Slim friend eats minuscule amounts and talks a lot about it

[ChampagneLassie]

my friend is very sweet and lovely in many ways but AIBU to be irritated to point of not wanting to see her, at least in context of eating. With a small child and work I rarely eat out, we went for lunch today in a nice restaurant. She spent ages deliberating then ordered a tomato salad and bread. No main. No desert. I had a main, side and desert and actually I’d have liked a starter but felt I should only get one course. It just took the fun out of it for me. And she enthused so much about how amazing her tomato salad was it seemed really OTT. She also mentioned her pettiness several times. I’m a slim 10 normally but pregnant and happily eating all of the things. AIBU to be irritated by this?

I actually think the opposite view is on Mumsnet. All for the good. And judge those who don't go all out for every meal. But no alcohol. Because then you have a problem 🙄

tell her you don't appreciate the comments and you'd like to eat in peace.
I am very naturally thin, and I have friends who are not thin naturally but restrict a lot, and I have many times had to tell them to quit the preachy starvation bragging, about how they eat so healthy and such small portions and whatever whilst I eat what I want. its off putting regardless of someones size or your own size.

Didn't take long for the undereaters to pop up.

The fact she ordered bread and tomato salad isn't the issue, is it? The issue is the running commentary on what she's (not) eating and how dainty she is. That's not a normal meal out with a friend. I mean, we've all had meals out when we've not been hungry or have been feeling a bit under the weather and don't fancy eating much, but you just order what you want and let your dining companiion do likewise. without the endless comments about eating "all that" and how you're stuffed, or couldn't possibly manage, and have such a teeny appetite.

Literally nobody cares.

Actually to answer your question, yes I do think you have disordered eating if you really think an apple (mostly water) and some hummus is enough food to go most of the day on plus do an exercise class and loads of steps....you sound very pleased with yourself but it's really not healthy although I'm sure you know that already ..

For goodness' sake. Going out to a restaurant for a meal and ordering a tomato salad is not normal behaviour. If you like houmous and apple for breakfast good for you. Would you go to a restaurant and ask for that for lunch?

Lots of people do have issues with food and get validation for being thin/eating "like a bird". That is sad. OP, not your issue and don't feel bad for having a normal approach to eating out (i.e. you're there to eat a meal, not a sliced tomato). As others have said, I'd meet this friend for non-food focused activities in future.

In a country with an obesity crisis, it’s easier to claim those who eat less have ‘disordered eating’, rather than realise that constant snacking, eating junk and sugar addiction is itself, disordered eating.
It’s more than what our bodies need and we crave the sugar and fat. This sort of eating is out of the natural order of what’s actually required for health.

Presumably you're having lunch and dinner and not just an apple and an unspecified amount of hummus the whole day?

If you're only consuming an apple and some hummus, and then walking 15-20k steps AND doing pilates then something isn't right and you probably do have an eating disorder...

You don't. As someone who's been there, I doubt she would listen. I know I didn't. There's nothing you can say.

As for an apple and hummus being "nutritious and filling"....

One apple - 52 calories.
100g hummus (half a tub) - 166 calories.

I 'd be stuffed on that until Christmas, tbh.

Glutton. That would see me through to Easter 2025, then I could indulge and have that steamed carrot I've been saving in the freezer from New Year 2024.

I don't order my food to exonerate anyone's choices. I prefer to stay at a size 10 because that's my happy weight, where my clothes fit. So if I want a tomato salad and some olives to pick at, that's what I will order. And I happen to prefer that to sausages and mash or fish and chips. It does not mean I have an eating disorder. It indicates self-discipline.

I agree that it sounds like an eating disorder (the obsessively thinking and talking about food while avoiding eating is a sign) . Anorexia is one of the most dangerous mental illnesses, so I agree that you shouldn't just ignore it. Tricky to know how best to raise it though.

What else do you eat in day apart from your apple and hummus for breakfast though?

Hummus and an apple dunked in it makes a pleasant light lunch. The whole apple and 50g of hummus is great, for me.

I'm just trying to figure out how someone can genuinely enthuse about a tomato salad and bread!

This.
And I enjoy salad. And food. All food. And am a healthy weight. Not an undereater by any means.
But making informed choices as I hit my 40s. Because being overweight doesn't make me happy. At all.
Why are we so quick to call out eating disorders. But only if we under eat. If we over eat Mumsnet, the general consensus is because of past trauma.

But do you offer a running commentary on what other people are eating?

Oh that fish and chips is ENORMOUS, I could never eat ALL THAT, do you know how many calories are in that, I'd be stuffed for a month, my olives and tomatoes are so much better, i'm disciplined and dainty.... and on and on and on

No? Well that's not what the OP is talking about, is it?

Errr. Why does it indicate self discipline?

Who thinks that way about food? What has food got to do with how good a person you are?

Come on. 50 calories in an apple and 80 calories of hummus is less than 10% of your daily calorie intake, give or take. That's not a normal lunch unless you're having 1000 calories for dinner.

Obviously you have a much bigger appetite than your 'sweet and lovely' friend (bit patronising). Why is this an issue for you?
If you dont like her talking about food portions, change the subject.
Not everyone feels they have to stuff their face whether they go to a 'nice' restaurant, an organic knit-your-own-tofu cafe, or the local greasy spoon. Some do have naturally small appetites.
It isn't the law to have 2/3 courses, side dishes, etc. We have a massive obesity crisis in the uk; perhaps you friend feels she doesn't want to be fat, perhaps she merely has a small appetite, which for some inexplicable reason, irritates you.

Tomatoes can be delicious as can bread, and the two pair nicely. I love cold sliced tomatoes on toast etc.

I guess you know she's not the one to ask out to lunch then.
I'd ask this friend to go for coffee, then get another friend to go for a bigger meal.
People have their own eating habits.
A tomato salad and bread sounds nice to me for lunch. I'd only very rarely have my 'dinner' at lunchtime.

@Misthios there actually 80-100 calories in an apple... and more in hummus

Depends how much hummus and the size of the apple surely?

Talking about her 'petiteness' sounds very weird. Like as in, 'oh I'm so tiny, I'm so petite, I'm a size 4, look at my waist, look at my legs etc, aren't they small!?' that's just rude.
If she's saying she's too skinny and sounding negative then it could well be that she's having ED. Maybe just focus on meeting outside of meal times. It's making you annoyed and could be making her act weird if she can't eat normally in front of others etc.