Slim friend eats minuscule amounts and talks a lot about it

[ChampagneLassie]

my friend is very sweet and lovely in many ways but AIBU to be irritated to point of not wanting to see her, at least in context of eating. With a small child and work I rarely eat out, we went for lunch today in a nice restaurant. She spent ages deliberating then ordered a tomato salad and bread. No main. No desert. I had a main, side and desert and actually I’d have liked a starter but felt I should only get one course. It just took the fun out of it for me. And she enthused so much about how amazing her tomato salad was it seemed really OTT. She also mentioned her pettiness several times. I’m a slim 10 normally but pregnant and happily eating all of the things. AIBU to be irritated by this?

Yanbu...sounds like she has an eating disorder tbh.

Petiteness not pettiness 🤣

I hope she at least had the decency to drink too much wine while you were enjoying your meal!

I agree that would be a bit annoying. Enjoy the rare meals out, and concentrate on the friendship. The next time you meet, can you ask someone else along?

So did she talk a lot about the thing she was eating, or talk a lot about not eating much as your thread title suggests?

I like my food and could happily talk about it. I would think it bizarre if you didn't want to see me because I ordered something I enjoyed that happened to be two smaller dishes .

Hmmmm you might be right. I wonder how I raise that sensitively? She had lost weight too

I have a friend like this. It makes me uncomfortable going out with her as I feel she judges me!

It's sad as she has so little energy and despite being three times her size (or so I feel) I am much more lively than her. She does have about 6 coffees a day and lots of green leaves and green soup. I imagine her bowels to be on point.

Both! Mentioned she’d not had breakfast and went on about eating small amounts in general / this meal specifically.

You don't.

Just like you hopefully wouldn't if she had 3 courses and 5 sides.

Yes, it's socially awkward to eat by yourself with someone else present. It absolutely does take the enjoyment away.

While nobody should be forced fed, she could have had a black coffee or something while you had your dessert.

Don't meet her for food again!

Can fully relate to this as my mother is the same. And would be SHOCKED at me ordering a side AND a dessert and spend the whole time commenting on the portion sizes and talking about other peoples weight.

Not sure if I could talk enthusiastically about a tomato salad and bread at any length and I say this as someone who really likes my food.

You wouldn’t say anything if you thought your friend might have developed an eating disorder? I mean I was miffed about our lunch but if she’s ill and struggling I’d want to think I could be a friend to help

I had a friend like this. I always felt like I had to order the smallest dish on the menu. She'd make comments otherwise. "How are you going to eat all that" "You can't still be hungry" "Why are you eating again" "that's a very processed lunch". She always talked about how thin and small she was too. Very tiring.

She didn’t say anything critical of me. It was more just…sucking the joy out of it for me. I’d have like a starter and a main and enjoy the lunch.

Not based on her ordering a salad and bread and really enjoying it, no.

If you genuinely thought your friend had an eating disorder, I suspect your thread would be about that, and not her taking the fun out of your lunch.

Performative undereating. My mum suffers with it too. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was only the “I have an appetite like a bird” comments but going on about what everybody else is eating too “gosh you’re hungry” or “look at that huge pile of chips” or the shame challenge “you’ll never eat all that” and faux surprise if you do is wearing 🙄

Avoid her around mealtimes and go for a glass of wine instead!

I certainly feel very uncomfortable when people go on about how little they "can manage" or constantly refer to what they "are allowed" - it's really not interesting and suggests an unhealthy obsession with food and a need for either praise or a way to"keep themselves in line".

One of my relatives does this and the rest of us now roll our eyes about her as its so silly. She plainly has a disordered relationship with food but she's been like it for ages and while she's a bit weedy, she does seem to be a reasonably stable weight so we aren't massively worried.

There's always several of us enjoying our meal though so we don't feel awkward. I can imagine being on your own eating normally while the other person was eating nearly nothing would have felt very awkward, I do think it's rude. I wonder if she was trying to convince herself or you of what a hearty delicious blowout she was enjoying there?

I'd meet for a walk or go to an exhibition/garden next time. The tea and cake can be a brief interlude of awkwardness rather than dominating the whole get together

She didn’t say anything critical of me. It was more just…sucking the joy out of it for me. I’d have like a starter and a main and enjoy the lunch

@ChampagneLassie try not to think about it just in terms of how it ruined your experience as she clearly had an eating disorder or the beginnings of one

How can you support your friend? Maybe suggest activities that don't involve food and try to find out what's going on for her that she feels the need to be so controlled about food.

I also wonder whether she has an eating disorder. I’m not sure I have advice for you. I think it can be difficult to raise because are sensitive about it and may be trying to hide it. I know some people with eating disorders find eating out a bit stressful even in recovery. I try not to play into comments too much or at least comparisons. So I might comment on my food or be pleased for them that the salad and bread are nice, but I wouldn’t entertain anything about them being good or attach value judgements to the food. I think an eating disorder can lead people to be very wearing about food when you eat with them and you kind of need to let the irritation about it go.

I hardly think that enjoying a tomato salad is an eating disorder!

sounds like you felt guilty ordering more food than her - that’s your issue, not hers!

Should she have ordered the salad, then complained it didn’t look as nice as your food?

I think tomatoes are delicious!

I often have hummus and apple for breakfast - it’s tasty and fills me up until early afternoon.
I tend to do 15 - 20,000 steps and a Pilates class on that breakfast. Do I have an eating disorder too, or am I happy to eat a nutritious and filling meal and enjoy it?

She's small she needs less food than you and has the confidence to chose something that she really likes and suits her appetite

That's the opposite of an eating disorder !

This thread will never go well on here because the site is full of women who clearly have disordered eating but can’t admit it. They view starving yourself as admirable self control.

Are you the OP's irritating friend per chance 🤔🧐

So she didn't pass any judgement on your meal. But your passing judgement on hers. Maybe she just tries ti eat lower calories in the week.

I hate this Mumsnet.
On glass of wine and you're an alcoholic.
But never can we mention food. Ever.

Would you have said the same if alcohol was involved and your friend wasn't drinking and it made you feel bad.

Enjoy your food. Stop being so judgemental and good for her if that's how she chooses to live her life.

There's nothing you can do really...
Just like you can't do much about fixing someone's broken leg...