Not to loan my friend 2k

[HelpAGirlOut1234]

I need help. Feel like I’ve been put in a really awkward situation and o don’t know what to do.

I have a best friend, Jane. We have been best friends for 12 or so years and have been there for each other through thick and thin. For context she is living by herself with no children but has a BF of nearly 5 years, I am a single Mum to 1 teenager.

Jane started a WFH job about 1.5years ago and has had nothing but trouble with it. The job is great imo, comes with a good salary and amazing benefits and they have been unbelievably good to her. I also have a good job, making more than Jane by maybe 15k but don’t have the same additional benefits.

Her mental health has deteriorated during the course of this role and I personally don’t think that WFH full time suits her. She started asking me for money about a year ago, there was a period where it was between 200 and 500 every month for about 5 months. She always paid it back the following month but I just didn’t understand where her money was going. Except going on holidays, dinners out etc with a well paid BF who I think she’s trying to keep up with.

She eventually came clean with me last year that she wasn’t logging in for work on a regular basis. There is flexitime, unpaid leave and last minute holidays available in her role so she was just calling in last minute, sometimes for up to a week and just staying in bed from what I can tell so she needed the money to make up with loss in salary every month. I eventually told her one month that I couldn’t help, that things were tight for me and the requests stopped.

She has sought some help with her MH, has been taking various antidepressants. I’ve been there for her without question to help with all of this. One thing I have encouraged her to do is to speak to her BF as she hasn’t told him about any of this. He would text her or call to the house asking how her day was and she would respond as though she has been working all day. I really don’t agree with this, I think it’s not fair on him to keep this from him but it’s not my place to make a deal out of this. All I know is that if a partner of mine was lying to me like this, I wouldn’t want to be with them. But again, not my place.

I’m just back from holidays with my son, a holiday I saved for all year. The day before I left she sent me a long text essentially asking for a loan of 2k which she will pay back in instalments. Apparently her work has been topping up her wages when she has again not been logging in and now their policy has changed and she need to pay this back so will lose 2 months wages.

She said she went to the bank for a loan but that they refused saying she would need 6 months of full payslips. She said she can’t ask her partner as he’s currently building a house and his outgoings are monitored for mortgage.

I have serious issues with all of this:

◦	Why was I fronting her money last year if her wages were being topped up? How was she broke then? 
◦	How can a company just change their policy so quickly and stop all of her wages for 2 months. 
◦	Surely if they were topping up her wages, then she HAS 6 months of full payslips?
◦	I seriously doubt her BF bank is monitoring his outgoings that much when the mortgage has already been approved. He also earns a 6 figure salary. I believe she just doesn’t want to come clean to him. 
◦	I’m a single mother and have been for over 10 years. I have raised a child on far less than she’s being paid without maintenance payments. Where is her money going? 
◦	To ask me the day before my holiday for this loan and then to follow up with me when I was on holiday this week I felt was a shitty thing to do.
◦	She has had disciplinary action taken at work due to her absences and I’m not 100% sure how secure her job, or ability to pay me back is. 
◦	She had a payout of 70k about 4 years ago from an accident. She was very generous and spent about 1k taking me on a holiday with another friend, but I recently found out that all of that money is now gone, with nothing to show for it. 

I love this woman so much, I really do. And technically I have the money that I could give to her but none of this is sitting right with me and I hate the position that I’m now in. I feel if I say yes, I’m just bailing her out and there’s a chance she may not be able to pay me back. If I say no, I feel it could damage a friendship that I really really value so much.

How do I handle this? Am I being a bitch, should I just give her the money?

@BigMandsTattooPortfolio Agree with you there! And I love the user name! Fantastic programme! 😁

I don’t know how much of a gift you can afford, OP, and besides, the holiday was for 2 or 3 people. But I agree with the sentiment behind @Skippydoodle ’s post.

Give your friend what you can afford without resentment, in light of that holiday. For me in your shoes it would probably be £500. Even £250 would be meaningful. Explain that this is all you can do, but it is a gift. That way if the friendship ends you will have no reason to second guess yourself

I don’t think your friend is being straight with you, and if you loan her money I don’t think you will ever see it again.

This is irrelevant, OP. You are a single mum. You need an emergency fund.

Just because you have scraped an emergency fund together doesn’t mean you can afford to loan, much less gift, your friend £2K

None of the questions you’re asking yourself are relevant. To lend your friend 2k is a recipe for disaster, and the end of a friendship ultimately. You should tell her you’re not in the position to spare any cash. End of.

I like the suggestion of paying her back £1k for the holiday she treated you to, but also saying NO MORE.
It would be a kindness I think.

