Not to loan my friend 2k

[HelpAGirlOut1234]

I need help. Feel like I’ve been put in a really awkward situation and o don’t know what to do.

I have a best friend, Jane. We have been best friends for 12 or so years and have been there for each other through thick and thin. For context she is living by herself with no children but has a BF of nearly 5 years, I am a single Mum to 1 teenager.

Jane started a WFH job about 1.5years ago and has had nothing but trouble with it. The job is great imo, comes with a good salary and amazing benefits and they have been unbelievably good to her. I also have a good job, making more than Jane by maybe 15k but don’t have the same additional benefits.

Her mental health has deteriorated during the course of this role and I personally don’t think that WFH full time suits her. She started asking me for money about a year ago, there was a period where it was between 200 and 500 every month for about 5 months. She always paid it back the following month but I just didn’t understand where her money was going. Except going on holidays, dinners out etc with a well paid BF who I think she’s trying to keep up with.

She eventually came clean with me last year that she wasn’t logging in for work on a regular basis. There is flexitime, unpaid leave and last minute holidays available in her role so she was just calling in last minute, sometimes for up to a week and just staying in bed from what I can tell so she needed the money to make up with loss in salary every month. I eventually told her one month that I couldn’t help, that things were tight for me and the requests stopped.

She has sought some help with her MH, has been taking various antidepressants. I’ve been there for her without question to help with all of this. One thing I have encouraged her to do is to speak to her BF as she hasn’t told him about any of this. He would text her or call to the house asking how her day was and she would respond as though she has been working all day. I really don’t agree with this, I think it’s not fair on him to keep this from him but it’s not my place to make a deal out of this. All I know is that if a partner of mine was lying to me like this, I wouldn’t want to be with them. But again, not my place.

I’m just back from holidays with my son, a holiday I saved for all year. The day before I left she sent me a long text essentially asking for a loan of 2k which she will pay back in instalments. Apparently her work has been topping up her wages when she has again not been logging in and now their policy has changed and she need to pay this back so will lose 2 months wages.

She said she went to the bank for a loan but that they refused saying she would need 6 months of full payslips. She said she can’t ask her partner as he’s currently building a house and his outgoings are monitored for mortgage.

I have serious issues with all of this:

◦	Why was I fronting her money last year if her wages were being topped up? How was she broke then? 
◦	How can a company just change their policy so quickly and stop all of her wages for 2 months. 
◦	Surely if they were topping up her wages, then she HAS 6 months of full payslips?
◦	I seriously doubt her BF bank is monitoring his outgoings that much when the mortgage has already been approved. He also earns a 6 figure salary. I believe she just doesn’t want to come clean to him. 
◦	I’m a single mother and have been for over 10 years. I have raised a child on far less than she’s being paid without maintenance payments. Where is her money going? 
◦	To ask me the day before my holiday for this loan and then to follow up with me when I was on holiday this week I felt was a shitty thing to do.
◦	She has had disciplinary action taken at work due to her absences and I’m not 100% sure how secure her job, or ability to pay me back is. 
◦	She had a payout of 70k about 4 years ago from an accident. She was very generous and spent about 1k taking me on a holiday with another friend, but I recently found out that all of that money is now gone, with nothing to show for it. 

I love this woman so much, I really do. And technically I have the money that I could give to her but none of this is sitting right with me and I hate the position that I’m now in. I feel if I say yes, I’m just bailing her out and there’s a chance she may not be able to pay me back. If I say no, I feel it could damage a friendship that I really really value so much.

How do I handle this? Am I being a bitch, should I just give her the money?

It sounds like you have a lovely friendship and life can get complicated for many reasons. She took you away when she could because she values you.

Could you offer to lend her £1k? Say that's the only disposable money you have right now? Sorry you can't help more?

I know it's not ideal, but it might save the friendship but also force her to come clean to BF or something to find the rest?

What the fuck, don’t do this!!

What about something like this?

It’s been a pretty hectic holiday so not had huge amounts of time love but I honestly don’t think I’m going to be able to help. Summer is going to be super expensive with all the outgoings I mentioned and on top of that, I have to go private for a scope in the next few months too which will be another 1k without any of the further procedures that might be needed. Then there’s back to school and all that brings…

I really think you should talk to BF. They’re really not going to be monitoring his outgoings that much with the mortgage. If it’s been approved, they’ve looked at historical stuff. I know you might not want to tell him the extent of what’s been happening but this could be a good opportunity to get it out in the open and get his support.

If I can help in other ways, like with budgeting, talking to the bank, food shopping, please let me know x

The 1K was for three people going on holiday together (Including the giver) not a wad of cash for OP to spend on herself, and it was a gift. OP and her friend bought her a gift as a thank you.

Sounds like she's frittered 70K away, probably a lot more, so a bit extra to top isn't really helping her situation.

I think the bottom line is that you really don't want to lend her, for many entirely understandable reasons, so either way you will resent her if you feel forced to lend it. I also think there is a difference between having the money in your account, and actually being able to afford to just hand it over to your friend. That money is your savings, your safety net for yourself and your child, and for your child's future. Also not really what you were asking but withdrawing money from savings accounts often reduces your % interest on the rest of your savings.

I don't know your relationship so I can't speak to whether it will negatively affect the friendship if you say no, but I believe it will affect it more negatively if you DO lend her it and she can't pay it back.

I would, however, be inclined to have a serious chat with her about what is going on. She sounds depressed if she's taking so much time off work, given how frequently she has asked you for a loan there's clearly something deeper going on than just needing a quick one-off sub until pay day. I think that is the important thing here, because as you say, she is your friend and you love her.

