To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

[Vlop]

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

She was in a hotel room she had the facilities of the room plus room service....she was also well enough to work all day.....and go out for medication but she couldn't be bothered .....she even had tea making facilities because after feeling so ill and not being able to sleep....after the incredible 15 minutes of trying.....she had a cup of tea.....she said she didnt want dinner. Jesus do you get fed when you have a sniffle?

And many of us on here are in strong committed relationships (longterm also in my case) &/or with lovely OHs that pull their weight, who haven't a clue what Rita Ora or equivalent is up to, and who also think OP is being a bit harsh.

You don't have to give backhanded compliments to posters just because you have a difference of opinion - in fact IMO it weakens your argument

Quite. Not sure what anyone was supposed to do.🤷‍♀️

What a load of bollocks about nothing. Girl gets a cold, girl wants lemsip at 11am at night. Girl has to deal with the fact that it ain't gonna happen. Girl has to make do with a cup of tea. Girl lived. The end.

The OP explained she felt very ill, there’s absolutely no reason to dispute that. Driving 5 min! to get some medicine for your partner is something absolutely basic, and they are staying in a common wealth country where her partner is used to drive, not a war zone. Most women on this website expect absolutely nothing from men, they get married and have children and kill themselves taking care of the entire family, while having a full time job, like there’s not another full grown ass adult in the house ready to help. All of you deserve more than that, including someone who will drive 5 freaking minutes to get you medicine when you’re ill. It’s hardly knight in a shinning armour behaviours, it’s just very basic companionship and compassion.

Do you really not carry paracetamol or something similar with you when you travel? That's all you needed if you had a fever, unless it was really high in which case you needed medical attention, but that doesn't sound to be the case.

Lesson learned - when you travel take a few paracetamol/ibuprofen/your preferred pain reliever just in case you feel unwell or have a headache or whatever.

You just had a cold, but were disturbing him when he was trying to sleep and had to go to work next day. If you get a fever then drink extra water, fever is your body's way of handling illness so you don't want to just leap to bringing it down prematurely. Honestly, that sounds very high maintenance to me, and I would be pissed off if DH disturbed my sleep like that. You had a cold for a few days, you should have bought medication you might need in the daytime.

I'm sure there is some huge drip feed here about his behaviour, but on the description given you were too dramatic this time.

DHs aren't slaves with no right to sleep or do anything except whatever their wife demands and do it instantly. Being a reasonable partner means asking your DH to do that running around for medication in the daytime, not leaving it until he's dropping off to sleep to yell "wah, go for a drive to fetch paracetamol, now now now, go go go!!!" when you've known you had a cold for 2 days.

Same with anything; if we need milk / a jumper / swapping who does drop-off / clean the toilet... you don't wait and demand someone bounds out of bed to do something you only just thought of, you say "at some point tomorrow please would you...". If they don't do it or get pissed off, then they're pretty shit.

He got up at 6.30 am plus time difference and probably had the same alarm in the morning that's not much sleep after travel....
Not everyone stays up until midnight and if you're doing something important you need to be at your best....it was his work trip not a bloody holiday.
I get vomiting for over 24 hours with migraine and often end up in hospital a sniffle is not even worth moaning about....if you know colds are worse at night you make sure you go and get paracetamol at least it's part of being an adult and self care not an infant. He did go out twice she wanted him to go out again....then she managed a sleep through the night with a cup of tea.

I'm guessing cancel work, lose his job while holding her hand and mopping her fevered brow

My husband is great he's self employed but if I'm really ill he makes sure I've got everything when I was being treated for cancer he went to every appointment did all the housework, took over everything at Christmas, did all cooking etc while still working but no way would I have the nerve to say I've got a cold go out for the third time and get me something he was on a work trip you can't not be on top form for a work trip your company paid for because the other half has a blocked nose.

It's probably just the use of language- but I can't deal with the "very sick" "suffocated" stuff. Are we talking about a cold here? And is it that unusual to go 18 months without being "very sick"?

