To be jealous of people having babies outside of a COVID world

[Shaveacave]

My daughter was born literally the day we went into lockdown, 23rd March 2020. Not one person held her other than DH or me until she was nearly 10 weeks old. DH was a key worker so worked throughout so from 2 weeks on DD and I sat at home all day, every day. I had a very difficult birth resulting in an emergency cesarean which seemed to take forever to heal and I wasn't well enough to even get out for our allocated one hour walk a day until DD was 6 weeks old. There was only one 'group' I could eventually attend which was an outside only walk together in a park but everything I had hoped to do; baby massage, baby sign, stay and play, not one of them existed.
We had 3 lockdowns that year, when the third one was announced I sobbed and arranged to go back to work 2 months ahead of schedule because I couldn't cope anymore.

We're obviously fine now. DD is a wonderful, funny, bright 4 year old and I love her more than anything. But I was the first of my friends to have a baby and a few have started their families now and most recently my sister-in-law just had her first baby. And I feel like I'm seething with jealousy at the experience they all get to have that I didn't. My in-laws are going to stay with sister-in-law as her husband is going back to work tomorrow so she won't have to be alone. I couldn't leave my bed the first day on my own and I just sobbed all day. I remember the next day my husband planting food all over the house for me to make sure wherever I found myself I ate something because I literally didn't eat that first day until he got home; the idea of having my Mum there with me to help those first few days on my own would have meant the world to me. And I just feel so sad about it. I work full time, I was always going to go back to work full time, we can't afford for me not to. And now it's just 4 months until DD is in school anyway so that's it, these early years are pretty much behind me and I'm suddenly feeling very sad about it.

I don't really have an AIBU, just ranting I suppose!
I'm so happy for all my friends, I'm beyond thrilled to be an Auntie for the first time!! Truly I am and I don't wish any of them anything but wonderful things. But I just feel a bit sad for me and DD tonight.

That's shit for you but isn't going to make OP feel better

Yes! I had that confidence thing too!

I think that something about babies and lockdown brings out … something in people here. For whatever reason, we’re all either supposed to be slavishly grateful to have had a baby at all or to have actually loved the arrival of a global pandemic because hey, no cups of tea for visitors

YANBU OP, and my baby was born in the December of 2020. I was reading a thread about Enid Blyton on here where someone defended her by saying one of her daughters thought she was great and the other didn’t - but they’d had the same upbringing. I was very conscious my children, born two and a half years apart, haven’t had the same upbringing at all and lockdowns played a huge part in that. It’s not the only thing but a huge part of it. It doesn’t mean it’s irreparable but I think being aware of something is half the battle. Denial is never good and insisting something didn’t actually affect someone at all because it didn’t affect you is really the height of thick.

I haven't read all the responses but wanted to quickly say you're entitled to feel how you feel and I have always felt so sorry for those who had their first babies in lockdown as it must have been so tough. Mine were babies either side of the pandemic and although I didn't have family support i was able to go to classes and make friends and get support that way. To be honest I can't think of anything to make you feel better about your experience! I think lockdown was quite traumatic for some people for various reasons and it's ok to feel that way. I just it's just finding a way of coming to terms with it all. It wasn't that long ago really so it's normal it's still raw. Sending hugs.

Similarly, I was planning a baby in 2019 before OP got pregnant, when I got ill in the first lockdown and spent about 2 years unable to stand up. I'm still doing IVF now so it's funny to think of those of us still TTC and others are feeling sad about their 4 year olds now growing up.

I understand expecting and hoping for something else. I think many people had that experience in lockdown regardless of the specifics. Some hoped to support their loved ones who died without them etc. Likewise having a non lockdown baby with a partner who became abusive, or losing your husband with a newborn and toddler (both things I've been close to).

There's so many things that cause a different first year that you expect and in all of those it's understandable to acknowledge that it's sad to have had no control over some aspects of your life during a major event. Unlike with some other situations, with lockdown there was widespread acknowledgement of new mums. There were a lot of people going through it at the same time so at least lots of people sharing about it online and in person.

Yes, a peaceful lockdown to keep my inlaws away would've been nice! Having a baby in winter and unable to mobilise and in agony was more restrictive than lockdown. Most people were walking about in lockdown and within a few months I saw loads of mums and baby's out as it was over, not sure why one mum said her baby didn't see another child till 15 months old. It's all relative depending on previous experiences and expectations.

You are absolutely entitled to feel how you feel. It's all relative though. I think I'd have enjoyed the newborn stage in lockdown, I remember wanting to lock myself away from the world for a few months when I had my 1st! But I had an 18 month old and a 4 year old at the time. No nursery, no play dates, no parks, no socialising. Stuck entertaining them day after day indoors, we didn't have a garden at the time. Oldest is autistic and we couldn't do walks because he'd have a meltdown at not being able to go in the park. I had a missed miscarriage at 16 weeks, my husband wasn't even allowed in for the scan or afterwards. I just had to come out the hospital sobbing to find him. 4 year old turned 5 and started school in 'bubbles'. I mostly just find it all so bizarre when I look back on it, like it almost doesn't feel real.

Lockdown was traumatic for lots of people for lots of reasons. Do make sure you speak to someone about it all if you're struggling to come to terms with it.

