I need my brother-in-law out of my house but it will impact on his children

[MebraZebra]

Sorry guys but this is going to be an emotional dump. I live with my partner in a tiny 2 bed house and it's barely big enough for us. We're moving for a fresh start in a few months but there's one problem, his brother. He's been living with us rent free for 7 months now due to a relationship breakdown. He's unemployed, in debt and has just made a lot of stupid decisions. He never asked to move in, just showed up one day and never left and somehow even got a key cut! I told my partner I did not want his brother living with us but alas more and more of his stuff started showing up. Realistically I would have thrown him out months ago but there's a spanner in the works, he has 2 toddlers who are at my house constantly. They are here 4/7 days a week at least as their mother works (obviously he's unemployed so expected to do the child care? Idk and don't want to interfere in their system). They're messy, noisy and are displaying behaviour problems due to the awful situation they're in with their parents. They all live together in my spare bedroom which unfortunately was being used as storage prior to their arrival, I have nowhere else to put my stuff. It's not a good environment for the children, they have ruined my property, eating my food and my bills have sky rocketed. I've told my partner time and time again his brother is not moving house with us but he won't back me up because of the children, he doesn't want to make his brother homeless and the children's lives worse.

This whole situation has impacted my mental and physical health so much. I don't want to leave our bedroom on my days off work because I feel my privacy is non existent and I work nights so never get any sleep in the day due to the shouting kids. What on earth do I do?

AIBU if I tell him he has 6 weeks to go? This isn't my responsibility

Where are his parents in all this? What are they doing to help? Also, have you considered that evicting him might benefit him in terms of housing support. Could you frame it that way to your partner.

And the way you are going to play it when you have the conversation is that WE are wondering if you have contacted the council about accommodation as WE are moving and there will be no room as WE need the spare rooms for hobbies ( invent some )

If you make him homeless, he will get (I think) emergency accommodation. I think it’s a choice for your dp between him and you. You have to tell the bil and your dp. The children can go to their mum’s/childcare.

Spoiler: this isn't going to happen.

You kick out the brother and he resents you.
The brother stays and you resent your partner.

Decide what YOU want and just get on with it.

Why would you want to be with a man who has no respect for your wishes, no care for your home, is fine with putting a financial burden on you and walks all over your boundaries?

Pull out, rent a room. What's the bet his brother manages to find a job

I agree.

It sounds like he’s the residential parent too and so he will be able to get someone easier than if he was on his own.

Tell DH that you both need to speak to him about it this week.
He needs to be getting things started as it can take weeks/months to find somewhere still.

If DH doesn’t agree then speak to BIL yourself and explain how he needs to get on the council list etc.

It doesn’t matter if his toddlers are around.

JFC woman, you want it to be a joint decision? It wasn't a joint decision that he over stayed and took over with his toddlers was it?

So why does it have to be to get him to leave.

Besides, it sounds to me no one has actually had the conversation about him not coming with you. You can have an assumptive conversation, if your DH objects after you can say "so you were planning on him coming with us"

You should tell your BIL that he should be looking for somewhere to live or going to the council given you are moving soon.

That way it's clear, he's not moving with you.

Honestly you definitely have a DH issue

Honestly, at this point I wouldn't feel 'safe' even if you convince your husband to grudgingly tell his brother he can't move with you. What's to stop him lying that he's found a place or finding somewhere temporary and then showing up on your doorstep at your new home, a month or two after you've settled in?

Your husband needs to fully recognise and acknowledge that this isn't a viable living situation for any of you and commit to not allowing it to continue.

Same! This sounds absolutely horrendous on every level. They’re all taking the piss out of you.

Sit your partner down and tell him you’ve found somewhere else to live and that you won’t be contributing to the mortgage, housework, childcare etc…

Pack a bag and book a hotel or stay with a friend for a few days but make it seem like you have gone for good. You need to be as convincing as possible and say you are leaving your partner to live with his brother, you could even visit some estate agents and leave property details out on show.

After a few days without you there and the realisation your partner will be paying for his brother on his own and won’t have your income and could potentially lose everything then he might come to his senses. If he doesn’t back down you know what your future would be like and who is more important.

He needs to really believe you won’t be coming back and then hopefully he’ll act as quickly as possible. I’m sure his brother has saved money or if he presents as homeless he will get accommodation. If nothing changes then nothing changes.

I was in this position briefly when my partner’s brother who lives in another country mentioned moving to the UK after being offered a job and wanted to stay with us till he found somewhere. I lasted 2 nights where I was cooking and cleaning up after them and I said I wasn’t having it and went and stayed with a friend and said I wasn’t coming back. I told my partner could support his brother knowing full well he couldn’t afford to live on his own, his brother would have likely refused to contribute as he wanted to save for his own house.

