. And just not dealing very well processing it what is potentially to come. I understand him.. it is horrible place to be. But that is not excuse for his behavior during the last 2 days x

@SerafinasGoose - thank you for sharing your experience. When you put it like that it does sound like a terrifying prospect.

I'll just take a day at the time. Currently I'm safe. Will have some good sleep and will plan what to do next tomorrow.

Thank you everyone again for supporting me through this.

A great big warm hand hold to you OP.

I am going through something not dissimilar to your DH and whilst it’s scary as hell and I needed a lot of time to gather my thoughts, his behaviour is totally inexcusable. It’s very hard on partners when their loved ones going through illnesses, I’ve been there and now my DH is there, but his behaviour is toxic and unacceptable and you absolutely mustn’t think yourself the bad guy for not tolerating it.

Do let us know how you get on xx

How on earth are his coping skills so bad that he resorts to this after 6 months of therapy?
Most people wouldn't respond like that even if they weren't great with coping with stress and hadn't had any therapy at all.

Are there any other factors at play like in his childhood or something because that is really wild....the whole smashing up the place to show his pain is a real teenage/very young male adult thing in my experience, not something that a man in his 40s would do even if they are stressed/depressed/sick or drunk or a combination of all of them.

Reminds me of something my ex did when he was 17.

Of course if it's legitimately a massive breakdown he might not be in control of himself right now and that's an explanation and he needs immediate help to keep him and others safe but you make it sound like he's always a bit like this, and that it's just escalated.

Has he ever previously had a traumatic brain injury?

youve done the right thing calling the police and booking yourself into a hotel. The priority is your safety and calling the crisis team tomorrow first thing. If you return to the house, ensure the police are with you. If he has any family update them by email. Talk to your own friends and family.

This is an extreme reaction to his diagnosis. Has he BPD? Or other diagnosis? Any medication for his mental health?

if he is on existing medication through a psychiatrist, he needs an urgent medication review.

He went through a similar thing about a year ago. Far from being this extreme. At no point did I feel unsafe. But he was suffering himself a lot. I should contact his psychologist and try to arrange an urgent follow up.

We spoke about his MH and if we need to look into any support but he said he is ok.

I think he's just drinking himself out of his mind. If he wasn't drinking I'm sure he would cope better.

Psychiatrist*