Not to loan my friend 2k

[HelpAGirlOut1234]

I need help. Feel like I’ve been put in a really awkward situation and o don’t know what to do.

I have a best friend, Jane. We have been best friends for 12 or so years and have been there for each other through thick and thin. For context she is living by herself with no children but has a BF of nearly 5 years, I am a single Mum to 1 teenager.

Jane started a WFH job about 1.5years ago and has had nothing but trouble with it. The job is great imo, comes with a good salary and amazing benefits and they have been unbelievably good to her. I also have a good job, making more than Jane by maybe 15k but don’t have the same additional benefits.

Her mental health has deteriorated during the course of this role and I personally don’t think that WFH full time suits her. She started asking me for money about a year ago, there was a period where it was between 200 and 500 every month for about 5 months. She always paid it back the following month but I just didn’t understand where her money was going. Except going on holidays, dinners out etc with a well paid BF who I think she’s trying to keep up with.

She eventually came clean with me last year that she wasn’t logging in for work on a regular basis. There is flexitime, unpaid leave and last minute holidays available in her role so she was just calling in last minute, sometimes for up to a week and just staying in bed from what I can tell so she needed the money to make up with loss in salary every month. I eventually told her one month that I couldn’t help, that things were tight for me and the requests stopped.

She has sought some help with her MH, has been taking various antidepressants. I’ve been there for her without question to help with all of this. One thing I have encouraged her to do is to speak to her BF as she hasn’t told him about any of this. He would text her or call to the house asking how her day was and she would respond as though she has been working all day. I really don’t agree with this, I think it’s not fair on him to keep this from him but it’s not my place to make a deal out of this. All I know is that if a partner of mine was lying to me like this, I wouldn’t want to be with them. But again, not my place.

I’m just back from holidays with my son, a holiday I saved for all year. The day before I left she sent me a long text essentially asking for a loan of 2k which she will pay back in instalments. Apparently her work has been topping up her wages when she has again not been logging in and now their policy has changed and she need to pay this back so will lose 2 months wages.

She said she went to the bank for a loan but that they refused saying she would need 6 months of full payslips. She said she can’t ask her partner as he’s currently building a house and his outgoings are monitored for mortgage.

I have serious issues with all of this:

◦	Why was I fronting her money last year if her wages were being topped up? How was she broke then? 
◦	How can a company just change their policy so quickly and stop all of her wages for 2 months. 
◦	Surely if they were topping up her wages, then she HAS 6 months of full payslips?
◦	I seriously doubt her BF bank is monitoring his outgoings that much when the mortgage has already been approved. He also earns a 6 figure salary. I believe she just doesn’t want to come clean to him. 
◦	I’m a single mother and have been for over 10 years. I have raised a child on far less than she’s being paid without maintenance payments. Where is her money going? 
◦	To ask me the day before my holiday for this loan and then to follow up with me when I was on holiday this week I felt was a shitty thing to do.
◦	She has had disciplinary action taken at work due to her absences and I’m not 100% sure how secure her job, or ability to pay me back is. 
◦	She had a payout of 70k about 4 years ago from an accident. She was very generous and spent about 1k taking me on a holiday with another friend, but I recently found out that all of that money is now gone, with nothing to show for it. 

I love this woman so much, I really do. And technically I have the money that I could give to her but none of this is sitting right with me and I hate the position that I’m now in. I feel if I say yes, I’m just bailing her out and there’s a chance she may not be able to pay me back. If I say no, I feel it could damage a friendship that I really really value so much.

How do I handle this? Am I being a bitch, should I just give her the money?

My thoughts exactly

So when she was borrowing smaller amounts month on month, I eventually was told this was because she was missing work and therefore hadn't been paid.

But now she has said that she is paying back unpaid leave, as her employer was topping up her wages. Which she has said essentially means that she missed last months pay check and will miss this months as well.... due to some sort of policy change.

This is a huge multinational company, I can't see that they would be topping up wages for employees that are out sick, or not logging on. I also can't see that they would leave an employee without wages for 2 months due to a last minute policy change.

The whole thing just does not ring true at all.

Apologies for the late response, I took Saturday and Sunday away from the situation to enjoy the rest of my break.

No word from Jane since Friday, not sure if I should reach out at some point during the week as I do want to try and get that cuppa scheduled with her.

