To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

[Vlop]

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

Well I wouldn't go on holiday or any trip with you.
Demanding and petulant, over virtually nothing.
Since you are so prone to these ailments, why not travel with medication?

Were you attention seeking as you resented the whole trip?

Oh my GOD, what is with the vote and weird comments on here?

Haven't any of you ever been loved? Why do you have such low standards?

Of course your DP should go and grab you medicine a 5 minute drive away, as should you for him, as you should for anyone you actually love and care about. They should be appreciative in return and return the favour when the roles are reversed.

Jesus.

You find out who a person really is by how they behave when the chips are down and you're vulnerable.

Here's a man who will never pull his weight if you have children (who, by the way, are also inconvenient with their illnesses and other needs on a regular basis!), will be unpleasant to you through pregnancy, will never be a reliable partner willing to pick up the slack if you are unwell or otherwise indisposed and is fundamentally not a kind person.

If you're happy with all of that, by all means cream on. If not, for the love of God, throw this one back!

*crack on!

Of course your DP should go and grab you medicine a 5 minute drive away, as should you for him, as you should for anyone you actually love and care about. They should be appreciative in return and return the favour when the roles are reversed.

Actually, I think that love also means being considerate of your partners' needs and not sending them out at 11pm when they have work the next morning for something that's really not remotely essential.

I also think a grown adult is more than capable of planning in advance and thinking "I feel a bit rotten, I'd better grab some paracetamol on my way home" not "I'll wait until I feel really shit then get someone to do it for me".

Love does not mean making someone go out of their way for you just to prove a point.

Love doesn't mean making anyone do anything for you or prove anything to you.

Love comes from the other person who wants to take care of you and do small things and go at least marginally out of their way to help you feel better. Because they love you.

If someone doesn't want to do this sort of small favour for you, not least when you're feeling bad and to help you physically feel better, I don't know what to tell you except they don't love you. They may have decided out of habit, duty, social pressure or cold rationality to combine their life with yours in some way (financially, to make a family, to maintain a home etc.) but they don't actually care for you as a person.

Possibly they are too selfish to actually love anyone or possibly they're just not that into you, but 18 months in to a relationship, either is a great reason for walking away!

If someone doesn't want to do this sort of small favour for you, not least when you're feeling bad and to help you physically feel better, I don't know what to tell you except they don't love you.

What a load of bollocks 😂

Look, if you're happy with that as a standard for your closest relationship, good for you.

I'm not going to argue with you about it, but that's not love or care to me. My close friends and I would do this for each other, and treat each other with kindness into the bargain, let alone the person I have children with and plan to spend the rest of my life with.

I genuinely hope you find someone who treats you like that at some point in your life.

Are you always so patronising?

I don't need (or want) anyone to go out at 11pm for me when they have work the next day just because I have a bit of a cold. Even if DH offered I would tell him not to be so bloody daft and to just go back to sleep.

I understand why you are sensitive about it but the post landed differently for those of us who were not in the same situation as you. We got it. Although, I actually don’t want to make fun of op because she just wanted her partner to care about her and he didn’t seem to do so. I’m not saying it was right to have him traipsing around in the middle of the night but he just doesn’t sound that loving.

Can you not see the potential for abuse in this? 'If you don't go now and get me Lemsip, you can't possibly love me and I will leave you.' That's not a healthy basis for a relationship. They are both adults and someone with a cold is perfectly capable of looking after themselves.

Love also sometimes involves saying no and holding boundaries.

You said it better than me.

Love isn't getting someone to do whatever you want no matter what. I wouldn't be going out at 11pm if I had work at 6am - especially if I'd already been out twice and been told that wasn't good enough (which is what happened here).

No, you don't say any such thing or try to force someone to do anything, of course you don't. You simply know that, for you, if your significant other acts in this way - doesn't want to take care of you, doesn't want to put themselves out to make you feel better, is actuality mean to you when you're unwell - that this isn't the person for you and end the relationship at the next sensible opportunity.

