To be jealous of people having babies outside of a COVID world

[Shaveacave]

My daughter was born literally the day we went into lockdown, 23rd March 2020. Not one person held her other than DH or me until she was nearly 10 weeks old. DH was a key worker so worked throughout so from 2 weeks on DD and I sat at home all day, every day. I had a very difficult birth resulting in an emergency cesarean which seemed to take forever to heal and I wasn't well enough to even get out for our allocated one hour walk a day until DD was 6 weeks old. There was only one 'group' I could eventually attend which was an outside only walk together in a park but everything I had hoped to do; baby massage, baby sign, stay and play, not one of them existed.
We had 3 lockdowns that year, when the third one was announced I sobbed and arranged to go back to work 2 months ahead of schedule because I couldn't cope anymore.

We're obviously fine now. DD is a wonderful, funny, bright 4 year old and I love her more than anything. But I was the first of my friends to have a baby and a few have started their families now and most recently my sister-in-law just had her first baby. And I feel like I'm seething with jealousy at the experience they all get to have that I didn't. My in-laws are going to stay with sister-in-law as her husband is going back to work tomorrow so she won't have to be alone. I couldn't leave my bed the first day on my own and I just sobbed all day. I remember the next day my husband planting food all over the house for me to make sure wherever I found myself I ate something because I literally didn't eat that first day until he got home; the idea of having my Mum there with me to help those first few days on my own would have meant the world to me. And I just feel so sad about it. I work full time, I was always going to go back to work full time, we can't afford for me not to. And now it's just 4 months until DD is in school anyway so that's it, these early years are pretty much behind me and I'm suddenly feeling very sad about it.

I don't really have an AIBU, just ranting I suppose!
I'm so happy for all my friends, I'm beyond thrilled to be an Auntie for the first time!! Truly I am and I don't wish any of them anything but wonderful things. But I just feel a bit sad for me and DD tonight.

My DS2 was born in 2008, but I doubt you would be jealous of my experience.

Rate genetic condition. In the neonatal unit for 6 weeks, all the nurses speaking in hushed tones about how they'd never seen a baby with his condition despite their 10 years of experience.

Then when he came home I didn't have a baby, I had a patient. Tube feeds every 3 hours. Countless hospital appointments and home visits. No baby groups. People staring at us whenever we went out because he looked so different.

So just count your blessings that you had a healthy baby.

OP I completely get you on this and feel the same. My 1st was born 4 days before lockdown but by the time we got out the hospital it was too late for visitors etc before the lockdown came in to force. No classes, groups etc etc. My child didn't interact with another child until they were 15 months old! It makes me sad and upset that I was robbed of that time and now they're off to school in September.
When I look back at the photos it's sometimes hard seeing the same 4 walls in all of them when I see friends and family now with their babies doing everything I wanted to do.

I’m so sorry OP. I completely get what you’re saying. It’s like grieving for that new baby experience that you didn’t have. You need to somehow come to terms with it. Have you considered counselling? 🌷

Ive got teens and I always said how sorry I was for new mums during Covid. Awful. 😢

I know how you feel op, it was the same for me with my first DC. I don’t think anyone who didn’t have a baby in lockdown would understand. I’m on mat leave with my second DC now and it is so much better, I can’t emphasise how much happier I am. I find it really hard when first time mums are complaining about things at baby groups and I’m sitting there like at least you are here at the group with your baby for a break. And I don’t care about the hard bits this time as I’m just so happy to be out and seeing people.

As a pp said.. . Be grateful you have a baby. Try going over to the infertility forum and moaning about a lack of baby groups.

I think you need to realise that lockdown was shitty for everyone. There doesn't need to be a competition for who had the worst experience. You probably are a bit traumatised because first baby is a really difficult time, add to that the serious headfuck of a pandemic and I appreciate it would have been hard.

We all missed out on a chunk of our lives that should have been different. You could say oh well at least I wasn't a nurse on a covid ward, or having to homeschool my dc whilst holding down a WFH job, or scared I was going to die soon as I have asthma or over 70, or not see my grandchildren when they are young or totally isolated because I'm single or have my important exams fucked up, or experience university during lockdown.

To be honest the amazing baby years you seem to think others have fly by in a haze of sleeplessness and mangled nipples. Having babies isn't the glamorous holiday you think it should be. There's lots of us had those days where you can't eat or wash yourself. This experience isnt confined to lockdown. Some enjoy family help, others get nothing, others wish their in law's would piss off!!!

I think you need to reframe. You had a peaceful maternity leave spending lots of time as a little family unit. That's special in its own way. You have not missed your early years experience.

