Hotel guest appears to have reported me

[holidaybliss]

Currently on holiday with our 5 month old baby, DH had annoyed me and I'd shouted at him, the usual stuff, first holiday with a baby and I feel I am doing a lot of the work (planning activities, childcare, etc). It was brief and nothing to write home about. The maid arrived shortly after at a very unusual time and the hotel manager came up to us at dinner and said how when he and his wife argue it's always about their children. I got the impression that both these events happened because someone in an adjacent room must have reported me to the hotel.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is unnecessary? It's not exactly like things were being thrown / someone was unsafe, I don't think it's a rare occurrence for a tired mother of a baby on their first holiday to get irritated at their partner.

I think if it's clearly a family argument that's fine but if I heard sudden angry shouting from a hotel room on holiday I might be thinking of some kind of abuse abroad or messed up couple situation, much more than if I just heard a one-liner outburst between fed up parents from my neighbours in a residential area

Or I might just be wanting to change hotel rooms for some peace and quiet 😂

YABU for being huffy about this. Neither the other guests nor the manager were remotely in the wrong, here.

I know this is mumsnet but I'm not going to jump on the sanctimony train about the yelling - no, it's not stellar communication, but we are not going to be perfect at all times and traveling, babies and partnership can all be challenging (to put it lightly). We do need to take accountability when we behave in less than great ways, though, and not prioritize our own embarrassment and indignation.

No one wants to hear another couples' argument from their hotel room. It's simply unpleasant. Another guest mentioned being disturbed by their neighbors, and the manager handled it by very tactfully alerting you to the fact that you had disturbed other guests. He was doing his job, and doing it very well by the sounds of it. Apologize, take some deep breaths, and move on.

Exactly,you should all be ashamed but you lot won't.

OP I really hope your holiday improves for you.

Shouting is no more 'authentic' than speaking at a reasonable volume.

It might be that the chambermaid was passing your door and heard shouting? Either way I wouldn't worry too much, you're not going to be the first or last person to have a row with their partner in a hotel room! Maybe try and keep your cool for the rest of your stay though, you don't want to be known as 'that' couple in the hotel 😂

Sorry your holiday (and partner) has become stressful.

The manager can be pulled in to things like this when people ask to move rooms, or sometimes to be refunded, because of too much noise from the neighbouring room. I've known 2 people successfully ask for this fairly recently because of arguments in the corridor and the sound of one person raving and trashing things next door when shut in, but (possibly) very drunk.

Whether this happened, or they're being unreasonable or that you would say it is unnecessary or not, it might be the build-up of a combination of noise from the baby plus recent voices that can be heard with open balcony doors. It may be one more thing pushing your buttons, but if others are being disturbed and have the chance not to have to spend all their holiday in that room rather than just put some earplugs in, then this is something that might have required the hotel staff to keep an eye on things but try to be tactful.

I think they were trying to tactfully tell you to keep it down. They essentially have three options:

• Ignore the complaint from another guest/point raised by the chambermaid, whichever it was, which would be poor on their part
• approach you very directly, which could be seen as tactless given people do, I think, understand that travelling with a baby is stressful and they don't want to upset you on your holiday
• approach you about it indirectly and tactfully, which I think is what they were doing.

Ultimately if another guest complains about noise they need to address it. I think this is getting overcomplicated by debates about how legitimate or "normal" it is to raise your voice at your partner but honestly I don't think that is important. A noise complaint is a noise complaint be it from a too-loud telly or raised voices. Now you know and you can keep your door shut/be more mindful etc.

You also need to get a grip and not argue at a volume it disturbs others enough that they need to report you.

Tbh, if it was a couple of shouty sentences, then I honestly don’t think it’s anything for anyone to get upset over. I’m sure most of us have been frustrated enough at some point with our partners to snap at them, especially if tired and feeling not listened to. Not ideal, but it can happen. Obviously if it was a protracted shouty argument going on for a prolonged period, then that’s different.

Possibly someone reported you, try and see it as a kindness rather than them trying to ruin your holiday? I would be worried to hear shouting anywhere and would possibly report if I thought it may escalate or thought a baby could be in the room. Also, I've been married 6 years and we've never shouted at each other. I don't think it is normal, sorry- disagreeing, yes, but not shouting. I hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday

@StormingNorman @Gogogowall

what nasty posts that added nothing to the thread 🙄it seems some tyou get enjoyment out of kicking people while they’re already down and stressed

Love the clapbacks op. Sorry you’re getting such nonsense on here from some quarters.

