Slim friend eats minuscule amounts and talks a lot about it

[ChampagneLassie]

my friend is very sweet and lovely in many ways but AIBU to be irritated to point of not wanting to see her, at least in context of eating. With a small child and work I rarely eat out, we went for lunch today in a nice restaurant. She spent ages deliberating then ordered a tomato salad and bread. No main. No desert. I had a main, side and desert and actually I’d have liked a starter but felt I should only get one course. It just took the fun out of it for me. And she enthused so much about how amazing her tomato salad was it seemed really OTT. She also mentioned her pettiness several times. I’m a slim 10 normally but pregnant and happily eating all of the things. AIBU to be irritated by this?

The Minnesota Starvation Study noted that obsessive interest in food was an effect of calorific restriction. It is so tedious when perpetual dieters (regardless of size) talk of nothing else.

What's her money situation?

I would often choose to order way way less than friends I'm with - not because I have any opinion on what they're eating, but because I don't want to spend the money. I'd probably enthusiastically rave about my one tiny dish to try and make it clear that I really am happy with my choice.

I know a couple of people with eating disorders who are very similar. The stress of the situation for me is knowing that they are really struggling with eating that food and it makes it hard to sit there enjoying food and chat when you feel so much for the person sat opposite who is in mental turmoil about what they are eating. It does suck the joy out of a pleasant meal out because you feel so sorry for them.

One in particular would go on and on about what a foodie she was, how she loved filling food and how apples would giver her soooooo much energy, aren’t they amazing. But you knew she barely ate anything and that can hard to listen to /make sense of.

I wonder if she's a Mumsnet competitive undereater

I think it requires empathy even if it may be annoying. Sounds like ocd or eating disorder. I wonder why it triggers you so much, maybe worth considering.

I'd just agree then talk about something else. Or go for a coffee instead of a meal.

Yep, the running commentary is annoying and would piss me off. I never do that, regardless how much or little others order. It's not my business and here's just no need.

However, I usually have main only (not salad, a 'normal' main dish). No starters, sides, no desserts. Because I genuinely cannot eat that much food. And I'm not going to apologize for it, if someone feels 'threatened' or 'uncomfortable' by the amount I eat.

Equally I wouldn't feel uncomfortable if my companion ate salad only, I wouldn't care. If they started commenting on my food, I'd ask them to shut it (politely or not, depending).

It's very difficult - it drives me mad when eating with people, okay, women, who do this, as I like my food and enjoy the experience of eating out.

But yes, this must be an eating disorder with a psychological basis, or food texture issues.

I'd say as a friend you're worried about her weight loss and her behaviour around food.

But if she can't open up about it and if you aren't a medical professional yourself, I think all you can do is ask her to find some help and let it go. You do you, enjoy what you love to eat.

I eat like sparrow, can't manage more than one course, I need to watch my weight these are comments about the person saying it

I don't get the need to keep on talking about food but I also don't get this thing where someone needs to feel judged for what others say about themselves

If the person said 'can you fit another thing in?' sure rude maybe but 'I don't want another wine' does not mean they are saying the other person is an alcoholic

Then why didn't you? You're normally a size 10 and currently pregnant. It's not like you're overweight and feeling guilty about it.

I'm a 10 and some people might say I don't eat very much if they saw me eat day to day. But I don't get to eat out very often so when I get the opportunity I eat EVERYTHING

If my slim friend was trying to undereat me and show off about it she'd be sorely disappointed, in fact she'd probably be jealous that I could 'eat so much and stay slim'.

The fact is, one meal isn't going to make you put on weight, so go to town if you want to. You have the perfect excuse of 'eating for two' as you're pregnant and that should shut her up, or you can make a pass-agg comments about lucky genes that she apparently has to watch what she eats and you don't

Tbh if I went out for drinks with someone who didn't drink, and spent the evening telling me repeatedly about how they didn't drink I would be annoyed, and wouldn't sit there drinking.

Also alcohol and food are two very different things. No one needs alcohol, everyone needs food. If someone doesn't drink that's not a concern but someone not eating is.

I'm another saying that the running commentary would annoy me far more than the food choices.

And if I'm planning on eating dinner later, yes, a tomato salad is something I would consider for lunch. And yes, because I like salad, I would probably enjoy it.

