Not to loan my friend 2k

[HelpAGirlOut1234]

I need help. Feel like I’ve been put in a really awkward situation and o don’t know what to do.

I have a best friend, Jane. We have been best friends for 12 or so years and have been there for each other through thick and thin. For context she is living by herself with no children but has a BF of nearly 5 years, I am a single Mum to 1 teenager.

Jane started a WFH job about 1.5years ago and has had nothing but trouble with it. The job is great imo, comes with a good salary and amazing benefits and they have been unbelievably good to her. I also have a good job, making more than Jane by maybe 15k but don’t have the same additional benefits.

Her mental health has deteriorated during the course of this role and I personally don’t think that WFH full time suits her. She started asking me for money about a year ago, there was a period where it was between 200 and 500 every month for about 5 months. She always paid it back the following month but I just didn’t understand where her money was going. Except going on holidays, dinners out etc with a well paid BF who I think she’s trying to keep up with.

She eventually came clean with me last year that she wasn’t logging in for work on a regular basis. There is flexitime, unpaid leave and last minute holidays available in her role so she was just calling in last minute, sometimes for up to a week and just staying in bed from what I can tell so she needed the money to make up with loss in salary every month. I eventually told her one month that I couldn’t help, that things were tight for me and the requests stopped.

She has sought some help with her MH, has been taking various antidepressants. I’ve been there for her without question to help with all of this. One thing I have encouraged her to do is to speak to her BF as she hasn’t told him about any of this. He would text her or call to the house asking how her day was and she would respond as though she has been working all day. I really don’t agree with this, I think it’s not fair on him to keep this from him but it’s not my place to make a deal out of this. All I know is that if a partner of mine was lying to me like this, I wouldn’t want to be with them. But again, not my place.

I’m just back from holidays with my son, a holiday I saved for all year. The day before I left she sent me a long text essentially asking for a loan of 2k which she will pay back in instalments. Apparently her work has been topping up her wages when she has again not been logging in and now their policy has changed and she need to pay this back so will lose 2 months wages.

She said she went to the bank for a loan but that they refused saying she would need 6 months of full payslips. She said she can’t ask her partner as he’s currently building a house and his outgoings are monitored for mortgage.

I have serious issues with all of this:

◦	Why was I fronting her money last year if her wages were being topped up? How was she broke then? 
◦	How can a company just change their policy so quickly and stop all of her wages for 2 months. 
◦	Surely if they were topping up her wages, then she HAS 6 months of full payslips?
◦	I seriously doubt her BF bank is monitoring his outgoings that much when the mortgage has already been approved. He also earns a 6 figure salary. I believe she just doesn’t want to come clean to him. 
◦	I’m a single mother and have been for over 10 years. I have raised a child on far less than she’s being paid without maintenance payments. Where is her money going? 
◦	To ask me the day before my holiday for this loan and then to follow up with me when I was on holiday this week I felt was a shitty thing to do.
◦	She has had disciplinary action taken at work due to her absences and I’m not 100% sure how secure her job, or ability to pay me back is. 
◦	She had a payout of 70k about 4 years ago from an accident. She was very generous and spent about 1k taking me on a holiday with another friend, but I recently found out that all of that money is now gone, with nothing to show for it. 

I love this woman so much, I really do. And technically I have the money that I could give to her but none of this is sitting right with me and I hate the position that I’m now in. I feel if I say yes, I’m just bailing her out and there’s a chance she may not be able to pay me back. If I say no, I feel it could damage a friendship that I really really value so much.

How do I handle this? Am I being a bitch, should I just give her the money?

I have not read all the replies - I would be curious on why she needs this money every month. I would suspect drug or gambling addiction.

Honestly I'm hoping that the 'we can talk more' is her saying she is open to talking about the situation more, let me in on what's really been happening and talk about strategies for ways out of this.

I can't ever imagine myself asking a friend to loan me money, especially not 2k. There have been times in the past when money has been tight and I'm down to my last £10, or I really needed money for a deposit to rent somewhere. But I've always managed, by being super careful and saving diligently, without asking friends for help. On one occasion ever my Mum lent me some money for a deposit when I was relocating, but that was absolutely a one off and I paid it all back. And I felt very awkward about owing money.

I'd have to be basically homeless and absolutely desperate to ask a friend for money, and with a very clear upfront plan of what the money was for and how I would pay it back, etc. I'm talking absolutely exceptional circumstances that I pray I never find myself in. What she is doing is not normal.

You are worrying so much about you damaging the friendship by not lending to her. But is she even remotely concerned about damaging the friendship by asking for money? It doesn't sound like she is in a desperate situation so as an adult she needs to learn to manage herself and live within her means.

you've done well, stay strong.

She's got used to relying on you, when in truth you need the money more for day-to-day. You need to stay strong now so she has a reason to start building better habits for herself.

My guess is she cannot ask boyfriend because she owes him money as well.

The story doesn’t add up. Don’t even consider giving her a penny.

She used to smoke a lot and she was giving money to her adult third child, but I don't know that that would account for it all.