My guess is that Jane has gone quiet on you because she wants you to panic and contact her ask her if she's okay etc, in other words pay her attention and be on the back foot.
I would just leave it and if she does contact you be quite casual.

Hi
You are not being unreasonable lending money could be the end of your relationship and possibly never see your £2k again.
instead help her to raise money through local and national charities,
you can check what she is eligible for and which charities can help and for what she needs.
www.turn2us.co.uk this site is really good for grants especially for ppl with MH
check your borough council website for grants etc.
local citizens advice
Google grants for Women etc
this will help her and your friendship
good luck

Jane has gone quiet because you’re not caving in and giving her the money. She’s probably trying to sponge off other people.

Also agree, what she is saying doesn’t ring true and actually sounds decidedly odd. However, her problems are not your responsibility, and / or yours to solve.

I wouldn’t contact her. Let her come you. It’ll show whether she’s a real friend, or just after your money. And if she does come back, don’t mention the money. Just chat about Eurovision etc.

Why should you be the one to reach out? Haven’t you done enough for her over the years and very recently used up a lot of emotional energy and headspace trying to understand her perspective? Take a step back and if she wants to make contact she will. Like @0sm0nthus said, she’s likely expecting you to make the next move, even though you’ve made your views crystal clear.

And if she does come back, don’t mention the money. Just chat about Eurovision etc
Agree with this from @Riverlee
Jane wants you to be so worried about her that you feel guilty for not lending her the two grand, she thinks this will make you feel upset and so desperate that you beg her to let you give her the money.
Edit-to me it smells like the narcissists tactic of discarding you so that you beg to be allowed back.

whatever you do, DONT lend her any money.

Hi @HelpAGirlOut1234 while I haven’t read all the posts, I’ve read your updates. I don’t have any advice - although it seems like you’re no longer needing any - but I just wanted to say how well you’ve handled this. Your communication with your friend was spot on! I’m hoping her reply means you will both get to have an open and honest chat.

As you say, it could be that she’s going to open up more when you meet, but I suppose her trying to get the money could still be on the cards so just be careful when having such an emotional talk.

I’m sorry you’ve been treated like this, but again well done for how you’ve handled it, and I hope the friendship remains just without the baggage 🧡

Perhaps balancing how she reaches out to you and what she is asking you to provide vs what she provides as a friend, might help.

If you are always the one organising, helping, supporting etc, the friendship has shifted and lost balance. Some time apart (longer than a weekend) is useful for you to build your boundaries.

If your friend is good at manipulation, as has been suggested, and knows you very well and how to trigger a response from you, you need to stand firm and not be guilted into anything. You are not a bad friend because you're not offering to solve her issues financially. You are respecting yourself and understanding this is overstepping a boundary.

If you want to text, just small talk, don’t mention the money. What she’s told you doesn’t add up in many ways, and even if true she needs to talk to the boyfriend. Be a friend, have a coffee, moan about the weather but absolutely don’t even mention the money. She asked, you said no, that’s that.

@HelpAGirlOut1234 do you think it’s possible she was just being paid her monthly wage as normal, but they’ve now gone back and checked and have proof that she wasn’t active on the computer say for 7 days, or that she logged out early? And now they are coming to her with this proof and looking for the wages? If this is the case I’d guess she has lost her job also.

If something has gone askew in payroll, jobs will generally take it from future monthly wages in an agreed small amount, until the entire sum is paid back. Them looking for a lump sum (her needing 2k) sounds like they are saying back us back or get taken to court.

It all sounds very dodgy to me….
It’s a basic principle, that in order to pay your bills and pay for clothes and holidays, you have to go to work! Tough luck if she doesn’t want to. That’s life. And she can’t expect anyone else to bankroll her lifestyle.
I wouldn't reach out yet… and then make it really casual. Don’t forget our coffee date or something similar. And if she brings up a loan again stop her and say really x this is getting embarrassing….i can’t lend you any money please stop asking. Now how is….

Absolutely do not lend her the money. You need to look after yourself and your child first. She has not been totally honest with you about the past and she will almost certainly not pay it back. Plus she received a sum of money in the past and a well paid job if she actually bothered to work.

"when she was borrowing smaller amounts month on month, I eventually was told this was because she was missing work and therefore hadn't been paid."

