I need my brother-in-law out of my house but it will impact on his children

[MebraZebra]

Sorry guys but this is going to be an emotional dump. I live with my partner in a tiny 2 bed house and it's barely big enough for us. We're moving for a fresh start in a few months but there's one problem, his brother. He's been living with us rent free for 7 months now due to a relationship breakdown. He's unemployed, in debt and has just made a lot of stupid decisions. He never asked to move in, just showed up one day and never left and somehow even got a key cut! I told my partner I did not want his brother living with us but alas more and more of his stuff started showing up. Realistically I would have thrown him out months ago but there's a spanner in the works, he has 2 toddlers who are at my house constantly. They are here 4/7 days a week at least as their mother works (obviously he's unemployed so expected to do the child care? Idk and don't want to interfere in their system). They're messy, noisy and are displaying behaviour problems due to the awful situation they're in with their parents. They all live together in my spare bedroom which unfortunately was being used as storage prior to their arrival, I have nowhere else to put my stuff. It's not a good environment for the children, they have ruined my property, eating my food and my bills have sky rocketed. I've told my partner time and time again his brother is not moving house with us but he won't back me up because of the children, he doesn't want to make his brother homeless and the children's lives worse.

This whole situation has impacted my mental and physical health so much. I don't want to leave our bedroom on my days off work because I feel my privacy is non existent and I work nights so never get any sleep in the day due to the shouting kids. What on earth do I do?

AIBU if I tell him he has 6 weeks to go? This isn't my responsibility

So you say you have already bought the new house together but aren’t expected to move in yet. Can you move into the new house already on your own and leave your DP to sort his brother and children out ? Or maybe it’s not built yet.

The most crucial factor for you here, is the fact that you can’t sleep during the day which, if you are working night shifts, is totally unacceptable. You must protect your health at all costs in order to be able to continue to work.

If your DP can’t sort his brother out by encouraging him to look for alternative accommodation, I would leave the house altogether and find somewhere else for your own health. Go back to your parents, or lodge with a friend, or rent a bed sit. But get out before your health deteriorates.

Your DP has to ensure that his brother is at least paying his way, looking for employment and seeking benefits. If your brother wishes to house him and fund him out of pity, then so be it. But his pity is mis-placed and unhelpful; you mustn’t support him financially to do that.

A drastic intervention is needed here and it sounds to me that the two brothers are far too casual about this situation and not at all pro- active. (The children are also suffering which is intolerable.)

It’s therefore down to you to save yourself from the pair of them.
Don’t be afraid to put yourself first OP. Think of your own future.

Seven months? Jesus wept. If your partner says 'he will ask him to leave but never does' then he obviously agrees with you, even if he doesn't follow through. So tell him again that BIL needs to go and then do the dirty work yourself. It won't be easy, but you cannot continue with the current situation.
However, this would probably be the end of the relationship for me anyway. A future with somebody who just does not have your back is a pretty bleak one.

Here is what you need to tell your bil
Turn up at the local council (usually later in the day) and tell them he is homeless with 2 small children
They will place him in emergency housing and then support him to find a job, apply for support etc
This is not your responsibility! He needs to step up

I ticked your being unreasonable to of allowed this to go on for 7 months .
He's not paid anything to food or bills either
How are you expected to sleep in the day with toddlers there .
Absolutely no one has your back here .
Your bf clearly has no intention of telling the brother to leave .
This will continue for as long as the brothers want it to.
In your shoes I'd leave ,get a house share ,pull out of the new house sale

His brother is never going to leave. You need to sit your DH down and tell him that if he doesn’t tell his brother to leave then you are leaving, he can’t expect you to live like this.

I think you’ve received consistent advice here OP. You need to make some hard decisions because the status quo is untenable. The sooner you make those decisions the better the outcome for you.

By the way - I think you have a partner problem as well as a partners brother problem. These things should be handled as a team and they haven’t been.

“I wanted to be a joint decision. That he would support me so there would be no resentment.”

Sorry, that’s just not going to happen. There will be huge resentment from the wastrel freeloading brother, but that’s not your problem. If your DP won’t support you, then you will sadly have to go it alone - I can’t think you ever intended to live with two brothers, much less I’ll-behaved toddlers that aren’t yours. This has gone on FAR too long, and the lazy BIL has got his feet well under the table - time, as others have said, to lay out a few home truths. Just as a starter for ten, tell him he needs to look after his children in their own home - absolutely no reason why you should have to put up with them, much less pay for them. And tell your DP that if he prefers to keep house with his bro over you, then it’s time for you to leave.

He's not going to. It doesn't bode well for the future does it? I'd be having a serious re-think about your relationship if I were you.

Yeah we both own our current property and have bought the next property together. He keeps saying to me that yes he will ask him to leave and then never does. We aren't expected to move in for a few months but I'm at my wits end now. I want to tell him to leave but can never seem to get him without the children being present. It's such a messy situation.

OP, you say you both own your current property and you have already bought your next property but won't be moving in for a few months. If what you say is accurate, you and your husband jointly own two properties. Yes? That's what you've said.

