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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

584 replies

Vlop · 09/05/2024 05:49

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

OP posts:
Itloggedmeoutagain · 09/05/2024 10:42

ChampagneLassie · 09/05/2024 10:34

in Tokyo with my ex-husband he went to an internet cafe, got a translation for medication and went to 4 pharmacy’s and bought a bunch of stuff to try to help me when I was ill. I’m pretty sure current DP would do similar. I don’t think you princessey. This is what you can expect as others have said imagine you’re struggling with a wee baby. I’d ditch him

Did you have a cold?

Willtheraineverstop · 09/05/2024 10:45

Seagrassbasket · 09/05/2024 06:19

Lovey - you weren’t delusional unless you had a temperature over about 42, in which case you needed a hospital, not a lemsip.

Do you not carry basic medication around in your bag when travelling?

I agree a partner not taking care of you when you are sick is definitely a red flag. But you are sounding like a princess here.

You can be delusional for lots of reasons, you don't need a temp of 42 specifically

'lovey' ??

Calliecarpa · 09/05/2024 10:49

DoYouSmokePaul · 09/05/2024 10:21

Some people on here are so horrible, I’m glad they are not my partner. When my DH is ill or in need, I will do whatever to help him. Because I love him a d he would do the same for me. I can’t imagine not doing this for someone I care about. Height of selfishness.

OP had a cold, not bubonic plague. Her boyfriend tried twice to help her, at night, even though he had to get up early for work the next day, but she's still moaning because he couldn't find lemsip in a foreign country at 11pm. Someone here does sound selfish, but it's not the boyfriend.

Tourmalines · 09/05/2024 10:54

Willtheraineverstop · 09/05/2024 10:45

You can be delusional for lots of reasons, you don't need a temp of 42 specifically

'lovey' ??

Show quote history

And what would have been ops reason for being delusional if not her fever ?

Lampzade · 09/05/2024 10:57

Op has stated that she does not usually fall ill, so it is not as though she is the type of person who is always moaning about minor illnesses.
Op admits that she was being slightly difficult, but was obviously feeling really unwell.
Her dp, shouldn’t have to be told to source some medicine, he should have insisted on this
I was in Cyprus with my dh last year and could barely move as I had muscle pain. It was about 4am in the morning and we didn’t have any pain relief.
Dh went straight down to reception but they didn’t have any pain relief. He was told that he would have to wait until the pharmacy opened which was about 9am.
Meanwhile he massaged my back until I slept.
I woke up to my dh holding a snack and some painkillers. He had arrived at the pharmacy before it had even opened.
He would have done the same thing even when we were dating.

Onabench · 09/05/2024 11:02

I hate incompetent partners, especially when ill however I don't think he did anything wrong

It sounds like he got up and went to the shop really quickly. What medicine did you want? Paracetamol would help a temperature, not sure why you are saying that wouldn't work... If I don't have lemsip, some warm water/tea and popping a tablet down will do the same job.

Lubilu02 · 09/05/2024 11:11

Perhaps it was because of the time of day.
Is he the type of guy that needs his sleep? My husband is gets terribly grumpy with anything that disturbs his sleep ( hes the total opposite normally), which has meant that I've done all the nights with our children. I'm a lighter sleeper so I've been fine with that.

I suppose what you're worried about is that he lacks sympathy for when you DO need him. It sounds like he did try, which seems promising to me.

The longer you are together the more you will discover about each other and better understand weaknesses etc.

I always carry a little pouch for what ifs wherever I go e.g pain relief/plasters.

Hope you feel better soon. X

YouAreLiveOnTelevisionPleaseDoNotSwear · 09/05/2024 11:13

Zampa · 09/05/2024 05:54

Imagine a future when you have children and whilst unwell, he won't step up to give you time to recover.

After only 18 months, he should be spoon feeding your Lemsip and bringing you all your favourite treats.

The OP had a sore throat and runny nose, not Ebola.

OP you sound ridiculous I'll be honest. 'Tablets don't work for me' well the rest of the world will take 2 paracetamol and get on with it. You had a common cold. I guess he could've got you honey and lemon from the shop, but you sound hard work.

DoYouSmokePaul · 09/05/2024 11:14

Calliecarpa · 09/05/2024 10:49

OP had a cold, not bubonic plague. Her boyfriend tried twice to help her, at night, even though he had to get up early for work the next day, but she's still moaning because he couldn't find lemsip in a foreign country at 11pm. Someone here does sound selfish, but it's not the boyfriend.

Show quote history

He had an attitude the whole time like she was inconveniencing him by being ill. A cold is still unpleasant and I usually try and make my loved ones’ lives more pleasant where I can. And they’d do the same for me. Even if I don’t have the plague, which is apparently the only time you’re allowed sympathy.

Still very glad I’m not married to any of these stoic martyrs with zero empathy for people they care about.

Testina · 09/05/2024 11:14

My husband is gets terribly grumpy with anything that disturbs his sleep ( hes the total opposite normally), which has meant that I've done all the nights with our children

Gosh, imagine if you’d had the same genuine need for sleep as your husband - whatever would you have done? What luck that you didn’t!!

Nuttyputty · 09/05/2024 11:15

I can't work out if this is a pisstake. You have a cold. Get up and source your own medicine?