Definitely not and I hate to say it but none of my close friends would ask me to lend them
money and definitely on such a regular basis and for such a high amount. Has she ever considered that she might be neurodivergent? She seems very overwhelmed by adult life tbh.

There are so many theories…

Just ask Jane what its for. And ask her if you can help her sort her budget.

My best friend and I have loaned each other money over 4 figures. We always offered up what the situation was.

If she won’t tell you then reply you're more concerned she wont tell you.

1 what do you say when you’ve been fired from your job?

2 why does it matter if OP is American?

It’s not that simple. Have you RTFT or all of the OPs posts ?

OP’s friend has already explained why she’s in a pickle financially. And OP has said she is concerned. Friend has elaborated on the reason why she needs the money.

She may not be telling the truth of course hence the various suggestions people are putting forward, but OP has asked and friend has answered.

also Op has loaned smaller amounts of money previously to said friend , part of the issue now is she doesn’t want to continue doing it - especially when it involves larger amounts of money. Not everyone likes mixing friendship and money in this way.

And OP has also already offered to help her budget.

Hmm, I don’t see that the business would take two months worth of pay, as they would risk unlawful deduction of earnings! Maybe she has not been attending work or did lose her job?

I wouldn’t loan her the money, she hasn’t shown you that she is financially stable and to a certain degree you would be enabling her.

Explain that you aren’t able to loan her the money. You don’t owe her a reason but offer to support her any other ways. Maybe you could look at her incomings and expenses to help her work out a system to manage her money better. Sign post her to support etc!

What is her plan when she gets through the 2k she wants from you? As she has no sick pay, so if does not work a day, then another??? Will she know it is ok, I don’t have to work for a few days as my friend will give me money again.

what would her plan be to pay back 2k if she cannot manage on the amount of work she is prepared to do? And after her upcoming holiday with her partner, who she has been able to not tell him the truth that she offered not to work and had not managed money, what will she do next time there is an event, wedding or holiday?

borrowing money, maxing out credit cards, loans … you will be bottom of the pile to return money to and first to get more money from.

it speaks volumes that her partner can afford to build a home, is over 100k salary and does not want to hare finances with your friend!

"Oh Jane I'm sorry, I am really struggling at the moment and was going to ask if you could help me out this month."

Could she be gambling? Sounds like she has a problem of some sorts especially with all the secrets

Tell her no. To get a job and actually WORK or see a doctor to sort out her mental health. To ask her BF for help. She is not you responsibility

You clearly care about your friend, but giving her the money is not going to solve her problem. It is only going to create more. I think you should explain to her that you're not going to loan her the money, but maybe you could support her to get the help she needs to sort out her life a bit. Just getting her to discuss it would be a useful first step and as her friend perhaps something you would like to help her with. It may be that from the outside her situation might be easily rectified ,but she may just feel overwhelmed by everything. You might be able to help signpost her to a group or organisation that can help her. I agree with the others, don't lend her the money, it's not the answer, but just be her friend and see if you can help drag her out of the marshes.

You know she’s lied to you. If she was getting paid sick leave why did she need top ups from you, which were apparently because she wasn’t getting paid? And she would have pay slips so could get a loan.

Oh no, dont lend. I once lent a colleague £100 as she said she needed to buy food, 3 weeks later pleaded poverty and could she delay the repayment and then i found out she bought her son a real Gucci belt for his birthday ! I left the company a few weeks later, never saw my money and blocked her. first time i lent money and i guess it was a cheap lesson as could have been more.

I totally agree with this.

There are many indications that she is lying about her work/being topped up//to her BF and being overpaid now has to pay back and the only way she can do this is if you step in... and if you don't you are a bad person.

Your first priority is your own financial security and that of your child.

How does your friend know your savings and outgoings and exactly how much spare money you have available to lend her? She has made it her business to ask you and find out... She has done this so its difficult for you to say no.

SHE BURNT HER WAY THOUGH £70K.
and now has nothing to show for it.

Offering to go through her finances to help her and nurturing her through this will not be accepted in the spirit in which it was asked. She will use it, as she's already shown form for, to continue to put extreme pressure on you to help her out. You have to take a step back for your own wellbeing.

Your money will not help her out of the mess she has got herself into. It will only buy a short period of respite before everything goes tits up. You may as well set fire to your cash for all the good it will do.

If you want to be a real friend, encourage her to face up to her problems and seek real help, a debt consultant charity for one, and not keep leaning on you. That won't help her get out of this. But there are places that will. Her crash is coming because her behaviour is unsustainable. The solution is not to borrow more money but to stop lying or evading the truth and find practical ways of dealing with it. ie negotiating with her work if they are in reality demanding overpayments back.