You have a solution there in your hands. You move into the new property now and leave DH and BIL at your current home with the children. They don't get a key to the new property. If you stay strong and don't crumble your DH has several options:

Stay in the house with BIL while you stay in the new house. If he's on the mortgage he'll have to continue paying his part of the mortgage.
Throw BIL out and dispose of the 2-bed house.
Rent the 2-bed house to BIL.
Divorce you.

Whichever way, problem solved.

You have to save your own life, OP. Withdraw from the house purchase, evict everyone from your home (or buy another house on your own) and get a lodger to help pay the bills. You can’t help people like this.

Contact social services about the children if you think that’s necessary. They are not your responsibility.

Your partner didn't consult you about his brother moving in, you didn't collectively agree what time limit should be set on his living there, and you can't agree on the fact he needs to move out. You have a relationship problem and a DP problem.

Tell your DP his brother has to move out within 30 days. If he doesn't, you will. You'll sell the house, take half the equity and start a new life. It's supporting his leech of a brother, or choosing you. His choice.

That’s a horrific situation! Of course you can’t all squeeze into a tiny place. He needs to go.

Talk to your partner and ask him if he is capable of making this decision or if with his support he wants you to do this for the both of you. He might be enmeshed and unable to do it but happy for you to tell him to leave with his support.
font wait until you move, give him 2 weeks notice now and that’s being generous. You need the spare room and house empty to pack and move if selling especially.
My DH wanted me to lead the LC with his parents and I was happy to be the fall out guy for him to get the distance needed

I live with my partner

Are you married to him? That should make splitting up simpler, if not!

Tell your BIL to go to the Council ASAP. Housing will put him and his two children in emergency accommodation the same day.

And everything everyone has said.

I can’t fathom how you have put up with this for seven months. And you’re working nights and unable to get quality sleep during the day. This is crazy!

Why can’t BIL look after his kids at their mother’s home whilst she’s at work four days pw?
Ultimately, their drama and their inability to adult effectively is not your problem.

Do whatever you need to do to get sleep, peace and respect, even if that means ending the relationship with your partner.

Tell your partner that unless he gives his brother notice now to leave no later than the end of the month, the new purchase is off and you will be leaving.

I believe he has to be homeless for councils to give accommodation. With very small children he will be priority.

Re properties - you may have to pay capital gains tax when you sell current owned residence if you delay move to new house as you are currently owning 2 properties. Do not delay moving.

@MebraZebra

I wanted it to be a joint decision. That he would support me so there would be no resentment.

So you don’t want your DP to resent you when you issue the BIL an ultimatum to leave, But what about you?

You’re already upset and resentful yet your DP doesn’t seem to care about your feelings and is still prioritising his brother over you!

Why are you allowing your DP to treat you with such obvious contempt?

You say you’ve already bought your next property so I’m guessing that your DP and his brother have already decided that BIL will stay in your old house (rent free?) for ever more?

Stop putting the feelings of these men before your own and decide what you want to happen and make it so.

I sympathise op.
The brothers are using you as part of the solution both financially and practically for fuck up situation Bil has created.
You've stated enough is enough. Ultimatum time.
Time for dh to choose.. you or his brother. Get your plan B ready.

Your partner is lying to you. His brother didn’t get a key cut “somehow”. Your partner gave it to him or gave him his keys. Fact is he wants his brother living there, but just doesn’t want to say it outright to you. If you have an offer on your house but haven’t exchanged yet I would tell your partner that if his brother isn’t gone within a fortnight that you will proceed with the sale of the current house, but don’t want to buy again together. Hopefully that will focus him a bit. You can’t keep subsiding his brother, kids and ex wife.

This is important to note, ypu can't sleep during the day because of the kids, ehich will affect your health.I know from my own family experience.

Just to reiterate OP, you mentioned that you want it to be a joint decision (telling BIL to leave) but up until now, none of it has been a joint decision - your BIL and his DC moving in, staying for 7 months, costing you higher bills, wrecking the place, BIL getting a key, etc. None of that has been joint.

Show your partner the same treatment - do not entertain a joint decision on this. Make it a single decision - YOURS.

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if repeating.

If your partner won't ask his brother to leave and he ends up moving with you to the new house it's pretty much a dead cert that he'll be living with you until he decides its time to find somewhere else or he meets another person and moves in with them.

You may need to be the one that has to think long and hard as to whether you're happy with how he's working it as you do sound on your own about him moving out, so if you do decide to go through with the move and him following your partner may take that as you're OK with it.

I agree 100%. Your partner facilitated your BIL moving in. I have 2 boys myself. Men can always make sure the other party understands where they stand. You are being taken for a ride.

I rather got the impression that the children officially reside with their mother. If that's the case, the council won't have a duty to help the brother unless he is vulnerable in some way, eg disability, mental health issues etc. Most councils will only provide temporary accommodation to those where they have a statutory duty.

If there's a dispute as to which parent the children live with, and no court order specifying residence, they regard the children to reside with whichever parent gets the child benefit for them.

But that doesn't alter the fact that your DP needs to grow a pair and tell his DB to find himself somewhere to live pdq and that it's time he went.

If he doesn't, this would be a deal breaker for me, OP. I think you need to have a very frank discussion with him along the lines that either you move as a couple, not a trio, and that if he won't step up, you'll be pulling out of the purchase and getting a place on your own, even if it means you have to rent for a while.