To be jealous of people having babies outside of a COVID world

[Shaveacave]

My daughter was born literally the day we went into lockdown, 23rd March 2020. Not one person held her other than DH or me until she was nearly 10 weeks old. DH was a key worker so worked throughout so from 2 weeks on DD and I sat at home all day, every day. I had a very difficult birth resulting in an emergency cesarean which seemed to take forever to heal and I wasn't well enough to even get out for our allocated one hour walk a day until DD was 6 weeks old. There was only one 'group' I could eventually attend which was an outside only walk together in a park but everything I had hoped to do; baby massage, baby sign, stay and play, not one of them existed.
We had 3 lockdowns that year, when the third one was announced I sobbed and arranged to go back to work 2 months ahead of schedule because I couldn't cope anymore.

We're obviously fine now. DD is a wonderful, funny, bright 4 year old and I love her more than anything. But I was the first of my friends to have a baby and a few have started their families now and most recently my sister-in-law just had her first baby. And I feel like I'm seething with jealousy at the experience they all get to have that I didn't. My in-laws are going to stay with sister-in-law as her husband is going back to work tomorrow so she won't have to be alone. I couldn't leave my bed the first day on my own and I just sobbed all day. I remember the next day my husband planting food all over the house for me to make sure wherever I found myself I ate something because I literally didn't eat that first day until he got home; the idea of having my Mum there with me to help those first few days on my own would have meant the world to me. And I just feel so sad about it. I work full time, I was always going to go back to work full time, we can't afford for me not to. And now it's just 4 months until DD is in school anyway so that's it, these early years are pretty much behind me and I'm suddenly feeling very sad about it.

I don't really have an AIBU, just ranting I suppose!
I'm so happy for all my friends, I'm beyond thrilled to be an Auntie for the first time!! Truly I am and I don't wish any of them anything but wonderful things. But I just feel a bit sad for me and DD tonight.

I agree @MaryFuckingFerguson. I struggled at the beginning and if I'd not been able to see anyone else apart from DH, I don't know what that would have done to me.

This.

In England it seemed there were many people following things that weren't law. Lots of spreading of misinformation and attempting to control other people.

I know someone who loved being in lockdown with her newborn but I think the massive difference is that her DH was furloughed so they were all at home together.

True!

On exercise specifically, I don't think Gove's comments helped clarify anything.

I hear you OP, my DD was 2 months old when lockdown started and fuck me, it was so hard having no outside help. My DH was eventually furloughed but we both struggled, I don’t understand it when people refer to lockdown as this ‘wonderful’ time and speak so nostalgically about it. Our families live far away from us too so we didn’t even get that experience of seeing people at a distance.

Currently pregnant with my second and I’m looking forward to having a different experience hopefully.

I think you need to allow yourself the time and space and permission to ugly cry and remember how truly awful it felt at the time, how unpleasant your experience was versus how you thought it was going to be and that, no matter what, you now can’t get that time back. It’s unfair and it hurts. You feel sad and bitter watching someone close experiencing those days in a way you wished you could have. It is bringing all of those buried feelings back to the surface.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else’s experience was, or that you could’ve had it worse. You had rightly expected and hoped it would be much better. And you no doubt felt sad, scared, lost and bewildered, as did most of us. Being an isolated new mum on top of that in a world that became suddenly very scary was really tough.

I think we were all so keen to move on from Covid that I don’t think many of us wanted to think about it and revisit the wounds. The repressed feelings come back to bite us.

Find someone supportive to talk it out with in detail, look at pictures from the time to truly remember how bad it was. Cry and cry and let those horrendous feelings out, acknowledge fully that you have every right to feel sad. Only once you’ve really felt the feelings will you be truly able to move past it.

Be gentle with yourself.

Totally understand. 9th March and the next few days they cancelled midwife visits, health visitors and medical appointments.

I feel like my maternity leave was walking and plonking round the house.

Society sells us a vision of what having a baby "should" be like, and when your experience is wildly different from that, it can be very hard to come to terms with. I had twins, traumatic birth, 6 weeks in nicu, couldn't breastfeed as they were too premature, and i developed ptsd.

It took me a lot of therapy to be able to be around other mums who had straightforward births and breastfeeding mothers because it was such a huge part of my ptsd. I also couldn't take my babies to any baby groups because there were two of them and nobody to come with me - i would have loved to do baby massage and all the rest, but all baby groups are set up for singletons. I was incredibly isolated. It's ok to feel the way you do.

