Not to loan my friend 2k

[HelpAGirlOut1234]

I need help. Feel like I’ve been put in a really awkward situation and o don’t know what to do.

I have a best friend, Jane. We have been best friends for 12 or so years and have been there for each other through thick and thin. For context she is living by herself with no children but has a BF of nearly 5 years, I am a single Mum to 1 teenager.

Jane started a WFH job about 1.5years ago and has had nothing but trouble with it. The job is great imo, comes with a good salary and amazing benefits and they have been unbelievably good to her. I also have a good job, making more than Jane by maybe 15k but don’t have the same additional benefits.

Her mental health has deteriorated during the course of this role and I personally don’t think that WFH full time suits her. She started asking me for money about a year ago, there was a period where it was between 200 and 500 every month for about 5 months. She always paid it back the following month but I just didn’t understand where her money was going. Except going on holidays, dinners out etc with a well paid BF who I think she’s trying to keep up with.

She eventually came clean with me last year that she wasn’t logging in for work on a regular basis. There is flexitime, unpaid leave and last minute holidays available in her role so she was just calling in last minute, sometimes for up to a week and just staying in bed from what I can tell so she needed the money to make up with loss in salary every month. I eventually told her one month that I couldn’t help, that things were tight for me and the requests stopped.

She has sought some help with her MH, has been taking various antidepressants. I’ve been there for her without question to help with all of this. One thing I have encouraged her to do is to speak to her BF as she hasn’t told him about any of this. He would text her or call to the house asking how her day was and she would respond as though she has been working all day. I really don’t agree with this, I think it’s not fair on him to keep this from him but it’s not my place to make a deal out of this. All I know is that if a partner of mine was lying to me like this, I wouldn’t want to be with them. But again, not my place.

I’m just back from holidays with my son, a holiday I saved for all year. The day before I left she sent me a long text essentially asking for a loan of 2k which she will pay back in instalments. Apparently her work has been topping up her wages when she has again not been logging in and now their policy has changed and she need to pay this back so will lose 2 months wages.

She said she went to the bank for a loan but that they refused saying she would need 6 months of full payslips. She said she can’t ask her partner as he’s currently building a house and his outgoings are monitored for mortgage.

I have serious issues with all of this:

◦	Why was I fronting her money last year if her wages were being topped up? How was she broke then? 
◦	How can a company just change their policy so quickly and stop all of her wages for 2 months. 
◦	Surely if they were topping up her wages, then she HAS 6 months of full payslips?
◦	I seriously doubt her BF bank is monitoring his outgoings that much when the mortgage has already been approved. He also earns a 6 figure salary. I believe she just doesn’t want to come clean to him. 
◦	I’m a single mother and have been for over 10 years. I have raised a child on far less than she’s being paid without maintenance payments. Where is her money going? 
◦	To ask me the day before my holiday for this loan and then to follow up with me when I was on holiday this week I felt was a shitty thing to do.
◦	She has had disciplinary action taken at work due to her absences and I’m not 100% sure how secure her job, or ability to pay me back is. 
◦	She had a payout of 70k about 4 years ago from an accident. She was very generous and spent about 1k taking me on a holiday with another friend, but I recently found out that all of that money is now gone, with nothing to show for it. 

I love this woman so much, I really do. And technically I have the money that I could give to her but none of this is sitting right with me and I hate the position that I’m now in. I feel if I say yes, I’m just bailing her out and there’s a chance she may not be able to pay me back. If I say no, I feel it could damage a friendship that I really really value so much.

How do I handle this? Am I being a bitch, should I just give her the money?

Just say No, in order to lend her money you'd have to go into debt and you simply cannot afford that.

She is having some sort of breakdown, and sadly is a liar (lying to her BF, lying to work, lying to you) if you keep funding her you are facilitating all the dishonesty and lack or responsibility. She has disrespected your friendship by asking further money - clearly her lies and money mean more to her than you.

She will also lose her job soon as she is in a downward spiral, giving her loans (which at some point she won't be able to repay) is just slowing down the inevitable.

I can only say: don't back down on this.
She will not be able to pay it back.
This is someone who blew through £70k in a short amount of time rather than planning for her future security with it.

This. Absolutely not. She needs to run out of funds with no one helping her so she can change her ways.

Okay, this is the response I received.

Thanks for the reply and support love. I totally hear what you're saying. I'll give you a call as soon as we're both free and you're rested from your holiday and we can talk more about it. Love you so much x

That was a great result and you sent a really good message.

I think that’s a good start, priorities for the convo are tell bf, if this job is so bad you must change job, and let’s work on a budget (70k gone in 4 years whilst working……!!!!!)