OP. I think it would be a useful exercise for you if you added up all the smaller amounts month on month that you have already loaned her ( and which you wont get back because they are "only smaller amounts" ( you don't need to post it here. Just add it up and work out what the total is.

Because you could be investing this amount for your child for when they want to study/buy their first car/or add to a deposit on a place to live.

A previous poster said that she doesn't owe you an explaination for what she wants to spend the money on that she wants you to lend her. And you immediately agreed that of course she doesn't owe you an explanation, this person who frittered away £70k with nothing to show for it, other than the vague suggestion that she is "keeping" up with a better off BF... ie living the highlife on a temporary basis.

You say that you could lend her the money which you have saved because you have been very prudent in your spending and effectively made sacrifices to have some financial security. It is much much easier to spend £2k than it is to save it.

Think about this.
"I want you to lend me money to - put food on the table until the end of the month - or to heat my house, or to keep the bailiffs from the door whilst I sort myself out.

Or I want you to lend me money so that I can pay for a luxury holiday with my boyfriend, so that he doesn't find out how precarious my finances are and dump me.

Yes. If she wants to borrow money she absolutely does owe you an explanation. No bank lends money without knowing exactly what it will be spent on. In the first example, it's for a worthy reason, in the second it's to live the highlife on money that you've made sacrifices to scrape together.

You keep saying that none of her explanations make any sense or don't add up. That's because she's spinning you a yarn but even this doesn't make you stop and think before agreeing that of course she doesn't owe you an explanation.

You really need to put yourself and your child first. You don't have a rich BF building his own house on family land. You've talked about how you've had to graft to keep your little family financially secure, yet you'd let your friend come and blow your financial security down.

At any time when asking for this "loan" on top of the month-on-month smaller amounts you have been lending...has there ever been a mention of how and when she will pay you back....when she comes back from her luxury holiday? When she's been fired?

Stop falling for the guilt tripping. Your £2k will not solve her financial difficulties in any way... she's not using it to pay off a high interest debt is she? Its going on a holiday, so she can keep lying to her BF, so lending it is like throwing it down the drain.
Come on OP.

@HelpAGirlOut1234

you day you can afford to lend her the money but can you really? This is your savings pot and you might not see it again.

the best thing for her is not to lend her them money and support her through whatever is coming her way as her employer stops employing someone who is unreliable and her bf realises she’s not who he thought she was.

It'd be a 'no' from me. As much as you'd like to help your friend in all honesty you wouldn't be helping her you'd be enabling her to carry on doing whatever it is she's doing that's taking up all her money. Do you have any suspicions of her gambling or anything else she may not be owning up to?

Explain to her you're no longer in a position to lend her money but you can offer support & help in other ways if she has anything she'd like to talk about.

All sounds really dodgy, she's lying to you op.

First she says she needs money because she's not getting any sick pay, and now she's saying she needs to pay her employer back for top ups that they've been paying her whisky she's off sick. The two don't match. Plus I've never in my 35+years of work, known a company 'top up' wages when sick. You either get paid ssp, your wages or nothing. Not half of one and half of the other

Yes it doesn’t ring true to me either. On one hand she’s claiming she had salary deductions due to her taking unpaid leave - as you’d expect. But now she’s almost saying she didn’t have those deductions as the work was “topping” up her pay? In that case why did she need to borrow smaller amounts from you if her work was topping up her pay 👀

This sounds highly unusual and irregular for a company to be not paying an employee for an entire month let alone two 😬 what kind of policy would that be?!

But yeah don’t even worry about it, you won’t get to the bottom of it. Sadly she seems determined to lie to you, which when you think about it isn’t surprising since she’s ok with deceiving her boyfriend.

Just make clear you won’t be lending her the money and leave it at that . If she’s that desperate she can ask her boyfriend.

Your message was really nice and to the point. You are a good friend xx.

I would love to see your spreadsheet, I am always looking for ideas how to budget better xx lots of love xx

No. Don’t do it. Just remind her that you are a single mother supporting another human being already and you simply don’t have it.
Her BF is earning 6 figure salary and she wants to sponge off of you, fuck that. She needs to face the mess she’s got herself into, don’t be her enabler.
I reckon if you lend her the money this friendhip will be over very soon, when she misses 2 months of payments. Which she will do.