Spending summer together knowing they will break up

[Knightd]

DS is 18, he's been with a girl for 18 months, she's lovely.
His grandparents gave him money for his 18th, £15,000. He was told this is for fun stuff not practical. So travel, car, game console or similar. He bought a little run around car, some new tech for uni next year, has a fair amount left.

Today he told me they are going to break up after summer. She is taking a gap year, he's going to uni in Scotland (hopefully). They have discussed it and are happy with this even if it makes them sad.
They have stopped seeing each other now for exams anyway.
However they have decided they are going to spend the summer travelling Europe together, not normal hostel travel though, staying in hotels and having nice meals etc.
I really think this is an awful idea but DH thinks it's up to them.

AIBU feeling like this is a terrible plan?

DS1 did this. It was last year of uni and things had not been working out with his GF of 4 years. They decided they would go inter-railing over the summer and part as friends afterwards.
It did not go well. She dumped him in the middle of his finals and he bore the brunt of the lost money on tickets.

Let him do it.

Many years ago, when “I were a young lass”, I met a bloke in a pub in Kings Road in London.

He was funny, lovely, and we had some great nights out.🍾

We had fun. He was going off in a month’s time to join a Kibbutz, in Israel, to pick lemons or something. (Very end of 60’s/beginning of 70’s lol).😉

He asked me to spend his last month in London together. No ties, no involvement, just have fun. A kiss and a cuddle - fine, but nothing deeper.

We did it. We did pubs, clubs, everywhere, and had a great time.

We both knew (this was before the internet!) that, at the end of it, we’d never hear from or contact each other again. Which we haven’t.

But, that was a month of such lovely memories, no regrets, and a smile looking back.

Sometimes, at that age, it’s just about building some great memories.🙂

They're 18, leave them be.

I suspect you don't agree with the "fun" your DS is going to spend his money on.

Is there likely to be more money coming later?
If not, I might encourage him to think about making the money last longer. Having multiple cheaper trips rather than one very expensive one. But ultimately it is up to him.

At first your concern seemed to be about going with his soon-to-be-ex but it seems to have shifted to spending on an expensive holiday at 18.

Your son sounds like an eminently sensible fellow. I'm guessing he gets it from his dad 🤦‍♂️

Surely spending 15000 on "fun" is a huge waste whatever it's spent on? Presumably you're loaded otherwise he'd be holding onto it for things he actually needs?

Not loaded. We still have a mortgage and are comfortable but far far from loaded.
My brother passed away at 22, ever since my parents have really prioritised living for now and they want my son to have fun and just do what makes him happy. The money was given with the stipulation it shouldn't be used for any needs just wants.

Even if it is a mistake, he'll learn from it and that's the point of being 18.

I think he'll have a great time with happy amd bittersweet memories to last him forever.

What if he went on this holiday with a friend who was also paying some of their own way (as this girl will be, based on what you’ve said)? I can’t really see the difference between going away with this girl (with eyes open that romantic relationship is ending but surely they can stay friends) and a friend?

as an entirely separate matter, unless you can provide £10k worth of holidays for the rest of his uni / young adulthood, an expensive holiday like this could set him up for disappointment in the future.

i certainly prefer how my life has run: started off backpacking in shared dorms aged 18 and now late 40s I stay at the four seasons etc. I really appreciate luxury holidays now, not sure how I would have coped if I started with the luxury holidays at 18 and then the money ran out.

I would have thought your parents would have had a luxury holiday WITH your son. That’s what my DM did before she died.

Seeing it from their perspective I suppose that makes it understandable but I would find it a terrible waste too I’m afraid

I guess you have to accept he has a different view to you here. Sounds like your issue is perhaps more with your parents for gifting this under these orders? He has bought some sensible stuff with it from what you have outlined in my humble view.

You aren't entitled to impose your values or wishes onto your adult son. You obviously feel that for you the memories would be tainted. Clearly he feels differently, and he is a person in his own right. Just let him get on with it and stop worrying about something that is a non-issue and doesn't involve you.

