Not to loan my friend 2k

[HelpAGirlOut1234]

I need help. Feel like I’ve been put in a really awkward situation and o don’t know what to do.

I have a best friend, Jane. We have been best friends for 12 or so years and have been there for each other through thick and thin. For context she is living by herself with no children but has a BF of nearly 5 years, I am a single Mum to 1 teenager.

Jane started a WFH job about 1.5years ago and has had nothing but trouble with it. The job is great imo, comes with a good salary and amazing benefits and they have been unbelievably good to her. I also have a good job, making more than Jane by maybe 15k but don’t have the same additional benefits.

Her mental health has deteriorated during the course of this role and I personally don’t think that WFH full time suits her. She started asking me for money about a year ago, there was a period where it was between 200 and 500 every month for about 5 months. She always paid it back the following month but I just didn’t understand where her money was going. Except going on holidays, dinners out etc with a well paid BF who I think she’s trying to keep up with.

She eventually came clean with me last year that she wasn’t logging in for work on a regular basis. There is flexitime, unpaid leave and last minute holidays available in her role so she was just calling in last minute, sometimes for up to a week and just staying in bed from what I can tell so she needed the money to make up with loss in salary every month. I eventually told her one month that I couldn’t help, that things were tight for me and the requests stopped.

She has sought some help with her MH, has been taking various antidepressants. I’ve been there for her without question to help with all of this. One thing I have encouraged her to do is to speak to her BF as she hasn’t told him about any of this. He would text her or call to the house asking how her day was and she would respond as though she has been working all day. I really don’t agree with this, I think it’s not fair on him to keep this from him but it’s not my place to make a deal out of this. All I know is that if a partner of mine was lying to me like this, I wouldn’t want to be with them. But again, not my place.

I’m just back from holidays with my son, a holiday I saved for all year. The day before I left she sent me a long text essentially asking for a loan of 2k which she will pay back in instalments. Apparently her work has been topping up her wages when she has again not been logging in and now their policy has changed and she need to pay this back so will lose 2 months wages.

She said she went to the bank for a loan but that they refused saying she would need 6 months of full payslips. She said she can’t ask her partner as he’s currently building a house and his outgoings are monitored for mortgage.

I have serious issues with all of this:

◦	Why was I fronting her money last year if her wages were being topped up? How was she broke then? 
◦	How can a company just change their policy so quickly and stop all of her wages for 2 months. 
◦	Surely if they were topping up her wages, then she HAS 6 months of full payslips?
◦	I seriously doubt her BF bank is monitoring his outgoings that much when the mortgage has already been approved. He also earns a 6 figure salary. I believe she just doesn’t want to come clean to him. 
◦	I’m a single mother and have been for over 10 years. I have raised a child on far less than she’s being paid without maintenance payments. Where is her money going? 
◦	To ask me the day before my holiday for this loan and then to follow up with me when I was on holiday this week I felt was a shitty thing to do.
◦	She has had disciplinary action taken at work due to her absences and I’m not 100% sure how secure her job, or ability to pay me back is. 
◦	She had a payout of 70k about 4 years ago from an accident. She was very generous and spent about 1k taking me on a holiday with another friend, but I recently found out that all of that money is now gone, with nothing to show for it. 

I love this woman so much, I really do. And technically I have the money that I could give to her but none of this is sitting right with me and I hate the position that I’m now in. I feel if I say yes, I’m just bailing her out and there’s a chance she may not be able to pay me back. If I say no, I feel it could damage a friendship that I really really value so much.

How do I handle this? Am I being a bitch, should I just give her the money?

Op you cannot be sure someone isn't gambling.
Drink drugs you'd see evidence, in the persons health, but gambling online money can be burnt through very quickly. And very secretly.

But end of the day her job must be in jeopardy if she isn't logging in. And your odds of getting the money back must be low. I'd say sorry can not afford it.

My thoughts too. Most employers would let you go for such random absences especially within first two years, let alone pay full sick pay repeatedly.

Definitely has the job, by some grace of god. They have been so incredibly good to her, she has free counselling and medical coverage she could be availing of etc and they've been so understanding.

Honestly, from what I know of her work history with them, I would have fired her already. I can't understand how she could be jeopardising this role so much.

How about something like:

”Hi friend, I cannot afford to help you out with money due to the increased cost of living and being a single parent. I am happy to help you out with advice and being a listening ear if that helps you?”

Then you aren’t closing the door, and it’s up to her if she does so

a pp said it sounds like she’s been spending the money keeping up with her boyfriend and I wonder if this is the case.

It’s such a shame when women ( it tends to be women) get into financial difficulty trying to keep up with their boyfriend hoping he’ll see she’s an “independent woman” who is not after his money 🙄

I wish they’d be honest and say they can’t do x, y and z as it doesn’t fit in with their budget and if the man cares he will either adjust or subsidise her, which is what I’ve happily done for friends in the past who had less money than me.

I suspect it’s a combination of her keeping up with her rich boyfriend and her taking too many unpaid leave days.

I had a friend ask me for money over a number of years and that and other things ruined the friendship. I wish I’d said no. If her partner didn’t squander his wages on weed she would’ve had much more but like so many women she preferred to inconvenience her mum, best friend, sister etc then ask her partner to be responsible.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out your friends boyfriend is abusive in some way or all is not well in relationship tbh. And that may be contributing towards her erratic attitude towards work.

@HelpAGirlOut1234 every reason you should say no is already detailed in your opening post. I wouldn’t repay her gift of a long-ago holiday either. You’re a good friend who’s been there for her and lent her money too. The friendship has to be about something other than you bailing her out and being the person she confesses to about defrauding her company by not working for them but taking a wage.

first suggestion to Jane is that she should cancel her July holiday and put that money towards her debt.