Sounds a good message both ways.

whilst she has someone to bail her out, there is less of a need to get out of bed and log on for work. It can be very tempting to not work when at home and if she has been able to get away with not working and taking time off from work, it sounds like she has got into a pattern.

if her health is not enough to work full time, then she will have to reduce meals out, holidays, events. As many do.

You're a great friend, OP, that was a fantastic message to send (both sympathetic yet boundary-protecting) and I'm relieved for you that you got a decent response.

I'm also glad you're not lending her the money. I have a good friend who owes me money - not a lot, but more than £50 - and I recently had to say no when they asked for more. We are still friends. But I have to admit, I still feel a bit awkward around her. I'm hoping time will heal it but I also think she's going to ask again at some point. I don't comment on her spending habits but I also can't lend more money to cover those bad habits. Anyway, I'm getting long-winded but just wanted to say I know where you're coming from and, in the long-run I think it's probably less awkward to keep our boundaries up.

So your reply could be 'of course, it would be so lovely to catch up' or whatever is natural to you. But the 'talk more about it' seems like code for she'll ask you again face to face.

So stay strong in that moment. 'Seriously, lovely, I can't afford it. You can't keep asking for money from me because you don't want to work FT or speak to BF, it's not fair. Please don't ask me again'

Also, just pop this in your brain - you have the money because you work for it. You work hard and you spend wisely. You budget. All those are what allow you to have what she's seeing as 'spare cash' but that's your savings. Yours! That you've earned x

I know, and this is why I struggled with how to handle this. I do believe she would help me if I was short and she had the funds to do so and I could technically afford to give this money to her but I just don't think it would actually help her in the long run.

I know she doesn't owe me an explanation as to where the money has gone, and I don't expect one, but I obviously do wonder what choices she has made for it to get to this.

I've made the decision not to lend the money because firstly I'm hurt that I don't think she's being honest with me about what's been going on, I know she hasn't been honest with her BF and I really don't think that's fair on him either. I would be appalled with a partner that lied to me in this way and would immediately end things and I think this has just got my back up a bit.

I'm also just a bit peeved that she can't get herself to login to work. I've struggled seriously with MH issues in the past, only recently came off a pretty high dose of medication. But I've always worked and made money, ive had no choice as I've had a child to raise. And in the long run, it's helped my mental health massively, helped keep me on an even keel.

To say to me she wasn't cut out for full time work is just nuts to me. And for me to think that she's maybe waiting for her life to be easier once she moves in with BF, I think all these things have coloured my opinion of her and it's sad, because I love the honesty of the woman.

She is nothing but a selfish scrounging cf.Say no. It doesn't matter what her company policy is it's not your responsibility to bankroll her bad choices. People like her taking advantage make me mad. Can't ask her rich partner because he needs his money. Well so do you. Tell her to f off. That would be my advice.

Where do you both get that her friend paid for the holiday.The op saved for a year to pay for the holiday with her son.None of this was to do with the friend.

Are you American?

She is going to badger you into giving her that money, you have said "No" what else is there to talk about?

That's a really lovely message back from her.

Just don't be sucked back in.

@IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken they're correct about the holiday PP, see the last point in my OP. I've just come back from holiday with my son this week but she did pay for me to go on holiday with her about 5 years ago when she received a payout. The holiday would have been about 1K spent on me.

Why would you ask @Nuttyputty

Yeah I’m cynical enough to wonder if the talk more is to ask if she’s anything she can give…

I think the response has to be, 'we can talk about alternatives options but I can't lend you money"

This is it @Scattery I don't want to be lending money for these bad habits and choices. It's definitely nothing to do with me how she spends her money but I can't bring myself to lend it thinking it could end up going to a holiday she can't afford or to cover up/not be honest with her partner about her situation at work.

Because you use Americanisms like your son going to college and being fired?

Huh? Kids go to college here and I say being fired?

Can't believe the OP is falling for this stuff. She has said no. Cf friend wants to talk her round. Her game is perfectly obvious.

It doesn't cost to go to college here and fired is an American term. There were others, but I'm not scrolling to find them all

'We can talk about it more' wtf? You've said no! She clearly thinks she can weasel her way back in lol. What a cf.

I would reply with 'looking forward to seeing you! Let's not discuss money though now we both know where we stand, I don't want it to come between us. It's off the table! Love friend' or something.

Set a firm boundary now that there will be no more discussions about money lending or borrowing between the two of you from now on. I think you'll need to have that boundary or she'll just keep bulldozing over you and you'll give in.