Do I lend him the money???

[Strawberryshortgirl]

My boyfriend of 2 years is starting up a new business and has contracts lined up to be started in the next month or so. So he should see payment by end of Q3 this year. In the meantime his savings have been used up and he’s basically ran out of money to support himself. We have both been very careful over the past year, knowing he is setting up the new business, to keep his expenses low and haven’t really done much or gone anywhere in order to save money. We don’t live together.

So now comes the hard part, he can’t afford anything at this point, can’t pay his rent or bills or child support. I have some spare savings. He wants to borrow a reasonably large amount of this until the business pays out. AIBU to hand over the cash to him for a few months? I find the entire this confusing as I’ve never lent money like this before.

No. He needs to find a solution that isn't your savings. It would be reasonable to help him figure out how to do this.

Great big 'no'. Even if you had a legal agreement for the loan, if he's completely broke and has no assets, you can't get blood out of a stone - so there would be no point in suing him, it would cost you more than you'd get back (assuming you got anything back, that is).

He will obviously priorise having a roof over his head and paying child maintenance before paying you back, and if he has no credit record it's an even bigger 'no'. What you have to ask yourself is: could I afford to write off this money? What if the business fails? What if in practice he wants an even larger amount - or to borrow more later? How will this leave you? Will there then be two people completely broke, instead of just him?

To be frank, I think if you give him this savings money then you really can expect not to see it again (and you could probably expect not to see him again for dust, either).

Don't take this the wrong way but where on earth did you get this idea that you're somehow obligated to show love and support by risking your entire financial stability?

How does that even make sense?

What comes across in your post very clearly is the desire to be seen as good and "doing the right thing"

Reframe it. It's not reasonable for him to ask this of you.

If you are going to hand the money over you are likely to lose it. Please don't be so daft.

You have no obligation here.

Please don't do this. You will not see the money again. Even if it goes well, there will always be a reason why he can't repay you.

Why did you post? I think it’s because you know a boyfriend you don’t live with is taking the piss but you’re stuck thinking you ought to “be kind” and hand this dreamer your hard earned savings. You do not need to do that. Not to prove anything to him. Not to prove what a decent woman you are to yourself. It’s your money. You’ve saved it up and you have every right and obligation to keep tight hold of it for your own use/enjoyment/security.

It’s fine to say no. It’s the right and sensible thing to do. Your future self will thank you for going against your wish to save him and to prioritise yourself.

Take heart from the many replies you’ve had.

A lack of planning on his part doesn’t constitute an emergency on yours, as I think the saying goes.

Absolutely all of this. Please take this in, OP. His business adventure and lack of planning is, frankly speaking, nothing to do with you.

I don't quite understand what he has been actually doing day to day for the last year!?!

Feck, NO!

If he has made this commitment without giving a toss about how it will affect his child, what makes you think he's going to worry about you?

Tell him "NO!'.

Or lie if you must and say it's tied up and can't be touched. If his business fails (and most do, sadly) you will lose your financial security.

Don't lend him money due to his poor work ethic, poor forward planning and bad money management 🤔 heed the warnings, OP.

so:

1. he hasn't been in employment for a year
2. you were only going out for a year before that
3. you don't go out anywhere with him
4. he hasn't secured any contracts at all in the year he has been "setting up his business"
5. he's used up all his savings

How much proof have you got that he has actually been trying? Is it usual in this industry to take this long to get contracts? And if it is, why would he leave his previous job before trying to set up. Setting up a business is hard work and usually is a slow burn (I have my own business).

He needs to get a job now and see if these contracts come through or not.

His family don't have anything to lend him, he can't get a bank loan, he's spent his savings, he's got a child to support and rent to pay. OK..... Did he not do any costings or make a business plan beforehand, to work out how much money he would need to start up this new business? He doesn't sound very financially astute, does he?

But if you've made up your mind, which is seems you have, lend him the money.

I can't quite see why you are asking.

I suspect you’re going to hand over your money regardless, despite all the advice telling you it’s a bad idea .

He seems very reckless and in cloud cuckoo land. He should have kept a job going as he has a child to support.

I wouldn’t date a man with kids to begin with but on the off chance I did, I certainly wouldn’t be paying for them. It would give me the ick that he ended up in this situation. It’s very obvious that you keep your income up while you develop your business, that he didn’t realise this and is now happy to borrow money from you is a red flag. You’re not even living together let alone married.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned abuse yet but I wouldn't lend him anything. His actions are showing you all you need to know and they point to a financially abusive relationship. Why should you being going without to fund his lifestyle?

