Not to loan my friend 2k

[HelpAGirlOut1234]

I need help. Feel like I’ve been put in a really awkward situation and o don’t know what to do.

I have a best friend, Jane. We have been best friends for 12 or so years and have been there for each other through thick and thin. For context she is living by herself with no children but has a BF of nearly 5 years, I am a single Mum to 1 teenager.

Jane started a WFH job about 1.5years ago and has had nothing but trouble with it. The job is great imo, comes with a good salary and amazing benefits and they have been unbelievably good to her. I also have a good job, making more than Jane by maybe 15k but don’t have the same additional benefits.

Her mental health has deteriorated during the course of this role and I personally don’t think that WFH full time suits her. She started asking me for money about a year ago, there was a period where it was between 200 and 500 every month for about 5 months. She always paid it back the following month but I just didn’t understand where her money was going. Except going on holidays, dinners out etc with a well paid BF who I think she’s trying to keep up with.

She eventually came clean with me last year that she wasn’t logging in for work on a regular basis. There is flexitime, unpaid leave and last minute holidays available in her role so she was just calling in last minute, sometimes for up to a week and just staying in bed from what I can tell so she needed the money to make up with loss in salary every month. I eventually told her one month that I couldn’t help, that things were tight for me and the requests stopped.

She has sought some help with her MH, has been taking various antidepressants. I’ve been there for her without question to help with all of this. One thing I have encouraged her to do is to speak to her BF as she hasn’t told him about any of this. He would text her or call to the house asking how her day was and she would respond as though she has been working all day. I really don’t agree with this, I think it’s not fair on him to keep this from him but it’s not my place to make a deal out of this. All I know is that if a partner of mine was lying to me like this, I wouldn’t want to be with them. But again, not my place.

I’m just back from holidays with my son, a holiday I saved for all year. The day before I left she sent me a long text essentially asking for a loan of 2k which she will pay back in instalments. Apparently her work has been topping up her wages when she has again not been logging in and now their policy has changed and she need to pay this back so will lose 2 months wages.

She said she went to the bank for a loan but that they refused saying she would need 6 months of full payslips. She said she can’t ask her partner as he’s currently building a house and his outgoings are monitored for mortgage.

I have serious issues with all of this:

◦	Why was I fronting her money last year if her wages were being topped up? How was she broke then? 
◦	How can a company just change their policy so quickly and stop all of her wages for 2 months. 
◦	Surely if they were topping up her wages, then she HAS 6 months of full payslips?
◦	I seriously doubt her BF bank is monitoring his outgoings that much when the mortgage has already been approved. He also earns a 6 figure salary. I believe she just doesn’t want to come clean to him. 
◦	I’m a single mother and have been for over 10 years. I have raised a child on far less than she’s being paid without maintenance payments. Where is her money going? 
◦	To ask me the day before my holiday for this loan and then to follow up with me when I was on holiday this week I felt was a shitty thing to do.
◦	She has had disciplinary action taken at work due to her absences and I’m not 100% sure how secure her job, or ability to pay me back is. 
◦	She had a payout of 70k about 4 years ago from an accident. She was very generous and spent about 1k taking me on a holiday with another friend, but I recently found out that all of that money is now gone, with nothing to show for it. 

I love this woman so much, I really do. And technically I have the money that I could give to her but none of this is sitting right with me and I hate the position that I’m now in. I feel if I say yes, I’m just bailing her out and there’s a chance she may not be able to pay me back. If I say no, I feel it could damage a friendship that I really really value so much.

How do I handle this? Am I being a bitch, should I just give her the money?

fWIW I’ve never lent money to a friend, because my friends would not ask, and neither would I. Adults have to sort themselves out. She’s not a friend, she’s taking advantage of you and manipulating you. Do not lend her any more money.

Just say you’re genuinely worried she’s getting herself into a sticky situation with money and you don’t want to encourage it because you care for her.

She was very generous and spent about 1k taking me on a holiday with another friend,

If you have the amount of money that she spent on you to go on holiday give her that.

Don’t lend her any more money

She sounds really, really bad at managing her money. If she was borrowing and repaying on a monthly basis, it was more like she was living partially off your salary than borrowing money.

She also sounds dishonest- how she is with her partner and employee and as you suspect, you too. To me it looks like one of those situations where she has got herself into such a hole if you get the money back at all it will be in instalments over a long time and she’ll probably ask for more along the way.

Absolutely do not do this. She's been taking the piss for years.

Is she your friend or not? £70k isn’t a lot of money, but she needs to budget her money a lot better because £70k is enough to feel like you have it then get a shock when you realise you definitely don’t. I know that from experience, I’ve said all that to say;

Loan her the money if she is your friend, or give her £1k.

I work with pathological gamblers. She may not be losing money like that - but you can lose a lot through bingo and gambling companies make it very very very easy to bet.

I think it is highly likely that she has had a taste of not working and being able to scrape by while being in complete denial that this will not last for ever. The clue is the comment about not cut out for full time work - who the fuck would work full time unless they had to?

This

If you keep on saying no I bet anything she backs away.

It's really shitty burdening you when you're away.

Tell her how expensive teenagers are too.

