Not to loan my friend 2k

[HelpAGirlOut1234]

I need help. Feel like I’ve been put in a really awkward situation and o don’t know what to do.

I have a best friend, Jane. We have been best friends for 12 or so years and have been there for each other through thick and thin. For context she is living by herself with no children but has a BF of nearly 5 years, I am a single Mum to 1 teenager.

Jane started a WFH job about 1.5years ago and has had nothing but trouble with it. The job is great imo, comes with a good salary and amazing benefits and they have been unbelievably good to her. I also have a good job, making more than Jane by maybe 15k but don’t have the same additional benefits.

Her mental health has deteriorated during the course of this role and I personally don’t think that WFH full time suits her. She started asking me for money about a year ago, there was a period where it was between 200 and 500 every month for about 5 months. She always paid it back the following month but I just didn’t understand where her money was going. Except going on holidays, dinners out etc with a well paid BF who I think she’s trying to keep up with.

She eventually came clean with me last year that she wasn’t logging in for work on a regular basis. There is flexitime, unpaid leave and last minute holidays available in her role so she was just calling in last minute, sometimes for up to a week and just staying in bed from what I can tell so she needed the money to make up with loss in salary every month. I eventually told her one month that I couldn’t help, that things were tight for me and the requests stopped.

She has sought some help with her MH, has been taking various antidepressants. I’ve been there for her without question to help with all of this. One thing I have encouraged her to do is to speak to her BF as she hasn’t told him about any of this. He would text her or call to the house asking how her day was and she would respond as though she has been working all day. I really don’t agree with this, I think it’s not fair on him to keep this from him but it’s not my place to make a deal out of this. All I know is that if a partner of mine was lying to me like this, I wouldn’t want to be with them. But again, not my place.

I’m just back from holidays with my son, a holiday I saved for all year. The day before I left she sent me a long text essentially asking for a loan of 2k which she will pay back in instalments. Apparently her work has been topping up her wages when she has again not been logging in and now their policy has changed and she need to pay this back so will lose 2 months wages.

She said she went to the bank for a loan but that they refused saying she would need 6 months of full payslips. She said she can’t ask her partner as he’s currently building a house and his outgoings are monitored for mortgage.

I have serious issues with all of this:

◦	Why was I fronting her money last year if her wages were being topped up? How was she broke then? 
◦	How can a company just change their policy so quickly and stop all of her wages for 2 months. 
◦	Surely if they were topping up her wages, then she HAS 6 months of full payslips?
◦	I seriously doubt her BF bank is monitoring his outgoings that much when the mortgage has already been approved. He also earns a 6 figure salary. I believe she just doesn’t want to come clean to him. 
◦	I’m a single mother and have been for over 10 years. I have raised a child on far less than she’s being paid without maintenance payments. Where is her money going? 
◦	To ask me the day before my holiday for this loan and then to follow up with me when I was on holiday this week I felt was a shitty thing to do.
◦	She has had disciplinary action taken at work due to her absences and I’m not 100% sure how secure her job, or ability to pay me back is. 
◦	She had a payout of 70k about 4 years ago from an accident. She was very generous and spent about 1k taking me on a holiday with another friend, but I recently found out that all of that money is now gone, with nothing to show for it. 

I love this woman so much, I really do. And technically I have the money that I could give to her but none of this is sitting right with me and I hate the position that I’m now in. I feel if I say yes, I’m just bailing her out and there’s a chance she may not be able to pay me back. If I say no, I feel it could damage a friendship that I really really value so much.

How do I handle this? Am I being a bitch, should I just give her the money?

and lets be practical for a moment.

She is asking you because she cant go anywhere else. First thought would be to go to the bank surely? Applying for a loan can be done and approved online in minutes. If she cant do that its because a) she is a bad risk and/or b) she cant afford the repayments. Both of those things apply to you just as much as they do to the bank.

She is a bad risk and cant afford to repay it, can you afford to give away 2K because that is what you will be doing. Even if you went to court with proof it was a loan, chances of you getting a penny are slim to none.

I’m sorry to say I think she isn’t telling you the full truth.

She desperately wants to get out of this hole one more time, and promises herself she won’t get in it again.
But she will because the original problem that she isn’t addressing will still be there.
You have already listed all the reasons you are cross with her and don’t want to lend her the money.
But what you need to do is admit to yourself that actually she isn’t the friend now, that she once was because she isn’t being honest with you.

I don’t think things can go back to what they once were after this really….inless she comes clean.

By all means meet up with her and be honest with her yourself. Tell her that what she has already told you simply doesn’t add up and until you know everything you can’t possibly help. Ask her if she so depressed that she can’t get up in a morning and log on for work. Ask her why she can’t confide in her BF.

Unless you can afford to say goodbye to the money, don’t risk giving it to her. Don’t prolong the story she is tying herself up with. To really help her you need to know the truth.

She won't tell the boyfriend because he'll want to know exactly how she got in this mess. Lying in bed all day instead of working won't impress him.

He'll do a runner. If I was his mother this is what I'd advise.

I would gift her 500 and tell her to never ask again

She is already trying to change your mind about lending her money. She will not stop until you say no. It doesn't matter why she needs money, you don't want to lend her anymore and that is why you are saying no.