It does sound like it was difficult op. Could your mum not have come to help you out or was she isolating? People were allowed to visit those who needed mental health support. My next door neighbour had twins in the first lockdown and her parents came each day to support her- they all bubbled together I suppose. But I get that’s not always possible if your parents were shielding.
lockdown was a difficult time for mums in general I think. Particularly hard for new parents but also hard for those with toddlers, primary aged kids and teens. It was unprecedented and impossible at times to teach and entertain children and work home from and ensure they didn’t blow the house up all at the same time. The after effects ripple on for so many children. I think we could all dwell on it but it doesn’t help really and isn’t healthy to do so.

I am very sorry for everyone in that situation but it doesn’t negate the fact that having a baby in lockdown wasn’t a great experience and we are allowed to be sad about that. In lots of cases it led to pnd and awful birth and hospital experience too, it’s not just about not being able to go to a baby group.

Yes, like so many other situations like not being able to visit close relatives while in hospital. Hearing your beloved in pain, not knowing what's going on, having no power to be there and help, trusting the staff to take care completely when really they weren't. Horrific for all needing to be in hospital at that time, of course we feel aggrieved by it. So hard for you and others being there and also for the people who love you and want to be there, it was a no win situation. 💔

I feel you op, my twins were born Dec 2019so whilst we had a few weeks of normality, it didn't last.

However, my first baby was born in sunny May 2015. I didn't hold him for two weeks. The nurses made sure I got a hold before his operation at 13 days because he might not have survived. I didn't feed him until he was 9 weeks old. I didn't take him home until he was 13 weeks old. And we went back and forth for 18 months. I never got the "mat leave" my friends did. I had to quit work.

But you have to try and concentrate on what you have. A gorgeous kid about to embark on a life full of learning and wonder. My 8 yo fell asleep on my lap today. They don't suddenly grow to old for you. Enjoy this time. And if it's more than that, if you can't lift yourself out of this, it's ok to speak to your GP for some help

That's a really unfair comment. Try having a bit of compassion.

I dealt with fifteen years of infertility and then miraculously conceived and had my first and only baby just as covid hit.

Was it the maternity leave I dreamed of for all those years? Not at all.

Was I appreciative she arrived safely and we were all ok? You bet.

Four years is far too long to hold on to resentment and bitterness about the experience you didn't have. It was what it was. You're both ok. You now need to move on from it.

It's not healthy to let it eat you up. But it's your choice of you want to let it.

If no one could moan because someone else has it hard, these boards would be empty. I have every right to have found having a baby who nearly died several times and was poorly for 18 months in and out of hospital hard, and to talk about that, and to have found lockdown with newborn twins and homeschooling the aforementioned child hard. It doesn't invalidate anyone else's experience to talk about ones own.

I think these massive experiences inevitably come.with expectations - no doubt when you got pregnant.you were expecting a year of baby classes and maybe building a friendship with other mums, walks in the park & the joy of introducing your baby to friends and family.
You were bloody robbed, and it's fine & normal to feel sad and cheated.

BUT it's the.old 'accept the things I can't change' situation.

What you CAN do, is maybe book some days off to really enjoy your daughter, just the two of you before school. Take her to the park and a picnic and feed the ducks. Just go slow & relish her and build some lovely memories of now. Try and shift your focus to here and now.

It's hard. I'm sorry covid stole your mat leave.

I hear you OP. My first was born beginning of May 2020. It was such an unknown we just got on with it, but now I’ve had a ‘normal’ mat leave I appreciate it was rubbish!

Although, overall i’m glad I did lockdown with a small baby compared to any other age of child. How people survived cooped up inside all day with 3 or 4 year olds I don’t know!

I hear you OP. My little girl was born on 22nd March 2020 and it was far from the experience I'd envisaged.

I didn't have a "horrible" experience, I just felt like I didn't grow in confidence very quickly and so I was in that raw, anxious, new mum stage for much longer because I was doing things for the first time many months in (like popping to the shops). I was fortunate in that DH worked from home for the first few months so I had some company as I felt so isolated. I enjoyed new baby cuddles and walks but I would have done those without lockdown and I would have had more family support (my DM was CEV so had to shield entirely).

I breastfed for 14 months and it only occured to me when my friend had her second recently that I actually never breastfed in public because I never went anywhere for long enough.

I've come to terms with it now but I remember in 2022 my DH floated the idea of a second baby (we'd been on the fence but pretty sure sticking at one), and I suddenly became really teary because I was worried that having a different experience would bring up all those feelings of missing out and isolation again. Ultimately, we decided to stick with one.

It was a weird time and I feel like it just seems so surreal that it happened at all now, which I think in turn makes your feelings all the more raw. Of all the times to have a baby, a global pandemic at the same time, what are the odds of that?

Take care of yourself around this, and if you're really struggling, please reach out.

I’d look at it a different way. You had a healthy baby, others lost loved ones. Also what ‘allocated 1 hour’ you could go out once a day but there was no time limit so you could have gone out for longer each time. The works was tipped on its arse and I lost some people, you gained a beautiful healthy baby!

I completely understand op as my DC1 was also a lockdown baby. The worst part for me was the hospital experience and then lack of help after EMCS, GPs refusing f2f appointments etc.

