Slim friend eats minuscule amounts and talks a lot about it

[ChampagneLassie]

my friend is very sweet and lovely in many ways but AIBU to be irritated to point of not wanting to see her, at least in context of eating. With a small child and work I rarely eat out, we went for lunch today in a nice restaurant. She spent ages deliberating then ordered a tomato salad and bread. No main. No desert. I had a main, side and desert and actually I’d have liked a starter but felt I should only get one course. It just took the fun out of it for me. And she enthused so much about how amazing her tomato salad was it seemed really OTT. She also mentioned her pettiness several times. I’m a slim 10 normally but pregnant and happily eating all of the things. AIBU to be irritated by this?

Frankly you sound very judgy and you don't know what is going on in her life. Maybe she has IBS and doesn't like to eat a lot or maybe she wasn't feeling that well or is short of money. Or she has spent several weeks losing weight and doesn't want to put it all back on. Tomato salad and bread sounds a healthy lunch to me. Maybe she is telling her friends ' we went out for a bite of lunch and my friends stuffed a main, a side and a dessert. To you think she could be bulimic?'

But if the salad person was really happy with their choice why the need for the running commentary?

Mumsnet is mental, that poor sod fancied a tomato salad and bread for lunch (not evening meal) which she really enjoyed but because she didn't want a 3 course meal and watches her weight she has mental health issues?

I agree it's mad.

She basically had a sandwich for lunch.

Something 1000s of people do every day 🤷‍♀️

I have a friend like this. She eats very little and definitely appears to be at the start of an eating disorder.
If we go out though, which is quite regularly, I eat whatever I want to eat. She never comments, we've even gone for breakfast where she has a coffee and I have food!!
Op I think you should have just had what you wanted and let her enjoy her salad.

you are a Saint. anyone trying any of that with me would be dead before they could say salad

Is it just me or does an apple (generally sweet if a bit tart depending on the variety) dipped into a garlicky, savoury substance like hummus sound revolvting?

Anyway. As of the comments about performative undereating yes that does exist on mumsnet, but often so do tales of what some may describe as gluttony that are often met with affirmation and praise.

People talking about their huge sandwiches and favourite junk food and how they love masses of cheese on potatoes/toast etc. I am not saying there's anything wrong with that per se, everyone can eat what they want for me, I just find it odd that people clamp down on those who eat little but not those who admit that they love junk and eat a lot of fat and sugar often.

Being overweight is quite normalised in society. Eating food that only just resembles food is too. Slim people are seen as the exception.

I'm 40 and a size 10/12. I'm quite and toned I'm currently sporting a bit of a belly and I'm extremely annoyed about it. Extra weight looks awful on me and makes me miserable so I am doing all I can to get rid of it before it escalates into a bigger problem.

Having said all this, someone banging on about their petite frame and how little they eat would irritate me. In a casual group setting I'd ignore it but if it were a close friend I'd probably probe a bit further and ask them why they were eating so little, is everything okay, do they enjoy being a smaller body type or such?

I was anorexic as a teen/young adult. I loved feeling light and small, probably a result of childhood trauma and the awful feelings I had from being a fat child. I can relate to that feeling so I'd show some concern. and probably just go for wine/coffee/a walk next time .

That should read 'I'm quite MUSCULAR and toned. Damn 'phone.

There's nothing wrong with a tomato salad. But if you're planning to be a glutton, it's nice to have a partner in gluttony. Just mismatched expectations.

I think what the OP is describing sounds a lot more like the behaviour of someone with an eating disorder than someone who just ordered their favourite thing on the menu and then enthused about it, though.

I have some experience of being around people with eating disorders, and the moment I read the OP's description of her friend's behaviour, it immediately struck me as being exactly like the behaviour of two different people I've known and loved who were suffering from eating disorders. Always ordering something very tiny/low cal and then going way OTT about how great it was is often a way to try and hide the fact that they're under-eating, as is the constant references to being petite.

It's basically this kind of thing:

"On a diet? Oh no, not me! I eat like a horse, haha. I just ordered this green side-salad as a main because they way they serve lettuce here is absolutely to die for, it's SO good. Literally one of my favourite things, it's amazing. And it's a huge portion, look! I'm really small, of course, so I get full really quickly. Did I say how amazing this lettuce is? Seriously, it's so good. Do you want to try some? This is actually a really big portion for someone of my small size, I won't be able to manage it all..."

It's them trying to justify eating very little and to make it sound normal to other people.

as others said I think avoiding meal time engagements helps. I actually told my friend when she asked me to go to lunch that I don't feel comfortable eating around her due to her comments, however I value her friendship and would love to go for a walk, cinema etc

I often have hummus and apple for breakfast - it’s tasty and fills me up until early afternoon.
I tend to do 15 - 20,000 steps and a Pilates class on that breakfast. Do I have an eating disorder too, or am I happy to eat a nutritious and filling meal and enjoy it?

I mean, based on what you've just said and the specific way that you've said it, you do sound like someone who has at least a mild eating disorder, and is in denial about it.

People with eating disorders or food-related obsessions tend to talk about food and eating in certain ways, and I've got quite used to spotting it.

The reason is hardly inexplicable. The friend talked intently about how little she was eating and how petite she is, to a pregnant woman. Hardly scintillating conversation

Many years ago, when I was on holiday with friends, one of them sensitively asked if I had ever talked with a therapist about my eating. It was a big wake up call for me.

This is undereating (if you're only eating that and then expending calories) and you're going to damage your joints as you get older. How can your body repair and grow?

I wonder why it triggers you so much, maybe worth considering.

Pregnancy and the massive physical changes that go with it can be quite a sensitive/triggering time for lots of people.

As of the comments about performative undereating yes that does exist on mumsnet, but often so do tales of what some may describe as gluttony that are often met with affirmation and praise.

I'm surprised that this is your observation of Mumsnet because I've noticed a string of anti-fat/fat shaming posts recently.

I was thinking this too. Eating tiny amounts into older adulthood is really bad for you. Better to eat more and do weight-bearing exercise, to help minimise the risk of osteoporosis.

The more I think about this, the more I think the person who had a salad & a roll for a midweek lunch isn't the one with the issue.

The PP is correct about the praise/affirmation (and often giggling) about overeating.

It's always been pretty 50/50 between that and performative undereating.

I think for most
it's not about a person's appetite or how much they eat
It's more about talking about it telling you how little they eat, how it's a struggle to finish a meal, how petite they are....etc

It is more about the performative element of the lunch rather than what the friend ate.

There is often quite a sanctimonious or self-congratulatory tone which accompanies the well worn phrases about birdlike appetites, being tiny and not understanding how other people can eat so much.

Some of the undereater posts on here have the same tone; and have referred to posters who don’t share their view as gluttons, greedy, stuffing themselves etc. Quite judgemental language.

I wouldn’t even blink if someone ordered a salad or a starter instead of a main for lunch.

I would throw myself under the pudding trolley to get away from the incessant self-absorbed I eat like a bird chat though.