100% agree with this. It requires empathy even though annoying. I have a friend like this (although she has openly acknowledged her issues with food which OP's friend hasn't). I used to feel like you OP when I ate with her. Really annoyed by her. I still do feel that way, a bit. But I realised that my attitude was to do with my own issues with food and myself. My feeling of discomfort and irritation stemmed from feeling like I was being greedy next to her. But that's my own 'stuff'. Now I empathise with how difficult it is for her to be this obsessed with food, and I just eat whatever I want when I'm with her without getting too bothered about it. I do prefer to eat with her mainly in a group setting with other, more 'normal' eaters, but it's OK if we're alone.

😂😂😂😂

An apple and hummus is fine but as it is the type of snack that is generally given to preschool children to keep them going between breakfast and lunch, you must realise it is quite extreme!

So you think thin people may have eating disorders but fat people are greedy?

Why waste your precious time with a joy stealer? Life doesn't have to be all about someone else's needs all the time. It's taken me decades to realise this.

Performative undereating is so bloody dreary! It does indeed suck the joy out of meals. It seems unlikely to me that someone with a full-blown eating disorder would be commenting on how little she ate, though - usually ED sufferers try to hide it.

I am a (mostly) recovered anorexic, and would never have commented on people's food, or on my own - I felt intensely uncomfortable if people mentioned how little I ate, and I would always claim to have eaten a huge breakfast, or to have a tummy ache or some other made-up reason for eating tiny amounts. The other ED sufferers I know are the same.

There are salads and salads though. Eg there is a tomato salad at pizza express and it’s 500 calories so if you add in bread at a couple of hundred calories then it’s a good lunch and not starving. Now… there are lots of people who can be a bit performative and wouldn’t be my choice to go out for lunch with if I wanted a pudding. Picking a salad might be careful but not necessarily eating disorder.

I would not judge my friend on the food she ate - I would also be able to enjoy company without matching course for course.

I get this but the other way round, overweight people who are at absolute pains to mention how little they eat and comment on how much others are eating. Often apropos of absolutely nothing - I never eat chocolate me - that's nice to know thanks.

I'm slim .I never and I mean never mention weight to anyone or what I am eating or what I eat in terms of calories or health . I will usually choose what would be classed as a healthier option but will often have a pudding, if I don't want one I will just say i don't want one not talk about calories or being good. Nevertheless I will get "oh aren't you good" well no, me having or not having a pudding does not make me a better person. And I do have to be mindful of what i eat but that is my choice.

I once did a project with a client where the team were all women. Every single time I had lunch with them all they talked about was their diet, weight, what they could have etc. This was over the course of about 18 months - none of them looked any different at month 18 than the day i met them.

I know this is a societal thing and how women are trained to behave.

Having said that, I couldn't imagine how she shoehorned into the conversation her size?! And what did you say back!

Just a thought but I have anxiety. I struggle eating out because my stomach is often a bit 'off' due to anxiety and so I don't want to put a full meal in it in public. I stuff my face when I'm home alone! So I'll often, often order a starter as my main and claim it's all I want and that it's delicious and I'm stuffed or 'not very hungry today' to cover up.

Hummus and an apple for breakfast fills you up till the afternoon? Are you eating a bucket of hummus?

I’ve done that myself sometimes and only in situations where I’m not familiar or comfortable enough with the eating companion. Otherwise I eat with abandon.

Mumsnet is mental, that poor sod fancied a tomato salad and bread for lunch (not evening meal) which she really enjoyed but because she didn't want a 3 course meal and watches her weight she has mental health issues?

I don't tend to eat big lunches either, I prefer a big dinner. Maybe she wasn't anticipating a full 3 course meal extravaganza. Maybe she spent so long looking at the menu because there wasn't much she fancied, and chose a salad because she likes salad and it's warm out? Maybe she jist wasnt that hungry at that moment. She made no comment on what OP was eating at all, there was no judgement of OP.

This is the same as people who drink alcohol feeling uncomfotable because the person who they're with doesn't want a drink.

If OP felt uncomfortable that's their problem. I'd happily have continued to eat a full 3 courses if I'd wanted, which OP did.

YANBU. I rarely get to eat out without the infantry these days, and I certainly wouldn't waste the opportunity on someone like this, but would save it for a fellow glutton who fancied cocktails to start and then the works.

Just meet her for a run or a herbal tea in future.