She will always have a plausible reason for needing more handouts but giving in will simply mean she never addresses her underlying problems.

Make it clear you are offering friendship, emotional support and nothing else, or she will keep pressuring you until you give in, and the cycle will start agon.

Do not give her any more money. Not a penny. You are a single working mum. You need to focus on yourself and your DC. Give her nothing, nada, niente. And you don't need to give any reasons or excuses. No more.

You've said you cant lend her the money, so why is she still putting her case to you?
She wants to meet in person because she knows it'll be harder to say no to her face to face.

Your friend is taking the piss! Don't lend her another cent.

I'm thinking she's a fan of coke. Then again I'm suspicious as feck!

If she tries to get more money out of you, I'd say something like:

"I'm sorry, I won't be lending you any more money going forward. If this were to continue, I could see it putting a strain on our friendship - I don't want that. Would it help for us to sit down together to go through budgeting/make a plan?"

Maybe have a list of organisations ready that might be useful for her e.g. debt advice, mental health support etc.

If she's really your best friend, I'd ask her everything you've written here. And I'd want real answers before I considered giving her anything.

My initial reaction is she has no job.

I've never ever heard of any company being so accommodating, topping employees up (whatever that means) and allowing them to take holiday etc at short notice.

What kind of work is this?

Unless you have proof she's actually working, I'd assume she's not.

Well that's a mistake for a start, my Dad always said never let anyone know how much money you've got - that's no-one's business but yours.

But, as a PP said just because you have the money doesn't mean it's 'spare' - you've worked for and saved that money for you and your child - what if you really did need a new boiler tomorrow, or a new car or whatever.

You said the LAST loan to her was the absolute last one, now this will be, if you do it.......there'll always be another request OP, always. And how much longer can the friendship survive that?

Apparently her work has been topping up her wages when she has again not been logging in and now their policy has changed and she need to pay this back so will lose 2 months wages.

Topping up her wages?
What exactly does that mean? I've read that part 3 times and can't understand what she or you mean.

Why would they be paying her any 'more' when she's not logged into their system and doing any work.

It's all lies and you seem unable to see it.

Whether you lend her the money or not is your choice, but I can tell you, you are more likely to lose her as a friend. if you lend It to her

Keep your money and tell her "No". If she is a true friend she will be upset, but accept it. If she breaks your friendship at least you will still have your savings.

If you really need to back out of the "but you can afford it" question then tell her you actually have a direct debit to a trust fund for your child for his Uni fees and that therefore your savings are nearly what she seems to think they are.

I've never ever heard of any company being so accommodating, topping employees up (whatever that means) and allowing them to take holiday etc at short notice.

Right? I'd like to know if they're hiring. Sounds cushy... and too good to be true.

But I'm the cynical sort.

I disagree. The OP doesnt need to lie.

Simply to say "I do not have money that I can lend to you" "But I know you have loads of savings" "I do not have money that I can lend to you". Keep shutting it down. "but why?!" "Because I dont have it"

With people like this, for every reason you give them why you cant/dont want to, they will come up with 3 more why you could/should.

Honestly, cut ties with this person. They are not being a friend. I'm so sorry but there seems to be some element of emotional blackmail being used here to try and manipulate you.

Just because you have the money, does not mean she can claim it. Her problems are her issue and she won't change until she is ready to do so. This most recent request for money, will not be her last.

I hope you can take a break from the friendship to work out if it is healthy and good energy for you. Supporting friends is important, but it's you that decides the support you can give. It is not for her to decide you can be a personal bank for her.

Op if it were me I'd say I can only afford to give you 500 , I can't give anymore. And In my mind that's my holiday gift paid pack to her and if she don't pay it back leave it be so she never asks again. I know this way will we met with raised eyebrows but it could be the way to end all this without having to continue for years with this money issue. 500 is a lot to write off but if you can afford to chance her not paying you back just risk it with this small amount.

if she doesn't like and/or is not capable of doing her job, why hasn't she bothered to find something more suitable, rather than taking the piss out of you, and by the sound of it, her employers?

Why would you subsidise the unpaid leave she took from the (amazing, supportive wonderful) job she wasn’t doing?

She was onto what sounds like a really great thing with her employers and she’s royally stuffed it up and now wants you - a single mother who budgets carefully and has a child to consider first and foremost - to bail her out. But won’t ask her wealthy BF for help. Be on high alert OP for the first sign of her trying to get you to bail her out after all when you talk things through some more - draw your boundaries and be ready with your answers!

She’s not been doing her hours but got paid for them so now she has to pay this back. She’s a cf and a liar. She’s no friend to you. Time to tell her get lost.

Well done you but you have a child approaching the end of school and may want to go to university with all the expense that that entails.

I would say to her that you're now saving for his education fees, accommodation, living expenses etc so you're no longer in a position to lend money to anyone. His future has to come first. That's perfectly reasonable (to me anyway) and not something she can challenge.

but then she cant go on holiday with her partnerif its suppose to be bailing her out of work repayments

but i bet she still goes

i have a single mother close friend, wouldnt dream of asking er to lend me any ofher savings