@Rainyspringflowers indint disagree and I was never saying that - I don’t have that attitude

for what it’s worth it’s not just about baby groups. I was affected just as much as anyone else, maybe more. I had a difficult pregnancy - husband couldn’t attend any scans or appointments, including the time where we thought baby had died as it took 3 different doctors 3 attempts to find a heart beat on scan. horrendous birth both times, first time my husband only allowed in for a few hours, then because baby was ill on NICU he couldn’t meet her for a few days. My parents didn’t meet her for months. No support. No breast feeding or HV support. I had PND and PTSD and couldn’t see anyone for it,

Similar issues with second . I get it the effect covid had on new mums, I was one of them. But I’m a HCP now seeing the ramifications on older children, and IMO that’s harder to fix.

I think it's because people had wildly different experiences. That comment Madonna made about all being in the same boat with covid was one of the stupidest remarks ever. The experience of both the disease and the restrictions was so varied. Some people did have all the ingredients to have a much nicer lockdown than others, and they didn't always realise their privilege in that respect.

Hopefully things go much better for you this time round!

I'm with you. I thought I was on the only weirdo who in a strange way preferred having my mat leave in lockdown.
It was my second, but I much preferred it to my first. We could stay in pj's all day, establish a good routine around babies needs rather than rushing to baby classes (which I absolutely know now I didn't need to do, but there was a pressure that it was necessary when it really wasnt), meet ups with mums, having a stream of visitors wanting to hold baby when they were over tired and needed to sleep. It was a calm relaxed time for us, and made us re evaluate our priorities and move out of a tiny house in London to a lovely house in a village 20 miles out. All the things we thought we needed, we found out we didn't. But I appreciate other people's experiences were different.

All these scare stories that these babies would be lacking in social skills were unfounded. My 4 year old and all her friends are super sociable,secure happy children. Her teacher says she has never had such a 'well adjusted' class, and I think a bit if that links to having that consistent secure 1 to 1 time with their primary caregivers.

@Giveupnow i am sorry you experienced that but then it does surprise me that you’d dismiss the OPs feelings - and a ‘well I am just so grateful my children weren’t affected’ is dismissive, whether or not that’s the intent.

We all take things for granted. Does anyone actually thank their teacher or consider themselves lucky when they read the back of a cereal box or they look at a train timetable? I do sometimes have a word with myself if I’m grumbling about my children or job that many would love to have both but I’ll still grumble.

The thing about the lockdowns is that if it had been ‘yes, shit year, now let’s move on’ that would be one thing. But for many mothers having babies it did affect how they felt towards them and bonded with them and that’s ongoing. I include myself in that a bit. Off the top of my head I can think of several children murdered by their own parents or killed in accidents which were caused directly through lockdown: it was government approved child neglect and appalling.

Postnatal depression is a serious issue. It shouldn’t just be dismissed in the way some on here have done so.

Your experience does sound really difficult. I would've hated that and was grateful pregnancy didn't happen for us until afterwards. YANBU to feel short changed especially if you have the kind of family who ordinarily would've been there for you.
Are you planning any more children? It'll be different on mat leave next time!

I hear you, my first baby was only a few months old..I remember taking her for a walk to the park and seeing it padlocked, it just broke my heart. I had my second during lockdown and we didn't get to experience any of the baby groups.

I don't think it's wrong to have those feelings. My nephew was a lockdown baby and I know my sister feels similarly.

I'm sorry about your experiences. When I feel this way, I allow myself the space to talk and think about it, because ultimately, that's all I can do. Recognise that you can't change it, but you can acknowledge it.

Big squeeze though. It's not easy

Wow the lack of compassion on here from some posters is shocking. Like another poster has said it's not top trumps. I'm sorry for anyone that is or has struggled with infertility, I cannot imagine what you are/have been going through. It doesn't mean that other people can't feel sad at what they've missed out on though.
OP I didn't have a baby during lockdown however I completely get how you're feeling. It's okay people saying it would've been great not to have had visitors but when I've had my children I couldn't wait to show them off and be out and about. Not only that but it was your first baby, you picture how it will be with your first baby and you didn't get what you had imagined. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad about that.

I understand you. And I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I had my DD in December 2019. It was a traumatic birth and by the time I was ready to get out and start seeing people, lockdown happened. I thought I had moved on by now but having my DS few months ago made me realise I'm far from it. Doing baby groups, meeting people, it makes me mourn the moments I missed with my DD.

