To be jealous of people having babies outside of a COVID world

[Shaveacave]

My daughter was born literally the day we went into lockdown, 23rd March 2020. Not one person held her other than DH or me until she was nearly 10 weeks old. DH was a key worker so worked throughout so from 2 weeks on DD and I sat at home all day, every day. I had a very difficult birth resulting in an emergency cesarean which seemed to take forever to heal and I wasn't well enough to even get out for our allocated one hour walk a day until DD was 6 weeks old. There was only one 'group' I could eventually attend which was an outside only walk together in a park but everything I had hoped to do; baby massage, baby sign, stay and play, not one of them existed.
We had 3 lockdowns that year, when the third one was announced I sobbed and arranged to go back to work 2 months ahead of schedule because I couldn't cope anymore.

We're obviously fine now. DD is a wonderful, funny, bright 4 year old and I love her more than anything. But I was the first of my friends to have a baby and a few have started their families now and most recently my sister-in-law just had her first baby. And I feel like I'm seething with jealousy at the experience they all get to have that I didn't. My in-laws are going to stay with sister-in-law as her husband is going back to work tomorrow so she won't have to be alone. I couldn't leave my bed the first day on my own and I just sobbed all day. I remember the next day my husband planting food all over the house for me to make sure wherever I found myself I ate something because I literally didn't eat that first day until he got home; the idea of having my Mum there with me to help those first few days on my own would have meant the world to me. And I just feel so sad about it. I work full time, I was always going to go back to work full time, we can't afford for me not to. And now it's just 4 months until DD is in school anyway so that's it, these early years are pretty much behind me and I'm suddenly feeling very sad about it.

I don't really have an AIBU, just ranting I suppose!
I'm so happy for all my friends, I'm beyond thrilled to be an Auntie for the first time!! Truly I am and I don't wish any of them anything but wonderful things. But I just feel a bit sad for me and DD tonight.

This Tbh. The grass is always greener.

Also have a (later) Covid baby. All the hellish things my friends experienced didn’t exist. There were pros and cons.

U

Just gonna leave this here for anyone who needs it. It always makes me smile and I think if it often when scrolling through Mumsnet and this thread has been no exception.

Thank you all. I really do appreciate all your support and kindness and I'm truly sorry to anyone offended by my talking about having a hard time because yours was worse. I've no doubt you're right and I'm sorry for what you had to go through too.

I had my second in lock down and I didn’t find it awful but because I had an older child to keep me occupied and had made friends with my first.

I always say it must have been soooo hard for first time mums, I relied so much on my friendship group with my first. I had no support from family so these friends really did help me. Having your first baby is hard with the not knowing / doubting but even harder when you can’t even talk to others.

All first time mums I know with lock down babies seem to have the same opinion that it was rubbish.

On the flip side, I am jealous of people who have family who come help when you had a baby, not because of lock down because my family is very hands off

Having your 4th is a completely different experience to having your first!

OP, I really feel for you having such a bad time, I know I relied on my parents for so much support after my children were born, it must have been really tough, not having another person pop round to look at a rash you were worried about or play with the baby and be nice to you.

I think so many people had a crap time, I do feel for people who missed the last months/years of their loved ones lives due to isolation.
What helps me is remembering that everyone sacrificed so much, especially you, and we did it to protect older people and vulnerable people. It was a big sacrifice from you and lots of other people, but it was done to save the lives of others. I don’t know if that helps you, I don’t know
if you can frame it that way in your mind, can you see it as an incredibly difficult time you could be proud of where you gave up so much for the good of others?

Totally normal to feel like you do, must have been very stressful. But I’m not sure how carrying jealously for those having babies now helps, they’re not doing it to spite you - if the feelings are affecting your life you need to get counselling. You have a DD, focus on that and enjoying your time now. You can’t change the past.

Also spare a thought for those were planning to have fertility treatment during Covid and it was delayed, so May now not have a baby because of it

I hope you have been able to get the closure and therapy you need. You are so determined to play top trumps here.

You already had a child so you were one step ahead of me. I can still recognise that an IVF miscarriage is a really terrible thing to go through and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. Just like I can have empathy for the OP and her experience, despite having no chance of children myself at the time.

Was it once per day? I never knew that. We went out multiple times, for walks, often for food each day as you couldn't get everything in one shop, especially if shopping after work when the wfh and furloughed had already taken everything, to take food or essentials to others...

It is a real shame what you missed out on, that period of time was such a loss for everyone.

Bright side is you didn't need to home school 🤣. I was trying to hold down a job online as a well as trying to home school 2 children and had a toddler. Having just one baby sounds lovely to me!

It's rubbish but no point dwelling on it and being jealous of other people!

