To be jealous of people having babies outside of a COVID world

[Shaveacave]

My daughter was born literally the day we went into lockdown, 23rd March 2020. Not one person held her other than DH or me until she was nearly 10 weeks old. DH was a key worker so worked throughout so from 2 weeks on DD and I sat at home all day, every day. I had a very difficult birth resulting in an emergency cesarean which seemed to take forever to heal and I wasn't well enough to even get out for our allocated one hour walk a day until DD was 6 weeks old. There was only one 'group' I could eventually attend which was an outside only walk together in a park but everything I had hoped to do; baby massage, baby sign, stay and play, not one of them existed.
We had 3 lockdowns that year, when the third one was announced I sobbed and arranged to go back to work 2 months ahead of schedule because I couldn't cope anymore.

We're obviously fine now. DD is a wonderful, funny, bright 4 year old and I love her more than anything. But I was the first of my friends to have a baby and a few have started their families now and most recently my sister-in-law just had her first baby. And I feel like I'm seething with jealousy at the experience they all get to have that I didn't. My in-laws are going to stay with sister-in-law as her husband is going back to work tomorrow so she won't have to be alone. I couldn't leave my bed the first day on my own and I just sobbed all day. I remember the next day my husband planting food all over the house for me to make sure wherever I found myself I ate something because I literally didn't eat that first day until he got home; the idea of having my Mum there with me to help those first few days on my own would have meant the world to me. And I just feel so sad about it. I work full time, I was always going to go back to work full time, we can't afford for me not to. And now it's just 4 months until DD is in school anyway so that's it, these early years are pretty much behind me and I'm suddenly feeling very sad about it.

I don't really have an AIBU, just ranting I suppose!
I'm so happy for all my friends, I'm beyond thrilled to be an Auntie for the first time!! Truly I am and I don't wish any of them anything but wonderful things. But I just feel a bit sad for me and DD tonight.

I hear you.

DD1 was a covid baby. I thought I was a crap mum with a difficult baby and possibly PND.

I’ve now had DD2, and it turns out that it’s not me (or my babies), it was lockdown.

So, so awful. And it sucks that we can’t get the time back. Rant away.

I am so sorry. Mine were teens when COVID hit, and yet I thought of those with babies. I don't know how I would have coped, the fact you have and your DD is thriving is a credit to you.

It was shit for all ages, it seems like a nightmare

I am sending you massive hugs, from one Covid mum to another. My little boy was born on 31st March 2020 and recognised so much of what you wrote as my own experience.

I think it’s unreasonable to think this way, yes.
Plenty of people who had their baby in more “normal” times don’t have the advantages you’re describing. I didn’t when I had mine, I had no help from parents, in-laws, nobody coming to stay, nothing. The birth was traumatic, the babies had health problems and the early years were very hard.

I had my 4th on 30th March 2020 and it was brilliant being in lockdown! Absolutely no pressure to host any visitors, I could look like shit and no one saw me, no pressure to actually get to baby groups on time, let’s face it, that’s not easy the first few weeks! Being in hospital was a better experience as there weren’t noisy visitors and the mums all chatted to each other and supported each other.
Honestly, you need to stop being jealous of new mums now as you have no idea really what it would have been like to have a baby not in lockdown so you can’t really compare!

Sending hugs. Don’t listen to ‘I just got on with it pre-pandemic, me’ wankers.

The early days are a bit like dating. You feel nerve wracked taking them out of the house and to new places, but it’s how you bond and grow your confidence looking after them in the world. It’s lovely to show off a new baby, take them for walks, go to groups and meet new mums, and basically just do the new mum thing because that’s what you are! It’s the sunny side to the hard side which is the stitches, pain, learning to breastfeed, up and down emotions. When you’re deprived of the nice things you’re just left with the hard stuff.