Note how the only people who are convinced lockdown would’ve been the perfect time to have a baby either
a) haven’t had a lockdown baby or
b) have but it was their second or third, having enjoyed all the bells and whistles first time round that you don’t really do the second time anyway

But they’re just copers aren’t they, they just get on with things, they’re stronger and better people than all of us nervous nellies. Lol

I understand your disappointment, I too had my first baby in covid (and a cancelled wedding) because of lockdown, my parents (who live abroad) could only see my DD when she turned five months old!! That was hard.
BUT in retrospect I wouldn't change it, it also has been a blissful time to become our new little family unit, DH, DD and I, undisturbed.
So get over your disappointment, lockdown had lots of benefits as well for a first time mum, even if you don't see it! I shudder thinking I could be stuck at home with toddlers and/or homeschooling, THAT must have been horrendous. But the newborn stage? Nah! All good!

Totally get this DD is an April 2020 baby. We are based in Wales and we had a 5 mile drive limit on top of the lockdowns for 7 out of the 12 months I was off. The 3rd lockdown December to March was definitely the hardest.

I have just had another DD and it's so different this time. It does make me sad for what me and DD1 missed out on. There was some benefit for us as DH worked from home throughout and him and DD have a lovely bond as a result and he was around more than he would have been.

Ive had moments like this but I tell myself that DD was safe and healthy and try and be satisfied with that x

I had my first in lockdown and found it really difficult so sending you hugs. I also found people who said that they had second/third etc babies in lockdown and it was great very annoying. I've since had another baby and find them even more annoying because OF COURSE having a baby that isn't your first was not as difficult in lockdown because it's not the absolute bombshell that having your first is.

However, what I will say, is that with my second it healed a lot of my hurt from my first in terms of lockdown. I actually didn't enjoy the baby groups that I had longed for with my first. I didn't enjoy hosting loads of visitors in the weeks after she was born. I didn't do lots of things I really longed for in lockdown.

It was very difficult being a 2020 first time Mum, but we made it through and I'm sure you did amazingly

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but this isn't just a covid thing, and I think it's important to be conscious that similar limitations affect new mothers/parents all the time. I had twins and subsequently came into contact and was aware of mothers who faced these conditions on their maternity leaves/their babies younger years for a host of reasons – prematurity, higher rate of birth issues, the inability to leave the house, the inability to join groups. When all this started coming out of the woodwork during covid, suddenly with otherwise 'normal' mothers of healthy singletons facing these issues, there was mass sadness over it – and I get it; it is sad and these mothers are absolutely entitled to feel that way. But it's not new and there was no previous awareness of it beforehand. Which I think particularly annoyed me with some women/groups campaigning to have extended maternity leave because of it.

I lived in a top floor flat with no lift when I had my twins. We also had to keep the pram in the car as there was nowhere to keep it inside. So to go out I would have to somehow haul two babies down (and no, double carriers aren't a thing once they are over a few weeks old), put the babies in the car, and then assemble the big double pram. Every single time I wanted/needed to go out. One of my twins was also in hospital for 2 weeks, so that swallowed up all my DH's paternity leave. Baby groups are largely not equipped to deal with twins – you can't do the activities with two babies and there is no one to take the second. And of course if the group is upstairs with no lift and you're on your own you can't get your babies up there. Meet up groups with other mothers were also largely too difficult to manage – you can't find a spot in a cafe for 6 mums and 12 babies. The mothers also cannot handle that amount of babies by themselves very easily. Meeting up in a park was sometimes possible if it was sunny. The mothers with premature twins (which is more common than not) struggled far more than this.

I'm not saying this to attempt to eradicate your feelings or say they should be different. But I sometimes things it helps to realise that millions of people are experiencing the same thing every day, long before covid and long since it has passed.

Enjoy your beautiful daughter. By the roll of the dice – illness, multiples or covid times – this will be some mothers' experience. For me, I try to remember that it just would never have been any other way, so there is no point dwelling on the past.

What you went through is really really horrible. I'm still dealing with the mental health fallout of the impact on my autistic child who was 5 at the time - she suffers severe anxiety / has phobias around contamination = I know are linked to how difficult she found covid/ lockdown.

I was and still am strongly opposed to the way lockdown was managed. As a rational person who could see it was overly restrictive and causing huge amounts of harm. We should have been like Sweden where outdoor activities were ALWAYS encouraged. There are so many harms we are now living with because of confining people alone at home.

however - having said that Op - you need to take a breath here - look at the world around you - is it fair? You could have had a baby in gaza, or sudan or any other horrific state of affairs. Those people are worse off than you were in lockdown.

Im not belittling AT ALL what you went through I just think its worth bearing in mind that you can always compare with those worse off or better off.

Do you have a lovely home, garden and nice countryside for walks on your doorstep by any chance?