Even if you did 'lend' her the money, it won't help her, because she's still sticking her head in the sand and not addressing her financial and work problems.

The only kind thing is to gently refuse by explaining that you simply cannot spare the money, as you are a single parent with a dependent child ffs !

You simply cannot 'gamble' with YOUR financial health simply to help her put off sorting her life and finances out.

I'd offer to sit down with her and address

1. Her work problem/mental health problem, as it's affected her hugely.She may be depressed or have other mental health issues.
2. Supporting her to be honest with her BF that she can't afford to go on holiday with him in the summer.
3. Her actual finances i.e see wage slips and expenditures, cut any 'luxury' expenses and see what she is left with. It may well be that she needs to move to a cheaper place etc
4. She may need to find a new job to escape the rut she's currently in with having a wfh job, so you can help her with job hunting/interviews etc

In short, the only way to support your friend is by talking and supporting her, NOT giving her money to continue with a destructive 'charade'.

She's lying somewhere along the line. Compulsive spending habit by the sounds of it. But not your issue. Your only issue is to tell her 'no' this time and going forwards.
'Sorry, I can't' no explanation needed. It's not a case of you not having the money, but not being prepared to give it. 'Like I said, I can't' she can ask her bloody partner!

Okay, it's fairly unanimous in the responses here.

So how do I go about this. I left it before I went on holidays saying that summer was going to be expensive and that I had to check my outgoings, my savings were tied up anyway so I couldn't do anything immediately.

I've so far ignored the message a couple of days ago asking had I had the chance to check my money situation.

Should I message back? Or should I say I need to talk to her in person. Should I be honest and tell her that I think she's lying to me and find a way of saying that not giving her the money is a form of tough love and she needs to sort her shit out and she should really come clean to her boyfriend. Or do I just keep it simple and say no?

I really don't want to lose this friendship, we have invested so much time and love in this.

I agree with @Needanewname42 and there are different types of betting. She doesn't have to walk into a bookies to place a bet. I imagine on-line is easy to do and easy to run up debt quickly.

'No' is a complete sentence-you don't need any excuses or to have to explain your reasons.

NO WAY!! She clearly has problems managing her money and £2k is a lot. Stop this nonsense immediately! She's relying on you to sort out her financial mess. She needs to learn to look after herself.

Why would you give her £1,000? Over five months last year you gave her amounts that cover that, yes she paid you back but when she took you and your other mutual friend away it was a gift from her not a loan.

Please do not give her any more money, she will keep asking until your well runs dry.

Any spare money you have should be going into savings for you are your son. Your son is a teenager, he will be needing money for driving lessons, post 16 studies etc soon. Save your money for him.

No, no, a thousand times no.

Think of it this way: you have a teenager. Teenagers need stuff all the time. You could be taking money that your teen needs in order to give it to this highly irresponsible friend. It's also bull that her BF can't lend to her - he doesn't want to either and he's made an excuse. So you make an excuse as well.

Tell her you blasted your savings on the holiday and advise her to ask her work for a repayment plan. Or ask her to ask her parents to help out.

You do not compromise when you have a child to think of.

You are right to say no. If it ruins your friendship then there is no real friendship to start with. It is not for you to rescue her.

Just message today to get it over with. Just say that at the moment you do not have this to give. You do not need to explain further, keep it simple and stick to that.

I don't think you should lend her the money BUT you should give her the 1k. It might have been a gift but you took 1K from her without a doubt and she very willingly took you on holiday.
I would also use this 1k as twofold - doing the right thing by paying her and knowing you don't really 'owe' her a single penny any more. And then use this as making it clear to her this is the final amount she will ever receive from you. Make that clear that it's about the holiday too.

Sorry, I have reviewed your request and my finances are already fully committed, so can't help.

Chances are you are not the only friend she has tapped for loans and she just pays one back by borrowing from another.

Absolutely do not lend her the money. She needs a bit of a wake up call. And a different job.

And btw I would rather fucking die and have dignity than be blowing up my best mate's phone asking her if she's checked her outgoings so I could have some more of her money!

Should I message back? Or should I say I need to talk to her in person. Should I be honest and tell her that I think she's lying to me and find a way of saying that not giving her the money is a form of tough love and she needs to sort her shit out and she should really come clean to her boyfriend. Or do I just keep it simple and say no

I’d probably try to keep it relatively simple without being abrupt but not be too detailed either. Perhaps say no you can’t loan her any more money at all, and maybe gently remind her of the fact you’re a single income household with a child and you need that security. If she probes further then maybe raise it with her that you have some concerns and she really needs to be straight with her boyfriend.

You may find you need to be quite blunt. Make it clear you will not give or lend another penny. I doubt this friendship will survive tbh.
My partner is in a similar situation, only the person asking for money has also been asking other friends too. I don't think they had considered that all the friends might start comparing notes, and we have all now realised that the begging person has been telling each a different story. As one of them put it, the trust has gone and can't be regained now.

I would tell her you're upset that she is asking you for the money instead of her partner who is on a 6 figure salary and that it feels like she would do anything not to rock the boat with him, which doesn't sit right with you.

She wants a nice lifestyle but can’t be bothered to even log onto her work! And she wants you to bankroll her….

I would tell her that your savings are tied up so you get better interest rates, and you can’t assess them.
Or if you can’t say that just say no. You can’t risk loosing the money… you have a dependent to provide for. And you go without nights out and new clothes to fund days out and holidays. If you could give her that money you would then have to go without. Her boyfriend is stinking rich! Harden your heart. She’s a lazy moo and needs a kick up the bum

If she’s been no good with money management up to now, it’s not going to improve going forward.

Do not do it

point her in the direction of a bank loan.