Not to loan my friend 2k

[HelpAGirlOut1234]

I need help. Feel like I’ve been put in a really awkward situation and o don’t know what to do.

I have a best friend, Jane. We have been best friends for 12 or so years and have been there for each other through thick and thin. For context she is living by herself with no children but has a BF of nearly 5 years, I am a single Mum to 1 teenager.

Jane started a WFH job about 1.5years ago and has had nothing but trouble with it. The job is great imo, comes with a good salary and amazing benefits and they have been unbelievably good to her. I also have a good job, making more than Jane by maybe 15k but don’t have the same additional benefits.

Her mental health has deteriorated during the course of this role and I personally don’t think that WFH full time suits her. She started asking me for money about a year ago, there was a period where it was between 200 and 500 every month for about 5 months. She always paid it back the following month but I just didn’t understand where her money was going. Except going on holidays, dinners out etc with a well paid BF who I think she’s trying to keep up with.

She eventually came clean with me last year that she wasn’t logging in for work on a regular basis. There is flexitime, unpaid leave and last minute holidays available in her role so she was just calling in last minute, sometimes for up to a week and just staying in bed from what I can tell so she needed the money to make up with loss in salary every month. I eventually told her one month that I couldn’t help, that things were tight for me and the requests stopped.

She has sought some help with her MH, has been taking various antidepressants. I’ve been there for her without question to help with all of this. One thing I have encouraged her to do is to speak to her BF as she hasn’t told him about any of this. He would text her or call to the house asking how her day was and she would respond as though she has been working all day. I really don’t agree with this, I think it’s not fair on him to keep this from him but it’s not my place to make a deal out of this. All I know is that if a partner of mine was lying to me like this, I wouldn’t want to be with them. But again, not my place.

I’m just back from holidays with my son, a holiday I saved for all year. The day before I left she sent me a long text essentially asking for a loan of 2k which she will pay back in instalments. Apparently her work has been topping up her wages when she has again not been logging in and now their policy has changed and she need to pay this back so will lose 2 months wages.

She said she went to the bank for a loan but that they refused saying she would need 6 months of full payslips. She said she can’t ask her partner as he’s currently building a house and his outgoings are monitored for mortgage.

I have serious issues with all of this:

◦	Why was I fronting her money last year if her wages were being topped up? How was she broke then? 
◦	How can a company just change their policy so quickly and stop all of her wages for 2 months. 
◦	Surely if they were topping up her wages, then she HAS 6 months of full payslips?
◦	I seriously doubt her BF bank is monitoring his outgoings that much when the mortgage has already been approved. He also earns a 6 figure salary. I believe she just doesn’t want to come clean to him. 
◦	I’m a single mother and have been for over 10 years. I have raised a child on far less than she’s being paid without maintenance payments. Where is her money going? 
◦	To ask me the day before my holiday for this loan and then to follow up with me when I was on holiday this week I felt was a shitty thing to do.
◦	She has had disciplinary action taken at work due to her absences and I’m not 100% sure how secure her job, or ability to pay me back is. 
◦	She had a payout of 70k about 4 years ago from an accident. She was very generous and spent about 1k taking me on a holiday with another friend, but I recently found out that all of that money is now gone, with nothing to show for it. 

I love this woman so much, I really do. And technically I have the money that I could give to her but none of this is sitting right with me and I hate the position that I’m now in. I feel if I say yes, I’m just bailing her out and there’s a chance she may not be able to pay me back. If I say no, I feel it could damage a friendship that I really really value so much.

How do I handle this? Am I being a bitch, should I just give her the money?

OP, I think you should get this thread deleted now. If your friend sees it it will be obvious.

OP you said yourself.
She knew I would never be able to go on a holiday like this in good conscience being a single Mum. While I could probably afford it, I have other priorities.

You do have other priorities. You are a single mum with a teenager. It sounds like you have helped her out financially before too.
You are not her parent.
It is enough to be her friend. You don't have to pay her way.

You think she wants to spend it on a luxury holiday for heavens sake, so that she can continue to hide her situation from her boyfriend! So the answer must be no.

£2k that you never get back could go a very long way in helping your teenager. They will have all sorts of expenses coming up. when they are about to leave school. Your Teen is your priority not your friend

I'd be wary that she will not have given up hope of receiving the money. You will have a difficult line to tread. But prioritising your child doesn't make you a bad friend/person.

She obviously knows way too much about your savings and financial habits and is taking advantage of this.

Just because you have savings in the bank, dose not mean you can afford to lend her some. Having savings in the bank are usually there for a reason. What if you take ill and need a lot of time off work, or your DS, what if you have a major house bill that comes through, what if an opportunity comes up for your son and you can’t afford it because you gave your savings away. In the last 2 months we’ve had our boiler pack up unexpectedly and car needed a new suspension. None of these things were planned, but we are able to fix straight away as we have savings, just for these occasions.

The holiday she paid for, I think people are being extremely unreasonable. That was a gift, you don’t take a gift back or expect money for a gift. It was at a time she had a lot of money, and the gift covered you and a third person. It is definitely clouding your judgement and should be ignored.

