Not to loan my friend 2k

[HelpAGirlOut1234]

I need help. Feel like I’ve been put in a really awkward situation and o don’t know what to do.

I have a best friend, Jane. We have been best friends for 12 or so years and have been there for each other through thick and thin. For context she is living by herself with no children but has a BF of nearly 5 years, I am a single Mum to 1 teenager.

Jane started a WFH job about 1.5years ago and has had nothing but trouble with it. The job is great imo, comes with a good salary and amazing benefits and they have been unbelievably good to her. I also have a good job, making more than Jane by maybe 15k but don’t have the same additional benefits.

Her mental health has deteriorated during the course of this role and I personally don’t think that WFH full time suits her. She started asking me for money about a year ago, there was a period where it was between 200 and 500 every month for about 5 months. She always paid it back the following month but I just didn’t understand where her money was going. Except going on holidays, dinners out etc with a well paid BF who I think she’s trying to keep up with.

She eventually came clean with me last year that she wasn’t logging in for work on a regular basis. There is flexitime, unpaid leave and last minute holidays available in her role so she was just calling in last minute, sometimes for up to a week and just staying in bed from what I can tell so she needed the money to make up with loss in salary every month. I eventually told her one month that I couldn’t help, that things were tight for me and the requests stopped.

She has sought some help with her MH, has been taking various antidepressants. I’ve been there for her without question to help with all of this. One thing I have encouraged her to do is to speak to her BF as she hasn’t told him about any of this. He would text her or call to the house asking how her day was and she would respond as though she has been working all day. I really don’t agree with this, I think it’s not fair on him to keep this from him but it’s not my place to make a deal out of this. All I know is that if a partner of mine was lying to me like this, I wouldn’t want to be with them. But again, not my place.

I’m just back from holidays with my son, a holiday I saved for all year. The day before I left she sent me a long text essentially asking for a loan of 2k which she will pay back in instalments. Apparently her work has been topping up her wages when she has again not been logging in and now their policy has changed and she need to pay this back so will lose 2 months wages.

She said she went to the bank for a loan but that they refused saying she would need 6 months of full payslips. She said she can’t ask her partner as he’s currently building a house and his outgoings are monitored for mortgage.

I have serious issues with all of this:

◦	Why was I fronting her money last year if her wages were being topped up? How was she broke then? 
◦	How can a company just change their policy so quickly and stop all of her wages for 2 months. 
◦	Surely if they were topping up her wages, then she HAS 6 months of full payslips?
◦	I seriously doubt her BF bank is monitoring his outgoings that much when the mortgage has already been approved. He also earns a 6 figure salary. I believe she just doesn’t want to come clean to him. 
◦	I’m a single mother and have been for over 10 years. I have raised a child on far less than she’s being paid without maintenance payments. Where is her money going? 
◦	To ask me the day before my holiday for this loan and then to follow up with me when I was on holiday this week I felt was a shitty thing to do.
◦	She has had disciplinary action taken at work due to her absences and I’m not 100% sure how secure her job, or ability to pay me back is. 
◦	She had a payout of 70k about 4 years ago from an accident. She was very generous and spent about 1k taking me on a holiday with another friend, but I recently found out that all of that money is now gone, with nothing to show for it. 

I love this woman so much, I really do. And technically I have the money that I could give to her but none of this is sitting right with me and I hate the position that I’m now in. I feel if I say yes, I’m just bailing her out and there’s a chance she may not be able to pay me back. If I say no, I feel it could damage a friendship that I really really value so much.

How do I handle this? Am I being a bitch, should I just give her the money?

This is exactly what I thought.

No, I didn't pay her back for the holiday. It was never expected. She knew I would never be able to go on a holiday like this in good conscience being a single Mum. While I could probably afford it, I have other priorities.

This holiday was proposed as a gift for both me and another girl. We bought her a lovely sentimental gift from both of us.

I had to include about the holiday in my OP because it's clouding my judgement in this situation a bit.

I’d just say sorry, no can do. I don’t have that amount of cash spare. If i did, i wouldn’t have had to save for a whole year to have a holiday. Speak to your BF

I think she knows pretty well that I would have this money in my savings so I don't think I can simply say that I don't have it.

I agree with PP you need to say no. I also suspect she is gambling away the money or similar, it doesn’t have to be betting, it can be online bingo or other things,

She's a mooching user.