When I had to empty my mum's house, she asked if there was a cooker she could get. She and her son-in-law would hire a van, get the cooker and help me move anything to my place as needed. (I had one armchair to move to mum's granny suite.)

Then - was there a bed they could get? Her son needed one...

In the end I paid for the hire of the van, though they did transport mum's armchair to my place as requested. They then drove back to hers with my mum's cooker and my late dad's Craftmatic bed.

I was her line manager at the time. What I didn't find out until much later was that she was borrowing money from another two people in my department and - I suspect - from others.

She moved to supply work, but kept in touch. I needed an operation. DH couldn't drive by then, following a stroke. She volunteered to drive me to and from my (day) operation. I was exceptionally grateful - I've no siblings, no kids and when you're a carer your social life shuts down.

She said she'd come and get me and we'd go out for coffees together. Mum (who had dementia) was booked for respite and I was really looking forward to the coffees...

I had already decided to tell her to forget about the money she owed me, as thanks to her for helping me and being so kind.

She told me to phone as soon as I got my hospital date. I phoned.

"Oh, sorry. The girls have dental appointments that day." I finished up ordering a taxi to get me to the hospital and the ward organised patient transport home for me.

I was gutted. I never did hear from her about the days out for coffee...

She contacted me again after I retired and set up a FB account. That was when she said "I've got your money for you."

I knew that the whole sorry tale would just start all over again, so shut it down. (Could have done with getting the money back, to be honest, but it wasn't a huge amount and I'd already taken the loss.)

I'm in Scotland and I say 'fired'. We have lots of kids who go to college rather than uni. They still have living costs.

It's more likely that she was sacked months ago when she started taking lengthy absences.

Another one adding to the chorus of not lending her money.

I think you've been incredibly kind and patient.

Here's a thought - maybe she's not as nice as you think she is?

And? So do americans, thats why I asked.

Sadly I think the PP is right and this will simply be an in-person guilt trip instead of one by text.

You have found it hard to say no via text with the support of MN behind you. How do you think you will manage when she is sat in front of you, turning on the water works?

I think that rather than being a good kind person, I am sorry but she seem manipulative, lazy and selfish.

I’d say to end this friendship. Say that her asking for money has really made you see that your friendship is transactional so from now that you won’t reply to her contact any more. Wish her well and then that’s it.

I hope so too but it's likely she'll raise the issue of borrowing money again. I

Fired is not solely an American term. "You're Fired!" is what The Apprentice failures get told by Sir Alan Sugar on the telly. I can cost a heck of a lot to go to college - it depends on which course, they are not all free. Oh yes, and the OP also uses the word 'holiday' quite a lot.

Besides, the OP's nationality is totally irrrelevant.

I thought you were suggesting that only an American would use the term 'fired' or reference college costs. I obviously misunderstood whatever point you were trying to make.

Haha I never said only Americans use the term fired and 95% of college courses for under 19s are free in the UK.

Its relevant to me.

Work won’t have been topping her up if she hasn’t been working unless she had sick pay and that has run out - she’s not telling you the full story

It might be relevant to you, but not to anyone else.

I’m just back from holidays with my son, a holiday I saved for all year. The day before I left she sent me a long text essentially asking for a loan of 2k which she will pay back in instalments.

Going back to the OP, I wonder if her lousy timing was deliberate. I.e. she thought you might just transfer the money whilst caught up in pre holiday momentum.

Honestly she's not even helping herself a little bit. If you're in debt then you cut back. No holidays/new clothes/new car/sky etc. Any thing you give her will be spent on rubbish, it won't help her at all. She needs to tell her boyfriend that she's in debt, and can't afford to go on any holidays until its paid off.

There is sick pay that has run out. I'm not 100% on the ins and outs of it but they've said they're not paying anymore sick pay for the rest of the year. And now this policy change means that she has to pay back whatever top ups she's been getting for unpaid leave? I'm so confused by it, none of it makes sense to me.

Where is the incentive for her to wake up and change her behaviour if she knows you are always going to be there to bail her out? Time to draw a line under this.

She had a payout of 70k about 4 years ago from an accident. She was very generous and spent about 1k taking me on a holiday with another friend, but I recently found out that all of that money is now gone, with nothing to show for it.

I wouldn’t be lending money to someone that’s spunked £70k away in 4 years! You will never see it again. She sounds like a liability.

It probably makes no sense as it all sounds very unlikely. No organisation will pay indefinitely if an employee is constantly absent. Even public sector. Flexi time is only accrued by working more than contracted hours. The apparent flexibility to take time off at short notice sounds fishy.

The reason it makes no sense is because its bollocks. Now it may be that she was getting more than SSP, thats not uncommon. But if they changed policy and are now only paying SSP then they cannot back date that and make her pay back money she was given under the old policy.

I would suggest that the truth is that she has claimed the maximum 28 weeks SSP and so is no longer eligible. What she can claim is ESA if she is not able to work at the moment.

Sounds to me like she could work, doesnt want to and cant manage her current lifestyle on the 85 ish quid a week you get on ESA. Especially if she is servicing CC debt from trying to keep up with the boyfriend. Could well be that the £2k is needed because she has debt collectors on her case to be honest, if she is that bad with money that would be my first thought.