YouAreLiveOnTelevisionPleaseDoNotSwear · 09/05/2024 11:16

Also 'really sick' isn't a runny nose and sore throat.

fieldsofbutterflies · 09/05/2024 11:19

ChampagneLassie · 09/05/2024 10:34

in Tokyo with my ex-husband he went to an internet cafe, got a translation for medication and went to 4 pharmacy’s and bought a bunch of stuff to try to help me when I was ill. I’m pretty sure current DP would do similar. I don’t think you princessey. This is what you can expect as others have said imagine you’re struggling with a wee baby. I’d ditch him

She had a cold 🙄

Testina · 09/05/2024 11:24

Lots of stories of caring partners. My husband nursed his late first wife at home until she died (cancer). He’s a lovely and loving man. He’d still feel like this 🤨 if I had a basic cold and insisted that only Lemsip would work and “tablets didn’t work for me”.

I also wouldn’t have taken a single unwrapped tablet with no packaging from hotel reception - but paracetamol from the store nearby instead of asking him to go to a further away store to look for Lemsip? Yep.

mewkins · 09/05/2024 11:26

A cold doesn't usually just come on suddenly. If I feel myself getting sniffly I take cold and flu stuff. I go and buy it myself. I'd only ask someone to get me something if they were already going to the shop - I wouldn't get them out of bed.

Olivie12 · 09/05/2024 11:30

Red flag! You know your boyfriend/partner/DH better when you're sick and they have to take care of you.

If my DH can't sleep, I would drive around looking for a pharmacy. I've done it already when he's been sick, pharmacies closed and had to look for medicines at gas/petrol stations.

I would discuss my expectations with him and see his response.

Calliecarpa · 09/05/2024 11:31

DoYouSmokePaul · 09/05/2024 11:14

He had an attitude the whole time like she was inconveniencing him by being ill. A cold is still unpleasant and I usually try and make my loved ones’ lives more pleasant where I can. And they’d do the same for me. Even if I don’t have the plague, which is apparently the only time you’re allowed sympathy.

Still very glad I’m not married to any of these stoic martyrs with zero empathy for people they care about.

Show quote history

She admits in the post that she'd been what she calls 'very sick' for two days, yet didn't lift a finger to help herself during all that time, or even ask her boyfriend to go and get her some medicine during the daytime or early evening when it would have been a lot easier. Illnessses often feel worse at night so why didn't she plan ahead a bit and go and get herself some lemsip before she felt really ill? I'm afraid I also have very little patience with people who moan about how ill they are when it's just a cold, then moan when I do help them because it's wrong in some way.

If the boyfriend had 'zero empathy' like you claim, he wouldn't have left the hotel room twice late at night to try to source some medicine for OP, and he wouldn't have texted her the next day to see how she is. Oh yeah I forgot, he only texted her once, which is really really bad apparently, and he should have dropped everything in the middle of his business trip abroad because his girlfriend has a cold. 🙄

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 09/05/2024 11:32

I think you can always tell the drama queen/princess types by the fact that they say “I had a fever” instead of “I had a temperature”.

Also, how do you know you had “a fever”? You had a thermometer with you, but no paracetamol?

I have felt very hot in the past when unwell and been surprised when my temperature was completely normal.

beetforever · 09/05/2024 11:32

Olivie12 · 09/05/2024 11:30

Red flag! You know your boyfriend/partner/DH better when you're sick and they have to take care of you.

If my DH can't sleep, I would drive around looking for a pharmacy. I've done it already when he's been sick, pharmacies closed and had to look for medicines at gas/petrol stations.

I would discuss my expectations with him and see his response.

i’d say it a red flag from the boyfriends perspective

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/05/2024 11:33

How is he uncaring or has an attitude? He went to get the OP medicine but they didn't have her favoured type of medicine. He got her an alternative that she refused. He text her to ask how she was. He went out to get himself some food after she said she didn't want any.
If a man were to ask for more than that he would be slaughtered on here and rightly so.

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 09/05/2024 11:34

I’m also really surprised at an all night pharmacy 5 mins drive away. I live in Zone 3 London and we don’t have all night pharmacies. But if we did they would think that someone was insane to come to them in the middle of the night and only want Lemsip!

Lookwhosbackbackagain · 09/05/2024 11:39

Sdpbody · 09/05/2024 09:46

My DH would have gone out to get me the medicine, especially if it was only 5 minutes in what I assume is Canada.

He did go to get the medicine but the shop didn’t have any?

EmilyTjP · 09/05/2024 11:41

ChampagneLassie · 09/05/2024 10:34

in Tokyo with my ex-husband he went to an internet cafe, got a translation for medication and went to 4 pharmacy’s and bought a bunch of stuff to try to help me when I was ill. I’m pretty sure current DP would do similar. I don’t think you princessey. This is what you can expect as others have said imagine you’re struggling with a wee baby. I’d ditch him

He did all that for a cold?
I wouldn’t want someone to baby me like that!

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 09/05/2024 11:43

EmilyTjP · 09/05/2024 11:41

He did all that for a cold?
I wouldn’t want someone to baby me like that!

Show quote history

Note they are also divorced anyway!

SpringerFall · 09/05/2024 11:44

Hairyfairy01 · 09/05/2024 05:55

Sorry but I think you sound very OTT and demanding. I don't understand how you can go from falling asleep at 10:30 feeling fine to waking up 15 minutes later expecting him to go on a wild goose chase for medication in a foreign country, at night, when he has work the next day. The fact you ended up having a cup of tea and managed to get through the night basically confirms you were being OTT.

I think this as well

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