You are letting guilt push you into behaviour that is not in your best interest. You cannot be her saviour, she has to want to save herself. Aren't all the times you've already helped and supported her enough to prove you have been a good friend? I suspect if you refuse her this time, all the previous help will be forgotten because that is what emotional blackmailers do.

I got a free bingo online thing when I joined a Mecca club to go to a friends birthday so I used it. There was a player on there complaining that they spent £300 a day for the past two weeks and won nothing.

Blew my mind.

And yet these sites say that they use the Gambling awareness rules, despite drawing people in. Its insidious. The rules around online gambling dont stop the companies using known tactics to get people to spend (and lose) money.

Don’t ball her out. She needs professional help. Where’s her family?

There are certain times in life when people are going through rough times and a loan from a close friend family member is needed to get people through that period.
However, the problem in the OP’s scenario is the friend has been using Op as an atm but is not showing any signs of really trying to tackle the situation . She has asked Op for money on numerous occasions.
Also, Op’s friend has a boyfriend who she cannot be honest with . Why should Op have to go without because of her friend’s insecurity ?
I would give her £500 and tell her that is all that you have at the moment. I would not give her anything else after that. Be prepared for the friendship to come to an end

Hey, I’ve just woken up and I’m not sure if you’ve had 1000 responses where my comments will be repeated? Anyway if she has ADHD she will be very bad with money and if she has a drug problem she will be very bad with money but neither of those problems are your problems.

Nothing about the way you describe her last message makes any sense the payslips the boyfriend the work disciplinary it all sounds quite contrived to make you feel guilty if you don’t say yes?

But even if it is true, it is still not your issue!

You have to anonymous group to ask for an opinion so it’s clearly bothering you.

The best advice I think you’re going to get is to your own boundaries. say to her but you said in the first look I know you’ve been there. I’ve been there for you all the time. I love you but this is making me uncomfortable. I’m afraid you’re going to end the friendship or be upset with me if I say no and that doesn’t feel like a friendship at all

I would ask her outright if there is a substance or mental health issue and what you could do for her emotionally to support her because you’re uncomfortable doing so financially.

Just be honest.

How would you help your son through the same problem when he’s older?

Give yourself some compassion and distance yourself from the drama of your friends poor decisions. Loving someone does not mean becoming their mug.

I really really hope it works out, but more importantly, I hope you decide to do whatever honours your heart!

❤️

Don't loan anyone any money unless you can afford to give it away.

But to be honest, your friend is a car crash in slow motion, and at the moment you're just enabling her.

It's quite possible she lost her job around the same time she statted "WFH". Have you tried phoning her company and asking to speak to her? Say you're her cousin and her aunt aked you to get in touch,

Then you need to bring the delusions to an end. You're running around chasing your tail trying to prove nothing adds up.

But it's basic. She has no money. She's borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. You just need to work out if she has any income.

She doesn't appear to be in a position to help herself. She's probably overwhelmed.

So as a friend, you need to talk to her BF and family.

If she has no income, you need to get her set up on welfare benefits - and find out whether her BF or family will keep a roof over her head.

She's probably too fragile to go back into a competitive job.

Do your best to persuade her to find a job/training./skills where she adds value and feels self-respect - animals/children/elderly - while she prepares for her longer future.

But get a family member/BF to accompany her to a GP for mental health/medical support - once her situation is actually clarified.

About that £1K she spent on you for a holiday. You should repay that favour. Help suport her back to a job, probably minimum wage, and paying the bills. Be a friend. Then gift her back the money when appropriate.

She shared her good fortune with you because she cares about you. She gave because she wanted to give you happiness. She did not buy your friendship. You obviously care about her. But you need to square that debt now situations have changed.

And remember the love behind her gift.

Nope. Keep your money with you. Have personally lent money to 2 "friends" - with specifics for payment back etc. Both times got horrendously burnt. It's not only a friend killer but also kills your inherent trust in anyone. Don't do it.

Hi,
Has your friend spoken to her HR/Manager about the MH issues she is going through.
Is she based in the UK? I only ask because employer support can vary in different countries.
Surely, her employer would take out a small regular amount to repay the amount owed and probably prevent her from accessing unpaid leave in future.
I’m sorry, none of this rings true for me.
I might consider repaying her the amount of the holiday, so this isn’t hanging over you and giving her emotional leverage on her requests.
Is she spending money frivolously to deal with mental health distress? If that’s the case, I think any money you give will be sent on further frivolous stuff.
I wouldn’t give her any further money.