I need my brother-in-law out of my house but it will impact on his children

[MebraZebra]

Sorry guys but this is going to be an emotional dump. I live with my partner in a tiny 2 bed house and it's barely big enough for us. We're moving for a fresh start in a few months but there's one problem, his brother. He's been living with us rent free for 7 months now due to a relationship breakdown. He's unemployed, in debt and has just made a lot of stupid decisions. He never asked to move in, just showed up one day and never left and somehow even got a key cut! I told my partner I did not want his brother living with us but alas more and more of his stuff started showing up. Realistically I would have thrown him out months ago but there's a spanner in the works, he has 2 toddlers who are at my house constantly. They are here 4/7 days a week at least as their mother works (obviously he's unemployed so expected to do the child care? Idk and don't want to interfere in their system). They're messy, noisy and are displaying behaviour problems due to the awful situation they're in with their parents. They all live together in my spare bedroom which unfortunately was being used as storage prior to their arrival, I have nowhere else to put my stuff. It's not a good environment for the children, they have ruined my property, eating my food and my bills have sky rocketed. I've told my partner time and time again his brother is not moving house with us but he won't back me up because of the children, he doesn't want to make his brother homeless and the children's lives worse.

This whole situation has impacted my mental and physical health so much. I don't want to leave our bedroom on my days off work because I feel my privacy is non existent and I work nights so never get any sleep in the day due to the shouting kids. What on earth do I do?

AIBU if I tell him he has 6 weeks to go? This isn't my responsibility

Walk away. What a terrible way to treat you. The situation is a nightmare and your DH does not have your back. Reconsider the relationship because this is no way to live.

I can't help with the practicalities here but I do know that if I were in your situation the relationship would be dead. The love would be gone.
He doesn't care about you and he's such a wet bastard I'd have no respect for him.

You have had some good advice on here about how to go about it from other posters so just leave. There's no coming back from this. He's shown you where you rank in his priorities. You won't ever be able to forget he did this even if you do force him to fix it.

And you're right, he'll resent you for making him put you first and you'll resent him because you had to MAKE him do it.

Edited for paragraphs which disappeared

The issue is you want your partner to want to do this. Instead change your focus. He just has to do it. He can not want to but do it anyway. It doesn't matter as long as he does it. If you own the new house already I'd move in by myself now and tell your partner that BIL cannot come when it's time to leave the old house. Stand your ground. Do not let him in.

Get your partner to find him a new place as this cannot continue. It would be different if you were in a large house with lots of extra room so not on top of each other all the time and not been able to sleep when on shifts must be awful. It is now up to your partner to take control of the situation and get his brother down to the social welfare, housing and get him sorted as this is not a good environment for anyone as no space. Your partner's brother has to get himself sorted and obviously needs some help. Where do their parent's live, can he not move home for a bit with the children.

Then suck it up! You have no choice. His brother has no choice. DAH!

Sounds like brother dearest needs to present as homeless to the council. He can be house in emergency temp accommodation and look after the kids at their mums house.

I would give your other an ultimatum, you or him. And be prepared to follow through!

Your partner sucks frankly.

Sadly you are going to have to do the dirty work and tell him to go.

This is horrible. Does your partner think his brother can live with you forever?

I know you can't afford to live on your own but I'd tell him you want to split. You can sell the new place and look for a one bedroom. You can't survive like this forever. I'm so sorry. This would be my nightmare.

Get the money from selling your place and look into buying a smaller place. You don’t need this man and his brother and the brother’s kids using up your money. They are sponging off of you. Step away from this and into your new life without these losers. They can’t afford to live without you and look how they are treating you.

If you haven’t exchanged on the new house yet, this is what I’d do. I’d rather live in a one-bedroom flat on my own than with a partner who doesn’t respect me, plus his relatives.

Your ‘D’P is going to always default to making YOU the bad guy.

hes not going to do anything about this.

you may as well wade in now, kids or no kids and say that you’re not going to be offering him a place to stay any longer and it’s time he needs to find some thing else

or put it in writing. Give it to him and then all you need to say is, this is your notice and give him a month or whatever to leave your house.

I wanted to be a joint decision. That he would support me so there would be no resentment
I doubt he will support you, his brother has him by the balls, you need to get him by the balls and squeeze harder (ie give him an ultimatum)
Unless you can change your mindset here I think you are trapped.