Wow that’s pretty uncalled for isnt it? This thread isn’t top trumps. Anyway, your previous posts suggest you do have a child, so if being petty your experience isn’t the same as someone going through failed ivf and miscarriages who hasn’t already got one.

I agree with this, both of mine were born before COVID-19, I hated the visitors, baby groups, and constant comparison. I found that maybe I could talk to fellow mums about how hard it was, they all shrugged stuff off saying things were great which made me feel shite, only to find out later they too were struggling but lied about it so they didn't appear to be shit at it. Oh god, it was torture! My babies were always on a different routine to theirs so whenever we met, mine was the only one that was asleep, so didn't join in, or needed feeding so I hung back to feed which made the comparison worse.
The social pressure for all the groups was insane, some I attended and walked in, they all turned, looked and the tumbleweed was obvious it was like I'd intruded.

I get where you're coming from OP, you never got a chance to try it all, but don't dwell on it, yes it all may have worked for you, but it also may not have. I hated the pressure and expectation of it all and having all of it eradicated in lockdown, I would in hindsight have been bloody relieved!

Just to add, the above was my experience with my first, with my second I did none of it and enjoyed the experience more.

Just to say that having a second baby has been a completely different experience from my first in lockdown, the hospital experience couldn’t have been better and just having my DH there made a huge difference. When I had my first baby in lockdown it was awful, DH wasn’t allowed to visit us in hospital and I got pnd, probably from the isolation in the newborn stage. I was absolutely terrified of the birth and maternity leave this time but it’s all been so great, I think in part because I had very low expectations so have appreciated everything so much. A lot of the mums I’m meeting at groups had babies in lockdown too and it’s nice to be able to talk about it to people who understand. Please don’t let it hold you back if you do want another, lockdown took enough from us.

Yeah that was being an arsehole but the poster I was replying to wasn't nice either.

OP I'm sure it was really hard but being jealous of others isn't helpful. Don't begrudge others having a better experience, surely you want your relative to have a good experience? We have ongoing issues from COVID with one of our DC, it's hell, but we would never wish it on others!

I absolutely hear you OP having had a lockdown baby myself following a difficult and traumatic c section birth. Coincidentally my sister in law has also just given birth and her experience of early motherhood seems wildly different to my own (and leaves me feeling like I did a shit job).

However, I do need to remind myself to redirect my anger to those in government who were partying it up whilst the rest of us had to introduce our newborns through windows.

I was about to post something sarky and deleted it - I’ll be direct instead. ‘
@WithACatLikeTread - given you’ve experienced that level of horrendously insensitive comment - why would you continue to do so to somebody else?

Infertily is horrific and I have endless compassion for those suffering from it. But you know what is really awful about infertility is this presumption by others that any level of suffering, any sort of preference, cannot be voiced because you should be grateful to have a baby at all. Extending this to others is so breathtakingly pig ignorant - I’m sorry but it really is - and in a roundabout way has led to women DYING because they can’t voice concerns about birth because you know, lucky you, some woman don’t get babies. it’s an arsehole thing to do. Stop it.

I don’t know you know…. I sometimes look at people on maternity leave now and I think number one - how do they afford it 😂- number two - it looks exhausting! All the baby classes and lunches ect!

Let’s face it, the first 3months all the baby cares about is contact time with the main parents. All the classes are more for the mums I think!

I personally loved being in a no pressure environment to just adjust to being a mum! It was a little dull at times, but having quality time with my baby without friends or relatives dropping by all the time was actually really lovely and made my bond with my child really strong really quickly. (First child)

I actually think it would be so much worse to have been in a covid situation with my now 3 year old! That would have been hell and such a struggle to give the child the fun, stimulation and friendships they need at this age!

I had 2 Covid babies - one at the very beginning and another one in 2022 (we lived abroad which was still in mostly lockdown)

I get it. I remember crying at my first toddler group as I just had never been in a room with other mums & children before. I also suffered from not being able to see my family as I was unwell post birth.

however now, I’m eternally grateful my children weren’t really affected by it. I think there’s huge problems for teens now related to Covid that will define their lives and affect them life long. That’s worse IMO

just for the mum

And there it is.

Depends where you were. It was in Wales. In England, it never was, but it was a very common misnomer.

@Giveupnow if the mother is affected the child is affected.

It was horrendous for parents generally. I really do agree with that. But this attitude that wanting something a bit more than four walls and a daily walk with a baby is the sign of someone demanding in the extreme is awful.

Exactly

It really is.

I feel for anyone that had a baby in 2020, it must have been so difficult. What got me through the early weeks and months of motherhood was company, friends and family helping me and keeping busy outside of the house at activities. I can’t imagine how tough it would have been to be isolated.