Plus not all of us were lucky enough to live in lovely spacious houses with nice gardens and local walks to enjoy. We lived in a flat in the middle of a housing estate in a city. Because of the unforeseen wfh, DP was working in the living room (which was open plan to the kitchen) so we had zero space to even do play stuff, especially once she was walking.

All the banana bread and ‘getting on with things’ wankers can just fuck off

It was your 4th. No offence but having had the ‘standard’ experience 3 times previously, do you not think your response is utterly glib and lacking in self awareness?

I have a Covid baby so i do understand, some of my friends never held my baby at all - and he’s now way past the cuddling stage!

I definitely get why you might feel a bit sorry about it or feel a bit crap that you didn’t get the experience you wanted but I don’t get the “seething with jealousy” level of feelings.

Your reality is what you make it, if you persist with these thoughts then you will continue to feel this way. Taking stock of what you have, being present in the moment and practicing gratitude may help. If you can’t move past it then id seek some therapy because your feelings sound much deeper than just a general sense of disappointment or sadness that might be expected 4 years later

That way madness lies OP. You can’t worry about what it would be like pre COVID, post COVID, in WW2, in medieval times or anything else. It is what it is.

I feel terribly about the fact that throughout lockdown I utterly failed to homeschool my then 6 yo, who I now know to have ADHD, whilst doing a very responsible, full time public sector job which both couldn’t be furloughed (public sector couldn’t be) and didn’t qualify as “key” (so why make me keep doing it?). As a single parent whose exh decided that was a good block of time to opt out of parenting. I feel like I utterly failed DS at a really key foundation stage of his education. But what you going to do?

Equally those with teenagers due to sit exams, or missing their friends horribly, or young adults locked in universities, probably felt it hit at just the worse time in their children’s lives, just the point where it was the most significant hit for them.

All the stages kids could be at in lockdown sucked tbh.

Also there is no “standard experience” of mat leave. My eldest spent her first year in and out of hospital. With periods of pre operation quarantine.

I'm sorry it was so pants. Like a pp, Both of mine were teens and fine. We coped fine. But you have to talk this out, think about it, and let it go, don't let it stew. Many others were worse affected by Covid.

No - I do not think my response is ‘glib’ and lacking in self awareness - I’d have rather had my 3 previous births in lockdown to be honest!!!!! The pressure of having to get ready for certain things and make endless cups of tea for endless unwanted visitors was not great with my first 3, I had time to actually do sweet fa really with my 4th and could sit on the sofa and watch tv with her napping and bonding, no worries about having to go to a group and struggle with breastfeeding and make inane conversation with people I didn’t particularly want to be friends with! And the house didn’t need to be particularly tidy - it was great!!

I understand it must have been really tough. I was discussing it with a friend today actually, I couldn't imagine not being able to go out and about or see my parents.

BUT it's not helpful for you to be seething with jealousy, it's a literal waste of time and energy. You and your family are happy and healthy, focus on the positives now, not the negatives of the past.

Honestly, you need to stop being jealous of new mums now as you have no idea really what it would have been like to have a baby not in lockdown so you can’t really compare!

I’ve had a baby pre lockdown and a baby in lockdown and I confirm the lockdown experience was comparatively absolutely horrendous.

YANBU OP.

I was just coming here to say this 🙄

Sending love. It sounds like you have a thoughtful husband and it was a really shit time.
Do you think you'll have another?
I wonder about if another baby and getting to "do labour right" will help me heal from my previous experience. I wonder if the same might be true? (Obviously only if you want another one! Not suggesting you have another baby just for that reason!)

Yep, I think this post hits the nail nicely on the head. The strength of your feelings OP, all these years later, is not normal or healthy. I had my first during covid, and actually, I liked the excuse to hide away as a family, just me, my husband and our brand new baby. It gave us real privacy to enjoy our little newborn bubble - I didn't have any urge to show off the baby or go to groups. It's ok that you feel you missed out on all that, but it feels a bit performative given the weight you are still putting on those things 4 years later. Having had my second 10 months ago the circumstances of his first few weeks/months were obviously the polar opposite of when his sister was born, but I don't feel that they were significantly 'better' Just different.

