I need my brother-in-law out of my house but it will impact on his children

[MebraZebra]

Sorry guys but this is going to be an emotional dump. I live with my partner in a tiny 2 bed house and it's barely big enough for us. We're moving for a fresh start in a few months but there's one problem, his brother. He's been living with us rent free for 7 months now due to a relationship breakdown. He's unemployed, in debt and has just made a lot of stupid decisions. He never asked to move in, just showed up one day and never left and somehow even got a key cut! I told my partner I did not want his brother living with us but alas more and more of his stuff started showing up. Realistically I would have thrown him out months ago but there's a spanner in the works, he has 2 toddlers who are at my house constantly. They are here 4/7 days a week at least as their mother works (obviously he's unemployed so expected to do the child care? Idk and don't want to interfere in their system). They're messy, noisy and are displaying behaviour problems due to the awful situation they're in with their parents. They all live together in my spare bedroom which unfortunately was being used as storage prior to their arrival, I have nowhere else to put my stuff. It's not a good environment for the children, they have ruined my property, eating my food and my bills have sky rocketed. I've told my partner time and time again his brother is not moving house with us but he won't back me up because of the children, he doesn't want to make his brother homeless and the children's lives worse.

This whole situation has impacted my mental and physical health so much. I don't want to leave our bedroom on my days off work because I feel my privacy is non existent and I work nights so never get any sleep in the day due to the shouting kids. What on earth do I do?

AIBU if I tell him he has 6 weeks to go? This isn't my responsibility

You need to dump your “partner” and let yy
our partner find suitable accommodation for them, their brother and his kids.

When you move, BiL will follow otherwise.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

This is relationship ending territory. Your partner needs to realise he stands to lose you if he cannot tell his brother to move out. I would have gone insane by now

it would be unreasonable to give him 6 weeks yes. I’d tell him he had 7 days to out whereupon the locks will be changed and his stuff will be in bags out front. And if your partner doesn’t like it tell him to fuck off too. His brother’s kids aren’t your problem

I'm sure I'd want to do that if I was the OP.
BUT, how is that likely to pan out?
I think there would be a horrible ugly scene, her partner would intervene & then BIL would get his feet back under the table & she'd be the bad guy.
BIL is waiting for the move to the new place where he can have a proper bedroom for his 2 children and never leave, he's got the upper hand here and will sponge off you both for ever more.

His kids have their Mum’s house I assume. He can do the daily childcare there until he gets his own place. So a 7 day deadline to get out is more than reasonable.

If the sale had gone through get legal advice asap on selling your part or your dp buying you out. The main thing is to get away from these disrespectful people. Tell this loser to leave at the weekend with all his stuff and kids stuff.. Anything left you’ll charge him the cost of a skip or trip to the dump. The kids can stay with their mother. They are not your problem. Change the locks tomorrow as well so that this man does not have a key. Tell your dp to clear up the mess. Get legal advice on getting your part of the house so that you can start your own life.

Time to have some stern words with DH... new house, new home life!
I would raise concerns about the brother living in a spare bedroom wit 2 small children... it's not healthy, both physically and mentally for all 3 of them.

Have the adress or phone number for your local council / housing department ready and suggest the brother to present himself as homeless with the children in tow. This can be followed up by a letter confirming the sale of your current property....

Show him how much his "D"B costs. Tell him where the money could go instead - Something DH really loves or much needed renovations on the new house.

... I am sure there are other points you can raise.

In the end, if DH doesn't come to his senses, have a long chat with yourself and decide if this is the kind of relationship you want.

I would tell him that I am pulling out of buying the next property. If you are not expecting to move for a few months then presumably you haven't yet exchanged contracts. I would tell him that his brother has 6 weeks to find somewhere else to go, and someone else to mooch off and at that point it was either him or me.

If he's not out in 6 weeks then I would be ending the relationship and telling your bf you are dumped and I'll be moving out and expecting my share of the property.

It's the only way he's going to listen.

This is ruining your relationship

you Need to tell your dp this

you should be having a wonderful kid free time. Do you have sex like a carefree young couple? (Sorry but it’s an indicator of how far his brother has plunged your relationship into the shitter)

I would consider halting the new house purchase and asking dp to buy you out so you can leave him. Can your parents help you buy an alternative property on your own?

One thing to remember is your buyers soliciters will expect the property empty of tennants / family and yourself

so this could be difficult if your DH refuses to kick his brother out or if brother refuses to move

Well you're fucked then really aren't you? Because he will move with you, your partner doesn't give a shit how you feel and you'll be stuck with him.
Maybe you need to reconsider your relationship as a last resort.

Realistically your dp and his db and dc seem to be a package deal now. You need to base future decisions on this, especially binding financial ones.

Is your dp working, and how are the finances split?

if your DP won’t grow a pair and tell him to move out,then what’s stopping you telling him, OP? It might be DP’s brother, but its a jointly owned house, so you have every right to do this.

Are you afraid that your DP would undermine you, if you did this?

And if you gave your DP an ultimatum, ie it’s you or the brother, how would that pan out?

I know it should be an obvious choice, but so many men are really weak when it comes to family members

The piss people will take when they have you ‘stuck’.

They are paying you no mind, because they know you can’t afford to live on your own.

That is not a good position to be in, and especially not with a partner who doesn’t value your feelings or mental well-being.

I’d start working on that as a priority.

He won't get help unless he's made homeless. He needs to call the local homeless helpline and arrange a place for himself and his kids. What a ridiculous living situ. Your partner isn't husband material, I'm afraid....

Definitely need an ultimatum. And stick to it.

I wanted to be a joint decision. That he would support me so there would be no resentment.

Unfortunately you are going to have to do the dirty work. Ask him what his plans are when you guys move, because he is not coming

Yet you don't seem to mind your own growing resentment. Just tell the bil to move out. he needs to learn to take responsibility for himself. sounds like he makes stupid decisions and expects everyone else to bail him out. He's a parent, he needs to provide for his dc.

But it isn't a joint decision. It's only you who wants his brother gone. So you're going to have to play hardball unfortunately.

Back out now. Please.

Just you feeling unhappy with your house trashed and you paying for the food bill and no doubt everything else. So the joint niceness hasn’t happened to you. Tell your dp enough is enough. You deserve better. Get your own place by selling this place and buying/renting on your own. They are freeloaders.

Has BIL made a good faith effort for find work or is he being a lazy bugger? That would determine my approach.

If he's generally a good guy in a bad situation and has been trying to find work then I'd see if I could help him get a job somehow. Job hunting is time consuming and if he's got toddlers running around distracting him then with a bit of additional help he might be able to find something.

If you feel like he's taking the piss then perhaps a more aggressive approach is needed.

If your BIL is not working who is feeding the kids at your house ? And with what ?