The difference in our situation was my partner didn’t want his brother there but he was put under a lot of pressure from his family to put him up. His brother would have made a lot more money working here and would have probably only stayed a few weeks till he found somewhere more suitable as he has a wife and kids and wanted them to move to the UK as well. We didn’t have the room for all of them and even if we did I wouldn’t have let them move in!

When I hastily skedaddled it forced my partner to act and his family weren’t happy with me but they had to back down and stop pressuring my partner to let his brother stay. Suddenly the idea was less appealing if they didn’t have my financial support and me being a maid for them. It wasn’t DP who expected this but he comes from a country where women are expected to wait on men and his brother still expected that, DP just felt torn between family loyalty and loyalty to me and I forced his hand.

Your partner knows you are trapped as you are buying a house together, he is expecting you to just put up with this forever and if you don’t act now then you will be stuck with his brother and the kids forever. The only way this will change is if he really believes you are serious about leaving.
If you do decide to put this plan in place and he doesn’t ask his brother to leave and doesn’t try to stop you or change anything then you know that’s the way it’ll be forever. At that point you really do need to find a way to move out for good.

What you can't do, is keep finding that you can't live in your own home, while paying more expensive bills on your own. What stage is the purchase at? You're at the stage of sinking good money after bad here. You need to try to complete the current sale but pull out on the purchase; so get some good legal advice before you speak any further with your boyfriend.

You need your tell DP & the brother you'd like a family meeting by without children present to discuss the house move.

Once you have the two if them together you need to say to the brother that you would like him to move out and he is not invited to move with you to the new house.
Or else you'll be pulling out of the house purchase and leaving.

I’d walk. Pull out of the new house purchase. Take your half of the purchase money from your current home and use it as a deposit for something cheaper- smaller or in a less expensive area. Live your life in peace away from his dysfunctional family!

The good news is you aren’t married to your DP, don’t have any dcs and have a buyer for your current home.

time for a serious talk. I’d be considering walking away with my share of deposit/equity in current house to buy a smaller flat alone. You might still decide to build a life with this man, but his actions aren’t great right now.

Yet another one where the first post gets it spot on

And with two children to care for your BIL wouldn't be homeless if he's asked to leave - something your partner will know perfectly well but probably prefers not to acknowledge

Your partner knows you are trapped as you are buying a house together

As you went on to suggest, she's not trapped until the house is actually bought, and not even then
The obvious thing to do is pull out of the purchase and use her half of the equity towards somewhere else, but of course that's got to be up to the OP

I'd be giving your husband an ultimatum.
Me or him.

Kick them both out and contact social services. Those poor, poor kids. They deserve so much better

You do realise that it was your boyfriend who gave him a key and told him he could stay, don't you?

You’re trying to avoid your partner resenting you but the reality (and main problem) is he doesn’t actually respect you?

If you gave him an ultimatum he’s going to pick his brother isn’t he? That’s the crux, he’s ok for you to have a breakdown to avoid actually dealing with him.

Honestly, you say you can’t leave and you couldn’t live on your own but the relationship isn’t going to survive this level of dysfunction long term either. Whether you pull out of the new house tomorrow, or you’ll be separating when brother moves in with you to the new place in six months, or a year. Or however long it takes for you to snap, which your partner doesn’t seem overly concerned with.

Is your husband from a different cultural background from you? This sounds like my ex, moved his brother into our one bedroom flat, no discussion, we had a non-sleeping baby, he stayed a year, ruined my mental health, our relationship never recovered. It was miserable. We argued so much till eventually he told his brother to go, his brother hated me, I didn't give a crap.

Of course it's not easy

But what's the alternative?

And how realistic is that now?

Who is paying for all this? How do you split the bills?

How far along with the purchase are you?

Now you've had a pretty unanimous response, what are your current thoughts?

Are your parents around? What do they think?

If you wait for a joint decision you'll be waiting forever. Your DP does not care about how you feel - you are waiting for him to show you he's a decent human being who cares about you but he is showing you by his actions (or inaction) that you are bottom of his list of priorities.

@MebraZebra

Have you had to contribute more money into the bill-paying pool to subsidize the BIL and kids? If so, stop doing it right now. Only pay the amount you were paying before they squatted in your house, including the difference in utilities. Then, keep putting that extra aside in an account that is just yours.

Give DP an either/or choice and if he still feels he needs to keep supporting his LGFN NVDB, then pull out of the house buying, finish your house sale and move on with your life. I am sure your DP and BIL want the bigger house so BIL can declare more area for himself.