She has been lying to you and treating you like shit for years, you are paying her to skive off work, giving her your own money that you earnt, that is for your family. Its upsetting you cannot recognise how much of a terrible person she is to do this to you, ever, not just for so long. She isn't a good friend, its an emotionally abusive manipulative relationship that you are paying for, give me more money so I can not bother working and go on holiday again. She isn't honest, she is using you, horribly. Never ever give or lend anyone money, ever again, you have been used and she will never stop asking you. You are supplementing her income out of your own, its not kind, or noble or caring, or doing the right thing to help her, she is damaging you and your family life, its not safe.

And of course you are free to disagree but your version is just as open to her rebutting it - giving some context as to why you don't have the money - because it's gone somewhere else, may be an easier answer to adhere to than just "I don't have it" if it's clear you do. Whilst the OP shouldn't have to account in any way for what she does with her money sometimes giving a definite, unquestionable resolution to 'why' is easier and more finite than not.

I’m with this - if you have £2k spare, it needs to go in a savings account for your teen - uni, a house deposit, first car, whatever. Put it where it’s unavailable for her to borrow it. It should not go to a friend who has boundary issues with her finances. She may not have an ‘addiction’ issue per se, but if she has some compulsive spending/money issues surrounding her partner.

I dont care who its relevant to, I was asking for myself. And I've had 6 thanks to my original comment fyi

@Nuttyputty I didn't spot that.

You shouldn't need to pay back unpaid leave, as it's unpaid? Not sure I've ever hear of a policy change that is retrospective and requires an employee to pay money back. While I think this is all fibs, advise she needs to discuss the inability to pay back with the employer she says she has. You haven't seen any proof of anything she says, so can't believe it until you do because of her behaviour causing doubts.

She will still try and find a way to get money. That was a very brief reply to your heartfelt message and not conclusive. Please try and look at this as if you were giving advice to a friend in your position. Take the emotion out of it and consider the facts.

I think she doesn't have a job, or any money, therefore she needs to look for help from official sources. You can support her emotionally but not financially. Emotional support is about helping her find the answers, not taking on any responsibilities for her situation.

Just a thought, could she be online gambling? I can see the signs, Hooe I'm wrong, but it's become much more common. Xx

Haven’t read the whole thread, apologies. We loaned a ‘friend’ 4k to be paid back within a month she told us- took 2 years of lies and manipulation. Very stressful and destroyed the relationship, especially when we found she was scamming mutual friends too.

I wish we’d said no we can’t loan you 4k but we can gift you a grand, based on she’d been a ‘generous’ friend. We could then have drawn a line with no expectation of repayment.

I do see what you're saying but ime (sadly extensive)once they know that there is money somewhere theywill push and push. Saying "no, I don't have it" means there is nothing to dig for.

This isn't a friend, this is a leech.

Why has she been taking the piss. I understood she borrows then pays op back? Have I got this bit wrong ?

Remind me so much of friend who was often asking for borrow, or advance and the reasons were detailed but made no sense. Borrowed my car, damaged it and said got MOT and repair but hadn’t. In the end, we fell out over money & car because she insisted she paid back but had not.
Bumped into her parents, they had fallen out too - over money. We compared the “reasons” for borrowing and they were odd too (identity theft, changing banks, employer screwing out of money, payroll mistakes etc).

Compared amount borrowed and not paid back to me, & parents and fact she had a job and lived in flat with partner whose parents owned the flat.
We could not figure out where the extra money was going, drugs? Gambling? Boyfriend charging her high rent?
Anyway, never figured it out & out of pocket ££, car repair, MOT.
I think she just liked my money.

100% agree with this.

I’m an American—is there a problem with that?

You very likely can’t.

Tell her you can’t afford it. If you lose her as a friend that’s her fault. Not yours

Well, trust me, if the BF is building a house 2k will be like a drop in the ocean so I agree that is not the reason she isn’t asking him for the money.

I actually think she’ll he relieved you said no (eventually). It’s always hard to confront a problem and you’ve been giving her an out for too long. Whatever is going on needs to be dealt with properly and you lending her any more money is not the answer

I think that anyone who always asks to borrow money over and over is taking the piss.

Last night I got subbed £10 from an old friend which he wont get back. Because I subbed him a tenner last week, so we are even. All good. I wouldnt go to him, month after month and treat him as my personal overdraft, anymore than he would me. The most we have owed each other is a couple of pints or a tenner here and there which are usually forgotten about as they even out over time. Constantly going back and asking for £50 screams bad money management not the occasional "Oh bugger, they only take cash and I dont have any".

People who are always on the phone asking for "just" £20 or £50 or £100 will inevitably at some point ask for a big loan. Seen it IRL and on MN too many times. They are takers and the identify the givers early on, paying back the small loans is simply them proving their "credit worthiness" with the sucker they have identified.

I think your message to her was kind and supportive.

However, don’t loan anyone any money that you’re not prepared to lose.

I think she’s going to try and persuade you to “lend” her the money. If you give her anything not only will you never see it again but you’re just perpetuating the problem. She’ll only be back in a month or two wanting more.

She has decided that she doesn’t want to work full time and has decided that you’re going to bankroll that. You need to stop this right now for both of you.