Another Lockdown baby born here, thinking back now (which I don't like to do often!) it really was awful, not just the lack of visitors / support after but my care during the Hospital stay. I remember there being next to no communication from the Medical team following DCs birth. I was on a packed ward and the bell was ringing constantly all through the day and night - but there didn't seem to be anyone around to help us. My discharge from Hospital was a total shambles, ended up marching out of the Ward with brand new Baby, car seat and my bags following a C-Section. I've never been so happy to see DH waiting outside those double doors. For Me though the hardest part of a Lockdown birth was all the appointments leading up to it, having to go alone to Scans and meetings, making important decisions alone. That was tough and took away so much of the usual excitement

I had a lockdown baby and I can't listen to friends who had babies recently talk about their maternity experiences. Yes I probably should have therapy to deal with it but with an almost 4 year and full time work there is no time or money for it!

I often come off the phone with friends crying. And no there will be no baby #2 to heal my hurt as many of the nursery mums I know have done. I actually cannot face it as the experience was too awful the first time. It all totally ruined my transition to motherhood and generally how I feel about parenting.

Some people won't understand, plenty of replies on here show that. I was actually scared to read the thread as I knew it would open an emotional can of worms for me but I didn't want to leave you with replies from those who do not understand. I understand your jealousy, I understand your pain.

Oh grow up. I spent ALL of Covid having miserable unsuccessful IVF treatment and I can still recognise that having your first baby in the first lockdown must have been so, so hard.

OP I really feel for you and other mums who had their first during 2020.

We had our first finally at the very tail end of Covid in 2022 and had a very tricky baby. We needed lots of bf support, osteo etc and for my sanity I signed up for every class & group going as otherwise we both sat around the house crying!

I wouldn’t have coped at all in lockdown with them, I certainly wouldn’t have managed breastfeeding. New mums (amongst other vulnerable groups) got such a raw deal at that time.

I had DD2 in lockdown. I can see where you’re coming from, although DD1 was a preemie and spent weeks in hospital, so there’s parts of both experiences I’d love to change. I’d love to get the ‘normal’ experience of taking my baby home within days and all the visitors etc, but for us it wasn’t to be. Theyre both thriving now, so I’ll just have to be thankful and always wonder 🤷🏻‍♀️

I didn't say I didn't recognise how hard it was although it was a damn sight harder having a two year at home with no garden so nowhere for her to play and no nursery if you want to play top trumps.

You’re the only one playing top trumps here with your complete and utter lack of empathy.

@Porridgeislife my clinic was shut as was many others. We weren't able to have any treatment. You were quite lucky to get the chance.

Id imagine you feel robbed of an experience most (not all) new mums have. It’s ok to have moments of sadness. Jealousy and struggling right. I’ve, I’d say you are probably trying not to feel it so it’s growing. Don’t bottle it, let it out and move on.

My clinic was also shut. All IVF clinics were. I my first unsuccessful round in very early 2020 and wasn’t able to start again until late 2020. Do you have a point to make?

I do sympathise actually but just trying to point out the positives. Plus I am sure many would have taken being stuck at home with a newborn over a two year old with endless energy and we don't have a garden don't you think?

I get you. My husband was in Afghanistan 2010. The worst year for British military deaths. I was pregnant and he missed the birth and I still think about it 14 years later. People can say that was his / our choice and people have it worse but it doesn't take away the experience.

You know what? You have a happy healthy child. Try to more thankful and stop comparing. You'll be happier.

When we compare we can also find people who've had a worse time than us.....My friend had a bad headache one day, went to Drs when it wouldn't go away & was sent to hospital to find out it was a brain tumour. She was gone in a week leaving her three gorgeous kids and darling husband.

Another mate has a DS with a failing kidney who needs a transplant.

So you missed some baby classes. Stop comparing, move on & enjoy your beautiful child now please.

Yes you have over reacted. Go and take a chill pill. You also display a complete lack of empathy for my situation at the time. I couldn't try until middle of 2021 so you were lucky!

Actually I had no children at all, and at that point it was looking like I never might as I had discovered I had no tubes.

Obviously a toddler in lockdown was tough and I’m truly sorry for you and all the mums who dealt with that. But it wouldn’t be helpful nor empathetic for me to say “well at least you had a child!” Which is what you’re doing to the OP and totally minimising her different, but also rubbish, experience.

That sounds terribly hard op. I’m so sorry.
First babies are hard. Mine was born many years before lockdown, but I can relate to aspects of your experience. And to that jealousy too.

People put on a great show about babies, and some people do have easy experiences. But many people have hidden traumas. When I was open about my struggles, other mums shared theirs - and what stood out to me was that everyone thinks that their unique circumstances were what made it hard so they assume no one can understand or relate. But talking about it, is healing.

I hope you can find some solidarity and connection on this thread.

I have a July 2020 baby and a July 2022 baby and the difference in experience was huge.

Just being able to see people and talk to them, go out of the house to a shop or cafe without worrying, use groups to add some structure to the week so it was less like Groundhog Day made so much difference to my mental health the second time around.

My sister recently had her first and while I’m thrilled for her I did have a moment of feeling a bit sad for myself.

When I can afford it I think i need a few therapy sessions to talk it all out properly.

Should say unsuccessful cycles are not in the same league as an IVF miscarriage and never will be so you wouldn't be able to emphasise with me on that one. Plus I actually had a sibling telling me at the time it was probably for the best due to COVID.