Of course it’s normal to argue sometimes, and very unhealthy not to. Of course sometimes if we’re frustrated about not being heard we try saying the thing louder and more forcefully. And it can be exhausting looking after a 5 month old, which doesn’t leave you with a very long fuse for much else.

What’s really weird about this thread is that if a mother posted something like ‘I lost my patience with my child today and shouted at them, is this normal?’ She’d get 100s of sympathetic replies. Because of course it is.

Wow… no one’s ever shouted at anyone on MN😬

I think most people have raised their voice to their other half at some point, especially when sleep deprived and stressed with young children, but it is more shocking to do so in a hotel. Most people are really conscious of the need to keep noise down in a hotel, worry about the TV being too loud etc, so to shout loudly enough that someone felt the need to report it does suggest a loss of self control. I think you need to own that and accept that you were in the wrong, rather than blaming the hotel staff for overreacting or assuming that the neighbours didn't want to be near your baby.

Your DH sounds useless, and you sound miserable and near the end of your tether. Why can't he do basic care for his own child?

Depends what you mean by shouting really.

I do shout / have shouted but I actually think it's a genuine pity that you've never learnt TRUE authentic communication skills @Peoplearebloodyidiots. I grew up in a shouty "let it all out" family and my partner's example has taught me that there's actually a safer and way more satisfying way.

True authenticity happens when you both feel emotionally and mentally safe. An environment with shouting and/or physical raging heightens vigilance and actually discourages authenticity.

Yes, feeling safe to express yourself can also include a physical outlet such as shouting into the air or even punching something, but not using your partner as a shouting / punching bag. You're the only one that feels safe and authentic then, not your partner 😂 Or conversely, if your partner unleashed his shouty "authenticity" on you every night, I'm not sure you'd like it 😂

And even then – at the risk of sounding wishy washy – while physical anger is a real feeling, there's also probably some kind of unmet vulnerable need you're afraid to simply SAY in a nice normal voice, because shouting will provoke a reaction from your partner that is less awkward and potentially less crushing to you.

It’s a hotel, the walls are thin and it is selfish to be hollering loud enough that people the other side of the walls can hear you. Take your spats elsewhere or learn how to disagree like grown ups, using your words rather than shouting and losing control.
And knowing there is a baby staying in the room next door, temper tantrums from the adults are a massive safeguarding concern.

Do you go for it on the first day, or wait until day 3 (our preferred day for a falling out)? For a holiday of a week or more, I mean. Weekends you can just bicker about packing the car.

I wouldn't want to listen to someone argue on a vacation that happens (in my case, extremely rarely -most trips are visiting family) when I've spent thousands and spent a ton of time traveling and planning to get there.

It seems super inconsiderate on your part.

Hi OP
i just wanted to reply to say please ignore ALL of the replies saying they have never shouted at their husbands. Wow! Classic mumsnet at its finest. I cannot get over the sheer amount of replies from people who A) have never argued with their other half. What perfect lives they must lead. Or B) who argue in hushed tones!

An argument every now and then is totally normal and actually healthy in a relationship. It’s not like you was beating each other! all of my friends who have husbands have shouted at them for sure and I know I have shouted at mine when frustrated/ sleep deprived with a 5 month old/ hormonal/ overwhelmed!

sending love - sign off and enjoy your holiday x

In 17 years I’ve only ever shouted at my husband 2/3 times. Normally I’m a snarky bastard though so there’s that.

It’s not normal to argue with your partner at a volume it disturbs others enough they feel the need to report you. Let’s not pretend it is.

With all due respect, so what. It’s a proven case that many men don’t show their true colours of useless partner until a child comes along. There isn’t a special ‘partner that will pull equal weight’ detector hidden in the wedding cake. So yes, you were lucky, or you choose to ignore your partner’s flaws to present yourself as smugly ‘has it all’. Usually one or the other and you’d never admit it was the latter regardless. Thing about luck is, you don’t know you have it until you see someone else doesn’t. It’s not a foreseeable thing, it’s a living experience that you only recognise with comparison of walking the same path but with branching outcomes.