I need my brother-in-law out of my house but it will impact on his children

[MebraZebra]

Sorry guys but this is going to be an emotional dump. I live with my partner in a tiny 2 bed house and it's barely big enough for us. We're moving for a fresh start in a few months but there's one problem, his brother. He's been living with us rent free for 7 months now due to a relationship breakdown. He's unemployed, in debt and has just made a lot of stupid decisions. He never asked to move in, just showed up one day and never left and somehow even got a key cut! I told my partner I did not want his brother living with us but alas more and more of his stuff started showing up. Realistically I would have thrown him out months ago but there's a spanner in the works, he has 2 toddlers who are at my house constantly. They are here 4/7 days a week at least as their mother works (obviously he's unemployed so expected to do the child care? Idk and don't want to interfere in their system). They're messy, noisy and are displaying behaviour problems due to the awful situation they're in with their parents. They all live together in my spare bedroom which unfortunately was being used as storage prior to their arrival, I have nowhere else to put my stuff. It's not a good environment for the children, they have ruined my property, eating my food and my bills have sky rocketed. I've told my partner time and time again his brother is not moving house with us but he won't back me up because of the children, he doesn't want to make his brother homeless and the children's lives worse.

This whole situation has impacted my mental and physical health so much. I don't want to leave our bedroom on my days off work because I feel my privacy is non existent and I work nights so never get any sleep in the day due to the shouting kids. What on earth do I do?

AIBU if I tell him he has 6 weeks to go? This isn't my responsibility

Why have you bought a house and are not living in it? Or do you mean that you're in the process of selling this house and buying another?

If so, sell this house, take the money and walk away. Your BIL is a loser, your partner is too. Get out and well away from them whilst you can. Don't be a doormat.

@MebraZebra seems to have left the thread and is being very tight-lipped about the details of the situation.

I think, if you are working nights, it is completely reasonable to sleep in the day so you are within your rights to get angry with BIL for noisy DCs disturbing your sleep.

He needs to pay for food (and go out and buy and then cook it!) for his DCs and himself.

He needs to be told that his DCs have damaged things so he needs to pay to get them repaired/replaced.

He needs to contribute to bills.

Those are perfectly normal things to do even if you are living together by agreement - and not someone having moved in by stealth.

I would also start to make his life uncomfortable - you need to get a certain item from your things in storage early in the morning when you get home from work. I would forget to do a proper food shop and plan to have a meal out instead. I wouldn't do any laundry for him, and possibly even stop for DP, as you are so shattered from lack of sleep. I presume that both of these boyos are doing their fair share of the housework etc? If not, I would draw up a rota and only do your items (making sure they are the non-negotiables for you - clean toilet, clean bedroom and clean cooking space perhaps). Or make your room into your sanctuary and send DP to share with his DB.

I would be naming it clear to your not so dp that either he gives his db notice that the children cannot stay in the house during the day as you need to sleep and that he will not, repeat not , be moving with you, OR you are giving DP notice that you will be pulling out of the purchase of the new place, but not of the sale of the current place, as you will be wanting to extract your share of the value of the place. And that the relationship is over if he doesn't have your back.

Then you also need to tell BIL (as you can't trust DP to do so) that he won't be moving to the new place and that he needs to be making alternative arrangements.

Once you've got those immediate priorities sorted, then you need to take up with your not so dp the additional costs you've already incurred.

If this post had been 'my BIL has been with us for three nights, has asked me to have the children for a few hours whilst he goes to the council again for the second time this week, and I'm not at work when he's asked me to have them' then you'd, just maybe, be being unreasonable. You help family out, but this isn't helping them out for a night or two this is him taking the piss

Give him written notice to leave.

Give him a separate written notice with a breakdown of all the total costs incurred, including info on how much he would have paid in rent had he been renting a room from you.

Show your partner something similar but with how much money would be being thrown away if it went on for another year.

In black and white it looks very different and is hard to ignore.

I'm wondering if the new house has been purchased with it in mind that it has room for 3 adults and 2 children.

If not why would the brother think that he's even able to continue living with them once the move is finalised?

Why bother with all that crap. Just give him seven days to find somewhere else and in the meantime the children can not visit at all during the day. He can take them to the park if he wants to.

He never "somehow" got a key, your partner clearly got one cut for him!

Well that looks like it's not going to happen, so you're going to have to do it.

Even if you manage to get your partner's brother out of the house and make it clear to him he's not moving with you, your partner could just let him into your new house and the same shit starts all over again. Tbh I'd be rethinking the relationship and pulling out of the house purchase. Your partner does not have your back, you're not his priority. Moving to a new house won't change that.

Your partner is in a difficult situation but it’s his brother and he needs to tell his brother that this arrangement was only temporary and an End date needs to be agreed. Does he think he can stay living with you indefinitely?! Has he given you any ideas as to what his plans are? Also do you think he may be depressed?

He needs to go to the Council for emergency housing. That is his and ex-partner's problem.

But also return the children to mum to look after.

Send brother to his parents - who might re-direct him to the Council.

Don't give him 6 weeks. Focus his mind and give him 1 week.

You've been more than reasonable and over-extended for 7 months, which is not benefitting the children in any way.

No resentment?!

You are quite rightly, oozing resentment!

It's just that no one is concerned with your needs.

Stand up for yourself, no one else here will.

I think if my partner would not do it I would be telling them myself if I did not want relationship to end.

He needs to present as homeless at council saying you will chuck him out. The kids also need to go back to their mum and she needs to sort out her own childcare as she too , is taking advantage of your generosity. If she doesn't want her kids in a bedsit she'll have to find a solution won't she! They aren't your kids.

Totally agree!

Couldn’t he go to the council ask for help? Two kids, say they have no where to live , so officially homeless? Maybe it wouldn’t work though as they would argue the kids could live with mum

He's had seven months to get his stuff together and not done anything. If his kids end up in care, it may be the best thing for them and the kick he needs to get his life together.

You cannot continue to be his crutch.

What about ringing citizens advice (do they still exist?) and ask them what BIL needs to do to get his own place - I don't know how it works for a single man & part time young children but they will know. Or ring council & see what they say he should do. He's old enough to sort himself out but sometimes situations are overwhelming - you helping him should help you get him moving.

Worth a try

Mate, put your foot down. This is a completely untenable situation. Time to loose your shit properly. Working nights while your BIL looks after the kids in a small flat? Just NO, time to stop.

Sod the joint decision, your BIL and DH have been relying on you not to do anything. It's your house, you go to work to earn the money which you're paying for food and lodgings for your BIL and his dc.

Just say to him 'hi BIL, we'll be moving on x date, so you need to have alternative accommodation for you and your dc as you're not moving in with us'

Have you had an honest, supportive conversation with your BIL? I dont mean support him with free logging, I mean with compassion and practical help? Get in touch with the council, see how they can help, provide him with some direction. He may be in a very dark place.

Why can’t your BIL look after his children in their main home? He could then rent a room wherever for himself.