I need my brother-in-law out of my house but it will impact on his children

[MebraZebra]

Sorry guys but this is going to be an emotional dump. I live with my partner in a tiny 2 bed house and it's barely big enough for us. We're moving for a fresh start in a few months but there's one problem, his brother. He's been living with us rent free for 7 months now due to a relationship breakdown. He's unemployed, in debt and has just made a lot of stupid decisions. He never asked to move in, just showed up one day and never left and somehow even got a key cut! I told my partner I did not want his brother living with us but alas more and more of his stuff started showing up. Realistically I would have thrown him out months ago but there's a spanner in the works, he has 2 toddlers who are at my house constantly. They are here 4/7 days a week at least as their mother works (obviously he's unemployed so expected to do the child care? Idk and don't want to interfere in their system). They're messy, noisy and are displaying behaviour problems due to the awful situation they're in with their parents. They all live together in my spare bedroom which unfortunately was being used as storage prior to their arrival, I have nowhere else to put my stuff. It's not a good environment for the children, they have ruined my property, eating my food and my bills have sky rocketed. I've told my partner time and time again his brother is not moving house with us but he won't back me up because of the children, he doesn't want to make his brother homeless and the children's lives worse.

This whole situation has impacted my mental and physical health so much. I don't want to leave our bedroom on my days off work because I feel my privacy is non existent and I work nights so never get any sleep in the day due to the shouting kids. What on earth do I do?

AIBU if I tell him he has 6 weeks to go? This isn't my responsibility

Is there any way you can get out of buying the new house?

I wouldn't want to interrupt the children's lives but I wouldn't want to live with him, so I think I'd see if my partner could buy me out and if so, then I'd be off.

If he can't afford to buy you out then I'd insist on selling but not buying another house together. Your BIL will follow you wherever you go.

It could be worth investing in the deposit for a rental for him. He'll get the rent paid and money towards the children.

that's why the brothers are ignoring you, they know you are trapped

This has gone on for so long because you've allowed it to. Sorry, but that's the truth. Don't use his kids being there as an excuse. Walk right up to him right now and say he has four weeks to find another place to crash. Don't engage in conversation because there's nothing else to say. Just do it.

Your BIL will follow you wherever you go
If OP lives with her current partner then yes I'd say BIL will follow them like a shadow & her partner will allow it because there is a woman there to do domestic work.
If OP decides to cut loose I doubt her current partner would want the entire burden of his brother & family.

I echo what everyone else has said, move out and get your own place. Rent a flat. Surely anything is better than your current situation.

The guy isn't going anywhere. You're both due to move into your new place in a few months and he hasn't bothered to find anywhere to live? He hasn't mentioned flat viewings or anything? You know what that means, he's moving with you and your partner. You're never getting rid of him and your lovely partner doesn't give a shit how you feel, he expects you to shut up and put up with it... and you have so far for 7 months.

Get out now. Yes you might lose money but fuck it, life is too short to be with a man with no backbone.

I want to tell him to leave but can never seem to get him without the children being present
That will be a deliberate strategy on BIL's part.

Surely having the children 4/7 makes him primary parent, in which case he needs to present as homeless to the local council.
If he's having the children more than half the time but isn't seen as primary parent then he needs to agree with his ex that he should be or she needs to house the children.

Just love ppl telling op to move out herself as if moving out is as easy as going to the shops to get some milk.🙄

He never asked to move in, just showed up one day and never left and somehow even got a key cut!

Say what? Do you have any authority over what happens in your own home?

You're not wrong!
However, as things stand OP has NO LEVERAGE WHATSOEVER, she is trapped and may have to take a hit in order to escape.

Somehow got a key cut ? Your DH got one cut for him .

Tell him to present himself as homeless with 2 children to the council first thing tmw. They'll find him emergency accommodation

What an awful situation!

OP you need to take it on yourself to tell him to move out, with a concrete date/ deadline. Spell out the consequences if he doesn’t - ie his brother’s getting divorced.

Either ask him to step away from the kids or say it in front of the kids. They’ll be ok somehow. It’s not your circus to organise for him.

You tell your DP either his brother goes or you do. This is your house so you get equal say. Regardless of the children being there you will need to tell him he has to go. Have you already exchanged on your onward purchase? If not I would continue with the sale split the money and go your separate ways. Your partner cares more about his brother than you so that would clinch it for me.

Stressed reading this.

I’d walk.

Maybe you should take the bull by the horns given DH won't. "Time for you to start looking for somewhere to live". It needs to be clear that he's not moving with you. It's an absolute sodding cheek of him. It's one thing putting somebody up while they sort themselves out but he's made no effort to find a job and will expect to move with you. You're going to have to tell him yourself but I'd be questioning a relationship with somebody who doesn't have your back.

I know, right? Like it's that easy! Some eople haven't got a clue.

I thought I might be in your position with DP’s brother, but when I suggested that we might have to put the brother up for a while, DP booted it into touch immediately and never wavered. He knew the brother would drive us both spare, and refused to even consider it. Luckily push never came to shove, but I always appreciated that DP put our needs and wellbeing first.

To paraphrase something often posted here, you’re being set on fire to keep someone else warm. Your DP is being an absolute mug, and his brother knows it - and can’t believe his luck, I’d say. And to echo others here, you’ve got to bring out the big guns, OP, this is unacceptable on so many levels.

Good luck.

If you are the one to force the BIL out OP then they will blame you for whatever things go wrong in his life next. Not saying you shouldn't force him out but be ready to call them out & shut them down if they try to blame you.

The underlying issue (imo) is that your partner is happy to sacrifice your well being in order to prop up his brother. This might not change.

Why should op move out? Just give an ultimatum, either he leaves or you throw him out. If he does not, wait til the children are not there and get this guys stuff and start throwing it out of the door. Don’t stop until he leaves, make a scene.

I'd be pulling out of the house move and telling your idiot partner and his freeloading brother to fuck off. Your partner's brother and his kids are not your problem. How have you put up with this shit for 7 months in a tiny 2 bed house?

This is a chance OP for you to realise where you are in the pecking order and that is right down at the bottom of the pile. Honestly I'd be cutting your losses and end the relationship.

Do you know yet why your partner's brother's relationship broke down? He sounds like a dreadful housemate and father.

Fuck. That.

Your partner has shown no interest or respect for your quality of life. No way would I be sharing my life with someone like that.

Pull out of the house sale right away. Sell your place and take your part of the sale to start a new life. Your dp is the same as his brother. You deserve better and that starts with you living your own life without these cf leeching losers.

Your partner will never have your back. Ever.

So either you move to a bigger place with him, bil and kids
Or buy partner out of the house you are in and throw bil out as the legal owner
Or sell and use your equity elsewhere.

No house is worth this stress, better to live with strangers in a rental than be taken as a mug by these two.