It seems a waste to go travelling with a dear friend you'll always hold happy memories of? They're not just ex's, sounds like they've decided to be friends. She is paying her way. She has cheated or broken his heart. Neither of them are doing anything wrong

Oh god, he’s going to massively regret squandering £15k when he tries to start saving for a house deposit 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

His grandparents specifically said they didn't want it to be used for this and if he was planing to save it he should just give it back!

I can sort of get your point op that it's a right of passage to go back packing slumming it when you are young but both your DS and his girlfriend are in the fortunate position, in her case, in bad circumstances, to have the option not to do it this way, they both have the means to do it nicely.
I'd encourage them op, they won't be 18 again, it is a special age before the drudge of bills etc, they should make the most of it and enjoy it whilst they can

Christ, you really are joyless, aren’t you?

Your adult son has been given 15 grand with the specific proviso that it should be spent on fun and instead, you want him to ‘have a learning experience’ by slogging round crappy hostels with a backpack. Why!? Why shouldn’t he just have fun for a few weeks? Why does it have to be about learning and roughing it?

He’s spent the last 13 years learning, and after this he’s got another three years of learning ahead of him followed by a lifetime of the daily grind. Right now, he has what’s likely to be his last summer of total freedom, and no money worries. Just let him enjoy it, with or without his girlfriend.

I also don’t see why you think it will be ‘tainted’ by being with his ex. They’ve made a (actually very sensible) mutual decision to split when they go to uni and clearly there are no hard feelings so why not enjoy a trip together?

On the face of it I'd say it would not be my choice of how to spend £££ but he was given the money for 'wants not needs' and this is what he wants so it's up to him.

However, I would want to try to understand whether they have both really come to a practical decision to split up after the Summer, or if one of them is going along with it whilst quietly hoping that a big experience holiday will bring them closer and make them decide to stay together. I know someone who did something similar (not an expensive holiday, but a long summer experience) just before they had agreed to split up whilst as she was going travelling. Her boyfriend clearly actually hoped that it would bring them closer and she would decide that she didn't want to go away. He got really upset before the end of the experience when she made it clear a) she was definitely going away and b) she did not want to try a distance relationship or agree to not seeing anyone else whilst she was away. They ended up spending most of the time separately and he was very bitter about it.

It's what happens when you give young people money that they haven't worked for. Easy come, easy go.

I think it sounds wonderful. Backpacking isn't for everyone and sleeping in a room with 9 other people snoring their heads off and eating crap because it's all you can afford doesn't really teach you anything apart from that having money makes life easier and more comfortable.

Having this one last holiday together before they go their separate ways, travelling with someone they know well and get on really well with, visiting new places and experiencing new things - all this will be an amazing and probably unforgettable experience for them.

I've done plenty of cheap travel, certainly my fair share of backpacking and hostels and it's a way to save money if you need to - but now there's airbnb's and i'm not so poor I'd never be in a hostel again unless it was my only option!

I'm really trying to find a problem here, but I can't. Sounds amazing!

And maybe after uni or during the summer holidays, he will decide to go travelling again and won't have the funds to posh it up and will have the back packer experience then. He has plenty of time to live both ways of travelling, but maybe only the money, and someone else who also has money to do the luxury version with, now.

just because it's arranged that they will break up in advance does not necessarily make it any easier. DS was with someone for 2.5 years. She wanted to split up for University. This was after we took her for a month-long holiday in America when they were 17 and the memories are definitely tainted. He slid into a deep depression when it finally happened and couldn't get it together to find accommodation for University, so ended up living in our basement. He's fine now, but I too think your DS may regret spending all that money on this holiday. But then, I've never been a one for 'Let's stay friends' with a sexual and romantic partner when either has called time.

Sounds like a glorious, memorable romance that they’ll both remember fondly. Priceless.

One of my best friends at Uni split up with her school boyfriend to go to different unis. They did the uni thing for a couple of years, dated other people, got back together and are still together 20 years later.
But even if they don't, I've got great memories of holidays with exes whom I parted with amicably, no regrets at all and no taint to the memories.

It sounds like an amazing way to spend the money his grandparents gave to him. He has years to be bogged down with mortgages and bills.What an adventure he will have to look back on.