You don't wheedle, manipulate, coerce, try to get them to prove the feel something they don't and try to make them be someone they're not, of course you don't. You just note the behaviour, decide if it's within the realm of what you want, and act (decisively and calmly) accordingly.

That is also called having a boundary!

OK. As I say, good for you.

It doesn't matter if he came back with a frigging golden egg. He made the effort several times over and shes still on here moaning that she's concerned he didn't make enough effort when she had a cold!

Quite - certain people seem to be deliberately ignoring the fact that he did go out for her - twice - and it still wasn't good enough.

FGS you had a cold.
You don't immediately need medication for a cold.
A high temp doesn't make you delusional. It needs to be very very high.
If the temp is high take paracetamol or sleep it off.
Yes he was unsympathetic but you are unreasonable and princessy.

It's a cold.

Oh you are 31 or thereabouts and needed a Lemsip or thereabouts for a bit of a runny nose and a dodgy throat ? You 31 you are not an old lady get a grip . You would be nightmare patient . I wouldn't expect a child to be that paranoid over a bit of a cold .

If someone doesn't want to do this sort of small favour for you, not least when you're feeling bad and to help you physically feel better, I don't know what to tell you except they don't love you.

At what point do you start saying No? Because he had been out for her twice already. He's already made an effort. By your argument unless the other person always caves into any demand, no matter how ridiculous, they don't love their partner.

And for the record, because I've seen your replies to other posters, I've been happily married for over 20 years, but I'm not going to do everything my partner wants, no matter how they feel, because sometimes what they want is unreasonable. And vice-versa. I sometimes hear No too.

I honestly could not be arsed with anyone making this much of a fuss over a cold. I can't imagine anyone I know sending off someone in the middle of the night to hunt down a lemsip. Anyone that did would have the piss taken out of them for years to come. Fucking ridiculous

I'd be suspicious of the 'hurt foot'.
Sounds like he's excusing himself so you'll be unreasonable if you're upset about his lack of help/compassion.

My husband always has a miraculous illness/injury when I'm annoyed at him, but doesn't ever mention it until after I'm annoyed.

She was very clear about what she needed from the off. He went to a place 2 minutes walk away and then gave up. That's how far his effort stretched.

When she had to ask about other pharmacies he declined to complete that same original request by driving 5 minutes down the road.

When she then asked him to at least call reception he was unpleasant and unkind and then spent very little less time huffily getting something the OP had explicitly said wouldn't help as it would have taken to go and get the thing that would have helped.

I mean, come the fuck on. If this were for my DP it would have been a quick call after the first place didn't have it to say I was hopping in the car to the other place to see if they did (/a call ahead to check) having Googled it. And that's also what I'd get if the roles were reversed. And if it really was sensibly unobtainable that evening (an hour's trip, getting up early etc), I'd sympathise, see what we could do about the discomfort that evening and make an active plan to get what was needed the next day.

I know the other PP found me patronising, and I'm sure it came across that way, but I am genuinely surprised and it genuinely makes me so fucking sad that there are so many people on here who think this minimal level effort and kindness for or from the person who is supposed to love you most in the world (or just people who love you in general) is some kind of unimaginable gold standard fantasy.

As I said before, it's nothing to do with making your partner do anything (you shouldn't need to) - it's the seeing how little they actually empathised and cared that would upset me, no matter whether they eventually did the thing or not.

My ex was like this, it was indicative of what he was like completely.

I'm now married to a man that I'd not have to ask. He'd have walked or driven without me even asking and made sure I had tea and food

@MrRydersParlourGame THIISSSSS I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH THIS and have a wonderful DP that would do the same

By some posters standard on here you'd think she was a woman with a condition that was fatal . She isn't , she is a young woman with a bit if a cold . Who needed some paracetamol or do the less dramatic thing and go to sleep . I dread to think what she would be like if she really needed care .
If I was him I give her a wide berth .

Do you regularly tell people their pain or discomfort isn't as bad as they, themselves, the person feeling it, thinks it is?

Quite obviously there are various level of cold and flu-like illnesses that people can experience, from the merely annoying to the actually debilitating and everything in between.