I would say that having my DC2 has been healing in terms of a better birth.

I would say you are still being a bit unreasonable though on 2 grounds:

-This is a few years ago now, so if you’re still that angry about it, I would encourage some talking therapy

-Having 3 year old has made me have ultimate respect for parents who had little kids older than babies in lockdown. My son goes nuts in the house all day. So we didn’t have it the worst. Many people would have struggled and there is no point continuing to be so angry about it this far on. It won’t be doing you any favours.

You get the years that you’re given.

My gran got 1920s-1990s, including WW2 and the Cold War. But she also got to be a young woman in the 50s and 60s which must have been amazing, and she was a welder during the war and had a romance with an American soldier.

My mum got 1950s-present, so she saw men land on the moon when she was a teenager. She was a young woman in the 80s when women started to get equal rights and go out to work. She was the first generation to buy a house and a car and go to university. That was accompanied by massive unemployment, strikes, job losses, decline of British industry, etc.

I got 1980s onwards, so I saw technology go from zero to where it is now. I was the first generation to be able to have sex freely and live with someone before marriage. I also lived through the wars with Iraq and Russia, 9/11, the Covid pandemic, and whatever else is still to come.

My point is that yes of course we all wish that the shit things didn’t happen in our time. But we don’t get to choose that. We only get to choose what to do with the time we’re given. And we also get to experience the good things that happen along with the bad.

I find that knowing other people had similar experiences does help, it's an acknowledgement that it was awful in lots of ways. https://www.mothershipwriters.com/borninlockdown is good to read to know you weren't alone (although it does make me cry!)

I feel sad that my last baby was a "Covid" baby; yes I'd had two before her, but thst doesn't stop me from feeling sad about it. I think especially I know I won't be having any more.
Lockdown wasn't easy as I had a brand new baby, a very hormonal 13 yo, and a 10 yo who needed a lot of support with homeschooling!

I had my first baby in lockdown, standing at our window & showing DC to family is a feeling I'll never forget, I had such anxiety as a FTM & watching them walk away was so hard & isolating. I remember standing there thinking please don't go. If I am completely honest I do sometimes get a little jealous seeing friends who have had babies more recently get to spend time with family / go out to meet friends / baby groups BUT my husband WFH the whole way through my maternity so we all got to spend so much time together as a family which was amazing. It does still give me an anxious feeling whenever I think back to that time though.

My second DC was a lock down baby. My birth experience was horrendous as it was after lockdown, but before LFTs so any staff with cough or sneeze were told to stay at home and consequently the ward was very under staffed. I was left on my own for most of my (agonising) labour and by the time the midwife came to check on me I was fully dilated and DC was out 5 minutes later. No birth partner to advocate for me. No visitors for the next 4 days (had to stay in due to complications).

My first son was born pre-lockdown and was such a stark contrast. I had amazing care from the hospital and went to all the baby groups you mention and had such an enjoyable experience and I feel sad that my second son didn't get the same exposure to new experiences or time with wider family that his brother did.

Yanbu at all.

We had our 3rd just at the start of covid, but I think like others have said that was very different to having a 1st for so many reasons + depending on job roles/where you live the experiences will vary so wildly.

I can't really imagine what a nightmare it must have been missing out on support when you need it most with a 1st baby, plus all the firsts. Very different when you're on 3rd/4th and baby just fits in with a 'normal' routine which was actually so much simpler without being constrained as much with routine. Plus if someone in the house was suddenly working from home trying to keep a working environment with family/baby must have been impossible.

I think the reason that so many people expressed really enjoying the lockdown period was probably that they worked in an industry which carried on as normal allowing travelling around and interacting with lots of people at work and then being 'allowed' to visit family and friends who were supporting the childcare so you could goto work in the first place. So essentially an easy commute, if your preference is for walking/adventure activities and you lived near the countryside you were set!!

Personally I think having your first baby is horrifically hard whenever it happens and there's pros and cons to it all. My first was a few months old when lockdown happened and it was a massive relief for me when it did. You mention no one holding your baby - people constantly taking my baby off me to "have a cuddle" was honestly traumatic, I felt like I needed my baby and my baby needed me more than I can describe and she was always being ripped off of me. I also felt immense pressure to be out every day at groups and looking okay and having it together when I really should have just been curled up on the couch on hindsight. When lockdown hit that pressure was gone and I could finally breathe. Having visitors when you have a newborn is honestly so bad you can't imagine unless you've been there, it crippled me. I think everyone imagines that people rally round you and are so helpful when you have a newborn. My experience is it has as many cons as pros. Funnily enough my SIL gave birth a similar time to you and I felt so jealous of her, just her and her baby and nothing else mattered. I wouldn't pay attention to other people looking like they're having it better than you did, maybe they are, maybe they aren't, but it was hard for you and I'm sorry for that.