To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

[Vlop]

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

Do you have a chemist open at 10.45pm near you? I don't think I do.

Op, it think other posters are right that in the early years of a relationship he should be putting a bit more effort in. Others are also right in saying that, in isolation, it’s a bit of a non-event not necessarily worth ending a relationship over.

I found it interesting that you mentioned your neglectful and abusive childhood. It sounds as though not being looked after by your partner while sick (a time when most of us feel more vulnerable) has been a bit of a trigger for feelings of neglect in the past.

You probably need to think a bit more deeply about how your upbringing is still effecting you and what you want from a relationship going forward.

It may not be a ‘red flag’ but it’s also ok if that is not what you want from a partner. Some said what will he be like when you are pregnant or with a newborn. Do you think if the situation was more serious he would still be blasé or that he would be more caring? Perhaps you could discuss how you felt and why and see what his response is and go from there.

The other bit I noticed was:

I tagged along as he wanted me to

Sounds so passive: "I'm doing what he wants". OP must have gone because actually she wanted to I assume? Taken with the other comments OP sounds a bit of a Marvin. I met up with OH when he was working abroad a few times and I was thrilled (to go and that he wanted me there).

I would not expect my DH to go out to find me medicine but he certainly would if I asked.

Been married 44 years and DH is always kind and considerate if I am ill. I suffer badly from migraines and I have fibromyalgia so am ill a fair amount.

11pm is not that late. One poster calls it "the middle of the night" but it certainly isn't.

He did go out - twice. She had a cold, not a migraine or fibromyalgia, she had an entire day to go to a chemist but chose not to, 11pm is very late when you're tired and working in the morning.

when i’m ill, i really do try and do absolutely as much myself and would only ask for help if i was at death’s door

single parent syndrome i guess

I'm in the minority and think his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. Leave now.

Driving for 5 minutes to get you medicine is such minimum effort. Feeding you and making sure you have tea/water is basic humanity.

You are not a princess and deserve much better treatment.

Having work and being late is irrelevant. It's a lousy excuse as is his hurting leg.

11pm is not that late. One poster calls it "the middle of the night" but it certainly isn't.

This all started at 10.45, I think OP is stretching the truth a bit at It wasn't even 11pm unless BF is bionic! If you are getting up at 6.30, then it's late IMO. Assuming OP is being accurate, he'd probably be going back to bed around 11.30 at the earliest, so six hours sleep max. Wherever they are there is going to be a time difference, so there body clocks will be out - by about 5-8ish hours if in Canada. I'm sure if he thought OP was seriously ill he wouldn't have thought twice about getting medical care/going to hospital at that time.

It wasn't a 30 minute drive each way. It was 30 minutes if he walked.

Also 10.30 is not that late

I'm lucky enough to have a husband who would 100% have offered to go and get whatever I wanted/needed in this situation. More so than I would for him, to be honest. However, for the sake of a cold, I wouldn't dream of asking him. Especially when a cup of tea seemed to do the trick. And as for expecting multiple enquiries after your health today, that does sound a tiny bit precious.

If there are other instances of him being uncaring, inattentive or thoughtless then yes, I would give the relationship some serious thought. On the basis of this single event though, you might want to cut him some slack.

Well for me and DH 11pm is not late even with work in the morning. Posters talk as though it was 2am!

Maybe she didn't go to a chemist during the day because she didn't feel that bad. Often you can feel ok during the day but in the evening/night you feel much much worse.

I would get as much sympathy with a cold as I do with a migraine (and my migraines are horrendous) from my DH.

@Believing8nSanta

Driving for 5 minutes to get you medicine is such minimum effort. Feeding you and making sure you have tea/water is basic humanity.

OP said she wasn't feeling like dinner. They had tea/water in their room - they are staying in a hotel not miles from civilisation in the boondocks, so their "basic humanity" was pretty much covered.

OP's timings are pretty shonky, so her 5 minutes may not be the same as everyone else's, but he did go out for her twice. He didn't turn over and tell her to sort herself out and then ignore her. The outrage from some posters doesn't appear to reflect what actually happened.

She had a cup of tea and went to sleep, so wasn't seriously ill or delusional

You come across as hard work to be honest . He did what you asked so why are you so moody ?
can’t you take meds with you if you go abroad like most people? I think this drama about a sore throat is just that , to much drama . He probably thought the same

I’m not shocked at the votes because this is mums net after all but you’re absolutely in the right OP. I’d obviously drive 5 min to get my DH medicine and he’d do the same for me, and it’s really sad to think that people find that to be strange! You’re feeling bad about this situation because you know the kind of caring relationship you want to have and there’s nothing wrong with that. But this website is full of women who have full time jobs, basically raise a bunch of children alone and run a house while their DHs do fuck all. But somehow the biggest problem in their lives is the fact that Rita Ora is hot, rich and famous.

Depends on your circadian rhythms. I get up really early and go to bed early, so yes, for me, 11pm is really late. They're not on holiday, the boyfriend is on a business trip so has to get up early and work all day, perhaps in a different time zone. If that was me, I could really do without my partner whining about having a cold and refusing anything except lemsip at 11pm.

OP said she'd been 'really sick' for two days, so if she had any sense she'd have asked her boyfriend to get some medication during the day or at least earlier in the evening. And she did get sympathy, he went out for her twice at 11pm and texted her the next day but she still isn't happy.

Highly likely hotel keeps some paracetamols for guests and took one out of a packet in front of him - I doubt the receptionist or night manager went rooting around the drawers and cupboards and handed over a random tablet. Pretty sure her BF would have explained that to her. Surprised he only took one, but I could imagine a scenario where he may have said, "I doubt she'll take that as she's insisting on a Lemsip" and receptionist may have said "well take this one and come back for more if need be".

You do sound a bit OTT.

You've just got a cold, and unless there's some huge dripfeed that you've got something else underlying, 30yos don't die from the common cold.

You wanted him to go out, late at night, in a foreign country, on the search for some medicine. Most, if not all places, would be long since closed anyway, surely?

And the fact that you had a cup of tea, and then went to sleep, surely shows you were just being dramatic?

Yes, a bit of sympathy would have been nice, but you were being very dramatic over a cold. I'm certain, if he'd posted this situation, from his point of view, he'd have got a lot of sympathy.

@Frisate amen girl 😄 I couldn't agree more and couldn't have put it better.

Even if he needs loads of sleep one night of slightly less sleep is hardly going to kill him is it?

I don't know what time you call "really early" but me and DH are usually up at 6am but don't got to bed before 11.30pm

@Vlop if you can’t count on your other half who can you count on? This would be a no from me. Shocked by the vote and responses but maybe they have shit husbands and think it’s normal!

Right, and not having lemsip for one night because she's got the sniffles isn't going to kill OP, is it?

If it was the other way round, if the OP was on a business trip and her boyfriend accompanied her and moaned because she hadn't gone out late at night in a foreign country to get him some lemsip because he had a cold, would you be 'shocked' if people told the boyfriend he was being a bit precious? Would that make her 'a shit wife'?

She's got a cold she's not that ill! The vote reflects that OP isn't really 'very sick' as she describes it, and asking someone to go out at nearly 11pm at night ( in a foreign country) for a lemsip is ridiculous. Why cant she take a paracetemol and then get the lemsip the next day like the rest of us? Better still, have a basic kit of medicine readily available for such events.

What does having a full time job, raising kids and running a house have to do with this?