Slim friend eats minuscule amounts and talks a lot about it

[ChampagneLassie]

my friend is very sweet and lovely in many ways but AIBU to be irritated to point of not wanting to see her, at least in context of eating. With a small child and work I rarely eat out, we went for lunch today in a nice restaurant. She spent ages deliberating then ordered a tomato salad and bread. No main. No desert. I had a main, side and desert and actually I’d have liked a starter but felt I should only get one course. It just took the fun out of it for me. And she enthused so much about how amazing her tomato salad was it seemed really OTT. She also mentioned her pettiness several times. I’m a slim 10 normally but pregnant and happily eating all of the things. AIBU to be irritated by this?

Don't be ridiculous, no-one should HAVE to/feel obliged to have food or drink while another person is eating.

@VestibuleVirgin exactly. Shall we replace food with alcohol and see the responses then...

Sounds like my MIL, she's been controlling her food intake for years. Always declares she's full as an egg after eating small amounts, crowing about how little she eats, commenting on other people's portions/weight etc.. She came to a BBQ and ours once and ate half a sausage, no bread because she was full after eating three salad leaves that morning. It's sad and irritating as she clearly has a poor relationship with food.

Oh hi, you must be my sister!

I know a few people like this and went out with them. It’s very irritating. I think if you are not hungry or don’t eat big portions it’s fine but don’t give me the lecture about how filling tomato salad is and how you are going to skip dinner and tomorrow breakfast (the usual apple and hummus) because of such a big lunch today. Especially don’t give me this lecture when we are in this new restaurant and I’m eating their special burger and I was saving a few weeks for this.

So, are you're a psychiatrist/superperson who can diagnose a disorder based a post by a person who is not the person you appear to be diagnosing?
You are a loss to the medical profession ; fuck 7 years of medical school, just assume based on a couple of sentences

I'm trying to imagine what she says in reference to how petite she is, that sounds very odd.

I really fancy a tomato bruschetta now

Easily

Clearly this annoying, like lots I lost just over 2 stone at 50, I never regained it, much too big.
At nearly 62, I have a good relationship with food, and don’t stress, yes I used to weigh myself every day, no more.
parkinson’s means I’m less active than I used to be, I admit some portions are just too big, no way would a tomato salad and roll fill me up tho

I had an eating disorder for years and I notice lots of competitive under-eating or eating disorder type posts on MN.
I deliberately avoid "what have you eaten today" threads because I feel sure they will attract people with ED and I don't want to get sucked in to that type of obsession again. (And tbh it's probably immensely boring as well)

The point is not that the friend had a smaller appetite or ordered less food, it's that she kept referring to her size and how daintily she ate!

I had lunch with a slim friend recently and decided never again. She refused to order anything. I felt very uncomfortable about it. She said she wasn't hungry and just watched me. Just no fun. Awkward.

She came to our holiday house to stay with us a year ago and gave half her lunch to her partner when we went out and then complained he was fat. He's not really fat either! She called me, DH and her partner "the fatties". We are not slim but neither are we fat. So I'm not happy to see her now. It is difficult as I've known her for over 50 years. When we go to hers for lunch, she leaves nearly everything on her plate but piles loads on everyone else's plates.

Are you aware that 'performative undereating' is just a phrase, not a diagnosable psychiatric condition?!

Mazel 👏👏👏

Of course i am, fgs.
When I used the term 'diagnose' and 'psychiatrist', I was being facaetious, because the immediate announcement that this woman had performative undereating based on a relatives eating habits, is just stupidly ridiculous.

No, I never ever comment on what anyone picks off a menu, except my sister, because I adore her and she's just been told to lose weight because she's pre-diabetic.

And I actively prefer interesting salads to most other food.

I'm presuming you are in the UK...her food choices could be something to do with the weather we've had this week?
When it's warm I prefer to eat lighter things for lunch ...a salad can be light and refreshing. If I'd have gone out for lunch today with a friend I would have had something like that over say a big pasta dish, pie and chips etc.
(Before anyone says anything I'm close to being overweight).

The problem is your friend going on about it so much. That's annoying.

Yes, its definitely the going on about it that's the issue, I'd feel judged and pissed off.

A tomato salad can be a fine thing, if the tomatoes are good, which is unusual in the UK , but just eat it and don't wax large about your teeny tiny meals.

I see the performative undereaters are out in force today...

It's entirely reasonable for you not to eat out with your friend since she really spoiled your enjoyment of the meal and of getting together. I would feel exactly the same.

it's really difficult in terms of talking to someone who has an eating disorder. It tends to meet with denial or attack. It's such a sensitive subject. I would probably just avoid seeing her for food in future. If we were very close, I might say I was concerned and ask if she was okay, but as you can see from some of the responses on this thread, it can go down very badly. ED is a form of addiction and it can feel very threatening to be challenged about it, even in the gentlest of ways.

With a small child and work I rarely eat out

This stood out to me, do you know if your friend eats out regularly?

When eating out has been a rarity for me, I found “I went to town” when I had the opportunity & made the most of it i.e. ordering multiple courses, sides & drinks because it was a one off & more of an “occasion”. On the flip side though, during the times in my life where I ate out regularly, I adapted to eating more in line with what I would on a normal day i.e. a salad & bread would have been a really good lunch option for me.

I’m wondering if it’s just a case of mismatched expectations.

Exactly!

OP for me food is life - don’t bother going out to eat with the friend again!

Eat to live rather than live to eat.

Oh god, she sounds like my MIL. Whenever we go out she eats like a bird, and has to go on about how much food we've eaten and what we have already eaten that day. She may proceed to talk about how much we ate for the rest of her visit. It takes all the joy out of eating out.