You haven't done much in the past year because of "saving for his business".

You have given him funds because he was sure "his business" would be up and running by now

He has told you he needs help funding "his business" to get it off the ground and that "you would not be supporting him" if you don't lend him money to live in the meantime.

He "hasn't had a job and refuses to get one" but "expects you to bail him out" .

Please don't be a mug OP. Bin this leach.

As so many other people have said - don't do it op! If his business is going to be viable he needs to work out how to solve these problems himself, preferably foresee them before they become urgent like now. If he can't, the business won't thrive and you'll never see your money again. I'd be wary of him even asking me to be honest, it's not a great relationship move on his part...

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be"

No. It really is his problem.
You can cook and feed him dinners to show support, but don't give him your money. I hope he doesn't know about your savings..

It’s an old fashioned word of advice but do not loan what you cannot afford to gift .

I would 100% not deplete your savings or lend/give him the money.

He's had a year of sorting this out whilst not working. That's poor financial planning, which makes his whole business plan suspect from the start. 'Lining up contracts' doesn't actually guarantee an income flow if they don't pay up in a timely manner, as many don't.

THat is not how the real world works: he can't just not work, knowing his money is finite, then ask for yours. And you have zero guarantees you'll ever see it again.

It doesn’t sound any different then covering someone’s gamblings debts. He gambled that he would get contracts and didn’t keep working even part time. It didn’t come off. You would be foolish to sink money into this.

He’s actually been really irresponsible especially to his children. Many people will double run setting up a business with a job until it starts to actually generate money. By the sounds of it, he’s not been working on the assumption of contracts he never had secured. There is nothing to stop him getting an evening/weekend job.

i am of the view that married couples help each other out in good times and bad times but I don’t think you have that same responsibility as a partner who doesn’t even live together.

You would be mad to lend him anything. Presumably, child support and the need to support himself didn't suddenly appear during the time he was looking for contracts. A responsible adult would have applied forethought as to how to pay his bills, and also put in place a contingency plan in case his business plan (does he even have one?) didn't stay on track or faltered for whatever reason.

This is the situation he's now in, and he's looking to you to bale him out. Don't.

Even if the contracts are in place, his income is likely to be patchy. Every business has to plan for late payers, non-payers, and other factors outside their control which could impact on their profits.

Based on what you've said, your bf needs to be encouraged to find employment and to pursue his business venture in his spare time. That way he can meet his bills and ensure some security for his child/children .

He obviously doesn't know how to build a business plan if he's in this situation and didn't realise this was going to happen OR didn't put any fail safes in place. With this premise, I doubt the business will take off and pay for his bills on an ongoing basis. I say this as someone who remortgaged at 27 to start a business, that now turns over six figures a year and has a team of 15. I'm not the smartest business person, but I think someone who approaches starting a business the way your BF is doing, isn't going to have great chances of doing well. Sorry.

Have got asked anyone who cares about you in real life what they think, your friends and family? What did they say? And what's their overall opinion of this guy?

If you're too ashamed to tell them, think about why.

I reckon if he really loved and respected you he wouldn't even ask for your savings. He'd find any other way to get the cash. He presumably has friends?

Plus he'd find a way to see you more often, or at the very least, keep showing how much he cares about you (even if it's just long phone calls or cheap but thoughtful gifts).

As someone who was used this way to my immense cost, let me tell you: even if he's very talented about the thing he's doing, unless he's financially sensible (evidence shows he's not) the business will fail.

But more importantly, what do you really want from a partner?

Don't be daft. Tell him to go the bank and get a business loan. If they won't lend it, it's probably because he's not a good risk

You've known this guy 2 years and for half of that time you have been not going out or away anywhere to save money. You've already been financially helping him out here and there by the sounds of things on a small level.
@Strawberryshortgirl This is NOT your problem or your issue to solve. Your BF took a risk by becoming self employed seemingly without a safety net (ie no significant savings and given up his job) yet now he's giving you a guilt trip hoping you will bail him out.

There should be no confusion here... the financial crisis he is in is entirely of his own making. If his business were totally viable he could of got some kind of business start up loan. Or he could of sought out investors who make a living out of accepting the risks of giving money to new businesses.

if you can afford (and I mean really afford) to gamble away your savings with no guarantee you will be paid back - then you could agree to give him a small amount of money to "tide him over" but I would only consider giving him an amount I was prepared to loose.

New start ups are lucky to break even in the first year.

No.