Don’t forget “fever” and “delusional”. (By which I think she actually meant “delirious”, though “delusional” is quite a good Freudian slip!)

Ops time line is

I woke at 10.45 oh was not asleep yet....
So had to get up and dressed....then went to a chemist 2 mins away....but presumably out of bedroom down lift out into road then 2 mins.....asks for medication...then walks back up lift etc....thats got to make it at least 11.10 or later.....
Debate on no get me something else....back down lift talk to reception...root around for something....back in life....got to be at l wet 11.30....
Not good enough Google....5ins if he's on the ball....
Now at earliest 11.45 before she expects him to go back down lift find car drive the 5 mins then park them go in shop 12.15 ish....then drive back to room 12.30 ish....get undressed try to sleep ....after making the hot lemon...
Or more like find her snoring....
Asleep 1.15 or later up for that important work meeting that requires him to be flown to another continent so can't be as simple as hoovering a floor...at 6.30....
How can that be reasonable for a cold what planet are some of you on.

Feeling "very ill" doesn't give you the right to send someone on a wild goose chase for medication when they're trying to sleep, though, even if they are your husband.

OP had felt ill for a while yet waited until 11pm to demand lemsip. It would be different if she'd suddenly come over unwell but that's not the case here.

If my DH had felt rotten all day then told me I had go out at 11pm for lemsip I'd think he'd lost his marbles, frankly.

He did she said she didn't want to eat

To everyone who replied to me: I don’t believe that driving 5 min to get medicine for your partner will ruin your sleeping routine or is synonym with a wild goose chase (or slavery! Fucking hell, that is an offensive comparison and I’d recommend looking up what slavery means before throwing that one around again). It’s something that I would be very happy to do for my DH and he would do for me as well, and growing up I also saw my parents doing the same sort of thing for each other on the regular. This is how I want to live my life, I honestly would not have it any other way, and I accept it’s not the same for everyone, but I very much understand where the OP is coming from and I send my solidarity to her.

The OP explained she felt very ill, there’s absolutely no reason to dispute that.

I'm disputing it.
The OP says daft things like, "I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me."

Lemsips (or equivalent) contain nothing more than an ordinary dose of paracetamol...therefore, an ordinary dose of paracetamol was all that was required...much easier to come by at 11pm.
But no, she's special and the bloody Lemsip is the ONLY thing that works.

🙄

More princessy than she knows.

I'm not sure this is a gender thing, because I'd definitely not have done any more than OP's partner if my DH had a cold and I also wouldn't expect anyone to be scurrying around trying to source Lemsip for me at 11pm either. I'd also not get someone dinner if they told me they didn't want any - I can't be arsed to dance around trying to guess what someone wants, I like people to just be straight with me about their needs.

I do find it a bit pathetic when adults can't manage a cold or mild flu by themselves (my DH is a bit of a dressing-gown-wearing-shuffler when he has one which is borderline insufferable but usually only lasts a day thank goodness).

I do understand that OP's childhood probably means that she'd like some additional emotional support when she's feeling ill, but from what I can see her partner did provide that, it's just her expectations were a bit unreasonable.

Texting once or twice is a nice thing to do when someone's a bit poorly, but let's be realistic - it was a cold/light flu, it doesn't really warrant grave concern

Do you went to bed fine and 10:30, woke up 15 minutes later ill enough to get your bf to go out at night in an unfamiliar country to get you some medicine. He comes back with something unsuitable so you have a drink and go to bed.

if I was you bf I would be quite annoyed by now. You need to dial down the drama.

Should have tried some hotel tea it's miraculous

To be honest, if it feels like a red flag to you, it is one.

My husband is horrible, useless and uncaring, when anyone ( me) is ill, and when our children were born.

Im resigned to it, but i wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

There are nice caring people out there I’m sure.

The difference of opinion is here is between people who just crack on with it when they have a cold and people who are wimps and want to be ponced over.

You had a sore throat and a runny nose. You weren't very sick.

Why hadn't you gone out during the day and bought anything you might need? You sound really high maintenance to me, OP.