You have done loads, lending her lots of money in the past and trying to help her sort her shit out. You can only do so much.

Do you know if she’s also borrowing from others? What about this other lady she took away, is she asking her for money too?

I think you need to draw a line under the money, say no, I’m no longer in a position to help you financially. I will happily help you get your budget in order and be a shoulder to lean on, but you can’t help her financially any more.

I think you are being too soft, she's going to take another run at the money.
She's put in all that work tapping the seam and she's going to go for the motherlode.

Tell her no . She can get a credit card and if she can’t then it’s a sign she already destroyed her credit rating and your won’t get your money back . You have been plenty good to her . Don’t risk yourself anymore

Never lend money to a friend. It changes the relationship. It's a total no

College might be free but kids still have living expenses and travel costs. Depending on where they live they might need a car or accommodation

But ultimately Op is off her head if she lends out that money. It's a lot of money to lend out.
It's also well known that some borrower will borrow return, on repeat building trust, before they eventually don't return.

I had a thread on here , same kind of friendship , lent her 4K over a few months
fought and fought to get it back and there is still a fair amount outstanding
pretty much everyone said oh she is on drugs or gambling, I wouldn’t believe it , but asked around and wow massive gambling prob

20 yr friendship gone , but no going back now
pm me if u want

my advise is don’t do it

I think the message you sent was great and I totally get why its got your back up when she has been clearly very frivolous and irresponsible with her money and job. You don't owe her any explanation but should she push it further or raise the money she spent taking you abroad be very clear with her. Firstly, the money she spent was a gift when she was in a better position. Its unfortunate that she is no longer in a good position but you have your own responsibilities and cannot put your financial security at risk to bail her out again especially when the bail outs are not fixing her issue.

There is nothing unreasonable about keeping your savings for you and your son as a safety net. Point out to her that her lack of safety net is what has put her in this position...would she really want to put her friend and son at that same risk of not having back up finances if things go wrong.

Sadly, whatever is going on with her I imagine it will get worse but this is not your problem to fix op. You've done the right thing.

Also by rescuing her you are not really helping her, she needs to log in and work to earn money…

I agree with everyone who has said no. Your friend has established a pattern of borrowing often from you and I would guess she now thinks all she has to do is ask. If you really want to break this pattern, then now is the time to say no. Helping has turned into enabling and she will not change unless she has no choice. She is an adult and has to learn how to manage within her means. If she ends the friendship, it will be her loss.

This is why I wouldn't lend her anything. She's lying to you about whatever and thinks you're a soft touch. Because you have been.

No more - if it were me.

Sorry, I can't help with the money (insert made up reason if you really have to but much better is the that doesn't work for me of MN fame) but I am happy to look through the Martin Lewis website with you and look at some ways to improve your finances.

Sometimes the more you help people the less likely they are to take responsibility for their situation. I think you know this and you will be doing the right thing to not help her. Just hard to watch her struggle.

@HelpAGirlOut1234 no no no!! you have just spent all your money on a holiday and are patiently waiting for your wages to go into your bank!

I think because you love Jane, please sit down and speak with her and see how you can help her. Not just money.
There's more to it than just loaning money every now and then. Perhaps she needs that more than the money.

It won't be a wake up call if you bail her out now. she has to sort things out herself.

Also, you have a child, and are a single mum. It's really rubbish that she doesn't feel bad asking you but wouldn't ask her partner. She doesn't care about you as much as you care about her.

Be careful about the 'talk about it more'. It's harder to say no face to face. Especially to someone you obviously care about.

I would say your finances are uncertain and you can not take the risk. Say her boyfriend really needs to help her.

Oh no, I'm so sorry, this is honestly the last thing I can imagine but it obviously is possible. I would be so shocked.

She has text again since to say she promises there is nothing going on, she wouldn't lie to me and that it's just all the unpaid leave backed up. I really want to believe it

Is she gambling?

I was shocked tbh , she was shhh don’t tell anyone’m about tge
miney , but again after the event I found out she owed at least 3 other people money ! And was gambling !
The gambling was massive , had cards in all the local bookies saying she wasn’t allowed to gamble
but then she just went to further afield
so many things that didn’t add up

don’t find out the hard way like I did

Well of course you want to believe it because she is your friend and you want to trust her. But the fact is that she cant be trusted. She isnt being honest with her BF, you know that for a fact, so why would she be honest with you? She has a history of tapping you for cash, she knows you are a soft touch.

Could be living far beyond her means and now the baillifs and debt collectors are at her door, or it could be something like a gambling problem. She is hardly going to tell you about either of those things is she?

I would reply back with "Well thats good to hear, but I really cannot help with the money. Have you spoken to ACAS? Fairly sure that they cannot just demand the money back in one go like that". See what she says.

It doesn't ring true to me - but whether she's telling the truth or not, she shouldn't be asking for loans while still spending like water. She should cut back on her lifestyle for a while, not spend your savings instead.

OP, a good friend doesn't ask friends to lend them money. She's using you.