Not to loan my friend 2k

[HelpAGirlOut1234]

I need help. Feel like I’ve been put in a really awkward situation and o don’t know what to do.

I have a best friend, Jane. We have been best friends for 12 or so years and have been there for each other through thick and thin. For context she is living by herself with no children but has a BF of nearly 5 years, I am a single Mum to 1 teenager.

Jane started a WFH job about 1.5years ago and has had nothing but trouble with it. The job is great imo, comes with a good salary and amazing benefits and they have been unbelievably good to her. I also have a good job, making more than Jane by maybe 15k but don’t have the same additional benefits.

Her mental health has deteriorated during the course of this role and I personally don’t think that WFH full time suits her. She started asking me for money about a year ago, there was a period where it was between 200 and 500 every month for about 5 months. She always paid it back the following month but I just didn’t understand where her money was going. Except going on holidays, dinners out etc with a well paid BF who I think she’s trying to keep up with.

She eventually came clean with me last year that she wasn’t logging in for work on a regular basis. There is flexitime, unpaid leave and last minute holidays available in her role so she was just calling in last minute, sometimes for up to a week and just staying in bed from what I can tell so she needed the money to make up with loss in salary every month. I eventually told her one month that I couldn’t help, that things were tight for me and the requests stopped.

She has sought some help with her MH, has been taking various antidepressants. I’ve been there for her without question to help with all of this. One thing I have encouraged her to do is to speak to her BF as she hasn’t told him about any of this. He would text her or call to the house asking how her day was and she would respond as though she has been working all day. I really don’t agree with this, I think it’s not fair on him to keep this from him but it’s not my place to make a deal out of this. All I know is that if a partner of mine was lying to me like this, I wouldn’t want to be with them. But again, not my place.

I’m just back from holidays with my son, a holiday I saved for all year. The day before I left she sent me a long text essentially asking for a loan of 2k which she will pay back in instalments. Apparently her work has been topping up her wages when she has again not been logging in and now their policy has changed and she need to pay this back so will lose 2 months wages.

She said she went to the bank for a loan but that they refused saying she would need 6 months of full payslips. She said she can’t ask her partner as he’s currently building a house and his outgoings are monitored for mortgage.

I have serious issues with all of this:

◦	Why was I fronting her money last year if her wages were being topped up? How was she broke then? 
◦	How can a company just change their policy so quickly and stop all of her wages for 2 months. 
◦	Surely if they were topping up her wages, then she HAS 6 months of full payslips?
◦	I seriously doubt her BF bank is monitoring his outgoings that much when the mortgage has already been approved. He also earns a 6 figure salary. I believe she just doesn’t want to come clean to him. 
◦	I’m a single mother and have been for over 10 years. I have raised a child on far less than she’s being paid without maintenance payments. Where is her money going? 
◦	To ask me the day before my holiday for this loan and then to follow up with me when I was on holiday this week I felt was a shitty thing to do.
◦	She has had disciplinary action taken at work due to her absences and I’m not 100% sure how secure her job, or ability to pay me back is. 
◦	She had a payout of 70k about 4 years ago from an accident. She was very generous and spent about 1k taking me on a holiday with another friend, but I recently found out that all of that money is now gone, with nothing to show for it. 

I love this woman so much, I really do. And technically I have the money that I could give to her but none of this is sitting right with me and I hate the position that I’m now in. I feel if I say yes, I’m just bailing her out and there’s a chance she may not be able to pay me back. If I say no, I feel it could damage a friendship that I really really value so much.

How do I handle this? Am I being a bitch, should I just give her the money?

Just tell her that no you can’t lend her money anymore. Tell her that this is the last time she asks you for money because you will not be speaking to her ever again if she asks you for cash. If she continues to ask you then your friendship is over. Her circumstances are not your problem.

If its for the holiday she's lying to you. Holidays are a want not a need. It's really unkind to be pressuring someone for money so you can go on holidays with your boyfriend.

It could well be not working enough or trying to keep up with the boyfriend and I understand why you want to believe you know your friend so well it can't possible be some kind of addiction, but the truth is no one besides that person can know for sure. People hide affairs, alcoholism, gambling and drug addictions from people they live with all the time. Its even easier if you don't live together. Addictions often go hand in hand with mental health issues, sometimes they cause the MH issue, sometimes they arise from it. It would also explain how fast she blew through the money. Whatever it is though, giving her the money won't be helping.

If she's ballsy enough after you've said you don't have it to accuse you of lying I'd tell her your savings are locked in a 12/24 month bond for the high interest so you can't withdraw it.

Just. Say. No.

This woman is walking all over you and you need to work on your boundaries. I would not give her one penny more and would accept that sadly the friendship is over.