Many people have MH problems and still manage to meet their obligations. Don't continue to enable her.

Your first duty is to maintain a solvent household for your child and yourself.

Fair enough it was a gift so you’re not obliged to pay her back at all, but now that she’s in need of money If you have 1K now to give to her, why don’t you give it to her now ?

Say to her you’re done with loaning money and won’t be doing it again, but this is a final monetary gift to help her out and also in recognition of her earlier generosity to make it clear she can’t hold any previous favours over your head. And then wipe your hands off the whole situation.

Doesn’t mean you have it spare just because you have it though does it? Say it’s earmarked for a new boiler or something if you need a lie but the fact is that it’s not spare. You’re a single parent with no back up. Put you and your DC first.

I do not think it is about analysing her finances and wondering why she needs a loan - it is about establishing the principle that you are not going to lend her money at all. End of.

Tell her you are a single mother and must prioritise your son. End of.

Then I think you need to be honest and tell her she’s clearly struggling and needs to get a grip of her financial situation. Would she respond well if you offered to help her budget etc? Sorry OP but it doesn’t sound like she’s being much of a friend if she keeps asking for money and putting you in this situation.

Why does she know about your savings and other financial circumstances?

Going forward, keep that information private.

I can hand on heart say that there is no addiction issue. It can't be drink or drugs and it's definitely not gambling, I would bet my own life on it (pardon the lazy pun).

It looks like you've been funding her not WFH lifestyle. It's ok to decline and hang onto your hard earned money. She's possibly into on line gambling. It doesn't matter, you need to stop enabling her. Just say no. You don't have to apologise, or explain. Just decline.

Why would you even get uminto this? It's people pleasing and you really should read up on the downsides of this. There are assertiveness courses online too. You want your friend to like you so much that you're letting yourself be taken for a mug. She has a partner - step away and let them figure money and life matters out together as a couple, without your saviour syndrome clouding things.

You both have work to do on yourselves, albeit in different ways.

Absolutely do not lend her any more money. It sounds like she has been claiming for time she didn't work and has been found out. Can't imagine a company topping up wages.

If you feel bad about the holiday I'd probably give her £500 tell her it's a gift but you won't be lending money out again. You've put it all in a fixed saving account for something, child's uni etc. Or give her nothing and tell her the same. Yoh don't owe her anything.

@FlickFlackTrap I HAVE offered help with a budget. I shared my own budgeting spreadsheet which I amended for her (I'm a sucker for a sexy excel). I've helped her do her tax back. I don't think she's even looked at the spreadsheet though

I would be very sympathetic but stick to the line that you wish you could help but you simply can't afford to.
If she questions this just keep saying sorry you can't afford it

My Dad used to say: "Neither a borrower not a lender be." - a lot!

Just say you have put your savings into an isa so can’t get them back without losing the benefit.

sounds like the 2k would be a stop gap and you might never get it back

You must be working so hard, both at work and at home. She, on the other hand, is staying in bed instead of working and now wants you to use the money from your job to give to her so that she can keep up with her richer boyfriend.

She's not a good friend to you, OP.

Because I live a nice life and she knows I wouldn't be spending the money I do without having money in the bank. For example I bought a new (for me) car recently, I'm going on another holiday in July etc.

I don't buy expensive clothes or makeup or anything but I'm thankfully in a much better position than a lot of other people... because I budget well and have really focused my time on increasing my salary with better jobs over the years.

She doesn't know how much I make or exactly what I have in savings but it's obvious I'm, very thankfully, not on the breadline.

You need to accept that she is not telling you the truth, and probably hasn't been for a while. On that basis it should be a no.

So if there's no addiction, do you think she's buying herself clothes etc to keep up with her boyfriend, or simply not working? Or both?

She doesn't want to do the difficult work of thinking about it, sitting down making a plan, instead she keeps reaching for the easy solution of getting you to bail her out.
Make sure she understands that option is no longer available, just keep saying sorry you can't afford it let me help you with budgeting.

The kindest thing to do here for your friend is not to give her the money. Be honest and tell her you can’t afford it, that you have your own holiday commitments or saving for university whatever. Help her in other ways face her other problems which are only going to spiral if you keep funding her. Sounds as though she is lucky to still have her job, and things can’t be that good with her boyfriend if money issues aren’t transparent. If she ends the friendship then so be it, you’ve done your best. Put yourself and your kid first.