Why would you want to tie yourself to a spineless wet lettuce of a man who doesnt respect you or your boundaries??

As for the brother, kick his selfish arse out!

kids arent there 3 days of a week just dicuss it then

I would call a family meeting and say “Your brother has something to tell you.” Then stare pointedly at DH until he cracks. If he doesn’t tell him, then he has had more than his chance. I would then state that “My DH hasn’t got the balls to tell you himself, so I will. You have been taking the piss for too long. You are to get you and your shit out of my home by (X date) and in that time I will be deciding if I am moving out with my DH or alone.”
I would have these statements up my sleeve too.
“We are not responsible for your decisions and have been dealing with the consequences for too long.”
”You are an adult and we are not your parents.”
”You need to man up.”
”How long did you expect that we would find you and your children? None of you are our responsibility.”
”I find it very difficult to believe that after your marriage breakup, that this is the first time you have been told that you are a parasite.”
”You have already broken up your own marriage, do you want to be the reason you brother gets divorced too?”
”Stop being a manipulative parasite and sort yourself out.”

Serve him notice. Do it in writing in email and CC your DH. Give him a months notice.

Separately tell him he needs to immediatly present himself as homeless to the council who will work to accommodate him and the children. Explain the sleep deprivation, the bills, the lack of privacy have reached the limit and you need your house back after supporting his family for 7 months.

on his eviction date call the police if refuses leave.

change locks

You want it to be a joint decision but your DH is not able to lay the law down. As a result your options are to put up and shut up or take action.

if these things are too difficult for him to say in person, start a WhatsApp group with all three of you in. State the eviction date and direct him to present himself as homeless to the county council now in preparation

Surely, the Council will have to house your brother in law as the children cannot be homeless. Your BIL needs to go the Council and declare the need. They might need to live in B&B for a while. I love children. However, this is not sustainable long term and the sooner a permanent solution is found the better.

Oh man, @MebraZebra—
I’ve read the full thread and you’re really up shit creek in a chickenwire canoe, aren’t you.
Freddie the freeloader and his brother Lennie the limpwrist are not being very kind to you.
I’d suggest having a serious Come to Jesus chat with your husband and lay out just how ridiculous this has gotten and how stressed you truly are and that if he doesn’t get Freddie the Freeloader OUT OF YOUR HOUSE within the next 30 days, you are going to (fill in the measures here, like divorce him, pull out of the sale, whatever you deem reasonable).
I’d also remind him that he’s been completely ignoring what you’ve been going through and prioritizing Freddie the freeloader.
And DO NOT let him gaslight you with “but the kids…” The kids are not yours. The kids are Freddie & his wife’s kids.
This has been a 7-month in the making problem, and your husband has got about 7 hours to get Freddie to get his arse out of your house in the next 30 days.
If he your husband can’t manage that — or if Freddie can’t manage that — well, then the shit — YOUR SHIT — is gonna hit the fan.
I’m so sorry. This is all so unnecessary and people who take advantage of other’s kindness and hospitality just suck.
You hang tough and make sure to find your inner Wonder Woman for your little Come to Jesus chat.
You’ll be grand. ❤️

He needs to go to council and declare himself homeless.

If BIL is looking after his children at yours while his wife is working why can't he look after them in their own home?

Op the impact of having no sleep is so dangerous.
You can not continue as you are. You are going to have to put your foot down and give the BIL to the end of the week to move out. I don’t know why you are worried about resentment, why isn’t anyone bothered about the resentment this is casing you? Or your heaith? Well being? Why isn’t your dp looking out for your needs?

This is a major red flag.

Hw won’t be made homeless op, he can become a lodger very easily with someone else. You have done more than enough already.

Get your arse into gear and move out. Soon.
Partner thinks more of his brother than he does of you.

You need to give your DP an ultimatum. He doesn't have your back.

Why are you allowing yourself to be miserable for the sake of people who don't give a shit about you?

To be honest if your DH tells him to go its only your BiL who will be homeless his kids live with thier mum so dont feel guilty your not putting his kids out on the street. He has made his own bed he will have to lie in it. Tell your DH he has to go before you move. Fir gid sake put your foot down hard. Get the key back too.