This! I feel you OP I completely understand. I remember being so jealous at the time of my friends who’d purposefully conceived during lockdown and everything had gone back to normal and they got all the groups etc, whereas I who’d planned the baby before covid was on the horizon had the whole mat leave completely ruined. It was an awful time I had severe PND and don’t remember a lot of it I think my brain has blocked it out. So I hear you 💕

Thank you.
I do know how lucky we are and honestly most of the time, I'm over it and we're fine. Life is just life and for a while I almost forgot about it. Pull a face mask out of and old pocket and go 'oh yeah!!' forgot about it.
It's just been the last year that I've slowly started to notice that when I've spoken to friends having their first babies how okay they seem to be when I honestly thought I was going insane. I was a complete and utter mess for months! Pretty much the entire year really until k went back to work and we regained some semblance of normality. And yes, maybe that would have been my experience no matter what, maybe I was destined to be a 'crazy new mum's. But then I would speak to my friends and hear how they have visitors coming or are going out or new people they've met and I just think maybe that would have helped me feel less crazy. And yeah, hearing tonight that my in-laws are off to support my sister-in-law really just reminded.me of how horrendous that first day especially was for me and how much I wish someone would have been with me and it just makes me sad.

I'm not trying to minimise anyone else's experience. I know everyone was living their own version of hell (except those that seemed to enjoy it, with no sarcasm at all, lucky you!) and I remember so strongly being grateful at the time that DD was so young because she didn't really feel the impact, this was just life for her and she was fine and 4 years later I am so grateful for that; I massively feel for those if you that had to balance working and home schooling.

This, although mine were lockdown and post lockdown.

The second was bliss in comparison, of course there were actual issues like health problems with DC, sleepless nights and all the rest but it was hugely different to be able to see people and talk things through, even just those shallow conversations at baby groups.

The experiences were a world apart.

I'm so sorry you had that experience op. I honestly don't know how people coped having first babies during covid. My friend did and it sounded so tough.

If it makes you feel less alone I had a traumatic time when my youngest was a baby (although that was after covid). It's over now but occasionally for fleeting moments I think back and genuinely wonder to myself how I got through it. I end up crying if I think about it too deeply so I just try to forget about it but it has definitely left a scar.

Thanks for writing this OP it has been helpful just to read it, I was lucky enough to have my first before lockdown but I am not over the experience of having my second in lockdown either, sometimes it feels very isolating - it’s not easy to shake off a year of trauma & grief for the loss of everything you couldn’t do together & the horrible uncertainty & fear of those times. If some people found it easy to deal with then great for them but you’re certainly not alone dealing with this. What helps for
me is to acknowledge how hard it was and how well we did to get through it, and how happy we are to be on the other side. I don’t think these threads are usually helpful - when I had a baby in NICU and toddler to deal with as well in lockdown and was struggling a poster on here told me it was because I was of a soft generation who were too reliant on soft plays which she didnt have in her day 😖is it helpful to discuss with DH before you see people? Eg say I am so looking forward to seeing amy’s new baby and I also just want to say xxx’ to get the feelings off your chest before you go in?

On the bright side you had a baby. I started off just before lockdown miscarrying an IVF baby and wasn't able to have treatment until 2021 and get pregnant after that.

You can be sad about it, and jealous and angry - your feelings are totally valid and it's okay to feel them. Sending you the biggest hug @Shaveacave and just know you aren't alone.

I had my babies after covid but i had an extremely traumatic experience and am also very angry/bitter about how it went. I'm having therapy for it which has helped, if this is something you would consider.

Sending you lots of love xxx

I feel same OP, not jealous as such, but just so sad that the things that are normal or would have made having a new baby slightly more normal weren't available to us.
Also sometimes the disbelief that you can do things like going to a cafe with a small baby, have other people hold your baby, have visitors in hospital after birth - my brain doesn't compute!