She’s asking you because she thinks you’re a mug and won’t expect it back or she’s run out of options.
She isn’t asking her boyfriend because she’s already taken him for a ride or he knows what she’s using it for - it can’t be normal living costs.
Put yourself and your daughter first as this ‘friend‘ certainly won’t do.

You wrote an awful lot of faff for an obvious answer.

Fuck NO. Stop enabling this woman.

This is a good idea, tell her you've gone for a two-year fixed interest rate to get the best return on your savings.
Suggest that she does the same.
Every time she asks for money reply with advice on making the most of your money and budgeting.

The money won’t help her anyway will it? It’s not as if it’s for food or something. It’s so she can avoid the consequences of her job situation and that’s not going away.
I would message something along the lines of ‘I don’t have it to spare’. No ‘sorry’ should appear in your message! No further explanation as she might offer a solution. ‘If you lose interest by withdrawing it I’ll make that up’.
Offer to get together and help her work out what to do though.

In my work you can have a certain number of absences before it goes to nil pay. I expect it’s something like that.

In fact, that's not true. If someone was ballsy enough to accuse you of lying about your savings amount I'd tell her to get fucked, that she blew 70k on who knows what and you're not a bank. But if you're not confident enough to say that I'd go with the locked 12/24 month savings account excuse.

Say no.

I had someone ask me for money and as a parent of two children my response was (and will always be) that any money left after bills and food is my children's and goes into their savings for the future.

Cost of living etc is hard enough now, I dread to think what it might be like in the future for the younger generation and selfish as it may sound, I'd rather put it towards trying to help my children than helping someone who has form for asking for asking for money in the past.

I would feel I insulted if a friendship rested on being a bank.
The asking for money will never end.
The kindest thing a good friend could do is to remove the wool from her eyes and sit her down for a frank discussion where she realises and accepts and the truth about her financial situation.
Then making a plan to sort it out.
Treat the cause not the symptoms

@Tamigotxh completely understand this and I could probably afford to give her a gift of 1k as other PPs have suggested.

But frankly, I'd be pissed off about it. I wouldn't have gone on the holiday if I'd had to pay full price, I have much bigger priorities.

I enjoy saving my money and knowing that I will hopefully not struggle too sending my son to college in a few years.

If she was in the depths, I would give her this money without question. But it seems she's in this position because she hasn't got the head down and worked and I'm just bailing her out. And I don't think she's being honest with me about why she's so broke now which hurts.

I told her before my holiday that my savings were locked in a week notice account, which is partially true, some of it is. But I don't have other savings

Fair enough! And yeah it doesn’t sound like she’s being completely honest. It’s not adding up.

I have learnt through bitter experience to be neither a lender nor a borrower. Never bring money into a friendship.

Just say no.

If she presses tell her all spare cash is being put away to support your teen through uni when it happens and is in fixed rate account you can't access.

You don’t need to justify your expenditure to her.
OP I have seen this exact scenario play out with other people. It never ended well. The friendship has already been impacted.

If she is a good friend she would never put you in this position. If you are a good friends and care about her do not lend her the money. MH is not a reason not to turn up to work I’m sorry.

If you want to use the ISA excuse and she offers to pay you the interest you lose then you can also point out that you lose the tax-free status of a chunk of your savings and you're not prepared to do that.
It looks like she thinks it's not fair that you're better with money than she is and you should compensate her for this!

Has she still got this amazing job? Did it ever exist? Because it all sounds like complete bollocks from her tbqh

Just joining the unanimous ‘fuck, no’ to this.

And don’t give her anything for the holiday she bought you - it was a gift. A very generous one but her life choice to pay for two mates to go on hols with her doesn’t mean you’re responsible down the line for fronting the money for it. As you said yourself, you wouldn’t have chosen to spend that ££ if you’d known you were paying.

She sounds like a pretty odd friend (who asks a friend for money constantly??) so I would end this friendship if it were me.

And don’t piss about lying about an ISA. You don’t need to lie.

You are not being a bitch and if saying no would damage your relationship, it's not much of a relationship and mustn't mean as much to her as it does to you.

Maybe you are overthinking this, you don't want to lend her more money and that is reason enough. It is your money, she is not entitled to it. Sounds like lending her money hasn't done her any favours.

You don't think she has an addiction, but a lot of money has gone somewhere

Not a chance in hell. Your priority is your child and you. Do not give her a brass farthing!!

I think both. They've been on a lot of trips together, abroad and otherwise. There's always some wedding or event she's going to. For example, she recently took a week off as she was sick, then went away for a weekend abroad and made herself event sicker, meaning she had to take more time off to recover. I just don't understand her.