"I have checked my situation and I can't give you a loan however I am happy to take a look and see if I can think of any ways that might help you to manage your finances in future"

OP categorically do not give her any money!

Keep it simple. Tell her lending money never ends well and you value her friendship too much.

You don't have to give a detailed explanation. Just say after reviewing your financial situation unfortunately you are unable to lend her any money. Don't get into a spiral of explaining why you you can't or what you need it for.

Alternatively you could say that with upcoming financial commitments you really cannot lend her that amount of money but could maybe scrape together 200 for her. Then if she pays you back all well and good but otherwise just be prepared to lose it.

That message is way too long. Don't give her things to pick at.

"I'm sorry, that won't be possible," is a complete sentence. You are not obliged to justify your position.

There's this as well, I know there's MH issues at play to some extent but she actually said to me recently she wasn't cut out to work full time... like WTAF? Does she think any of us are? Like we wouldn't prefer to be doing something else with our time? Like I wouldn't love to have not missed so much of my child growing up because I was working my ass off all the time?

The last 2 years have honestly changed her a little and it's so sad. I don't want to give up on the friendship yet when we have such good history and there's obviously MH issues going on though.

@HelpAGirlOut1234 i think that’s a good draft response!

I think it's a rubbish excuse. I suspect if she's going on holiday in July the balance is due now, or in the next week or so. She's not saved and now needs it.

if by a smidgen she is genuine, then she needs to cancel everything and recoup the money that way.

Id say you don't have it, I like the idea of saying you tied it into an account with no withdrawals without penalty etc.

I think you need to somehow say no clearly to the loan and kindly expressly that you’re worried about her.
Her story doesn’t add up so she’s lying to herself to an extent and seems incapable of changing the situation she’s in.

NC for this as I don't want my current circumstances linked to any other posts.

I am currently off work long term with stress and anxiety. It's debilitating. I don't recognise my former self and I don't think my friends would recognise the true me now. I haven't told a soul except my husband. I take the kids to school and nursery and then I come home and try and be positive and work on small goals (I am seeing a psychologist). My mum asks how work is and I lie. I can still put a mask on it and go to the pub and socialise but I have and big, ever present feeling of failure.

I don't think you should lend your friend the money, but I think there's an awful lot you can do to support her mental health struggles. The behaviours you are describing are horribly familiar to me. She needs help to find motivation, to understand spending her way out of things isn't the answer.

I'd remove the I dont think's.
Passive and open to wrangling.

Replace with "I can't help" and "You should talk to bf"
I wouldn't explain your finances further to her so strike the I have to pay for a private scope bit and school expenses etc - again leaves a window for wrangling.

I think if you leave space for negotiation it will be taken.

To clarify, the 1k is what I think she probably spent on my flight and portion of accommodation. It was long haul so the flight was about 700 on its own.

Agree with PP don't give her detailed explanations as she will just use the detail to find a route in.

Eg don't say its because you feel lied to, as then she will just say the truth (that she hates working and likes spending) and you'll feel obliged to give more.

Just say you can't or don't think its a good idea. And don't feel guilty about the friendship, she has put you in a bad position

Although tbf I wouldn't have ever accepted a £1k gift from anyone...so could always give her something but not 2k and don't expect to see it again

I understand you love her and want to help but please don’t be so quick to think she isn’t gambling or spending some other way.

Her overly complicated lies remind me of a family member who had run up huge debts and was trying to borrow. And did borrow. And she had an answer for everything. Similar to your friend’s story about her partner’s bank monitoring his spending. Or her employer suddenly changing things that means she has to pay them back. And the way she is apparently being topped up by them. A lot of this doesn’t make a lot,of sense.

It turned out my family member had conned a few of us out of money. We will never really know exactly what went on. There was some online bingo. Lots of shopping. Borrowing from one to pay another.

Essentially lots of lies which caught up with her and it all came crashing down. My relative s bipolar and was unmedicated at the time. Your friend’s issues with her mental health and the convoluted stories so remind me of what we went through.

Hell no. Who asks to borrow that much?!

All this lending isn’t helping her face reality.

No No No
neither a borrower or lender be
you friendship will go and you will never get it back
or
she will tap you for more
dont do it !

Can you use the famous MN phrase, 'so sorry, that doesn't work for me'. Then say that of course you'll be there for her for any non financial help. Keep it really simple.

I think your reply is good OP. And I get why you want to explain the details, you want to show her that there are "reasons" which are not her.
I think that's fine, a bit of a white lie for everyone to feel OK about the no.
The only risk is that she will come back and ask again, and you'll be dealing with this again. Now PP have suggested a harder line which solves that problem but you have to take the path that works for you.
Ultimately never lend what you can't afford to lose and you can't afford to give her 2k. You have commitments and a DC and no one to fall back on. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first

There's this as well, I know there's MH issues at play to some extent but she actually said to me recently she wasn't cut out to work full time... like WTAF? Does she think any of us are? Like we wouldn't prefer to be doing something else with our time? Like I wouldn't love to have not missed so much of my child growing up because I was working my ass off all the time?

interesting - as I said upthread it sounds like she’s trying to keep up with her bf and playing the long game. She probably hopes he’ll be her ticket out of working full-time so she doesn’t want to put a foot “wrong” financially before they’re married, and this is why she’d rather ask her friend than her bf which is unacceptable . She needs to be Honest with him.

If it was anyone else, I wouldn't have accepted it. But I supported her through the process of getting this payout, which was lengthy. I knew that it was sizeable but I didn't know until recently just how much it actually was, I'm totally shocked it's all gone with nothing saved for her future.

I'm really regretting ever accepting it to be honest because it's clouding my judgement here.